Cause those are somebody's kids too

People are dying in the world, and we’re too busy fighting over political correctness and protecting our own that we either don’t see the suffering anymore, or worse, we’ve desensitized ourselves to it.

Syria, a nation reduced to rubble due to civil war. The Burmese Rohingyas being treated as less than human by their own countrymen. African children are dying of HIV from lack of education and infrastructure. The horrors faced by prisoners in North Korean concentration camps. Ethnic cleansings, denial of rights, famine, disease, civil wars. These are problems that can be fixed. But we first need to stand up and say, I see this and I do not accept it.

I'm disgusted by how Malaysia treats people. Malaysia takes in Syrian refugees, give them documentation, homes, jobs, help them rebuild. But we turn a blind eye to the Rohingya, we turn a blind eye to the thousands of refugees on our shores that do not fit our mould of what is a human. Why is a Syrian refugee worth more to us than a Rohingya? Both are suffering and both need our help. Yet we only reach out to one.

Thousands of refugees in Malaysian live in sordid conditions because they aren’t recognised by the government. They’re considered illegal, so they can’t work, or enrol into public schools, and they live in constant fear of deportation to the country they risk everything to leave. What kind of people are we that we push aside people who are reaching out to us for help?

And what about the marginalised who were already in the country? We’re constantly building houses here. There’s a ridiculous amount of empty houses in Malaysia, and a ridiculous amount of homeless people. 1 + 1 = 2. The solution seems quite simple to me. Give them homes. Channel funds into reeducation and retraining. Help them acquire the skills they need to start taking care of themselves again. Build a strong support system so that if and when they backslide (everyone backslides, it’s inevitable), we’re there to help them find their way again. Why is that so difficult?

We don’t need 5km tall buildings and floating hotels. We need love and compassion and efforts channelled towards helping humans that need genuine help. Not building bigger boats, and houses, and planes so that well off people can continue building their empires.

We need people to change policy, to change social norms. Our current system is flawed, and you cannot tell me otherwise. There are people dying. Babies are dying from curable diseases, children are dying of hunger while the rest of the world wastes tonnes of food every single day. There is an imbalance that is choking the world, and yet, we turn a blind eye.

How can we just stand by while people are being systematically murdered? This is where my understanding of the world falls apart.

How can we just stand idly by? How are we not doing anything significant enough to help those who desperately need us? Why are we so determined that our skin tone or nationality makes us better than other people? Why is killing so normal for us? Why is not helping so normal for us? Screw the argument that humans are biologically driven to ensure our own survival. That’s bullshit and you know it.

Are we so weak in our principles that we cannot bear to help someone for fear they might ‘overrun’ us? Are we so selfish that we cannot give our neighbours half of what we have so that they might have as much a chance as surviving as we do? Are we so immoral that we value our own skin more that of others? Are we so selfish that we can only help people so long as they don't become better off than us? God forbid they take what we give them and make something of themselves.

Forget borders and nationalities and ethnicity and religion. We’re a global people now. We have to accept it and move forward. The us versus them mentality is not helpful anymore. Not for us nor for them. We have to be a we.

There’s a scene in The West Wing that makes this point really well. The two people were talking about sending US troops to intervene in a civil war in an African country. The conversation goes something like this:

CJ: The guy across the street is beating up a pregnant woman. You don't go over there and try and stop it?

Toby: The guy across the street is beating up anybody, I like to think I go over and try and stop it. But we aren't talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do that.

And that’s the answer many people will revert to, right?

Toby: Why are you sending your kids across the street?
CJ: Cause those are somebody's kids, too.

And that's mine.

We’re not cavemen anymore, and the survival of the human race is no longer just about our small little tribe. 

***

On a less serious note, how can we even begin to make contact and trade agreements with aliens if we can't come together as one world?

Blessed and trying to stay sane

Everyday, I think about how blessed I am. Financially: I have a roof over my head and I don't pay rent, I have a car and my mother pays the loan, I have a job and I make enough to cover my bills and expenses, and I'm able to save some every month.

Socially: I have a family that loves me and cares about me, a family that I wouldn't exhange for the world, chores are shared (mostly taken care of), friends I enjoy spending time with, colleagues that are generous and friendly.

Mentally and emotionally: I'm fully functional and able to exist within a society, I'm self aware and able to introspect, stable (I'd like to think).

All in all, I'm in a pretty good place and I'm grateful for that. I have the luxury of enjoying an overpriced Starbucks once in a while; I can buy make up and shoes and clothes; I can eat at cafés and restaurants; I enjoy my job; with some careful planning, I can go on holiday to a different continent; I feel loved and cared for.

Sometimes I start to wonder if I should wholly embrace this luxury and take one day at a time, forgoing any sort of long term plan because this is something I can afford to do right now: should I go backpacking? Become a full time freelancer? Get involved in innovative and exciting projects? Get a job across the world?

Or should I be practical: save up as much as I can so that I can buy a house one day? Make sure my five year plan ends up with me getting a Masters degree and entering the professional world psychology?

Part of me wants to be practical, because stability is reassuring. Part of me wants spontaneity because liberty is exciting. Some might say you can have both. That the liberty to be practical is still freedom, and I agree. Some might say spontaneity and practicality aren't mutually exclusive, and I agree too.

