On feminism and being fair to men

I just had a passionate conversation with my family about feminism. It started with me telling them how the guy I know said that, as a man, he wouldn't want to read about a list of inspirational women. And that really bothered me.

Then we got into it about how focusing solely on one gender is unfair and goes against what feminism stands for...or is it?

My mum's argument:

1. Making the list just for women is not promoting equality because it basically disregards men. Instead, make a list of inspirational people and be blind to gender and choose the people based on merits alone. Do away with lists of just women or just men.
    
2. If we want to be equal, then it has to start with women, more so than men. That women have to accept themselves as equal to men, and only then will they be equal in society's eyes.
    
3. That women are not at the forefront as much before because sexism kept women from doing great things and being competitive in various fields. Therefore it's reasonable that there were previously barely any women featured or highlighted in society. 

My counter:

1. Making a list just for women does not mean I'm disregarding men. If it was a list of inspirational people that was composed of only women, that would be unfair and dismissive of men. But a list of inspirational women is just highlighting the many women that I find inspirational, and it's okay.
   
   Women are who I relate to. It's representational. And we all know representation is important. Seeing a male astronaut is inspirational but seeing a female astronaut makes me feel like I can do it too.
   
   Men don't have to worry much about representations of gender, they're represented everywhere. What I'm trying to do with a list of women is to showcase women who have inspired me, women to women.
   
   I think that great not just for me, but other women and girls out there who don't get to see their gender represented as people who are capable and incredible, who aren't told that they too can be inspiring.
   
   And sure, do away with separating genders in terms of award categories (best male lead and best female lead, like why? maybe just to have more awards to give out kot). But highlighting women who inspire me or highlighting women who are historically important, I think that's perfectly fine.
   
   In fact, I think that's entirely necessary seeing as women have only just recently been in the spotlight for that. We need more if we want to level the playing field.
    
2. Starting with women. Well, sure. I want women to know that they are equal to men, that they deserve equal pay for equal work, that they deserve respect just as much as men and that they are worth just as much as men. I do agree that women need to believe in the fight for the fight to have an impact.
   
   But I disagree that just by believing in this that equality will be attained. Just believing in equal rights is not enough, we need make sure we work for it. I can't just believe I'll have dinner and then magically a plate of food appears at my table. I have to believe and then act on it to get what I want. I think it works the same with feminism or any social justice cause. Actions are what changes the world.
   
   I also think the 'women more so than men' is untrue as well. It should be 'women, as much as men'.
    
3. This I disagree with as well. Yes, men were leading in many fields because women weren't competitive in it (because they weren't allowed to study or work in fields dominated by men), but even where women were leading, even in fields where they made an impact, women were tossed to the wayside, not mentioned; the spotlights shone on men instead.
   
   For example, Rosalind Franklin, a chemist whose research was critical in the discovering the double helix DNA structure. We know that Watson discovered DNA but there's no mention of Rosalind Franklin.
   
   Or Nettie Stevens who discovered the X and Y chromosomes. Yet her co-worker Thomas Morgan was credited with the discovery and he received a Nobel Prize for it, and he even dismissed her involvement by saying she was more of a technician than a scientist (seriously bro? WHAT THE HELL)
   
   That was back in the early 1900s. We're getting better at recognising women now, but there is much room for improvement. And that's why I think we need to make and effort, fight to have women be recognised for their work. Not to overshadow their male counterparts but to receive fair credit for their work.

I had  a bit of trouble articulating my point during the argument. I'm sure I got most of it out but my mum stuck to her points and I stuck to mine. And really. she totally agrees with me but she still also believes that women need to start being blind to gender and be inclusive. 

I just had to learn something about this so I talked to someone on a feminism blog that I follow. She's is great at articulating her points and I've learnt a lot about feminism from this blog. Her answer to this is hits the nail on the head, in my opinion. 

Fandomsandfeminism: Equality is a GOAL, not a method. You don't invite billionaires into soup kitchens in the name of equality. You have to raise up undermined groups to level the playing field.

That's what I failed to articulate: Equality is a goal, not a method. 

We are made of star-stuff

 On this episode of Kath's Journey in Philosophy: We are made of star-stuff!

We were still talking about reality in class today. Somehow, we got around to talking about what we're made of. We watched Neil deGrasse Tyson's TIME interview that is on YouTube. He said we are made of the universe, and the universe is made of us. We are composed of the same basic elements that the universe is made of. We originated from that same central moment of the beginning of everything. So when we look up into the sky and see what we can of the universe beyond Earth, we don't have to feel small because we are the universe. Everything that is in those stars and planets is in us as well.

Our lecturer also talked about the Hadron Colliders in Cern and Buffalo. An experiment was conducted on two subatomic (maybe?) particles, one at each location. I really don't know the technicalities or science behind it so I'm not going to explain it. Not yet. I'll keep reading because I still don't understand. BUT, the point is, that the two particles 'resonated' with each other and it brought up the possibility that every particle is connected; that all energy is somehow connected.

When I put those two ideas together in my head, I was exhilarated. I was so moved. We are made of the same basic elements (which is obvious but not exciting until you really put some thought into it) and we (quite probably) all resonate with each other on a subatomic level. We are so intricately connected in more ways than one.

I cannot even begin to express how much this blows my mind.

I turned to Li Huan who was sitting next to me to tell him how amazed I was and I teared up.

That's how much.

Imagine if we all knew this, if we all accepted that this is entirely possible - that everything in us hails from the same, one moment in time, and that all the particles in us resonate as one. Imagine that. Once that becomes our truth, how can there be any hate? How can there be anything less that acceptance, care and understanding. How can there be anything less than love and eternal connectedness (not a word?)?

