Let Your Subconscious Speak!

Righto, time for another post.

I am happy today:)

I had a dream two nights ago and I feel really good about it because I think I understand myself a little more. Dreams, according to Freud, are the "royal road to the unconscious". The foundation of Freudian psychology is the unconscious mind and how we, humans, are driven to behave the way we do by our unconscious mind which is regulated by our conscious and subconscious minds. When we dream, our unconscious mind takes over and it incorporates things from our life, both conscious and subconscious. So Freud felt that analysing and interpreting dreams would be a good way to tap into your unconscious mind. 

I agree, somewhat cautiously, with Freud. When we're thinking about something a lot, we tend to dream about it. When we have a problem and we decide to 'sleep on it', our subconscious works to solve it and sometimes that process manifests itself in the form of dreams. We then wake up with this revelation, the sudden light bulb idea which isn't sudden at all because your brain has been working on it while you were asleep.

So this dream taught me a few invaluable lessons. There were subplots in my dream too but that's not important right now. 

Let's get to the point, shall we.

This dream I had involved things and people from my life as well as stranger elements like a big and clinically white room. I won't recount the dream here but the essence of it was this: I was presented with something I had always been afraid of and that something taught me to: 1. Not be afraid of it anymore because my reasons for being afraid of it were stupid, 2. what I want is not what I always thought I wanted, and 3. it then showed me what I actually do want. The details are irrelevant. 

This lesson came in the form of a person. This person showed me that what I always dreamt of having is not really what I want. All the amazing adventures and excitement, all the crazy fun and all the passion is not what I'm actually craving for. What I want is serenity, gentle love and calm reassurances. As much as I love the idea of a wild west blockbuster Parisian romance, what I really want is the complete opposite. What I want is my own Freddie Page without the drama and commitment issues.

All this time, I was misguided by my own head. I kept imagining incredible adventures with people I love and I've done that so often that I convinced myself it's what I want. I told myself that this is what I keep saying and thinking, therefore this is what I want.

I could not have been more wrong. And my brain decided to clear that up. Thank you, brain.

My subconscious took something I was afraid of (big, scary, too much to handle), put it in the form of a person and then proceeded to show me that I'm not actually afraid of big and scary; that I've been interpreting 'big' and 'scary' wrong all this time. Big and scary turned out to be the gentlest, kindest, most loving creature ever. And this creature then showed me that I wanted big in the form of gentle. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

I wrote the dream down because I want to remember it. The last line explains it perfectly: 

What I want is what he personified in my dream; the calm and comfort that love offers while being paradoxically imposing yet gentle.

I still think that's a bunch of the words swapped for synonyms based on what I wrote above but maybe it helps a little more with the understanding thing.

The whole point of this post is that I've discovered something about myself either by chance or by constant subconscious mulling. I don't know. Maybe both. Whichever it is, I know myself better and I'm better for it. This really made my day, or should I say 'days' since the dream was from two nights ago and I'm still cheery. 

I'm also caught up on my assignments so the only thing that's going to cause me stress is the Malaysian Studies trip but since there's no class tomorrow, I might even be in a great mood for that!

WOHOO!

Fulfill Your Own Prophecy, Why Don't You!

This week seems like it's going to be a relaxing one. The calm before the storm. I still have 3 group projects to complete but we're only really starting them all next week. So for now, I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do. I suppose I could study. And maybe watch more tv shows (I have quite a few to catch up on). OR, I could do what someone once told me to; make a list of things that I like to do and go do them.

I might attempt a little bit of everything. (Update: I did some chores and then watched half a season of Haven. Whooo!)

But first I want to talk about something.

(I'll be right back, the washing machine just beeped)

I'm back.

What I wanted to talk about is how everyday, we are faced with cruel reminders of things we cannot have. I'm not talking about an iPad or a BMW. When I say things, I mean love, peace, understanding from that one person who means the world to you. You cannot always have these things.

Sometimes, you come so close only to find out that you will only ever be able to see it, but never have it.

I feel like this sometimes. I think and rethink and overthink. I get sad and I get angry. And then I realise that I should use these reminders as motivators. The universe says I can't have that? Fine then. I'll get something else, just as good or maybe even much better.

Because there's no use moping around, being sad that I didn't get what I felt I needed. Moping will not solve any of my problems. It will not get me to where I want to go. So basically, turn that frown upside down. You attract what you believe in and practice. Essentially, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a line in my social psych textbook that I really like. It says, "To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike; if we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

Little nuggets if wisdom from psychology textbooks.

I really like that line. It taught me a lot about this uncomfortable dissonance I've been feeling about my faith. I need to make a choice and stick to it. I need to be what I want to be. And that works with everything else too. If I want peace, I have to embody peace, I have to give it and show it. The same goes for love.

So that is what I will try to do.

One last thing, I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from a friend. He said he thought of me when he read this quote from Emilie Autumn's book, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls:

"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why  you are in so much pain."

That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, as far as I can remember.

Hauntingly Beautiful People Who Ruin My Life.

Beautiful people. Beautiful people everywhere.

And the worst part is that they have no idea the effect they can have on us normal humans. They laugh with immaculate lips and smile with twinkling eyes. They awe us with intelligence and charm us with humour. They simply exist and we are powerless against their perfection. We can do naught but ogle.

WHY??

My day was littered with beautiful people. Everywhere I turned, I saw a gleaming smile or a heart meltingly beautiful facial structure. Soft, curly hair coupled with stunning eyes; high cheekbones on a slender body; hauntingly deep smile leading up to doe eyes.

Add to that all the talk about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hiddleston, Stiles (from teen wolf), Jensen Ackles, Tom Felton and Rupert Grint. Man, my day was littered with insecurity, inferiority, low self-esteem and a burning desire to go hide under a rock.