The challenge is in finding the balance. In finding a practical life that allows for liberty and excitement, a reality that doesn't feel like a chore and isn't uncertain. And the trick to not feeling stuck, at least for me, is to try new things. Life can't be boring or predictable when there are new factors to the equation.

So I have to make a point to eat new food, make new art, learn new skills or learn new tricks for existing skills, meet new people, try new exercises, bake new things. That's one strategy I have to stave off insanity.

The other, which I've learnt from personal experience and the experiences of others, is to declutter. Declutter my living space, declutter my mind, decluttery phonebooks and wardrobe and laptop and shoe cabinet. Declutter my ideals and ideas and goals. Declutter and organise what's left so that I have a clearer view of what matters to me.

Becoming December-me

It's strange. Everything is strange right now.

Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.

I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.

I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.

I guess I can start now.

Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.

Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.

I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.

I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.

I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:

1. Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
2. Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
3. Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
4. Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
5. Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading. 
6. Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
7. You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.

To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now. 

On feminism and being fair to men

I just had a passionate conversation with my family about feminism. It started with me telling them how the guy I know said that, as a man, he wouldn't want to read about a list of inspirational women. And that really bothered me.

Then we got into it about how focusing solely on one gender is unfair and goes against what feminism stands for...or is it?

My mum's argument:

1. Making the list just for women is not promoting equality because it basically disregards men. Instead, make a list of inspirational people and be blind to gender and choose the people based on merits alone. Do away with lists of just women or just men.
    
2. If we want to be equal, then it has to start with women, more so than men. That women have to accept themselves as equal to men, and only then will they be equal in society's eyes.
    
3. That women are not at the forefront as much before because sexism kept women from doing great things and being competitive in various fields. Therefore it's reasonable that there were previously barely any women featured or highlighted in society. 

My counter:

1. Making a list just for women does not mean I'm disregarding men. If it was a list of inspirational people that was composed of only women, that would be unfair and dismissive of men. But a list of inspirational women is just highlighting the many women that I find inspirational, and it's okay.
   
   Women are who I relate to. It's representational. And we all know representation is important. Seeing a male astronaut is inspirational but seeing a female astronaut makes me feel like I can do it too.
   
   Men don't have to worry much about representations of gender, they're represented everywhere. What I'm trying to do with a list of women is to showcase women who have inspired me, women to women.
   
   I think that great not just for me, but other women and girls out there who don't get to see their gender represented as people who are capable and incredible, who aren't told that they too can be inspiring.
   
   And sure, do away with separating genders in terms of award categories (best male lead and best female lead, like why? maybe just to have more awards to give out kot). But highlighting women who inspire me or highlighting women who are historically important, I think that's perfectly fine.
   
   In fact, I think that's entirely necessary seeing as women have only just recently been in the spotlight for that. We need more if we want to level the playing field.
    
2. Starting with women. Well, sure. I want women to know that they are equal to men, that they deserve equal pay for equal work, that they deserve respect just as much as men and that they are worth just as much as men. I do agree that women need to believe in the fight for the fight to have an impact.
   
   But I disagree that just by believing in this that equality will be attained. Just believing in equal rights is not enough, we need make sure we work for it. I can't just believe I'll have dinner and then magically a plate of food appears at my table. I have to believe and then act on it to get what I want. I think it works the same with feminism or any social justice cause. Actions are what changes the world.
   
   I also think the 'women more so than men' is untrue as well. It should be 'women, as much as men'.
    
3. This I disagree with as well. Yes, men were leading in many fields because women weren't competitive in it (because they weren't allowed to study or work in fields dominated by men), but even where women were leading, even in fields where they made an impact, women were tossed to the wayside, not mentioned; the spotlights shone on men instead.
   
   For example, Rosalind Franklin, a chemist whose research was critical in the discovering the double helix DNA structure. We know that Watson discovered DNA but there's no mention of Rosalind Franklin.
   
   Or Nettie Stevens who discovered the X and Y chromosomes. Yet her co-worker Thomas Morgan was credited with the discovery and he received a Nobel Prize for it, and he even dismissed her involvement by saying she was more of a technician than a scientist (seriously bro? WHAT THE HELL)
   
   That was back in the early 1900s. We're getting better at recognising women now, but there is much room for improvement. And that's why I think we need to make and effort, fight to have women be recognised for their work. Not to overshadow their male counterparts but to receive fair credit for their work.

I had  a bit of trouble articulating my point during the argument. I'm sure I got most of it out but my mum stuck to her points and I stuck to mine. And really. she totally agrees with me but she still also believes that women need to start being blind to gender and be inclusive. 

I just had to learn something about this so I talked to someone on a feminism blog that I follow. She's is great at articulating her points and I've learnt a lot about feminism from this blog. Her answer to this is hits the nail on the head, in my opinion. 

Fandomsandfeminism: Equality is a GOAL, not a method. You don't invite billionaires into soup kitchens in the name of equality. You have to raise up undermined groups to level the playing field.

That's what I failed to articulate: Equality is a goal, not a method. 

Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone. 

Global Goals for Tomorrowland.