When I looked at Li Huan and I tried to articulate my excitement, I felt so connected to him. I felt connect to him and everyone around me in a way that I've never felt before. We were one.We are one. Every part of my being is essentially the same as every part in his being.

You know when you find someone who has the exact same pencil case that you have and you're like, "Duuude! We have the exact same pencil case! That is so awesome!" and you are genuinely excited; you feel this instant connection with that person because you found that first common ground, that feeling of pure joy and unity that strikes you so suddenly. That is what I felt but on a much larger, more primal and universal scale.

YOU AND ME ARE ONE.

And that is the most exciting, mind-blowing and (hopefully) life changing moment I have ever had the pleasure to experience.

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

*Insert A Witty Title About Brushstrokes*

Someone once told me to make a list of what I like to do and do it.

It took me a while, but I've started painting. Not regularly, though. I paint when I'm bored or just really feel like creating.

That's what I did today.

I used to think that painting (or creating) was therapeutic. Making things with my hands, watching things come together, art; I thought that it would make me feel better, and happier because I was making something out of stuff that are basically nothing on their own. That's the general idea, isn't it? When we say art therapy, we expect some sense of release and relief. We expect to be better off than when we started. I know now that I was wrong.

Today is my day off and I didn't want to read biopsych so I decided to paint instead.

I was relatively cheery these past 2 days. Everything seemed funnier and brighter. So when I picked up my paint brush and unscrewed the lids off my tiny paint bottles, I was expecting to feel even better at the end of the process; happier and a lot less bored.

The first page was nonsense. Just colours... not even nice colours. After that, I painted a cat silhouette. Then a ram. Then the TARDIS (which I ruined with a badly painted quote). I continued with a few other things.

Throughout the painting process, I suddenly felt lighter but darker. At first I didn't get it. I definitely didn't feel bored anymore, but I didn't know what else I felt.

Once I painted my last thing of the day, I laid back and started to think.

I wasn't bored anymore. I had worked that restless energy off. But I wasn't happier. In fact, I was less happy than when I started. I felt a little gloomier, sadder. And I didn't understand. Why did painting and creating make me feel so sad? It was supposed to do the opposite.

I kept thinking about it.

And then it hit me. Art didn't suddenly reverse it's effect. No. Art did exactly what it has always done. It stripped away my shell. With each brush stroke, I let my guard down. As I completed each painting, one more brick was removed.

Art revealed my core. It took everything away - the mask and the defense systems - and left me with the harsh reality of what I was really feeling. The sadness and the gloom. I was forced to face my waves. Apparently, I wasn't actually as happy as I thought I was. I mean, I know that I wasn't exactly chirpy and completely content. I guess I just didn't want to face the amount of 'sad' I have in me right now.

In hindsight, this is not all that surprising. I was putting on a mask and it worked well enough for me to ignore the tiny slivers of grey creeping through. I just laughed a littlelouder and smiled a little bigger to block it all out. Everything got ripped away when I started painting, though.

I won't say I feel better now but I know that I feel less fake. I suppose that's all that matters, really. Being real with myself.

Let's hope I'm better at being 22 than I was at being 26

I wonder why the new year is such a big deal? Fireworks, parties, resolutions. I see why it may be a big deal for school going people since a new year usually means new subjects, perhaps new teachers. But what about working adults? The first day of this year was a Wednesday. A normal Wednesday. They didn't go to work. But then they did on Thursday. So what's the fuss? I don't know, man, but I sure as hell was excited about it!

For me, new year means a new semester at university. The second semester of my second year. In about a year and a half, I'll be done with this. Incredible. I remember starting out and thinking to myself that three years is a hell of a long time to be studying again. I was wrong.

The new year also makes me think of my impending birthday anniversary. 22 years ago (minus about a months and a half), I was born. Imagine that. Or maybe don't. I get really nervous every time my birthday approaches. Honestly, I spent at least half my waking hours yesterday feeling all nauseous and anxious over turning 22.

It's always struck me as odd that I feel nervous. I mean, why wouldn't I be excited? I'm getting older, people are more likely to take me seriously. Also, the older I get, the more control I have over my own life and my decisions. I should be happy, excited. Instead, I'm happy and anxious. All that responsibility.

Also, I can't seem to imagine myself being any age other than what I am right now. Questions like, "Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?" don't work with my brain because I don't see it as me, aged 5 years older and in the future. What I see when I try to answer the question is me right now time travelling to five years in the future, pretending to know what I'm doing and behaving in the exact way me-right-now would.

I don't know what I'd be like in five years. I don't even know if I'll be alive or have the same number of limbs; how am I supposed to know what I'd be doing with my life in that time?

So yea, birthdays make me nervous. Mostly because I have no idea what the next year of my life will bring me or how I'll will have changed by the end of it. Actually, now that I think of it, I'm also nervous because of the whole responsibility thing. I mean, c'mon, who thought it'd be a good idea to let me grow up and have a set of my own car keys and control of my own bank account?

I want to be able to handle myself well. But I also want to never let go or forget the little kid inside of me. Birthdays are just another way of celebrating the addition of another horrendously boring and routine layer of adulthood over the fun and simplicity of childhood. I have to make sure I build in a giant doorway into those layers so I can access the fun whenever I want to.

Anyways, Happy New Year :)

Let Your Subconscious Speak!

Righto, time for another post.

I am happy today:)

I had a dream two nights ago and I feel really good about it because I think I understand myself a little more. Dreams, according to Freud, are the "royal road to the unconscious". The foundation of Freudian psychology is the unconscious mind and how we, humans, are driven to behave the way we do by our unconscious mind which is regulated by our conscious and subconscious minds. When we dream, our unconscious mind takes over and it incorporates things from our life, both conscious and subconscious. So Freud felt that analysing and interpreting dreams would be a good way to tap into your unconscious mind. 