I cannot la. I just can't. Urgh.

It's safer to live in my own imagination. At least I won't have to worry about stupid ideas not coming to life. Because that's what happens. All it takes it one little crush on one little beautiful smile, a little attention paid to me and the ideas just flow like a waterfall. The endless streams of possibility that my over active imagination comes up with but which reality cannot deliver.

So yes, imagination nation is safer than reality in this case.

Urgh. Feelings. Emotions. I cannot la.

Yodalicious!

I am having fun at uni, no doubt. I met some really cool people. They're nice and friendly and we trade sarcasm regularly. So, all is good.

But, the assignments are worrying. I can do them, no problem (so far) but I lack the motivation. I do not know where it went! And so I'm slogging through even the simplest of assignments because I'm not excited about it. There has to be a solution to this.

I just haven't found it yet.

Right now, I have to start working on the Leader Report and the Argumentative essay. Both shouldn't be that hard to do and it really isn't; I'm just having some trouble finding the energy to do it. And then there are the group assignments. I'm meeting both my groups next week. Hope it goes well.

Oh! Guess what we did yesterday?

A few of us decided to spread some positivity around KPD yesterday. So we walked around with post-it notes of positivity and stuck in on to peoples cares, bikes and office doors! We wrote stuff on the post-its that we nice, funny, cute and encouraging. The general idea was to spread some love:)

I think we did ok:) We made a lot of people smile (some probably thought, 'Oh, those meddlesome kids!) and we're happy. We should do these things more often!

Anyway, I should really get started. Peace:)

Total Heartbreak.

I'm an idealistic person. I believe in good. I believe that it is possible to make this world a better place. I believe in the simplicity of love.

I live my whole life trying so hard to be compassionate, understanding. I try everyday to not be critical of other people but to be kind. I try to always give people my best listening ear and see things from their point of view. I try not to be mean. I'm constantly evaluating myself and how I treat people. I realise that I can be rude at times and I feel guilty but I do try not to do it again.

I'm a believer in love.

And so it was a real slap in the face for me today when I realised that my brother just doesn't care. All these things I stand for, all my principles, however idealistic they may be; he doesn't care for it one bit. He does not see why he has to be nice especially to strangers. For all I know, he probably thinks that I'm some silly little girl with unrealistic views and ideas about this wholly and irreversibly imperfect world.

With all I stand for, here he is, my own brother who just doesn't see it that way.

And it hurts. It hurts so completely. If my own brother doesn't see how important it is to be nice, then how is the world going to change one person at a time?

He doesn't see how much we all hurt in this world. It's inconsequential to him. Not to me. I see the hurt and I know how important one smile can be. How much one listener can help. It may sound cliché to you but it's really not. Niceness is underrated. Too underrated.

I'm going to sleep today with a hole in my heart because I just found my first unchangeable.

This whole thing is so important to me. So important that it physically hurts. And I've tried but there's nothing I can do about it.

I still have my love, my principles and my ideals. I'm not stopping. I'll change the world myself if I have to. I'll just do it without my brother.

Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.

European Moustache and Chameleon.

Hello! It's been a while since my last post. Which means, lots of updates in this one!!

First up, I just got Simple Plan's A Big Package For You DVD!! AHHH! Thanks mama for buying it and thanks to Jennia for carrying down for me!:) After being a fan for 7 years, I can finally say that I have ALL of Simple Plan's CDs. Nad and I are going to watch it soon, before Europe!

Speaking of Europe, it's only 10 days away. I've finally started helping mama with the train schedules and boy, lemme tell you, it is Confusing with a capital C (just in case you didn't notice that I capitalised the 'C'). We're taking the Eurorail Global Pass which makes sense because we can use the National Trains for free and we get discounts on train rides, bus rides ad even boat rides.

We're trying to come up with a plan. Just a rough estimate of which trains we're going to take to get to the different countries. It's going well but its a lot of work. Honestly, my dreams these past few days have been plagued with Departure and Arrival times! Also, the Trenitalia website keeps haunting me!

I tweeted about this and @Eurail.com actually replied! Haha!:) That was definitely a fun part of today.

Anyway, I'm almost done figuring this out and I think we'll be ok. We'll spend a lot of time in trains but the view will be good and besides, I'm pretty sure the journey will be interesting. I plan on adding the famous Malaysian prefix, 'Lah', at the end of every sentence. Just to flaunt my Malaysianism in all the European people's faces :P

I'm taking my 'Jati Diri' and Patriotism with me all the way there! (even if I'm not 100% sure of the political, economical or social ongoings here)

Anyway, packing will have to start soon, next week, for sure. I hope we take just the right amount of stuff. We don't wanna over pack (like women are wont to do. Or maybe it's just me). Also, we need to make sure that we have enough space in our luggage and spare weight for the trip back. Don't want to be leaving any souvenirs behind. I have a list of things to buy and I shall have them all! Muahahhaaha! >.<

I'm going to bring my notebook along with me for the ride. I want to make sure I record every bit of awesomeness! Maybe get a flower from each country to press in between the pages of my book. Just for keep sake.

I'm also trying to figure out what would be a good, small souvenir for myself. I want something from each country. Like maybe a badge or.. I don't know, earrings? OH OH! I also want to make sure I find a moustache ring! If I do find it, I shall get one for myself and one for someone else who I know really wants one. Maybe, only if I get it, I'll mail it to her (once I get back la), just to surprise her:)

Alrighty, moving on. Erm, wait.. I lost my train of thought. Hmm.... Here's something to look at while I catch up with that train:

Got it all from THIS blog.