I do not understand why or how so many people are completely buried in negativity. I do not understand why so many people in this world are so focused on working towards a better future for themselves yet they don’t see that their futures are intertwined with that of others. I do not understand how those people are unable to grasp the simplest of ideas that doing what’s best for you also means doing what’s best for everyone else.

So many people allow themselves to drown in excuses. We tell ourselves that things cannot be better. We say that it’s highly improbable or that it’s downright impossible for any situation to improve because of this political reason or that lack of resource or it takes too much time here or too much money there. We cling to these excuses and we repeat them to ourselves and each other so often, it’s as if we’re proud of it.

(I just watched Tomorrowland and Hugh Laurie’s character’s monologue near then end about humans gobbling up the idea of an apocalypse really got to me. Seriously, go watch the movie and listen carefully to the well written script and beautifully laid out descriptions about the modern human condition)

I am indescribably frustrated at the collective human race for being utterly toothless when it comes to making the world a better place. Sure, we have our Mahatma Ghandi’s and Bill Gates’s and Nelson Mandala’s and Mother Theresa’s who put the best interest of the collective human race first on their list of priorities and they never backed down in their efforts to leave this world in a better state than when they found it.

But I’m not talking about our lack of Ghandi’s or Mother Theresa’s. I’m talking about the getting the regular folks to be just a little more compassionate and proactive. I’m talking about getting more individuals invested in the future. If every person on the planet was just a fraction more compassionate, if we were all just a little more in tuned to the atrocities that are occurring in this world, if we all just did that one little thing better in our lives, if we commit our time and effort to just one issue we feel could improve the world for everyone, then we can change the world.

The power to create a nicer, healthier environment for ourselves is in our hands. And as I said before, our fates are intertwined. So when we do something to improve our lives, other people’s lives improve as well and vice versa.

If we’d all just stop making excuses and start taking action, things will change. We have to stop sitting on our butts and waiting for someone else to do the thing. We have to stop having conversations about why things won’t change and start talking about how we can change them. And then do you know what we need? We need to pick a thing and do it. Commit to it. If every person on the planet, or even just half the people on the planet, decided to start recycling paper and only buy recycled paper, then we’d save a whole bunch of trees, and consequently we’d also save a whole of bunch of flora and fauna as well as reduce our carbon emission. If every existing house and every new house was fitted with solar panels or wind turbines, we’d dramatically reduce pollution and our dependence on fossil fuel. If every government official and every politician acted in the best interest of the people (as they are supposed to), then I’m sure we’d reduce infant mortality rates, crime rates, and poverty. I don’t have numbers for these predictions but I’m confident that it’s true to some degree.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I don’t understand how politicians can be so greedy and power crazed that they forget their duties and elected officials. I don’t understand how big business people and very rich people are only interested in protecting their assets as of now but don’t care at all about what the planet and the global society is going to look like 50 years from now. I don’t understand how so many people can be so concerned about the short term gratifications without giving a single thought as to what the long term ramifications of their actions might be.

I do believe that humans are good. I believe that we are all (with the exception of those who have severe chemical imbalances in their brains) capable of compassion and empathy and care. Somewhere along the way, we seem to have lefts those things to the wayside while we adopted self-righteousness, selfishness, and greed. We’ve become so self-involved that we find it much easier to just sit back and absolve ourselves from any responsibility we might have towards each other as fellow humans rather than make the smallest change to our lifestyle for the benefit of humankind.

I want us to find that compassion. I want us to embrace all the positive energy we can, double it through commitment to a just cause and then release that energy via positive actions. I want us, as humans, to collective create the single most powerful ripple effect in the history of the world (if it can be measured) and I want that ripple effect to stem from good deeds; random acts of kindness, a commitment to recycle, a monthly donation to Doctors Without Borders, or just any one thing that is aimed at reducing world suck.

You may not see the effects of your efforts in your lifetime, certainly not if you’re the only one doing it but you have to know and understand that if those good deeds are sustained, then over time those efforts would pay off. Better still if more people committed to all the causes, because then you might be able to watch as the world changes and adapts to its bigger, brighter and better future.

If you want to change the world for the better, take a look at the Global Goals that were set out this year. We have 13 of them to accomplish by 2030. We can make it happen if we all work together. So go on, pick a thing and do it. Then get some people to join you in doing the thing as you change the world. Get your elected officials to commit as well and hold your government accountable. Hold your friends and family and yourself accountable. This is our planet and our society. We only have one of it so we'd better get to work at fixing it. 

We are made of star-stuff

 On this episode of Kath's Journey in Philosophy: We are made of star-stuff!

We were still talking about reality in class today. Somehow, we got around to talking about what we're made of. We watched Neil deGrasse Tyson's TIME interview that is on YouTube. He said we are made of the universe, and the universe is made of us. We are composed of the same basic elements that the universe is made of. We originated from that same central moment of the beginning of everything. So when we look up into the sky and see what we can of the universe beyond Earth, we don't have to feel small because we are the universe. Everything that is in those stars and planets is in us as well.

Our lecturer also talked about the Hadron Colliders in Cern and Buffalo. An experiment was conducted on two subatomic (maybe?) particles, one at each location. I really don't know the technicalities or science behind it so I'm not going to explain it. Not yet. I'll keep reading because I still don't understand. BUT, the point is, that the two particles 'resonated' with each other and it brought up the possibility that every particle is connected; that all energy is somehow connected.

