Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.

Awkward Smile and Confused Eyes

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty dejected yesterday and in the past few weeks.

I wrote my feelings out on a piece of paper (typed out on an electronic paper but those are just minor details) and it felt good to get the words out of my head.

This morning, I was feeling a little better. Still gloomy but not terribly so. As the day went by, I laughed a little, on social cues. Then I laughed a little more because people were being funny. And eventually, I started laughing because I wanted to.

My lecturer was funny, my friends were funny, my new friend was funny and even though the sky accurately reflected my morning mood, my heart felt lighter.

I did kinda sink a little before I left uni. I had a good day and the thought of being locked inside my own head again was a little daunting. My heart reflected the sky, just then.

So I got on the bus after a calming hug from Peter. I tried very hard not to scowl. I focused on my  new shoes and kept telling myself to  lighten up. It was a mantra in my head. The bus went along it's merry way, headed towards the LRT station.

Then a guy boarded the bus. He took out a deck of cards and started to shuffle it in like a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he stumbled, sometimes he was so quick. Being the tactless little weasley that I am, I just stared at his hands, shuffling the deck, flipping cards and doing tricks.

He saw me looking and so he said he had way too much free time on his hands. Then I watched him practice a little more. After a minute or so, he asked me to pick a card from the deck. He did a little 'magic' trick where he shuffled the deck and found my card.

I saw the trick though and I told him so (yea Kath, strike at a guys ego before you even introduce yourself. Genius).

Anyways, we started talking a little after that. He's name is Joshua and he's an ADP student. He's been shuffling cards with style for about 6 months and he thinks I look like I'm 18 years old (What's new? When he said that, I just said, "Yea, I know." Perfect, if I wanted to sound arrogant.) I told him I was from Shah Alam and he proceeded to say something in terrible BM (he admitted he was terrible at it ok) and I said I've heard worse (not much worse, to be honest, but one point to me for not damaging his ego even more).

Then we reached the station and went our separate ways.

What I realised the whole time was that I couldn't help myself from smiling this really awkward new person smile (which he had on as well). That's ok. To be expected. But my smile was accompanied by thoroughly confused looking eyes. That's how I greet new people when I'm on my own. I smile awkwardly and look at them like I'm a confused Castiel trying to figure out how to work sarcasm in season 4 (a Supernatural fan might get that reference. If you are not an SPN fan, then it simply means I looked very, very, very confused)

.I should work on my socialising skills.

On another note, the experiment meeting went well, I think. We managed to decide on a few important details. We're making progress and I think we can pull this off. I sure hope that our research is sound. If it's not..... NO. It is sound. We're covering all the bases. EVERYTHING, EVERY BASE SHALL BE COVERED!

I thank God for this good day. I felt him today, in all the joy. Not so much in religion though, just God.

Mind Over Mood

I've been self reflecting a lot lately. Here's what I realised today: I've been letting the sadness win.

There's this quote I really like. "It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win."

I've been forcing happiness and inadvertently, I let sadness take over. Take today, for example. There were so many good moments. So many. It started off with 111 and Ross's admiration of the positivity post-it project. Then speaking in front of everyone during 111, learnt a few tips on goal setting which I think will really help me, had a good lunch, met someone else who's crazy about Simple Plan too, had a ball making art at the CPCS open day, traded sarcasm with Peter, talked about TWW with a fellow TWW fan (difficult to find), played the bible quiz online with mama and I was positively reinforced today (apparently, if I were a guy, my friends would date me! I feel good (^^,). Too bad they like guys).

So, why am I sad? Why am I upset and demotivated?

Because I've been focusing on the few bad moments. I've been dwelling in the dark with my eyes closed and wondering why I can't see. I let those moments consume me. I let it regulate my mood. I have to remember not to let sadness win. It's about being filled with those beautiful moments. Moments that happen without effort. Those moments are what matters. Mind Over Mood.

So, I know now what's been bugging me. I just need to remember: It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win.

Yodalicious!

I am having fun at uni, no doubt. I met some really cool people. They're nice and friendly and we trade sarcasm regularly. So, all is good.

But, the assignments are worrying. I can do them, no problem (so far) but I lack the motivation. I do not know where it went! And so I'm slogging through even the simplest of assignments because I'm not excited about it. There has to be a solution to this.

I just haven't found it yet.