Now, back to what I was going to say. I'm learning to speak Hindi form the Pakistani bartender at work. He's a good teacher. So far, I can tell people my name, where I live, ask about them, and even how to say , "The water is boiling" and "The water is still boiling!". :) If I keep at it, I will be able to speak Hindi! (Now, please feel free so say whatever you want about me learning Hindi when I don't even know how to speak Tamil). Funnily enough, while learning Hindi, I started to think in Tamil. Like WTH! :P

Now, to the serious stuff. What happens when you really like talking to someone, but that's just it? It's the conversations that you like. The person is ok too but you don't like him enough to want to be in a relationship with him. Do you still talk to him or do you stay away? I mean, talking to him keeps the friendship but then you don't want to mislead him. And staying away is basically running. So, what do you do?

I have no idea. Seriously. It's not that I don't like him. I just don't like him enough. We talk a lot but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I've already said no, twice, and I'm glad that it didn't ruin the friendship but sometimes I get the feeling that he's still trying. I mean, good on you for not giving up la, but don't expect me to change my feelings because I standby my response. I just don't feel about him the same way that he feels about me.

I think all this is really stupid. Why can't the guy I like, like me back? Why is it that in my entire 7, 365 days of being alive, the only 3 guys who've ever straight out said that they like me turn out to be guys I never really thought of in the same way? Why oh why?

But I'm also optimistic. I will find my guy one day, of that I'm sure. I don't know how or why, but I am definitely sure. And if all else fails, the Disney Princess in me plans on falling in love in Europe.

:)

Oh, and about the title of this post; I really do want a pet chameleon someday. They're so adorable! I've always liked chameleons and once I saw Paschal in Rapunzel: A Tangled Tale, my love for them has grown! :)

Allan Waters Humanitarian Award

At the Juno Awards (music awards in Canada), there is one special award given out to 'recognise outstanding Canadian artists whose humanitarian contributions have positively enhanced the social fabric of Canada'. This is called the Allan Waters Humanitarian Award.

And guess what? The award this year goes to the boys of SIMPLE PLAN!

I'm so proud of them! Their efforts and the work by the foundation, The Simple Plan Foundation, are being recognised. I just wanted to get this out there. This is just amazing. To know that, firstly, they still keep the foundation going strong and that their effort is being honoured, it's huge!

I'm so proud of them!

They've donated more than $750,000 to various youth-focused charities since December of '05 both in Canada and around the world and after their most recent benefit concert with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra, they've now donated up to one million!

Each year, they make more than 20 donations. They've help organisations such as War Child Canada, Kids Help Phone, The Lighthouse - Children and Families, St. Justine hospital and tons more. For every concert ticket sold on every tour this year, $1 goes to the foundation. Also, every new SP Crew fan club membership will also make the same donation.

Isn't this great? The guys are too humble to brag, so I'm gladly doing it for them. Honestly, I'm just so proud of them (I think I already said that). They've done so much for people. Their love for their fans is just amazing. They started the foundation after hearing all the stories from their fans about how difficult things get for them. They wanted to help and so they are.

They truly deserve this award. I know for sure that they'll keep going. This is just the beginning. And I'm glad to say, thought it's not much, I donated $2 to the foundation. One day, I hope I can do more.

Congratulations guys, you're awesome.
Stop dreaming, start playing!

These men, these men...

Brothers.

I wanted to get this down while it's still fresh!

Dillon Li Fernandez is the most adorable little boy I have ever met! I'm so happy that he's my brother! Thanks for that, dad!

We went there for CNY dinner tonight. At first he was kind of shy. No wonder, since we saw him about a month ago. He was being all shy and blushing a lot. He knew us, of course, but he had his drama to put on while warming up to us.

Dinner was nice. The food was good and we had a good time. Dillon was the man of the hour for sure. He's a pretty nice kid. He listens to you when you tell him something and he's not overly dramatic. But then he is also a little bit of a spoilt brat. I guess that's a given when you're the only child.

Anyway, the best part of the night will always be the end. We were leaving and Dillon wanted to come with us. The great thing is, when I carried him out the door, it wasn't his mummy or daddy that he asked for. He wanted his slipper! Haha! He just kept saying, 'Slipper, must take slipper' in his cute little baby boy voice. What a child!

So, the plan was that I'd carry him to the elevator and he'd cry for his mum and dad but that didn't happen! He just came with us and we went all the way down. He wasn't worried about where his parents were at all. He just kept asking for his koko (brother) and che che (sister, me!). He wanted to keep us in sight. When we reached the bottom, our father called and asked to send him back up.

The little tyke just can't say goodbye. He hates it! Even when his Godfather was leaving, he refused to say goodbye. I think he knows that it'll be quite a while till he sees us again.

So, when I sent him back up, he just kept asking for his koko and che che to stay.He was so adorable! OMG!!!

At this point, my mind went to what Stephanie Meyers wrote in Breaking Dawn when Bella had her child. "There was no division – my love was not split between them now; it wasn't like that. It was more like my heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment." That's exactly how I feel. I just have more love to give.

I love Dillon so much! Yes, I do get a little awkward with him in the beginning (I've never been good with little children) but he always manages to melt my heart. When the three of us brothers and sister were standing together, everything just felt so right. So surreal, but so right. Sometimes I think of Dillon as if he could be my own child (silly..?) and then there are times when I think, "Man, I can't wait for the sibling bonding sessions we'll have when he's a teenager!".

Of all the things I hate my father for, this definitely isn't one of them. Dillon Li Fernandez is the best gift (other than my life, my brother and Aunty Doreen) that my father has ever given me. For these, I'm truly grateful.

Also, he doesn't know who Simple Plan is, so that's a strike against him. :)

ASTRONAUTS LOVE SIMPLE PLAN!

