Where Is My Only Exception?

I love who I am. I have certain issues that need to be worked out but I really do like the person I am. I just wonder if other people do?

I have friends. They like me. But is there someone out there who really likes me? I mean really, really likes me. Sometimes I just feel like that's what I want. I want that one person who really, really likes me. 

There is a song by Paramore, The Only Exception, that says, "I swore to myself that I was content with loneliness." Is that me? I don't actually feel lonely at all. Not always. Most times I'm content because I have people around me whom I love. I have hobbies and other things going for me. However, there are times when I just feel like I want that one person I can talk to at 3 in the morning. Someone I can go out with, hold hands with, and just kiss him because I can. 

I've never been lucky in that department. I've never had a relationship. Anyone I have/had a crush on either treats me like a sister/kid or is either in or ended up in a relationship with someone else. It's like I have no chance at all. Why is that?

This post is floating around on Facebook 'from guys to girls'. I'm just quoting an extract. 

"find someone who will treat you with utter respect.

Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say 'i love you' ..and actually mean it.

Give the nice guys a chance."

That's really all I want.

I'm not so naive and I know that for a relationship to reach that level, it has to start somewhere. Problem is, I haven't even found that starting point. 

It seems to me that all almost all the nice guys are taken, some are gay and the rest aren't interested. How bout giving the weird girl a chance for a change?

I'm not beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I'm not completely sociable but I'm not socially inept either. I can be fun. I'm shy, I'm no genius, and I have a weird sense of style. I'm not your model type, trendy, fashionable and outgoing young lady. I'm different and I'm proud of who I am. 

Is that why it's hard? Because I'm not 'normal' and most guys don't go for 'not normal'? I don't know. All I know is that I have faith. He's out there somewhere. My starter, my future husband. Maybe they're the same people, maybe they aren't. But they're out there and I will never stop searching. 

I do feel kinda defeated right now, however.

Me lost. You help?

I'm having a little bit of a cosmetic issue with my blog right now. I want it to be colourful and the header to reflect who I am, but it's not going too well. I've changed my layout and template so often; even I don't know what my concept is anymore. I need some serious help!

It used to have a black background with colourful text and what not. I've changed that to white for a lighter look but I'm suddenly lost on the colour. What should I do? Which way should I go? Colourful? Or pick a theme? Should I keep the white background or maybe add some colour? Maybe add a lot of colour??

And what of my header? I can't think of a suitable header or blog title. Right now, it's "A Big Bowl of Something". I chose that in an attempt to capture the variety in my blog but it sounds so... alphabet soupy. I cannot remember what I called it when I first started but I know that for the most part, my blog title was "One Day at a Time", which is really a reflection on how I live my life.

I've toyed around with the idea of just using my name as the title but that seems so generic when I do it. I've tried other stuff too, like "Words" ('cause I my blog is basically a writing blog. No picture, just thousands of words) and "Bloop Bloop Bloop" ('cause Mina says I sometimes look like a fish). These titles I am not satisfied with. They're flat. There's no real life in them at all.

I need something that really pops. Something with some life and some pizazz! Something enticing that will make you go, "Hey now, this sounds like it could be an interesting blog to explore" or "I don't mind spending sometime reading something with a title like that!"

I need a header that captures the essence of who I am and therefore, what my blog is like. I am an idealistic, old fashioned, food loving over thinker with an unusual love of words who is sort of anti social. How to I get that all in a few short words? This is going to require the help of many brains at work.

Anyone, anyone at all who has any suggestions whatsoever as to what might work in this part of cyberspace, please drop a comment! :) Anything at all will be helpful. Maybe you have some ideas on a title or even a theme I could consider. All is welcomed. I just need some fresh ideas to get my own juices flowing.

Cheers!

Kaleidoscope.
Yes? No? Maybe?

Failed Escapade (Malu lah!)

Saturday, oh Saturday! Why for art thou incredibly soporific? Might not I be blessed with adventures, how ever small?

And so, I took it upon myself to explore.

I am proudly Malaysian. However, I have never seen the Tugu Negara. I don't even know where it is (as I've undoubtedly proven to myself today). Therefore, mama and myself decided to take a trip to Lake Gardens to see the Tugu Negara (and the Chocolate Factory/Farm thingy nearby there).

And so we set off in our orange car towards Lake Gardens. It was beautiful! Lake Gardens, I mean. The trees were old and graceful. The sky was blue and happy. On the down side, we never found the monument. We drove three times in and around Lake Gardens but the monument remained elusive. Malu la! A Malaysian, driving around aimless, looking for the National Monument. What a shame.

And so, we decided to head towards the Way of the Sun to get me a new pair of shoes. I tell you, the number of shoes I saw today was enough to put me off shoes for a while. There were strap-py shoes, beaded shoes, boring shoes, old lady shoes, hooker shoes, flats, heels, stilettos, wedges, leather, canvas, pumps and even a combination of one or more. You'd think I would be able to find a pair I liked in that mass. But alas, it was not to be. We walked into 4-5 different shoe stores, saw countless pairs of shoes and I found nothing, NOTHING at all that caught my eye. I am still stuck with my black n green flip flops and heels that are begging for retirement.