I agree, somewhat cautiously, with Freud. When we're thinking about something a lot, we tend to dream about it. When we have a problem and we decide to 'sleep on it', our subconscious works to solve it and sometimes that process manifests itself in the form of dreams. We then wake up with this revelation, the sudden light bulb idea which isn't sudden at all because your brain has been working on it while you were asleep.

So this dream taught me a few invaluable lessons. There were subplots in my dream too but that's not important right now. 

Let's get to the point, shall we.

This dream I had involved things and people from my life as well as stranger elements like a big and clinically white room. I won't recount the dream here but the essence of it was this: I was presented with something I had always been afraid of and that something taught me to: 1. Not be afraid of it anymore because my reasons for being afraid of it were stupid, 2. what I want is not what I always thought I wanted, and 3. it then showed me what I actually do want. The details are irrelevant. 

This lesson came in the form of a person. This person showed me that what I always dreamt of having is not really what I want. All the amazing adventures and excitement, all the crazy fun and all the passion is not what I'm actually craving for. What I want is serenity, gentle love and calm reassurances. As much as I love the idea of a wild west blockbuster Parisian romance, what I really want is the complete opposite. What I want is my own Freddie Page without the drama and commitment issues.

All this time, I was misguided by my own head. I kept imagining incredible adventures with people I love and I've done that so often that I convinced myself it's what I want. I told myself that this is what I keep saying and thinking, therefore this is what I want.

I could not have been more wrong. And my brain decided to clear that up. Thank you, brain.

My subconscious took something I was afraid of (big, scary, too much to handle), put it in the form of a person and then proceeded to show me that I'm not actually afraid of big and scary; that I've been interpreting 'big' and 'scary' wrong all this time. Big and scary turned out to be the gentlest, kindest, most loving creature ever. And this creature then showed me that I wanted big in the form of gentle. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

I wrote the dream down because I want to remember it. The last line explains it perfectly: 

What I want is what he personified in my dream; the calm and comfort that love offers while being paradoxically imposing yet gentle.

I still think that's a bunch of the words swapped for synonyms based on what I wrote above but maybe it helps a little more with the understanding thing.

The whole point of this post is that I've discovered something about myself either by chance or by constant subconscious mulling. I don't know. Maybe both. Whichever it is, I know myself better and I'm better for it. This really made my day, or should I say 'days' since the dream was from two nights ago and I'm still cheery. 

I'm also caught up on my assignments so the only thing that's going to cause me stress is the Malaysian Studies trip but since there's no class tomorrow, I might even be in a great mood for that!

WOHOO!

Fulfill Your Own Prophecy, Why Don't You!

This week seems like it's going to be a relaxing one. The calm before the storm. I still have 3 group projects to complete but we're only really starting them all next week. So for now, I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do. I suppose I could study. And maybe watch more tv shows (I have quite a few to catch up on). OR, I could do what someone once told me to; make a list of things that I like to do and go do them.

I might attempt a little bit of everything. (Update: I did some chores and then watched half a season of Haven. Whooo!)

But first I want to talk about something.

(I'll be right back, the washing machine just beeped)

I'm back.

What I wanted to talk about is how everyday, we are faced with cruel reminders of things we cannot have. I'm not talking about an iPad or a BMW. When I say things, I mean love, peace, understanding from that one person who means the world to you. You cannot always have these things.

Sometimes, you come so close only to find out that you will only ever be able to see it, but never have it.

I feel like this sometimes. I think and rethink and overthink. I get sad and I get angry. And then I realise that I should use these reminders as motivators. The universe says I can't have that? Fine then. I'll get something else, just as good or maybe even much better.

Because there's no use moping around, being sad that I didn't get what I felt I needed. Moping will not solve any of my problems. It will not get me to where I want to go. So basically, turn that frown upside down. You attract what you believe in and practice. Essentially, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a line in my social psych textbook that I really like. It says, "To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike; if we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

Little nuggets if wisdom from psychology textbooks.

I really like that line. It taught me a lot about this uncomfortable dissonance I've been feeling about my faith. I need to make a choice and stick to it. I need to be what I want to be. And that works with everything else too. If I want peace, I have to embody peace, I have to give it and show it. The same goes for love.

So that is what I will try to do.

One last thing, I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from a friend. He said he thought of me when he read this quote from Emilie Autumn's book, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls:

"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why  you are in so much pain."

That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, as far as I can remember.

Ergggh.

Just as I was done proof-reading my last post, a few more thoughts popped into my head. Since I haven't been writing and sharing much information here, I decided that I might as well write them out.

Ironically, the first though was that writing really helps me gather my mind. As I've mentioned before, my mind races like a bunch of trains just crisscrossing, jumping from one track to another, changing directions and colour so fast that I sometimes end up just staring into blank space, trying to make sense of it all.

Writing helps me organise my thoughts. It helps me lay it all out and understand. When I write, I think. When I write, I feel better. I feel calmer. It's like I can finally see clearly and I know what my mind is telling me.

So yes, writing helps. Writing is good. NEVER STOP WRITING! When in doubt, write.

The other thing that I thought of was that I'll be turning 22 in a few months. 5 months to be exact! I can't really wrap my head around it. I haven't even gotten used to the idea of being 21. When I was 13, I thought 21 year olds were all mature. I thought they were wise and that they have it together. Boy, was I wrong!

Someone obviously forgot to deliver the manual on how to be 'all that' on my 21st birthday. I feel very much like I did when I was 13. The only difference is that I know a few more things about a few more things and that I can choose what clothes to wear. Everything else feels the same. I'm still terrible at socialising, I'm still stubborn as ever, I still don't know how to pay taxes, and I don't read the newspaper. So you can see why I might be a little edgy about turning 22. At this point in time, age really does feel like just a number. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm 21. I am legally an adult. I don't feel like I'm 21, though.