I met Simple Plan last night! It was a surreal experience! All this while, they've been there for me in song, in posters, in their tweets and videos; they were there but so far away that they seemed almost unreal. But last night, I experienced them live. Now I know for sure that THEY ARE REAL!!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I entered the venue for the sound-check party. They were on stage! They played two songs for us; old school stuff. So old school, in fact, that Pierre forgot the lyrics on the second song :)

I was just drinking it all in. After the two songs, the boys had us stand against the railing in one line so that they could see everyone! Everyone got to meet them!! I saw them, talked to them, got their autographs, took pictures with them and I EVEN GOT TO HUG CHUCK!

That was the most awesome night of my life!! After last night, everything else seems so flat! My heart is still pumping from the experience. I wish it could have lasted longer. I want more!

David threw his guitar pick my way about 3 times! I didn't get any but my glasses fell off twice in the rush to grab the pick. At the end of the show, Seb came to our side of the stage and threw his last pick into the crowd. It flew right over my head and Nadiah managed to snag it!

The energy throughout the entire show was electrifying. Seb's dance moves were epic and David was so crazy! Jeff rocked it on the guitar, especially during the Summer Paradise solo. Chuck was sweating barely 5 minutes into the show! And Pierre, everyone was going gaga over him!

We stood right in front, squashed against the railings. We were SO CLOSE! Seb even looked right at me at one point! He pointed at me! (I'm pretty sure he did. It was me he was looking at!) I hope they come back again! I asked Pierre if they were going to come back soon and he said that they would, next week! Haha:) If only that were true!

The boys were so nice! All of them were. Seb was so sweet and polite. He could see how nervous we were so he made sure he signed everything and that we got a picture with him. Jeff was awesome! He moved in the first picture so he asked that we take another one. I mean, who would care that much? Jeff would! Pierre let me take a picture of his tattoo and David was kind of quite but he was flirting a lot with some of the girls. And Chuck, oh Chuck. He was so good to us. He told the security people to make sure we (the fans in the meet and greet) didn't get sent to the back of the line. So they put us right in front. Thanks to Chuck, we got the best seats in the house!

Anyway, here are some pictures:

PIERRE!!!!

OMG! So close to SEBASTIEN!!

CHUCK hugged me!

I could see JEFF's lip ring so clearly! 

That's DAVID!!

Last night wasn't a crazy night just in K.L Live but on Twitter too! Astronauts (Simple Plan fans) all over the world joined forces and managed to get each band member to trend worldwide! It started off with Pierre, then Chuck, followed by David Jeff and Seb. Also, we managed to get "Astronauts Love Simple Plan" and "Simple Plan Saved My Life" trending world wide too! All in all, there were 15 different topics on Simple Plan trending worldwide on Twitter. The power of Simple Plan fans!

In Malaysia, all the band members trended at the same time! AHHH!

I had a blast! I'm so glad I had the chance to see them live and meet them and take pictures with them too. It was a dream come true. Thank You Lord! And Mama and Bro too :)

ASTRONAUTS LOVE SIMPLE PLAN!

Swoon Worthy!

Hi again:) This is a 'musings' post.

First up, I want to talk about a guy. I met this guy while I was at work today (just a one-day work thing). He was about my height, had short hair but not like spiky short - more like Bieber-ish (I really couldn't find another word to describe it!). So anyway, it was as long as how Bieber used to have his hair, he also had this knitted hat, wore skinny jeans and a ring or two. 

This guy had a very vibrant aura about him. He smiled happily and in a breezy, care free way. He was so friendly! And his voice was... I really don't know how to describe it. To me, it was like hearing Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam singer). Not the same tone or sound but the feeling I get when I hear it. It's like I'm suddenly calm and I can just close my eyes and listen to it all day. It was soothing and at the same time, I felt like I was in a cocoon and his voice just wrapped around me. 

That sounded so cliché and/or weird but that's what it was like. This guys is probably... no definitely, the best looking guy I've seen with my own two eyes. I think it's not only his looks but also his sense of style, the way he walks and his aura. It all tied in to become this one, amazingly 'wow' guy. He definitely goes on the top of my list of hottest/most charming/best looking guys (if I actually had one)

I thought Orlando Bloom was great. Well, I'd pick this guy over Mr.Bloom at any time of any day. 

:)

Now, the next musing spawns from this post that I found on Tumblr:

It's funny, how when someone says they love you, and you can't really feel it, but when they say they don't love you anymore, you can feel every ounce of what was drain out of your entire being.

I've never thought about it but now that I have, I find this quote to be very accurate. We say 'I Love You' so often and it's good that we do because it helps us realise that there is love in the world, and that we are loved.

The thing is, we sometimes don't appreciate it enough. Sure, we hear someone say that they love us and we feel loved. What we don't feel is inexplicable gratitude and relief and love. We feel all that but not in the amounts that we should.

We become quite used to love that we don't truly appreciate its presence. Am I making any sense?

The quote really explains it all. When we hear that someone who once loved us (whether deeply or simply) doesn't any more, we suddenly feel the pain. It's like we had this piece of flesh on our body, so perfectly blended into our entire self that we don't realise it there. Then, when it's ripped from us, we feel the pain, the void of what was once there. 

Some people say that "I Love You" has been used too much till it has lost its power. At one point, I believed it. But now, I think we haven't used it enough that we've forgotten its true meaning and the immense effect it can have.

Tell people you love them because love can never be over rated, and cherish the love you get because love is too painful to lose.


P.S: If you are a regular reader here (and even if you are not), you should know that I published this right after I published the previous post. So chances are, you haven't read the previous post yet. Just sayin'. Keep scrolling!

Where Is My Only Exception?

I love who I am. I have certain issues that need to be worked out but I really do like the person I am. I just wonder if other people do?