When I put those two ideas together in my head, I was exhilarated. I was so moved. We are made of the same basic elements (which is obvious but not exciting until you really put some thought into it) and we (quite probably) all resonate with each other on a subatomic level. We are so intricately connected in more ways than one.

I cannot even begin to express how much this blows my mind.

I turned to Li Huan who was sitting next to me to tell him how amazed I was and I teared up.

That's how much.

Imagine if we all knew this, if we all accepted that this is entirely possible - that everything in us hails from the same, one moment in time, and that all the particles in us resonate as one. Imagine that. Once that becomes our truth, how can there be any hate? How can there be anything less that acceptance, care and understanding. How can there be anything less than love and eternal connectedness (not a word?)?

When I looked at Li Huan and I tried to articulate my excitement, I felt so connected to him. I felt connect to him and everyone around me in a way that I've never felt before. We were one.We are one. Every part of my being is essentially the same as every part in his being.

You know when you find someone who has the exact same pencil case that you have and you're like, "Duuude! We have the exact same pencil case! That is so awesome!" and you are genuinely excited; you feel this instant connection with that person because you found that first common ground, that feeling of pure joy and unity that strikes you so suddenly. That is what I felt but on a much larger, more primal and universal scale.

YOU AND ME ARE ONE.

And that is the most exciting, mind-blowing and (hopefully) life changing moment I have ever had the pleasure to experience.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

I REALLY WANT TO DYE MY HAIR BLUE

I've been wanting to do this for a while now and I've been saving money.

But then I decided to do it myself. Well, me and Vill. She wants some purple and I want two shades of blue. I found a shop when I was walking around with Nadiah and it sold hair dyes of various brands. They also had bleach and just so many other hair products.

I want the bottom part of my hair to be visibly blue. So like a lighter than midnight blue kind of colour or maybe just bright, deep blue. As for the top of my hair, I want it to be really dark blue; blue black.

I'm so excited about this. Mostly because I'm going to do it myself. No salon. No expensive stylists.

I've watched so many videos on how to bleach and dye hair. I've watched tutorials on using different types of bleach and how to get the ombre effect. I now have a lot more information about hair dyeing than I did this morning. I know about different strengths of bleach and different brands of hair dye. I know why I should use foil and I know how to get an even colour.

I JUST WANT TO START PUTTING ALL THIS NEW FOUND KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE!

I am so restless. I just really want to dye my hair. It's so exciting; dyeing my own hair. It's so exciting to think that I'm going to have blue hair soon. It's so exciting to know that Vill is going to have some purple in her hair. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS EXCITING except the waiting. The waiting sucks.

And the only silver lining I can find is delayed gratification.

I will definitely love the blue hair so much more after all this waiting.

NOW PLEASE

I've also been thinking about actually having blue hair. Being a student, this would be great. I think I'll look nice with blue hair and I'd have so much fun telling people that I did it at home. AND, I would probably be more confident about dyeing my hair more often. I'm still in uni. I might as well make the most of it.

I doubt I'll be able to have funky hair in most jobs in Malaysia.

Speaking of jobs, I haven't found anything that I could possibly apply for that is related to my psychology degree. It's kind of sad. So I don't want to think about it more on this post. Maybe another post in the future.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

Metaphysics and My Reality

I'm taking a Philosophy of Life and Death class this semester. It's mentally taxing and extremely intriguing. We talk about many philosophers and what they have said or written about life and death. We talk about contemporary ideas on philosophy and we challenge our own ideas on meaning and everything else related to philosophy.

The best (and worst) part about this class is that I start each lesson feeling confused and eager and by the end of it I'm confused and lost. 

For now, we've gone into metaphysics. We're talking about reality and the nature of it. There are a few main hypotheses about reality posed by a few philosophers; duality, computer mediated, creation and a combination of all three. (I was gonna link you to things but it's more of a bunch of links for each theory so you can go here to look at it all and more)

Personally, I really like the duality hypothesis. It makes sense to me and I like what it implies about reality.

Basically, we have the external, physical world and the internal reality which is our mind (thoughts, ideas and perceptions). Reality is the physical and the mental aspects coexisting. Two separate aspects, that is, where the mind is somewhat in control of the body and the physical world but it is also limited to the environment we are in because the mind responds to outside stimuli quite a bit.

What do I think is reality? What is my take on the nature of reality?

I don't fully know yet. I do think that whatever I'm about to say isn't original. I've collected thoughts and ideas from other people, other thinkers, and merely pieced some parts together to fit my understanding.

Reality is the life I lead. It is true for me. The limited space/environment that I am in is my reality and the knowledge and information I can access adds to that reality. The physical world is a huge part of my reality and it has a major impact on my internal world, which in itself is vast and seemingly infinite. I cannot discount science because I do think that it provides us with some form of understanding of the world we live in. However, I cannot say for certain that science is accurate because every form of measurement was conceived in relation to everything else in the world. Which means that science is only accurate in relation of everything else. Measurement is what we humans created so that we could have some structure. So if we meet an alien race, their measurements would likely be entirely different to ours. That brings up an issue because if science is only accurate in relation to everything else, we will need to make sure that everything else is accurate in order to say that our science is accurate. But how do we do that? The whole concept of measurement is that it is done in relation to everything else. This then renders science inaccurate or at least, unreliable in the grand scheme of things, at least in my reality. 

