The Selfish Little Happy Bubble

These past few days have been good. Well, they didn't start out as good but they ended well. Mum and I drove all around trying to get a manicure but almost every place was fully booked. One place told us to come back later but we were really frustrated by then so we just headed home.

We spent so much time just driving around for 3 days but accomplished nothing. We were really frustrated. I reached a point where I didn't want to do anything. We ended up sleeping the days away. Finally, today, our luck changed. We got ourselves manicures and pedicures! Now we know better; make appointments, don't just walk in. So, today was good.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Went shopping with Claudine. We didn't find what she was looking for but we had fun. It's nice to spend the day with Claudine. She's a smart one. Makes me feel like I should read some non-fiction, thought-provoking books just so I can be on her level.

Anyway, we had a bit of an adventure too. As we got out of the monorail, Claudine's glasses fell. So basically, we left the train but the glasses decided to stay. Anyway, the couple that were sitting next to us picked it up and was waving to us through the window. Two seconds later, the train left the station.

Claudine and I decided to head to the next station. We though, hopefully, that they would leave it at the counter. Though, we couldn't be sure which station they were getting out or if they would even give it back. Anyway, we headed there but no luck. So, on to the next station.

We asked the lady at the counter and she was nice enough to call the other stations to check if anyone had handed the glasses in under lost and found. She said we should check back at the station we first got off. We went back and amazingly, the glasses were there. The couple had probably gotten off at the next station and turned back so they could give us the glasses. That was really nice of them. To take time out of their day to do that. So, yesterday was a good day too.

Now, on to the personal segment.

I don't like it when people are always sad. Or always angry. I feel like, I'm happy and I do not want anything to dampen my happiness. And yes, that is very selfish of me.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with sadness. Some people are always sad. Bad things always happen to them and sometimes, they're just to hard on themselves and they stress themselves out too much. I'm a positive being and the whole aura of negativity really brings me down. I don't want that right now. So, when there's sadness near me, I just shut down and retreat into my little bubble.

I like being happy and carefree. I love being simple. I'm content. And I'm really happy that I'm feeling this way. Sometimes, I really get down on myself. I've been really sad for not reason. There have been times when I was just constantly sad or angry. I don't know if I was depressed. That seems a lot more serious but perhaps it was a mild form of depression. Anyway, I've been there. But now, I'm in my Happy phase and I want to stay here as long as I can. So, naturally, I try and stay away from the opposite.

I do want to be there for my friends when they need me but at times like these, I feel like I can't talk about the happy moments in my life because it seems more than a little insensitive. Like, I can see the look of, "Well, glad you had a good time, really. But I'm suffering. So, can we focus on the bad for a minute?". That's what it feels like and I don't want to be insensitive towards other people's sufferings. I mean, I want to inhibit the frame of mind you are in so I can offer some real empathy, you  know. Really be there for you in the way you need me too. But right now, I do not want to surround myself with that. I want to be able to have fun with people. I want to be able to talk and joke and make art and laugh.

So, today, this week, I chose to put myself first. I chose to stay in my own little world and avoid the sadness because I'm not ready to let it go.

It hurts me to see people who I really care about be constantly upset. I can't remember them being just happy and carefree. They're in there somewhere but nowhere to be found, not just yet. And I'm tired of it. And I feel really guilty about what I'm feeling, about putting myself first.

But this is it. This is what I'm doing. I need this now. I will not go back to that dark place. And that means I can't be there for people who are in their dark place and I hate it. But that's my choice and I will live with it, I have to.

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On another note, that has nothing to do with what's written above, I've always wondered what it's like to date an actor. Hmm....