I have friends. They like me. But is there someone out there who really likes me? I mean really, really likes me. Sometimes I just feel like that's what I want. I want that one person who really, really likes me. 

There is a song by Paramore, The Only Exception, that says, "I swore to myself that I was content with loneliness." Is that me? I don't actually feel lonely at all. Not always. Most times I'm content because I have people around me whom I love. I have hobbies and other things going for me. However, there are times when I just feel like I want that one person I can talk to at 3 in the morning. Someone I can go out with, hold hands with, and just kiss him because I can. 

I've never been lucky in that department. I've never had a relationship. Anyone I have/had a crush on either treats me like a sister/kid or is either in or ended up in a relationship with someone else. It's like I have no chance at all. Why is that?

This post is floating around on Facebook 'from guys to girls'. I'm just quoting an extract. 

"find someone who will treat you with utter respect.

Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say 'i love you' ..and actually mean it.

Give the nice guys a chance."

That's really all I want.

I'm not so naive and I know that for a relationship to reach that level, it has to start somewhere. Problem is, I haven't even found that starting point. 

It seems to me that all almost all the nice guys are taken, some are gay and the rest aren't interested. How bout giving the weird girl a chance for a change?

I'm not beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I'm not completely sociable but I'm not socially inept either. I can be fun. I'm shy, I'm no genius, and I have a weird sense of style. I'm not your model type, trendy, fashionable and outgoing young lady. I'm different and I'm proud of who I am. 

Is that why it's hard? Because I'm not 'normal' and most guys don't go for 'not normal'? I don't know. All I know is that I have faith. He's out there somewhere. My starter, my future husband. Maybe they're the same people, maybe they aren't. But they're out there and I will never stop searching. 

I do feel kinda defeated right now, however.

Of Holy Orders....

My mind was wandering while driving (that's a little dangerous) and I started thinking about the priesthood. Well, priests. to be exact.

Priest take three vows right? At least, Catholic Priests take vows of chastity, poverty and obedience. I knew this even when I was younger but I never really fully understood what it meant. When I saw a priest as a child, I knew that he had taken these vows but to me it was like signing a job contract. The only difference was that this was permanent.

But of course, I know now that the permanence makes all the difference in the world. When I was young, a lifetime of chastity and poverty wasn't such a big deal. Obedience was harder to accept. All in all, though, being a priest really didn't seem that hard. Except maybe the singing and praying all the time.

I know better now.

While driving here, I was thinking about all the things I have and all that I still want. I told myself that I shouldn't be materialistic but also that it was ok to want something once in a while. There's nothing wrong with that, I said (and still believe). But don't forget about people who don't have anything. They are not as blessed as I am. That has to be hard. On the other hand, what about those who can have everything and anything but CHOOSE not to? That's definitely tougher.

Why would you choose to be poor forever? Why would you choose to be single your whole life? And why on Earth would you want to be told what to do all the time, even if it is God who's doing all the telling? I really didn't understand. But now it hits me, it's not about those things. It's about love. Love for God, love for the world. It's all about love.

You see, a priest dedicates his life to doing God's work. To be able to commit to that completely, he has to take these vows. And, hard as it may seem, it's actually not impossible. It just takes a whole lot of discipline, commitment and responsibility. You're doing God's work in the world. It's not an easy task. But look on the bright side, God is always there to help you as long as you ask.

I get it now. Being a priest, committing yourself to a lifetime of serving God, is not a choice that can be made overnight. It takes thought and a real strong love for God. (Not that your love for God isn't as strong if you aren't a priest). It's like committing to a marriage. Not the modern marriage where you can get a divorce in 72 days just because you and your spouse can't decide where to live. No, I'm talking about the traditional marriage where you marry your true love and you work through whatever hurdles. You stay together for life and you wait for each other in death, to be reunited again. That's what priesthood is.

I salute the men who made this decision. They've chosen a path that is difficult and they make it easier with God's help. They prove to everyone in the world that God is not impossible. Hey, they can pray all the time, deal with a myriad of people, do charity work and preach all at the same time for they entire lives. So it shouldn't be so hard for us to take some time of to pray once a day at least. :)

C'EST OFFICIEL!

It's official! Mum bought the ticket to the Simple Plan concert!!

I am going! I'm really going! I can't believe it! We bought it online so I'll have to wait for it to come to me via courier. AHHH! :)

The title is in French because the guys are French-Canadian. I just felt that I needed to use French:)

I'm stoked! Now I'm not anxious any more about Rockzone tickets being sold out. I have my own! :)

Much love to my brother and mother! They are the best mother and brother ever!!!

J'aime ma mère
J'aime mon frère
J'aime Simple Plan
Je suis de fille heureuse

I'm on the top of the world!!

Major Countdowns!

Right now, I'm counting down to 3 different events.

First up, STPM. That is only 2 days away! I'm not exactly panicking but I do worry a little. I hope I can remember everything I've studied. I hope I can answer the questions well. And, most of all, I hope that I don't lose touch with my friends; because STPM also means the end of my secondary school life. This is it, finally. I'm and done (almost)!

I really like my friends and I hope we still keep in touch with each other. It's not easy, after all, finding people that don't necessarily annoy me. So, we'll definitely meet up once in a while. Not the whole class, for sure. But I am sure about one or two of them. I love La Salle!

Up next is the END of STPM! Yes, that is a countdown too because it means I can finally forget about school and uniforms. I can start thinking abut Christmas! Actually, I'll be thinking about Christmas way before that date but this means I can focus entirely on one thing :) What to get for people, what people are going to get for me. It's a great guessing game.

Of course, and I don't mean to brag, but I'm an easy person to get gifts for. I have a few loves and if I receive anything that has to do with those loves, I'll be happy! But you know, I can be a little irksome sometimes. I don't want much but what I do want might cost a bit. But of course, not everything I want is about material stuff la. I don't mind if I don't get anything because I can earn my own money and get what I want for myself. So, all is well and jolly!