So what is accurate? I don't think anything can be accurate; at least not by my understanding. Accuracy is what we say it is and nothing more. Who is to say, then, that reality is not that as well? Following that train of logic, reality is what we say it is. Reality is subjective. And so my reality is what I make it, within the confines of my knowledge and experience. If my external experience of the world has led me to an internal conclusion of the presence or existence of God or a divine/supreme/supernatural force, then that becomes my reality. 

That also means that I have to accept that other people have their own subjective reality. On the one hand, if I'm saying that I create my own reality, I can argue that these other realities that are subject to other people are merely my own creation. If I create my own reality, I also create the reality of others around me because they are just part of my creation of reality. A paradox.

On the other hand, I'd prefer to think that each person is real in their own right and they each have their own bubbles of reality. These bubbles may coincide or diverge, but they are subject to the person experiencing it. This means that I will have to accept that there are realities out there which are just as real as mine but I may never experience or know; so it is, at the same time, not real to me. Sounds like a multiple reality theory because it is, but this is one where all these realities coexist in one universe. 

Of course, I don't think this long winded explanation is fool proof, nor is it infallible. I'm sure I could raise more questions from my explanation if I thought about it longer. Like, if my mind is my reality, does that mean that everything I know and experience in my mind is real? If so, can I mould my reality to whatever I want it to be? And many other logically sound questions.

I am thoroughly enjoying this class.  *I've been gesturing the thumbs up in my head for everything positive I've encountered these past few day and I don't know why*

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.

Paper Towns, My Margo and Salty Fries.

I just read Paper Towns. It's a really good read. I've also recognised a pattern in John Green books, a pattern that is further corroborated by Paper Towns.

Paper Towns, specifically, goes something like this. Young man; nerdy, socially inept, life not fully lived. Young woman ; lost, damaged, confident, flamboyant and elegant, beautiful to the young man. He falls in love from a far. She teaches him how to be more than himself. She disappears. He grieves. He finds her. She leaves. They realise just how much more they have become because of each other, and because of themselves. Then they move on without each other.

Margo Roth Speigelman. I imagined her just like Quentin did. The Margo I know is not the real Margo. The idea I have of her is who I want to be. Not the real Margo, though. I don't want to be her. I thought I did. Because, like Q, I was engulfed with the idea of this paper girl and who I thought she was. As I neared the end of the book, I realised how wrong I was. My Margo was just another mirror. (Though sometimes I think I can come pretty darn close to being the real Margo).

My Margo. The wanderlust and the need to leave. To go somewhere new and be someone new, but doing it in a way that doesn't include ripping myself away from everything and everyone I love like a BandAid. The Margo who organises TP'ing campaigns and who explores abandoned buildings just to sit in them. That Margo. I am not brave enough to be that Margo.

What about the real Margo Roth Speigelman? I think she felt trapped. She felt unreal and she needed a new place to find herself. A new place to set roots in, only to feel trapped again and leave for another new place (like Q said). Constantly lost Margo.

But then again, we're all lost, are we not? At some point in every persons life, they feel lost. Some decide to un-lose themselves and accept the lives they have in the predictable path that's been laid out for them. These people decide to find themselves in routine and normalcy, thoroughly okay with fact that their lives will forevermore be nothing but routine and 'normal'. They'd embrace their true calling to live as just another statistic.

And others, others cannot bear to let themselves remain un-found and lost so they end up embracing the unplanned, the thrilling void of unknowing and adventure. They dive head first into nothingness and everything-ness because that is so much better than routine. It's just so much more.

I want to be the one who embraces adventure. I want to be the one who hops from town to town, always looking, never settling, knowing that the planning is what keeps me going more than the destination ever can. But eventually, I also want to be the one who embraces monotony and predictability. Can I be both? Or must I be neither?

Also, why do I even want to know these things?

***

On a side note, I was craving for french fries a few days ago. I really wanted some good potato fries. I wanted a combination of salty, skinny McD fries and fat, potatoey Carl's Jr. fries. I tried to satisfy this craving by make pumpkin fries but I failed miserably and ended up intensifying my craving for the regular potato variety.

A few days later, I woke up and I didn't want fries anymore. I mean, I wouldn't decline fries if someone offered me some but I definitely wasn't craving them.

It got me thinking about how temporary that was; the craving for something, anything. I wanted it so badly only a few days ago but now, I don't even think about it.

However, this over analysing of my craving for fries and the subsequent non-craving for said fries may just be a result of over-spill from processing Paper Towns and wanting to be my Margo Roth Speigelman.

Right now, I want fries again.

That one final stretch before the start of everything... or has everything already begun?

I’m thinking about the future, specifically my future, and I’m scared. I’m not even going very far into the future; more like the one that’s looming closer each day, the immediate post graduation future.

What’s next?

I am so afraid. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I know I want art therapy. Well, I know I want art in some way or the other and art therapy is the most obvious choice I have right now that involves both art and psychology (don’t want that degree to go to waste).

