Becoming December-me

It's strange. Everything is strange right now.

Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.

I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.

I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.

I guess I can start now.

Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.

Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.

I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.

I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.

I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:

1. Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
2. Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
3. Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
4. Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
5. Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading. 
6. Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
7. You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.

To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now. 

Paint Only Good Things

A close friend asked me once, "When your realise that a lot of people in your life can leave wounds in your soul, do you start wondering if they're worth it?" The answer is no. I never thought about it until she asked me that. But the answer I gave her came pouring out like I've had it in my head for years already. I guess I have subconsciously thought about (this point may not be relevant. I just wanted to point it out because the the human brain is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me).

Here's what I think:

Everything painful in life leaves a wound. Time heals it, sometimes without morphine. But most people do eventually heal. After that, you're left with a memory and a scar. 

Imagine you had a blank piece of paper and every person in life has a paintbrush. When you meet someone, be it for one moment or many moments, they leave a mark on your paper. Sooner or later, you realise that people sometimes leave marks that are not pretty at all and in a colour that you completely hate. So you stop letting people paint your paper because you don't want them to ruin it. You start by keeping them at arms length, fearing for the state of your piece of paper.

But still, some people are able to flick paint onto your paper. They get paint on the wrong spots and in the most horrible colours, even when you keep it so far away from them. So then you decide to put your paper in a glass case with whatever marks it already has. Your aim is, still, to preserve that piece of paper from further 'damage'. People try to paint it but the paint doesn't stick so they move on because life is about painting on other people's papers Eventually, you're left with that same old paper from the day you chose to box it up. The same marks, the same creases. Never changing. Stagnant. You don't allow for the chance that your paper might be painted by people who are beautiful and talented. You stand next to your glass encased paper and watch as people pass you by, insisting that you are better off like this.

Eventually, you get lonely so you finally decide to take your paper out of it's case because you want new paint on it and you think it's time. You are finally ready to take that chance. The moment you open the case, your paper crumbles in the air because the it's dry and brittle from being in the glass case for so long. There was no new paint to give it life, no wet paint to soften it. And all that you're left with is a pile of dust in your hands. No one else can ever paint it again because no one knows how to paint a pile of crumbled paper.

I think every person will leave a scar and everyone is worth it. At least until they start turning scars into fatal wounds. But till then, life is about painting other people's lives and trying your hardest to make sure you don't ruin their beautifully painted paper. Being wounded is a natural part of life. Without spots of intense ugliness on your paper, you'd never know how stunning the rest of it is. The point is to spread as much beauty as you can and to limit the amount of damage you bring into the world.

Everyone is worth the scars they leave you. Because the scars they leave you are what makes you special.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Band Girl

Well look at that. It's been more than a month.

This semester is finally over, thank God. It's been quite a long semester, relatively speaking. I was quite ready to flop on the floor by the end of week 8. But of course, I couldn't. I had 14 weeks altogether to get through. 201 was fun. I learnt a lot and Ms. Winnee was a great lecturer. 209 was ok. I didn't participate in class as much as I should have but I did enjoy the class. I can't say the same for Malaysian Studies, though. That was horrible, as expected. I'm just glad to be done with it (I won't know for sure til I get the results but I think I passed. SO, NO MORE!). 205 was interesting. Engaging, to say the least. Dr. Chua tried very hard to help us change the way we think; going from always finding the correct answer to opening our mind to the possibility of multiple answers that are neither right nor wrong. She had me wishing that all teachers would adopt her method of educating.

School aside, things have been ok. I've not been thinking very much but I think I'm heading there. I've started reading again too. Yes, it's been a little bit of a struggle. Dan Brown's Inferno was no issue but the sixth installment to the Hitchhikers Guide is a little harder. I'm reminding myself to read it whenever I have nothing else to do (which is a lot of the time now that I'm on break). Mama bought me quite a few books from the sale recently so I have a bunch more books to read. I still have the ones from last year too. That's one of the the goals I've set for myself this semester break. Read more.

The others are; make perfect caramel sauce, snail mail christmas cards, make macaroons and paint more (specifically: make typography posters but I think I'll widen that to just any kind of painting).

I've made caramel sauce. It came out a little thicker than I wanted so I'm going to have to do that one again. The thick caramel is pretty good so I'm going to save it for the center of my macaroons if I ever manage to make them. Or I might just eat it plain.

I'm not going through the rest of the list because that would be immensely boring. Instead, I'm going to state something I've learnt about myself. I like bands. Yes, this may seem a little obvious to others but I've only just realised this. the kind of music I like is usually band stuff (not boy band). I like Simple Plan, Yellowcard, Coldplay, Linkin Park. I like the collaboration of many instruments and styles and just music by bands. The only solo artist I can confidently say I like is Ed Sheeran. His music is beautiful and I'd listen to his entire album on repeat, no issue. His voice is just amazing and the songs he write are incredibly poetic. But then there are bands who rock out and sing about everything under the sun, both silly and emotionally draining. So yeah, I'm definitely a band girl. :)

OH also! We're going to Singapore this weekend! I'm really excited! I've never been there so I'm looking forward to it! On the down side, there'll be a disruption to the water supply tomorrow and possibly the following few days as well. I am prepared for stinky.

Quote I found in the book I'm currently reading (though I think the author took it from somewhere else):
For every action, there will be an equal and opposite reaction.