Now comes the greatest (next to the birth of Christ) countdown ever! SIMPLE PLAN's GET YOUR HEART ON TOUR! :) They are coming to Malaysia on the 14th of January and I WILL be there! I cannot express how much I want to see them live. I might even get a chance to meet them, talk to them, or get a hug, maybe? Who knows... anything can happen! Simple Plan is awesome! The only band I really go crazy for and after all these years, I still love them! 

I need to get myself their fourth (latest) album. I want to get it before their concert so I can sing along to all their songs. They sing amazing songs that I can relate to (most people can relate to it too). When they sing, it's as if they're singing for me. I'm sure all other SP fans feel the same and it's great because we're like one big family, all united in our love for Simple Plan :) 

Whenever I go through a moment, be it a happy one or a tough one, I can always find an SP song to fit. Always. They're always there for me and when they come, I want them to know that we all really love them! (and who knows, they might come more often). I know that they always find time to interact with their fans and I really, really hope and pray that they do the same here. It's not everyday you get to meet your guardian angels. 

They're human, just like me and you. The only difference is that they have billions of friends all over the world. They are there for me just as much as my best friend or my mother is. And so, that's why I call them my guardian angels:)

I LOVE SIMPLE PLAN! :)

Now that I got that out of my system (though I think most of it is still in my system), I'm off to eat! :) I love food too!!

My Platform 9 and 3/4

Warning, this post is for Harry Potter Fans (or people who don't really care).

If you are a Twilight Fan, please proceed to the italicised paragraph located at the end of this post.

If you are not a Twilight fan, nor a Harry Potter fan, I suggest you cease reading.

I've been reliving Harry Potter these past few days. No surprise there since I'm currently re-reading the entire collection. People have asked me, "Kath, how many times have you read those books? Don't they bore you already?" My answer to that, "No." Never. And I don't think they ever will.

J.K Rowling created a whole new world. A place of magic and wonder, somewhere we all wish we could go. The details are so in depth that I can find myself easily getting lost in it. I'd be very happy when someone asks me to explain what 'Hallows' were or why Harry didn't die in the forest when Voldemort used the Avada Kedavra curse on him. I'll be in my element! Explaining every little detail about the 'who', 'what', and 'why' to any one who is listening. Like a Boss!

It's really sad that the movies have finally ended. The actors have all become to intertwined with the books and their characters, it feels like we're saying good bye, not just to the on-screen characters, but to the original book versions too. I'm a visual reader. When I read the words in a book, I imagine the setting - the scene, the characters - in my head. It's how I immerse myself. Well, when I read Harry Potter, I see Emma Watson as Hermione, Rupert Grint as Ron, Daniel Radcliffe as Harry, James and Oliver Phelps as Fred and George. They are the characters in the books as much as they are the ones on screen.

The end, the last movie, the last book; it feels very lead-like. As if there's something weighing down my heart. I know it sounds quite weird, me talking like this about fictional characters from a world that doesn't exist, but they were a huge part of my teenage life. Hogwarts was my home.

In fact, I'd say it still is. Even though the movies are at an end and everyone has said goodbye, but I still have the books. I can still dive into the wider wizarding world any time I want. The Ministry of Magic and Hogsmeade, the Knight Bus and Buckbeak; they're all still there, just waiting for me to come. So, it's not a complete separation. Of course, I'll be left with my own imagination about what happens next, but that's OK though. J.K Rowling has set up a great foundation, explained wizarding laws and histories, theories and wonders and creatures of all kinds. I feel well armed with knowledge to continue on this journey by myself.

I'm going to miss them. The last movie was out a few months ago, but I still have not let go. I don't want to. I'm going to keep reading Harry Potter, over and over again. I'm going to keep my connection to magic still as strong as when I first laid eyes on it. I will not relinquish this one, most amazing world I've been presented with.

No other book or fictional world has quite latched on to me (more like I've latched on to it) like this has; much like a that leech in Terra Nova, sucking the blood from the hyperoxic thief, greatly relishing the high levels on oxygen in his blood. Whenever I get bored of my reality, or if I find I need just a little relief, I will delve into the magic once more. As Emma says, it's escapism. My Platform 9 and 3/4 away from my reality of most Dursley-ish proportions.

I love Harry Potter and anything to do with it. And I'm all for supporting all the actors who worked in the movies in whatever they venture into. Also, J.K Rowling is seriously one madly talented woman. Honestly, she never has to write another book again. She will be up there on the wall of fame with the likes of Muhammad Ali and Micheal Jackson. She shaped a generation, my generation, and I'm thoroughly grateful for it.

I would like to end this post with something really witty that I found on Tumblr, especially to all the people out there who insist that Twilight is better than Harry Potter (I think someone might have slipped you a Befuddling Draught in your morning pumpkin juice):

Deαr Twilight, Our Chαrlie works with drαgons - yours is α bαd pαrent. Our Bella was a psychotic fighter - yours couldnt fight her way out of a paper bag. Our James was a Marauder - Yours was a creepy guy. Our Alice still loves her son even though she lost her mind - yours is an irritating, overly preppy child. Our Blacks are a complicated family warring between themselves over the rights of good and evil - yours are two idiots who think they know everything. Our Robert Pαttinson is good, loyαl, mαn who got murdered by Voldemort - yours spαrkled in the sun. Our werewolf died trying to creαte α better world for his son to live in - yours fought over α girl who wαs αlreαdy tαken. Sincerely, The people who wαnt you to stop steαling our nαmes.


No real offence intended :)

Maybe I should get an owl?

