Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone. 

Back in the loop

I've just realised that I haven't done much writing on here this year. So if you're still checking in hoping to see something new, you must probably feel a little out of the loop. Sorry!

I'm gonna update you right now. (I don't even know who this 'you' is. Probably that imaginary friend I have). This might get a little long and it'll definitely be wordy.

So this year I finished uni. I'm done. I have technically graduated! The graduation ceremony is only in April, though.

In terms of results, I didn't do as well as I had hoped for my thesis. I know where I went wrong though and I know it's from a lack of effort so I'm going to forgive myself for that. My CGPA is not as low as I thought so that's good. It's the minimum that I set for myself which is not exactly what I aimed for but it'll do.

Uni ended for me in August. Since then, I've been working. I got myself a part time job as a transcriber. I actually quite enjoy it. I get to work from home and I get to choose my work load. It's quite a good job to have while I spend time exploring my options.

What have I explored? I went for art classes for two months. I learned about drawing and sketching with pens and calligraphy brushes and I learned about proportions and lighting, which I was pretty bad at previously. Now I'm not as bad :) I did stop going though. The class was moving a little too slow for me and the lack of a structured lesson plan was not for me. I didn't like not moving progressively forward. It was dull. I do still enjoy painting and drawing. I just don't want to go for this particular class.

After that, I just focused more on knitting and crochet. I now have a sizable yarn collection. I've made a top for myself, a tank top for Nadiah, a scarf for my Simple Plan secret santa, one side of a sock, about 4 beanies, a small basket and many granny squares. I've been having a lot of fun with this. Right now I'm working on a tank top for mama and I'm going to start on a scarf for Malek.

There is one downside to all this knitting and crochet, though. I gave myself tendinitis. All that knitting and crocheting and typing for work started to take a toll on the tendon on my left wrist. I couldn't move my thumb for a week. It's better now. I've got myself a little laptop cushion to support my wrist and I've adjusted my knitting style so that I don't stretch my thumb too much. But it does still ache every morning. I'm doing the recommended wrist exercises whenever I remember to do it. Hopefully my wrist will start feeling better eventually.

What next? Oh yes, job hunting!

So I've been job hunting! I signed up for Jobstreet and to date, I've applied for a handful of jobs already. Today I got my first invite for an interview. I'm super nervous. I've never been to an interview before and I've never worked with complete strangers. I mean, this transcribing job is new too but I don't see them at all, I just work from home, complete connected online. Whereas a permanent job like this would be totally new territory. I'm stoked. I hope it goes well.

(It's not that I haven't been writing at all. I've just been writing a lot of really personal reflections so I never posted them here. I will make a point to write more on here though. I do miss it.)