Finally, I realised that I've been saying 'Oh my Lord!' a little too much. I'm annoying myself. I say out loud and I say it in my head almost all the time. I don't even know were I picked it up from. And there's this sing-songy tune that goes along with that phrase when I say it. Seriously, it is so annoying. I cringe every time I say it yet I cannot seem to stop saying it. That's cognitive dissonance, right there.

I need a new phrase to over-use.

"Ergggh!" is the main contender at the moment with "No, you don't understand!" coming in a close second.

I think I might go with "Ergggh!" because "No, you don't understand!" implies that no one else can understand what I'm feeling or thinking which is not true. That phrase might end up wearing off a lot faster than the current one. "Ergggh!" it is.

I shall condition myself to the new phrase.

Create

Once again, my brain is working faster than I can type. All these thoughts and emotions are bouncing around in my head at a speed that, I'm sure, is faster than either light or sound.

This coming Wednesday marks the end of my first year at uni. It's pretty exciting. One whole year of studying psychology. It's been great. I've made friends and I've learned so much. To think that I have so much more to learn! Human beings truly are remarkable creatures.

Sometimes, when I remember that I have to write a thesis in my 3rd year, I start to worry. I panic and even consider dropping everything. But then the next day, I go for class and I realise that when the time comes, I'll know what I need to know in order to write an A+ research manuscript. I don't feel so scared after that.

In the mean time, I'm oscillating between being annoying and being annoyed. Sometimes, I'm both. Interesting though humans may be, they're also extremely irritating. I find myself being frustrated by people so often, it's a wonder I don't explode. But then sometimes, I see people and I love talking to them and listening to their stories. To be honest, I prefer listening. I love stories. And I like being around people. They don't even have to speak; just being in the presence of another human being calms me down. And then again, there are moments when people are being people and I just want to be alone.

Anyway, while we're still on the subject of two extremes, I'm torn between being who I am and being who I want to be. I am opinionated, childish, and laid back (too laid back, according to my career counselor). I like who I am. I like being the opinionated, childish young lady who doesn't care about peoples perceptions of her. But then sometimes I feel like I want to be more mature and classy, more accessible, and have something to be passionate about. When I make an effort to be less childish, I feel like I'm living a lie. It's uncomfortable. Yet I want to be mature. That's a pickle if I've ever seen one.

For now, I'm going to keep to who I am and hope that maturity and wisdom comes with age. As for being more accessible; I will work on it on and off, when I feel like it. And passion, I've yet to discover one for myself. Some people have music, some love art, some can talk for hours about biology and politics. Then there's me. I feel very blank. I don't have a passion. Not really. There's not one thing I can talk about in detail, for hours on end (unless you count Harry Potter).

I don't have a clue as to what might interest me. I've never been naturally talented at one thing. My talent, I'd say, is being a quick learner. So I suppose what I need is to find one thing that I love doing and start doing it. But that's the whole problem. I like a lot of things. I like arts and crafts, I like making things with my hands, I like writing (but I know that I lack imagination), I like eating and I like baking. The thing is, I've never been able to just focus on one thing. I prefer doing it all in small amounts.

Also, since I'm more of a learner, I feel a little lost when I bake, paint or write without guidance. Kind of like I'm walking in the dark. I don't like not knowing what to do. So then, I just bake (write and paint) a little, once in a while, without trying too hard because I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

That reminds me of a quote. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is this: once you let go of your fear of making mistakes, then your can create art. What I think it means is that I should not worry about mistakes, mistakes do not exist in art. Art is expression and expression is subjective. There are no mistakes in subjectivity. This reminds me of another quote; stop chasing perfection because it does not exist. I feel that applies to art as well, any kind of art. I just haven't been able to do that.

I suppose the moral is, I should just do what I enjoy without trying to be perfect. I should just create and create till my bones decay. I just need to find the right kind of art.

The Impossible Hazy Dream

It is weird. I used to be so confident that I'll be married someday. That I will find my soulmate and we will live a happy and fulfilling life together. I believed so strongly that I will have my own family and that I will live amazing moments with my husband.

Now, however, all I see are impossibilities. I don't see a man in my future. I don't see romance or even a family.

All I see are faded dreams and hazy company. No family. No love. Just dark and light and loneliness. Because I see now how foolish I have been to think, even for a second, that there is actual joy to be had in this world. Not the kind that I pictured, anyway.

The happiness I had imagined was just that, a distorted figment of ny mind. There is no such thing as a happy ending. There is only me. Me and my impossible hazy dreams.

Conscious Appraisals

I've been thinking (never a good sign, hmm) and I realised that I know where I want to be in the future. As in, I know what I want to be doing, the kind of person I want to be. However, I have no idea how I'm going to get there. The in-between, the journey... it's unknown to me. I have no clue and that scares me a little.

The fear of the unknown.

Someone asked me today if I was scared of anything and I suppose this is my biggest fear. Not knowing. Going in blind.

Also, I was thinking about character building. About how people choose to behave. The traits they choose to have or ones that occur naturally.

I suppose most of us do it unconsciously  We observe people and events in the world. Our experiences shape us. They shape our behaviour and how we react to anything. Either through Classical Conditioning, Operant Conditioning or Observational Learning, we develop traits.

But sometimes, we consciously learn. When we choose to break a habit, we do it consciously. We tell ourselves to do, or not do, something. We make an effort to shape who we are and what we may become.

My question is, how many of us actually do that?