I Am Sam

I am Sam is a movie about a developmentally challenged father raising his 7 year old daughter. Sam Dawson (Sean Penn) had the mental capacity of a 7 year old and he has been raising his daughter, Lucy (Dakota Fanning) all on his own. Sam is a nice guy who tries very hard and learns. He has a huge capacity for love. You cry, he hugs you. Lucy is small and bright and full of love. No matter how terrible it seemed, she always loves her father and she didn’t want anyone else.

One day, Sam was approached by a prostitute and because he didn’t know better, Sam almost went with her. A policeman saw them and took Sam to the police station. They knew it wasn’t his fault, so they let him go. However, there was a Social Services officer at the station. After seeing Sam, she thought something should be done because he seemed incapable of raising a child.

On the day of Lucy’s 7^th birthday, Sam decided to throw a surprise party for her. Sadly, the officer came to took her away. There was some drama. The judge then ruled that Sam gets visiting rights, twice a week.

Sam, then, found himself a lawyer who drove herself into a corner and had no choice but to work for him pro bono. They try to come up with a witness list that can help Sam out. These witnesses included Sam’s best friends who are similarly challenged and some other people that can help.

All the while, Lucy was placed under foster care. She didn’t like it at all, obviously. Sam and his lawyer, they tried so hard. All he wanted was to give her love. He just wanted his child and she wanted her father. This whole movie is very raw and basic. It’s about love and friendship. That’s it, nothing else. It’s not clouded with anything else.

There is one part when the opposition attorney, Mr. Turner (Richard Schiff who played Toby in The West Wing [mama will appreciate that]) asked Sam if he thinks he can raise Lucy. Sam quoted a Beatles song; Paul McCartney wrote the first verse and handed it over to John Lennon to write the rest. Lennon wrote, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” That’s what you need, Sam said. That’s what you need.

Also, Mr. Turner asked Sam if he could provide Lucy with everything she needs as she grows up. Sam said no, he couldn’t give Lucy everything. He wants to but can’t. It’s important that I mention now just how stressed Sam was feeling by this time. He was being bombarded with questions from this almost hostile lawyer and Sam felt overwhelmed. He was afraid and overwhelmed.

I think Mr. Turner was trying to prove that Sam, who had the capacity of a 7 year old, was incapable of raising a child. He was trying to prove that she could get everything she needed, somewhere else.

Here’s what I think: Sam was right. He cannot give Lucy everything she needs. But then again, no one can. No one can give their child the best school, the best toys, the best food the best care and the best everything else, all at the same time. It’s impossible. Every parent wants that for their child but they just can’t do it. They can try but it’s unlikely that they can give everything. And Sam is just like every other parent, in that aspect. Are you telling me you’re going to drag all the other families to court too on these ground?

Anyway, Sam reached a point where he almost gave up. Lucy seemed ok with her foster family and he felt hopeless. But his lawyer, Rita Williams (Michele Pfieffer) got his hopes up. She helped him get a job he can enjoy (dog walker). Things started to look fine, until the foster family decided to try and adopt Lucy.

Sam decided to move closer to Lucy because he missed her and also taking the bus really wasted a lot of time. So, he bought an apartment nearby. Lucy found out about this while selling Girl Scout Cookies in the neighbourhood and started sneaking out of her room. She would walk to her father’s apartment. Sam, surprised as he was, didn’t keep her. He didn’t let her stay there nor did he take her away some place far. Instead, he took her back to her foster family. This became some sort of a routine until the family decided to fix bars on Lucy’s windows (nice ones).

Her foster mother told her that she only had to ask if she wanted to see her father. Any time, any day, she could see her father. They would take her.

The foster family wanted to prove to the court that they could provide her with the kind of love that she has never had before. They change their minds, however, when they see just how much Lucy and Sam love each other. They see just how much they need each other to survive. Lucy already has that kind of love and nothing can replace it.

This movie didn’t exactly get very great reviews but I think it’s a great movie. Yes, it’s kind of sappy and predictable but it’s a happy ending that we all want to see. Also, some people say this movie is  "Undone by its best intentions, I Am Sam is an especially insipid example of the Hollywood message movie.” I think it is, but I also think that there’s nothing wrong with that. I love message movies. They’re great.

I cried so much during this movie. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I watched ‘I’m Not Stupid 2’ and ‘Pay It Forward’. But this time, this time I actually cried. By cried, I mean sobs: real sobs and tears and heaving of breath. I was a mess!

This movie, the actors and the ‘predictable’ storyline was all well choreographed. I loved it. I cried throughout almost the entire movie. The entire movie!

Scenes I cried at the most:

• Sam was reading a book to Lucy, something her teacher gave her. He was having difficulty with some words. Lucy ended up saying she didn’t want to listen to that story and asked Sam to read his favourite book instead, Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss

• Sam learns that Lucy is holding herself back in school because she doesn’t want to be intellectually superior to her father. He gets her to read that hard book. She stops at the word ‘difficult’ (the same word he has trouble with) and pretended not to know it. He then said to her, “I’m your father and I'm telling you to read the word.” He knew he had to push her and eventually, she read it to him. “I like to hear you read. It's makes me happy to hear you read.”

• In the cafeteria, Sam wanted to pay for lunch. His lawyer tried to say no. She said he didn’t have to. She said he didn’t have to pay for lunch just to seem more grown up. He became understandably upset. He told her that she thought they thought (they being the Child and Family Services). She tried to say that what she thought didn’t matter in court but Sam said it mattered to him

• Sam and Lucy in the bus. Lucy conned the social service officer and her father too. She took him on a bus ride and they stayed on the bus and then got down at a park far away. Just the two of them.

• When Sam took the stand.