I told mama and she asked me, “Is it practical?” I HAVE NO IDEA. There isn’t really a market for art therapists here in Malaysia, I know that. I know that even the idea of therapy, no matter what the form, is still a taboo in this part of the world. So obviously, I’ll have to throw practicality out the window for this one. Will it guarantee me a stable financial basis? No. Will it even guarantee me a proper job? No. I don’t even know how to get into the field apart from getting an internship or Masters in Art Therapy which is not offered locally.

So what’s my back up plan? What happens if art therapy has to take a back seat for now? What happens if I cannot pursue art therapy right now, in the beginning of the rest of my life? What else can I do? I don’t want to do clinical psychology and I don’t want to do research. I also would rather not get into any form of corporate or organisational psychology because I am not a fan of big corporations or conglomerates. 

What then? What other options am I left with?

These were the questions mama brought up in our conversation about my near future. She’s right, of course. I have to think about getting a steady job, kicking off a career, financial stability, using my knowledge from the psych degree in a way that would benefit me.

BUT, I don’t want to think of it that way. I don’t want to choose my job or career path based on whether or not it’ll give me a good salary. I don’t want to think about the ‘practical application of my degree’. I don’t want to be stuck doing something just for the money. I want to do what I love. I want to make art and I want to use art to help people. I know the industry isn’t big here, not yet; but I would like to get into the movement of expanding the use of art in this country. I’d like to do that.

However, I am also acutely aware that my strong desire to get involved in art therapy is, right now, not altruistically motivated. I want to get involved in art for myself. I want art for me. I want to create things and learn new art forms. And right now, the only way I can make art and money at the same time seems to be through art therapy. And that’s not a good enough reason to be involved in therapy, I think - because what I want is selfish and this should be a selfless path.

So what then? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep studying (because I know that’s just a way for me to keep hiding from my future, delaying the inevitable responsibilities of complete adulthood), I don’t want a ‘boring and practical job’. I don’t want to have to pick a path based on financial needs and long term stability.

I want to do something that makes me happy.  I want to create. I want to participate in art. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. I want to live. How do I decide on that?

Paint Only Good Things

A close friend asked me once, "When your realise that a lot of people in your life can leave wounds in your soul, do you start wondering if they're worth it?" The answer is no. I never thought about it until she asked me that. But the answer I gave her came pouring out like I've had it in my head for years already. I guess I have subconsciously thought about (this point may not be relevant. I just wanted to point it out because the the human brain is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me).

Here's what I think:

Everything painful in life leaves a wound. Time heals it, sometimes without morphine. But most people do eventually heal. After that, you're left with a memory and a scar. 

Imagine you had a blank piece of paper and every person in life has a paintbrush. When you meet someone, be it for one moment or many moments, they leave a mark on your paper. Sooner or later, you realise that people sometimes leave marks that are not pretty at all and in a colour that you completely hate. So you stop letting people paint your paper because you don't want them to ruin it. You start by keeping them at arms length, fearing for the state of your piece of paper.

But still, some people are able to flick paint onto your paper. They get paint on the wrong spots and in the most horrible colours, even when you keep it so far away from them. So then you decide to put your paper in a glass case with whatever marks it already has. Your aim is, still, to preserve that piece of paper from further 'damage'. People try to paint it but the paint doesn't stick so they move on because life is about painting on other people's papers Eventually, you're left with that same old paper from the day you chose to box it up. The same marks, the same creases. Never changing. Stagnant. You don't allow for the chance that your paper might be painted by people who are beautiful and talented. You stand next to your glass encased paper and watch as people pass you by, insisting that you are better off like this.

Eventually, you get lonely so you finally decide to take your paper out of it's case because you want new paint on it and you think it's time. You are finally ready to take that chance. The moment you open the case, your paper crumbles in the air because the it's dry and brittle from being in the glass case for so long. There was no new paint to give it life, no wet paint to soften it. And all that you're left with is a pile of dust in your hands. No one else can ever paint it again because no one knows how to paint a pile of crumbled paper.

I think every person will leave a scar and everyone is worth it. At least until they start turning scars into fatal wounds. But till then, life is about painting other people's lives and trying your hardest to make sure you don't ruin their beautifully painted paper. Being wounded is a natural part of life. Without spots of intense ugliness on your paper, you'd never know how stunning the rest of it is. The point is to spread as much beauty as you can and to limit the amount of damage you bring into the world.

Everyone is worth the scars they leave you. Because the scars they leave you are what makes you special.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Let Your Subconscious Speak!

Righto, time for another post.

I am happy today:)

I had a dream two nights ago and I feel really good about it because I think I understand myself a little more. Dreams, according to Freud, are the "royal road to the unconscious". The foundation of Freudian psychology is the unconscious mind and how we, humans, are driven to behave the way we do by our unconscious mind which is regulated by our conscious and subconscious minds. When we dream, our unconscious mind takes over and it incorporates things from our life, both conscious and subconscious. So Freud felt that analysing and interpreting dreams would be a good way to tap into your unconscious mind. 

I agree, somewhat cautiously, with Freud. When we're thinking about something a lot, we tend to dream about it. When we have a problem and we decide to 'sleep on it', our subconscious works to solve it and sometimes that process manifests itself in the form of dreams. We then wake up with this revelation, the sudden light bulb idea which isn't sudden at all because your brain has been working on it while you were asleep.