I've learnt by now, that people do not behave in ways we think they might. People always surprise us. Often times, we think that we're the only ones who are weird. We may be the only person, save perhaps a handful of others, who eat apples with peanut butter. However, sooner or later, we find out that the apple-with-peanut-butter eating population is not a small one. There are other people out there in this world, in this huge world, who are just as weird as we are.

That doesn't make us any less special. No. But it also means that humans are not as different from each other as we like to believe. We share common traits. With more than 7 billion people on Earth, you'd be hard put to find one person who has a trait or habit that is unique to them.

Anyway, back to the point. Do we consciously shape our behaviour? I suppose more people do it than what I might originally think.

I know I do. When someone says something to me or if I read a line from a book, something that touches me or hits me profoundly, I tend to take it to heart. Suddenly, I find myself consciously changing. For example, I used to have a really short temper. I was always being teased and I never had any patience for it. I would sulk and get really upset. I'd say things and lose my temper quite a lot. Till one day, my mother told me that I shouldn't take everything to heart. That kids are just playing around and they mean nothing by it so I should not get so angry.

As soon as I heard her say those words, I felt my entire mind just shift. I decided that what my mother said was true and I should not lose my temper. From that day on, I consciously worked on it. Every time I was close to losing my temper, I'd tell myself, "Be calm. Patience. Brush it off."

And I think it worked. I have (or I'd like to believe that I have) my temper in check now (with the exception of my brother; he just hits the right nerve every single time). I don't get touchy when people tease me and I've learnt patience.

Currently, I'm working on "I'm sorry". A friend of mine pointed out that I don't actually sound sorry when I say it. For example, when I tell them that I can't join them for a movie and I apologise, she says that I don't really sound sorry. She feels like it's just something I say, like an automated response.

So, taking it to heart, I decided to change. I say sorry only when I really am sorry or if I can make sure I sound sorry. And when I am sorry, but cannot be sure that other's see my sincerity, then I do not apologise . For smaller things, like declining a movie invite, I don't say sorry because even though I am sorry, it's not grave enough for me to actually sound sorry.

Does that make any sense? No? Well, that's what I thought.

Why should I not apologise just because it doesn't sound like I'm sorry even though I actually am? My face is, when I'm completely focused, disconnected to the emotional center of my brain so my emotions don't show on my face. Which means that even though I truly am sorry for something, I may not actually look the part. But that should not discount or devalue the weight or truth of my apology.

I think it's unfair for anyone to tell me that I don't sound sorry enough.

So now, I have to tell my brain to readjust and stop trying to fix what is not broken. I shall apologise even though I run the risk of not sounding sincere enough. I took those words to heart and I've started to consciously alter my behaviour but now I feel really silly for even doing it in the first place. Now, I have to stop the process.

It's quite confusing.

Sorry for the chaos.

To end this, here's a quote from Doctor Who, The Rings of Akhaten (Series 7, Episode 8) about uniqueness [on a side note, I think this is a beautiful thing to say to someone who might not think they are worth anything]:

All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Galel. And there will never be another. Getting rid of that existence isn't a sacrifice, it's a waste!

Learning

I learnt an important lesson this week. Emotional support. I'm a problem fixer. When someone is upset or whatever, my first thought will be, "How can I fix this? How can I make you not feel sad or upset?".

But I know now that it's not always about 'fixing' a problem. Most of the time when people share their problems and worries with you, it is not to because they want you to present them with a solution. What they usually want is to know that you care. It's knowing that you care about how they're feeling and that you are there for them and that you love them.

At the end of our last Social Psychology lecture, Dr.Chua showed us a video of a couple getting therapy. The husband said something very important. He revealed that he now understands that what his wife wanted from him all along, that is emotional support. When she was upset, he'd shut down because he didn't know how to respond to her. But now he understands that all she ever wanted was for him to be emotionally engaged. She wanted him to know what she's feeling and be her shoulder to cry on.

Funnily enough, I thought I understood this after watching the video and maybe I did, but I didn't realise I was doing exactly what the husband did until later. A friend pointed it out. And suddenly, I got it. It's about being there for someone and saying, "Yes, I understand what you are telling me and I am here for you to lean on."

I hope I always remember this.

Moving on, I read this (though perhaps not in so many words) somewhere: "We can get up right now and choose to walk away or change something in our life and there is nothing to stop us yet most us don't"

This got me thinking, maybe it's because we're scared of change. Maybe we feel powerless?

But really, we're not. Far from it. We can change anything we want about our life. All we have to do is start. All we have to do is take one step.

I think most of us are so comfortable with the familiar that we don't try to change anything even if it's bad. It's a sad cycle that I think we need to stop. We have to work very hard at learning that we are in control of our lives and we can be different. We can do what we want and achieve almost any goal. The sooner we learn this, the sooner our children will know that they too are empowered.

The only limits in life are the ones you  make

The Silence (not the ones from DW)

If you spent the entire day at home alone, hearing nothing but the sound of the fan turning and cars passing by outside - not a peep escaping your lips, not a shimmer nor a sound from another human being; not even another living thing - how would that affect you?

This is how it affects me:

I feel pressed by the silence at times. It's like air that just keeps getting denser and denser, pushing against my eardrums, against my chest till I can't seem to make a sound myself. And if I do manage it, the sound is usually alien to me. Out of space, out of time. Neither here nor there.

I realise that when I spend the day home alone, my internal volume goes up a few notches. The voices in my head, the music in my head and the white noise in my head becomes so much louder than anything else. Sometimes, I get so used to my internal sound that I forget how silent my day really is. I don't need to turn the radio on because I already have music in my head. I don't know what music it is but I know it's there. I cannot make it out yet I know it's there.

In moments such as these, silence is not really silence.