Right now, I have to start working on the Leader Report and the Argumentative essay. Both shouldn't be that hard to do and it really isn't; I'm just having some trouble finding the energy to do it. And then there are the group assignments. I'm meeting both my groups next week. Hope it goes well.

Oh! Guess what we did yesterday?

A few of us decided to spread some positivity around KPD yesterday. So we walked around with post-it notes of positivity and stuck in on to peoples cares, bikes and office doors! We wrote stuff on the post-its that we nice, funny, cute and encouraging. The general idea was to spread some love:)

I think we did ok:) We made a lot of people smile (some probably thought, 'Oh, those meddlesome kids!) and we're happy. We should do these things more often!

Anyway, I should really get started. Peace:)

The Selfish Little Happy Bubble

These past few days have been good. Well, they didn't start out as good but they ended well. Mum and I drove all around trying to get a manicure but almost every place was fully booked. One place told us to come back later but we were really frustrated by then so we just headed home.

We spent so much time just driving around for 3 days but accomplished nothing. We were really frustrated. I reached a point where I didn't want to do anything. We ended up sleeping the days away. Finally, today, our luck changed. We got ourselves manicures and pedicures! Now we know better; make appointments, don't just walk in. So, today was good.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Went shopping with Claudine. We didn't find what she was looking for but we had fun. It's nice to spend the day with Claudine. She's a smart one. Makes me feel like I should read some non-fiction, thought-provoking books just so I can be on her level.

Anyway, we had a bit of an adventure too. As we got out of the monorail, Claudine's glasses fell. So basically, we left the train but the glasses decided to stay. Anyway, the couple that were sitting next to us picked it up and was waving to us through the window. Two seconds later, the train left the station.

Claudine and I decided to head to the next station. We though, hopefully, that they would leave it at the counter. Though, we couldn't be sure which station they were getting out or if they would even give it back. Anyway, we headed there but no luck. So, on to the next station.

We asked the lady at the counter and she was nice enough to call the other stations to check if anyone had handed the glasses in under lost and found. She said we should check back at the station we first got off. We went back and amazingly, the glasses were there. The couple had probably gotten off at the next station and turned back so they could give us the glasses. That was really nice of them. To take time out of their day to do that. So, yesterday was a good day too.

Now, on to the personal segment.

I don't like it when people are always sad. Or always angry. I feel like, I'm happy and I do not want anything to dampen my happiness. And yes, that is very selfish of me.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with sadness. Some people are always sad. Bad things always happen to them and sometimes, they're just to hard on themselves and they stress themselves out too much. I'm a positive being and the whole aura of negativity really brings me down. I don't want that right now. So, when there's sadness near me, I just shut down and retreat into my little bubble.

I like being happy and carefree. I love being simple. I'm content. And I'm really happy that I'm feeling this way. Sometimes, I really get down on myself. I've been really sad for not reason. There have been times when I was just constantly sad or angry. I don't know if I was depressed. That seems a lot more serious but perhaps it was a mild form of depression. Anyway, I've been there. But now, I'm in my Happy phase and I want to stay here as long as I can. So, naturally, I try and stay away from the opposite.

I do want to be there for my friends when they need me but at times like these, I feel like I can't talk about the happy moments in my life because it seems more than a little insensitive. Like, I can see the look of, "Well, glad you had a good time, really. But I'm suffering. So, can we focus on the bad for a minute?". That's what it feels like and I don't want to be insensitive towards other people's sufferings. I mean, I want to inhibit the frame of mind you are in so I can offer some real empathy, you  know. Really be there for you in the way you need me too. But right now, I do not want to surround myself with that. I want to be able to have fun with people. I want to be able to talk and joke and make art and laugh.

So, today, this week, I chose to put myself first. I chose to stay in my own little world and avoid the sadness because I'm not ready to let it go.

It hurts me to see people who I really care about be constantly upset. I can't remember them being just happy and carefree. They're in there somewhere but nowhere to be found, not just yet. And I'm tired of it. And I feel really guilty about what I'm feeling, about putting myself first.

But this is it. This is what I'm doing. I need this now. I will not go back to that dark place. And that means I can't be there for people who are in their dark place and I hate it. But that's my choice and I will live with it, I have to.

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On another note, that has nothing to do with what's written above, I've always wondered what it's like to date an actor. Hmm....