So this dream taught me a few invaluable lessons. There were subplots in my dream too but that's not important right now. 

Let's get to the point, shall we.

This dream I had involved things and people from my life as well as stranger elements like a big and clinically white room. I won't recount the dream here but the essence of it was this: I was presented with something I had always been afraid of and that something taught me to: 1. Not be afraid of it anymore because my reasons for being afraid of it were stupid, 2. what I want is not what I always thought I wanted, and 3. it then showed me what I actually do want. The details are irrelevant. 

This lesson came in the form of a person. This person showed me that what I always dreamt of having is not really what I want. All the amazing adventures and excitement, all the crazy fun and all the passion is not what I'm actually craving for. What I want is serenity, gentle love and calm reassurances. As much as I love the idea of a wild west blockbuster Parisian romance, what I really want is the complete opposite. What I want is my own Freddie Page without the drama and commitment issues.

All this time, I was misguided by my own head. I kept imagining incredible adventures with people I love and I've done that so often that I convinced myself it's what I want. I told myself that this is what I keep saying and thinking, therefore this is what I want.

I could not have been more wrong. And my brain decided to clear that up. Thank you, brain.

My subconscious took something I was afraid of (big, scary, too much to handle), put it in the form of a person and then proceeded to show me that I'm not actually afraid of big and scary; that I've been interpreting 'big' and 'scary' wrong all this time. Big and scary turned out to be the gentlest, kindest, most loving creature ever. And this creature then showed me that I wanted big in the form of gentle. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

I wrote the dream down because I want to remember it. The last line explains it perfectly: 

What I want is what he personified in my dream; the calm and comfort that love offers while being paradoxically imposing yet gentle.

I still think that's a bunch of the words swapped for synonyms based on what I wrote above but maybe it helps a little more with the understanding thing.

The whole point of this post is that I've discovered something about myself either by chance or by constant subconscious mulling. I don't know. Maybe both. Whichever it is, I know myself better and I'm better for it. This really made my day, or should I say 'days' since the dream was from two nights ago and I'm still cheery. 

I'm also caught up on my assignments so the only thing that's going to cause me stress is the Malaysian Studies trip but since there's no class tomorrow, I might even be in a great mood for that!

WOHOO!

Opening That Door.

What would you say or do if someone told you that they would like to know what goes on in your head? If they asked you to volunteer honest insights, not just on current events but on anything at all, would you do it?

Would it scare you to let the world into your head? Would it worry you what they might find or what you might have forgotten was in there all along?

I would be. Scared, that is. My head, my mind; it's my safe haven. The thought of letting people see it, even a glimpse, makes me shiver.

Yet that's what I might do. Might being the operative word.

A couple of friends told me that they'd like to know what goes on in my head. They want to know me better. They want me to share. And I do want to, but what they're asking is for me to talk about things I don't talk about to anyone but myself.

I think that's asking a lot. That's basically walking up to a politician and asking for the keys to the journals they wrote as a teenager. I don't know if I'm going to do it.

Part of me feels like it's about time I spoke my mind more and opened up to people. But another part of me, a seemingly bigger part, feels like I'm entitled to my privacy and should not give it up just because someone asked me to.

I really don't know what to do. I have not decided. Maybe I can share just a few things. Nothing grand, nothing big. Just tiny things in all honesty.

Dyou think that's reasonable?

Ergggh.

Just as I was done proof-reading my last post, a few more thoughts popped into my head. Since I haven't been writing and sharing much information here, I decided that I might as well write them out.

Ironically, the first though was that writing really helps me gather my mind. As I've mentioned before, my mind races like a bunch of trains just crisscrossing, jumping from one track to another, changing directions and colour so fast that I sometimes end up just staring into blank space, trying to make sense of it all.

Writing helps me organise my thoughts. It helps me lay it all out and understand. When I write, I think. When I write, I feel better. I feel calmer. It's like I can finally see clearly and I know what my mind is telling me.

So yes, writing helps. Writing is good. NEVER STOP WRITING! When in doubt, write.

The other thing that I thought of was that I'll be turning 22 in a few months. 5 months to be exact! I can't really wrap my head around it. I haven't even gotten used to the idea of being 21. When I was 13, I thought 21 year olds were all mature. I thought they were wise and that they have it together. Boy, was I wrong!

Someone obviously forgot to deliver the manual on how to be 'all that' on my 21st birthday. I feel very much like I did when I was 13. The only difference is that I know a few more things about a few more things and that I can choose what clothes to wear. Everything else feels the same. I'm still terrible at socialising, I'm still stubborn as ever, I still don't know how to pay taxes, and I don't read the newspaper. So you can see why I might be a little edgy about turning 22. At this point in time, age really does feel like just a number. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm 21. I am legally an adult. I don't feel like I'm 21, though.

Finally, I realised that I've been saying 'Oh my Lord!' a little too much. I'm annoying myself. I say out loud and I say it in my head almost all the time. I don't even know were I picked it up from. And there's this sing-songy tune that goes along with that phrase when I say it. Seriously, it is so annoying. I cringe every time I say it yet I cannot seem to stop saying it. That's cognitive dissonance, right there.