When I'm suddenly yanked back into reality, when external sounds start cropping up around me - external voices, external music, external white noise - I feel assaulted. These sounds pound on my ear drums. I cringe at the volume, no matter how soft it is because external sounds are so much louder than my internal volume can ever be. I get so annoyed and irked by these external sounds.

I mean, yes, I am happy to hear sounds of the real world, but after such a long day in silence, noise can be quite stressful (even if I did kind of hate the silence). It's like I've grown used to the silence, much like when you get used to having cracked lips - it hurts but you know, after some time, to avoid spicy food. You live around this. In that way, I live around silence; until noise becomes the thing that irks me.

That's what silence is when I'm alone.

On another note, I'm currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love". I think it's a beautiful book. I've learned a lot from it. No, not every lesson the author learnt applies to me, but some things do. My favourite so far, is this: Live in the present. I think that's what we've all lost. The ability to live in the present. Sometimes, I think the human race has lost this ability so long ago that babies are now born without it. They don't lose it, they just never had it to begin with.

We're constantly planning ahead, working today for money tomorrow. Our thoughts are basically, 'Oh, one day, I'm gonna be/do _____. One day...." either that or we're dwelling on the past. "Ergh, last night was terrible," "I wish I had done that differently...." You get the picture.

That's really all we ever do. We relive the past and dream of the future. What about today? What about here and now? What about the present? Do we really want to spend our present dwelling on "what if's"?

What we all need to remember is how to live in the present. We need to live today for today and enjoy the moments in the present. What we need to recapture is the ability to worry about "tomorrow" only when "tomorrow" becomes "today". I really believe that if we put our entire soul into living each day in the present, then the future will sort itself out.

Scary, isn't it, this whole concept of 'not worrying about the future'? It is to me, but I think it's necessary. If we want to really be at peace, we should be at peace with our present because the past cannot be changed and the future has yet to happen, so what is there to worry about.

Anyways, this is me today. Just thinking. Always thinking :)

I want to end with this. I found this video that demonstrates to you what schizophrenic people hear when they have auditory hallucinations. This is based on real life accounts. I have to warn you, it's not for the faint hearted. This is very creepy and I cannot even begin to comprehend how they live like this. I stopped after 18 seconds (the entire thing is 3 minutes and 38 seconds long), literally yanking out the headphone and hitting the mute button. But I hope you try, even just for a bit. I am very glad that my inner voices sound nothing like this.

Take care.

Being Who-vified!

DAVINA HAS ENHANCED MY LIFE. BLESS HER SOUL!

I've been wanting to watch Doctor Who for over a year now but my abysmal downloading skills and lack of friends who even know what Doctor Who is has severely impeded my progress. But this year, this fun filled year has led me to this moment. I knew this day would come. It's finally here!

Davina, darling Davina gave me 6 series of DW (from the ninth Doctor onwards. I shall look for the earlier ones once I'm done with this).

I started watching a couple of days ago. I'm now 10 episodes in and completely in love. OMG!

There was a lot of pressure for me. I saw a lot about DW on the net and I wanted so badly to watch it and to truly love it. I was a little apprehensive about it. Alas, I THINK IT'S GREAT! Totally awesome!

AHHH!

I'm so happy! I can't wait to finish series 1 and move on to the next!

Nine is adorable. Christopher Eccleston has some serious acting skills. He has this adorable smile; so cheeky and full of life! And in the DALEK episode, he was seriously maniacal. I mean, he totally lost it when he saw the Dalek! I get it, though. The Great Time War and all the Doctor's people are dead at the hands of the Daleks (who are robotic alien type thingys bent on killing anything that's different from them; much like Hitler).

He was great. I love him! Ergh. And ROSE! ROSE TYLER! She's perfect! She's so brave and gutsy and playful. She's brilliant. And I love how it's not always the Doctor who saves the day. It's the ordinary people. It's an important message. Like, no one is unimportant. Nine has said that over and over again. The ordinary is always important.

Ergh.

I found this picture which helps explain what's happening to me:

Exactly this. ^

I haven't reached the bow tie yet but I get the sonic screwdriver, the banana, and the TARDIS. Dunno what the 3D glasses is for though. Enhanced viewing? I don't know.

Have I mentioned how happy I was when The Doctor explained what TARDIS stood for! OMG! Time And Relative Dimension In Space!

But what matters is that I AM IN LOVE WITH DOCTOR WHO! GAHHH!

I like to call this the Who-vification process. I will not consider meself a Whovian until I've caught up on everything. Grr.

Also, my imaginary friends/inner voice/brain/consciousness has decided to adopt an English accent. This is going to be good. Wait till I start with the Tenth Doctor. Bring on David Tennant and his Scottish accent!

:D

14 Things I Realised

So, I've been thinking (what else is new?) and I've come to realise a few things.

First: I have very bad short term memory. I'm grateful for my phone calender. I still need a new notebook though.

Second: I need to start taking more organised notes in class.

Third: It's ok to be straight forward just to not to the extent of being like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Emotional regulation is the key.

Fourth: I should start watching Doctor Who (which I will once I get Benji back and get the series from Dav)

Fifth: I've been regulating my emotions for a while now, even before I learnt about it in class. It's both good and bad.

Sixth: I know some neurotic people (in the scientific and psychological sense of the word). They're not crazy. They just like to be stressed. Or as Dr. Eugene would say, "They're happy being unhappy."

Seventh: Dr. Eugene is, so far, my favourite lecturer.

Eighth: I'm still unsure about what I want to do with my life but I'm currently content with being a student; a psych student.

Ninth: I WANT a new phone but I may not necessarily NEED one. (blogging through my phone sucks).

Tenth: There's a song, only one, that evokes a huge wave of emotions in me. I never thought of it before but yea, it does.

Eleventh: I have a midterm paper next week (just one) and I'm so excited!