Where might I find some shoes that are suited to the taste buds of my foot?

Anyway, mama managed to find something she liked. A beautiful, flowing, black blouse. It suits her. Once again, we've managed to not accomplish what we planned and yet accomplished something anyway, totally unplanned. Something I should get used to.

Worry not, though. I have Googled the map to the Tugu Negara and intend on pursuing it once more. :) Hopefully I'll have some new shoes by then.

On a more emotional note, I feel kinda hopeless. My crush ends up with my friend. Never fails to happen. Whats up with me? Heading nowhere perhaps? My farm house, garden, old VW and a steady job in social service seems ever so solid. My love life, however, is a whole different story. Never to be told beforehand?

Sensory Meltdown!

I love to bake (which I'm sure if you follow this blog, you'd know but I still want to mention:)). I make cupcakes and cookies and cakes and even non-dessert stuff like Shepherd's pie, roast chicken and roast lamb.

The savoury stuff, I love to eat. Making it is fun too but I'm not very good at it. I have no sense of what spices go together or if something needs more salt. Which is why I love to test my abilities on my own. I make stuff for myself. I'll give it to others if and only if it passes my quality control standards. Most of the time it doesn't but I get lucky once in a while.

As for the sweet stuff, I love to make more than eat. I may sound conceded but I'm pretty good at making the sweet stuff. I can adjust and bake by feel and I know how it's supposed to taste like before and after baking. My pastries and desserts turn out quite awesome powsome! Or, at least they used to. The last few times I made cookies (which was on Christmas day) and cupcakes (which is today), they turned out terrible! They're edible of course and not actually disgusting. I just can't seem to pass them through quality control. They're not as great as they used to be and I can't do anything to adjust. I feel like a failure. My sense of smell and taste have deserted me. I don't know if my cupcakes are good and I can't tell if my cookies are done right. I'm stuck!

Disappointment assumes me.
My sensory organs have failed me and I am lost!~

Crossroads

Everything seems like it's falling apart. Work is going haywire with my schedule being off every week, school is getting unbearable with friendless days, and everything else is just out of control. I don't know what to do. I just feel like I need to escape this and go somewhere new. A fresh start might be a good idea. It's not easy, of course. Changing schools is a lot more than just moving from one place to another. I have to figure out work, transportation, scheduling, time off, fees, books and even friends. It wont be easy on me or on ma and I'm sorry, but I can't take this anymore. Ma suggested giving it a month, since nothing in my life is stable now, maybe the time will help. I disagree. Time wont make it better. Instead, time has made things worse. If I stay here much longer, I don't know how much of 'me' will be left.

World Stage momentarily made things worth while, but the energy has faded now and I'm left with nothing but the bare pain of school. As soon as I stepped into school, I was back where I didn't want to be. Getting good grades in some of my papers was lifting but not enough and soon I sank back down.

I know that transferring school will take a lot of work and hassle. Something both I and ma have to face. I'm sorry for burdening you with this. It's my heartache but you bear it too and I thank you for that.

..This way ain't working so I'm going that way instead..

To quote Harry Potter in Prizoner of Azkaban:

"Anywhere is better than here!"

Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon

*Drawings are proudly presented by me:) It's what happens when I'm in school^^

*The signpost was inspired by India Jones

*The dragon is the Horntail from The Triwizard Tournament

*The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Crest (more or less:))

Can I get any more bored??

This is what I do when I'm bored. I write. Only now I'm a little more high tech. Anyway, I'm feeling a little lost right now. I'm almost done with my SPM (or O-levels)and I'm more than a little afraid of what's coming up next. I have no clue as to what I want to pursue when I go to college or university. I like reading and writing so should I study English? I want to help change the world so should I do politics or law? I also like helping people figure out their problems so should I do psychology?

I was thinking this through a few days ago til I almost lost it. I was so frustrated and confused. I felt like I was trapped in a box with no way out. But most of all, I was afraid. I was probably headed for a major meltdown. I wondered how could God let me down? How could he let me feel so lost? Why did he leave me in the dark? I prayed and I prayed asking for help. Then I remembered someone telling me that God can only help me if I let him. So I sat still and quiet, listening. Slowly but surely I started feeling much better.


I just accepted that even though I may not know what God has in store for me but I know he has a plan. Something that was meant for me. I just have to go with the flow and not plan too far ahead. This helped me out a lot. Being someone who always has a plan, it was hard to let go and move on without one but I think I can do it now. It's like a revelation. It feels very refreshing to be able to live life as it comes. Day to day. In all this chaos, I've also gained something I've been trying to get for a while now. Patience. It's in my grasp and I can finally wait without agitation.

So anyway, this is this week's revelation. Stay tuned for more! haha:):)