• When Sam had given up. He stayed in his old apartment, making origami. Rita shows up and tires to talk to him. Sam says that she doesn’t know what it’s like to keep trying and trying and trying and never get there. She was born perfect but he was born like that. People like her didn’t know what it’s like to be hurt. Boy, did she give him a wake up call. She said he wasn’t the only one. People like her feel lost and small and ugly and dispensable. People like her have a son who hates her (not really la, just not a good relationship). She cried and he hugged her.

• When Sam and Lucy were hugging and the officers had to pull them apart.

Sean Penn played his part very well and so did the young Dakota Fanning. She received many awards for her role in this movie. This movie was great. I would watch it again and again.

p.s: I actually wrote this out on Microsoft Word. A whole different thing. But my computer decided to restart itself without my permission just before I clicked the save button. Also, the Autorecovery thing doesn't seem to be working. So, I had to rewrite this from scratch. I don't like this version as much as I liked the first. Sadly, I can't get it back. This will have to do. It was hard to rewrite this, especially when my head was throbbing with anger. Seriously, I just want to stab this PC. I'm trying to concentrate here, HELLO!

:)

A Car Is Like A Dog

Sometimes it's easy. I just slip into the driver's seat, turn the key and ease my way on. Everything works to my touch. The gear, the steering wheel, even the power windows. They're all compliant, fight-less, trusting. I can go anywhere. My wish is its command. I glide on smoothly - as smoothe as I can on a road plastered with pot holes. I feel like I'm in control, because I am.

And then there are times when this timid creature decides to play the raging beast. It fights me every step of the way. My every touch is no longer what it was. It's, now, always too.. something. Either too much or too little. I'm too hard on the brakes, too light on the oil, too abrupt on the wheel. Every turn I take is rough and every straight road journey I venture on is brimming with the inefficiency of the use of brakes, signal lights and gears, no matter how much effort I put into not wasting the 700 ringgit and countless hours spent at the driving school. It's like the I'm being told that I'm not worthy of it. Not worthy to control this astounding and most useful piece of invention.

Cars are temperamental machineries. They require a lot of care and attention. Regular servicing is what keeps it in tune; but that's not enough. You need to love you car. It's like a dog. It can feel when you're nervous or angry. And so, it doesn't always respond the way you want it too. Here's where we go wrong: it's not the car's fault, it's the driver's. When you don't give your car just the right amount of push, one way or another, you'll end up with a reputation of terrible driving.

Anyway, love your car!

Paper and Ink

It's been a while, a long while since I've managed to disappear into another world. These past few months have been, at the most, entertaining. Exciting, not thrilling. Tasteful, not mouth-watering. Indulgent, not overwhelmingly good. I can't tell if it's just me or the books. I could not, no matter how hard I tried, escape into the world beyond the pages. Paper and ink remained merely paper and ink. The words didn't jump out, they didn't dance in my mind forming beautiful faces and scenes as they once did. They remained still and lifeless; just words being read, nothing more. I thought I had lost it. No, what a silly notion. No one just loses their love of reading. That's not how it works. Right? It does seem that way, though. 

Hmm, I shouldn't dwell on the past. I'm back now; or at least, my love is back. I found it, locked way back in my mind (or heart, those two go hand in hand, yes? Topic for another time). This book, it was the key. The key I've been searching for. It fits perfectly into the keyhole of that wretched chest in my mind (or heart) that stowed away my love for books. It is a young love, lots to develop and learn, but a love nonetheless. A love which I am glad to have back. I can now see the world beyond the paper, beyond the ink, the world of imagination where anything is possible. It's open to me as if nothing stood in my way. All I need to do is read a few words and I'm thrust back into the world of wonders. Everything comes to me clearly now. Pictures form in my mind as clearly as if I see them in real life. Sight and sound and even smell  are no longer forced but flow willingly out of the pages into my mind. I'm free. Inkheart did the trick. 

Now, I'm itching to read Inkspell (the second book in the Inkworld Trilogy). Tomorrow, I shall once again board the train of words that will surely take me into another 600 pages of wonder and excitement. Irony and humour, love and hate, classic good versus evil will dominate my mind. Hopefully I do not end it too fast. The finale, Inkdeath, is a good 7-10 working days away from my grasp. Imagine, finishing Inkspell fast and having to wait a whole day (or two or three) for Inkdeath. I'd go mad! Cornelia Funke has managed to capture me with her words. I love writers who love adjectives. They help me mould the characters in my mind, the setting and even they way everyone sounds. I've missed that ever since reading my first novel, HP6 by JKR. No one had yet managed to capture me quite like Ms. JKR (Dan Brown comes close though) but Ms. Cornelia Funke has done a pretty darn good job. I can't wait to see what happens in Inkspell; what adventures await Meggie and Farid, what becomes of Dustfinger and that little marten Gwin and what of Resa and Mo? 

Just Keep Spinning, Spinning, Spinning..

I posted this of FB: "The world doesn't stop spinning for anyone". That's was my point of view at the time I posted it. Here's what someone commented: "But the world is spinning for everyone". Talk about different points of view. It's so true. No matter what happens, the world will not stop spinning on its axis or rotating around the sun. However, it's spinning for us. The world goes on for us. It lives on so that we can live on. (That's Kat's Philosophy 2011 for you!)

Now here are a few lines that I feel are relevant this week (relevant to me la!):





Only 2 day's till Sabah! I have to start packing now or I might just leave stuff behind:) My day back at school was a little sleep inducing. Lazing around the past week probably wasn't the best idea. Oh well, what's done is done. I just have to keep myself awake tomorrow! I'm sure it won't be a problem.

Anyways, I know I haven't been saying much here lately and I apologise. I've just been in my head for so long that I'm having trouble transferring thoughts to words. Plus, I've yet to find a topic to really write about. I'm looking and I think I'm getting close so stay tuned!