Twelfth: I need silence (or really light, flowy music) when I'm concentrating on something like writing or reading a book.

Thirteenth: I need to learn some tact.

Fourteenth: I have to make the moves if I want something. Being passive has never helped me and that's not going to change. It's time for me to be an active seeker, a go-getter.

That is all. Thanks for listening:)

Mind Over Mood

I've been self reflecting a lot lately. Here's what I realised today: I've been letting the sadness win.

There's this quote I really like. "It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win."

I've been forcing happiness and inadvertently, I let sadness take over. Take today, for example. There were so many good moments. So many. It started off with 111 and Ross's admiration of the positivity post-it project. Then speaking in front of everyone during 111, learnt a few tips on goal setting which I think will really help me, had a good lunch, met someone else who's crazy about Simple Plan too, had a ball making art at the CPCS open day, traded sarcasm with Peter, talked about TWW with a fellow TWW fan (difficult to find), played the bible quiz online with mama and I was positively reinforced today (apparently, if I were a guy, my friends would date me! I feel good (^^,). Too bad they like guys).

So, why am I sad? Why am I upset and demotivated?

Because I've been focusing on the few bad moments. I've been dwelling in the dark with my eyes closed and wondering why I can't see. I let those moments consume me. I let it regulate my mood. I have to remember not to let sadness win. It's about being filled with those beautiful moments. Moments that happen without effort. Those moments are what matters. Mind Over Mood.

So, I know now what's been bugging me. I just need to remember: It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win.

Somewhere Between Mammoths and Stock Markets, We Lost Something...

It seems that my brain cells prefer to put in some over time just before it shuts down for the night (leaving only the most essential systems running, of course).  I usually take about 30 minutes to fall asleep on normal nights (which isn't good, if I remember correctly) and in those 30 minutes, I come up with my best, most philosophical, sometimes even bordering on absurd yet quite thought-provoking questions and stuff. That's terrible since I won't remember half of it when I wake up.

Well, don't expect much of that here, though, because my brain is still far from shutting down for the night. Fret not, for at times when I'm fully conscious with no expectations of falling asleep, I do come up with some ridiculous thoughts in a spectacularly messy way :) (meaning, my brain likes jumping around topics like a cartoon Lima bean).

Ok, I was going to write something about social pyramids. Something along the lines of how the huge egos of humans are what created this world that seems to be ruled by social hierarchy. I had an impressive argument, starting off with the Egyptian Pharaohs and stuff but then I got side tracked by a thing or two..

Here's the first: Cameron Mitchell. For those of you who do not know (you unfortunate little beings), he's the amazing guy from The Glee Project. Now, if you have not heard him sing, you have missed something truly beautiful. Trust me, your ears will be grateful. I know mine are:)

My two favourites from him are Blackbird (a Beatles cover) and Lost (an Aqualung cover). This guy has a beautiful voice and the way he sings is just something out of this world. I could listen to him sing all day long. I actually stopped typing when I heard his rendition of Lost, and therefore losing the whole social pyramid train of thought.

Note to self: Do not listen to Cameron Mitchell when writing/typing.


Anyway, I just wanted to express my love of Cameron Mitchell's singing voice.It's makes me go all googly and weak at the knees. Swoon-worthy, for sure.

Now, the next thing that derailed my original thought was this: What is wrong with the world? Specifically, the people in it. I know that this is a very general question which can lead to tons of different debatable answers, so let me narrow it down to what I mean at this moment in time. When did human beings lose our innocence?

Of course, the religious argument would be Adam, Eve and a sneaky snake as well as Cain, Abel, some weird smoke and an axe. I've heard the stories before a dozen times but I'm not dumb and neither are you. The stories of Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel are exactly that; stories. They're not real. It's just something the old timers came up with to explain our existence in this world, and of course sin, from a religious point of view (and by 'old timers' I mean those who wrote the book of Genesis).

So, that brings us back to the question. Where did our innocence go? Somewhere along the way, from being  hairy two legged creatures eating raw meat to the cave men that discovered fire and invented the wheel and then becoming the suit wearing, money hungry, power crazed people that we are today, we lost it. The most important part of our humanity got lost in translation while we were busy procreating. This then led to the worst part (to me) of modern history, the Holocaust.

Where, in between killing mammoths as the means of survival and harvesting rubber to fuel the industrial age did we drop our love of life? Not just the love of our own lives but that of others as well? How on Earth did we become these creatures that we are today?

Here's a breakdown of what we have become:
We are simple creatures who spend most of our time trying to earn enough money to get by. We live our entire lives trying to be someone; score well in school to get into a good university which, then, leads to more studying so as to get god grades and a good job. All that because we need to earn money to be able to feed ourselves and provide for our family. We keep reaching for more and when we get that, we reach further because that's all we know. We're explorers, discoverers. We keep going further and further. We want more. We never settle, we don't want to.

That's what we are.

There's good and bad, of course, in what we are today but I do feel like the bad is winning at the moment. We talk about beauty all the time. We talk about how pretty a rose is or how sweet honey tastes. We go on about love like it's the key to heaven on earth. We speak of music and philosophy, of politics and economics, of the beauty of life.

But how many of us truly appreciates these things? Whenever I walked in the tube stations of London, I saw a few specially designated spots for musicians to set up and play. For them to offer some beauty in the dull underground stations.Sadly, no one stopped. Sure, one or two people dropped some change into the musicians waiting guitar case or hat as they passed by but not one person took time off their busy schedules to stop and just listen, even for a second, to the beauty emanating from these musicians. Doesn't this prove that we're missing something? That, in our quest for 'more' and the great unknown, we have lost our sense of life? Our sense of real beauty?