I need a new phrase to over-use.

"Ergggh!" is the main contender at the moment with "No, you don't understand!" coming in a close second.

I think I might go with "Ergggh!" because "No, you don't understand!" implies that no one else can understand what I'm feeling or thinking which is not true. That phrase might end up wearing off a lot faster than the current one. "Ergggh!" it is.

I shall condition myself to the new phrase.

Wandering Wonderer

I am wide awake. Therefore, I've been thinking.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, I want a farm and a Psychology degree. But how do I get there? 2 more years till I get my degree. But what about the farm? How do I get there? What do I do right after my degree?

I have no idea. I do know that I don't want to spend more time studying. I know the importance of getting my masters but I do not want to get into it so soon. No. I've already spent 15 years studying and I have 2 more years ahead of me. I want a break.

But what do I do?

I cannot honestly choose a career path based on what little know? I mean, do I know what being a doctor is or what a therapist has to do?? I want to try things before deciding. I want to work in a vineyeard or a mill. Or both. I want to pick tea leaves and care for victims of war. I want to counsel children and tend to horses. I want to be a clerk and a cook.

I want to try everything I can. I want to discover the world. I want to figure out what interests me. Right now, I have no passion. Nothing really drives me.

That's the problem.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

At the moment, it seems like I'm headed to be coming a nomadic soul-searcher. That doesn't sound too bad, really.

Create

Once again, my brain is working faster than I can type. All these thoughts and emotions are bouncing around in my head at a speed that, I'm sure, is faster than either light or sound.

This coming Wednesday marks the end of my first year at uni. It's pretty exciting. One whole year of studying psychology. It's been great. I've made friends and I've learned so much. To think that I have so much more to learn! Human beings truly are remarkable creatures.

Sometimes, when I remember that I have to write a thesis in my 3rd year, I start to worry. I panic and even consider dropping everything. But then the next day, I go for class and I realise that when the time comes, I'll know what I need to know in order to write an A+ research manuscript. I don't feel so scared after that.

In the mean time, I'm oscillating between being annoying and being annoyed. Sometimes, I'm both. Interesting though humans may be, they're also extremely irritating. I find myself being frustrated by people so often, it's a wonder I don't explode. But then sometimes, I see people and I love talking to them and listening to their stories. To be honest, I prefer listening. I love stories. And I like being around people. They don't even have to speak; just being in the presence of another human being calms me down. And then again, there are moments when people are being people and I just want to be alone.

Anyway, while we're still on the subject of two extremes, I'm torn between being who I am and being who I want to be. I am opinionated, childish, and laid back (too laid back, according to my career counselor). I like who I am. I like being the opinionated, childish young lady who doesn't care about peoples perceptions of her. But then sometimes I feel like I want to be more mature and classy, more accessible, and have something to be passionate about. When I make an effort to be less childish, I feel like I'm living a lie. It's uncomfortable. Yet I want to be mature. That's a pickle if I've ever seen one.

For now, I'm going to keep to who I am and hope that maturity and wisdom comes with age. As for being more accessible; I will work on it on and off, when I feel like it. And passion, I've yet to discover one for myself. Some people have music, some love art, some can talk for hours about biology and politics. Then there's me. I feel very blank. I don't have a passion. Not really. There's not one thing I can talk about in detail, for hours on end (unless you count Harry Potter).

I don't have a clue as to what might interest me. I've never been naturally talented at one thing. My talent, I'd say, is being a quick learner. So I suppose what I need is to find one thing that I love doing and start doing it. But that's the whole problem. I like a lot of things. I like arts and crafts, I like making things with my hands, I like writing (but I know that I lack imagination), I like eating and I like baking. The thing is, I've never been able to just focus on one thing. I prefer doing it all in small amounts.

Also, since I'm more of a learner, I feel a little lost when I bake, paint or write without guidance. Kind of like I'm walking in the dark. I don't like not knowing what to do. So then, I just bake (write and paint) a little, once in a while, without trying too hard because I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

That reminds me of a quote. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is this: once you let go of your fear of making mistakes, then your can create art. What I think it means is that I should not worry about mistakes, mistakes do not exist in art. Art is expression and expression is subjective. There are no mistakes in subjectivity. This reminds me of another quote; stop chasing perfection because it does not exist. I feel that applies to art as well, any kind of art. I just haven't been able to do that.

I suppose the moral is, I should just do what I enjoy without trying to be perfect. I should just create and create till my bones decay. I just need to find the right kind of art.

The Impossible Hazy Dream

It is weird. I used to be so confident that I'll be married someday. That I will find my soulmate and we will live a happy and fulfilling life together. I believed so strongly that I will have my own family and that I will live amazing moments with my husband.

Now, however, all I see are impossibilities. I don't see a man in my future. I don't see romance or even a family.

All I see are faded dreams and hazy company. No family. No love. Just dark and light and loneliness. Because I see now how foolish I have been to think, even for a second, that there is actual joy to be had in this world. Not the kind that I pictured, anyway.

The happiness I had imagined was just that, a distorted figment of ny mind. There is no such thing as a happy ending. There is only me. Me and my impossible hazy dreams.