Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.