If we can't take time off our days to stop and smell the roses, taste the honey and listen to some simple, original music in a dull subway, I think we're missing a huge part of life itself. Don't you believe that if everyone, and I mean everyone, from the Wall Street broker to the thief down the road, would just pause for a moment each day and realise how much real beauty our world holds, that the world would be a better place? I think so.

I think if everyone would just stop trying to out do each other, this world would be bliss. There would be no Hitler or mighty Pharaohs killing millions of slaves just to build a tomb. There wouldn't be any Pyramids either but I think I could live with that. I think this ideal world is entirely possible.

Here's the hard part; not everyone is going to jump on the bandwagon. Not everyone wants a world of beauty. And so we're stuck on this huge orb, all trying to survive and all looking for the great unknown. That better 'something' that is guaranteed to give us happiness. And while we're doing that, we try not to miss the blooming roses or the buzzing bees.

Rambling On...

53 days till the SIMPLE PLAN concert!

Hey one and all. Today, I would like to ramble. :) Yes, I do that often but beware that this time, I am going to ramble on with no organisation or structure.

I realised that I have no idea where I'm going to be in 5 years. The most obvious reason being I'm not a psychic. Add to that the fact that I don't really have my future all planned out. I mean, yes, I know what I want to study when I get into a university, but I have no idea where that will take me or in fact, if I'll actually stick to this course at all. So, in essence, I'm going in blind. I don't really have a problem with that because I know (don't ask me how) that I will end up happy. I'll spend my life doing something I love that makes me happy and surrounded by people I love who make me happy. It's like, I know there's light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know what the tunnel holds for me or how long it is. I am sure that it's going to be one hell of a journey though.

Oh and also, I've been hit by this self conscious bug. I realise that I haven't been all that good. I lost my temper, I've been cranky for no apparent reason, and I haven't been paying much attention to anything. I should really switch gears. Keep self checking and all that. I should keep a mirror with me at all times!

I think sometimes we don't realise what we do. We think we're doing OK, that we really are on the straight road but then something snaps and suddenly, we don't know when we went wrong. I don't mean our actions. I mean attitude and behaviour. That's really not something we keep in check all the time because we're so busy chasing whatever it is we're chasing. We lose track and sometimes we need help finding our way back. Most of the time, it's just about realising that we went wrong. It's not easy to keep checking in with yourself, but everyone should make a conscious effort. I will do my best on this.

You know, I really can't stop thinking about Simple Plan's concert. I'm telling anyone who will listen! I don't blame me la, because I've been a fan of them for about 7 years now but I've never seen them live! It's an insult to SP fans everywhere. They came once in 2004 (I think) but it was an invite only show at Zouk. The only way to get tickets was to win them or hope for an invite (I don't know by who). After all these years, they've probably went around the world about 5 times touring. Finally, they're coming back here! I think I kind of get why they waited so long before coming again. They don't really have a huge fan base here in Malaysia. They have more crazy fans in Singapore and Indonesia than here in Malaysia. I mean, it wouldn't be all that fun to come to a show where the audience isn't made up of 50% die hard fans, right?

But still, I'm glad that they're coming in January. I'm going to go all out crazy astronaut SP fan girl on that day! (SP fans call themselves 'Astronauts' after one of their latest songs) Maybe I'll make a sign? That's what crazy fan girls do right? Also, I'll be sure to get Rockzone tickets so I can rock out the entire time right in front of the stage. :) Hopefully they have a meet and greet session we can all go to as well. It's going to be spectacular! I really cannot wait.

I'm thinking about Simple Plan night and day. I'm listening to their songs non stop and keep checking into their website and twitter for updates. I'm getting all hyped up for this concert. Who knows when I'll see them again? They're going to be in Europe next year for a few concerts but unfortunately for me, they'll be there around March. I'm only going to be there with ma and bro in May. Maybe they'll have more shows? Ah well, seeing them perform live here at home will be enough to sustain me for a long time. I think I'll be OK even if I don't get to meet them and take a picture or whatever. At least I get to finally see them live:)

STPM is going fine. The first paper was good. Much better, in fact, than I've ever done. I'm happy about it. The next paper I have to tackle is BM 2 and Economics (Macro and Micro). I think once I'm done with those 3, I'll feel a lot better. I'll definitely feel more relaxed. Only 8 days of till I'm shot of these 3 papers. After that, I'll be home free for Literature (which isn't really so bad). This is another thing I can't wait for. No, not Literature. I'm talking about the end of STPM!

Gotta get my hands on Simple Plan's GET YOUR HEART ON! and soon too... lots of songs to enjoy before the concert.

This Is Not How I Pictured It

It has been a terrible day. I thought that finishing SPM meant that I would enjoy life and freedom a bit more than usual. Turns out, I was a little wrong. Everything seems to be going haywire now. Things getting lost, people getting stressed. If this is what freedom after SPM feels like, then I think I'd like to go back to form 4 please!! I hope tomorrow gets better.

Enough about the day. Time for me to reflect about the day's revelation. I realised today that I actually still have a lot of things to learn. I may know a lot about somethings, but evidently, I don't know anything about a lot of things. I've realised that I have to be humble and accept whatever lessons I get, no questions asked. I'm not all-knowing. So, I just have to accept that there are older and wiser people out there. And the only way for me to be completely accepting of other views is, I have to first be honest. Honest in everything I do and say. Only after that can I really learn from LIFE, I think.

I also realised that I've grown up alot this past year. I probably still have a lot of growing up to do but I'm proud of how far I've come:) I'm not the same person I was 1 year ago. And I don't think I'll be the same person I am now, next year. We're always changing. It's evolution. I think.. no.. I know that I've finally come to terms with that.

Anyway, I probably sound to philosophical already. But this blog is a place for me to turn my thoughts into writing. So, chao!