Didaskaleinophobia

I never want to go back to school ever again! Seriously, never, ever again!

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I was back at school for another year. This time, it was a level higher than the years before and everything was so hard. The subjects were all just crazy difficult. My notes for the day were like a foot thick; just one day! We were in an auditorium for a slide show about the topic of the day and we were supposed to take notes. I couldn't get past the first slide. I was lost within seconds. It was, quite honestly, a nightmare!

After that, I had to face all the junior students. They were monsters! They were so rude and loud and unforgiving. I got teased about everything from my head to my toes. I don't remember being that rude, or rude at all to my seniors. I'd prefer to call those little punks something a lot more terrible than just monsters.

I was in tears by the end of the first hour. I felt so defeated and angry. The teachers were rigid, the students were uncaring, the subjects were tough, to say the least, and my body ached all over from the weight of all the books and notes I had to carry. (I think that was just my subconscious mind trying to incorporate my actually aching body into my dreams)

It's like everything bad I ever had to face in school all rolled up into one day. I didn't have a bad school life. In fact, I enjoyed it. But when you take out all the good, leave only the bad and multiply that by a thousand, it'll make any sane person go mad. Never again will I go back to school. No uniforms, no cheeky little juniors and no impossibly hard subjects that will have even Einstein running for the hills.

Anyway, when I woke up, I was in tears. I've never cried because of a dream before. I've been too scared to go back to sleep, angry or upset but never have I cried. I feel mentally shaken, emotionally exhausted and physically battered. This is definitely not a good start to the day.

The worst part is, I have a paper later at 2pm. I have to be in school. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Even now, just thinking about it makes my heart weak. This is silly. It's just a dream but it really affected me. I am not in the right mood today. Luckily for me, today's paper is just an objective one. No need for too much thinking. I hope I can make it. No panic attacks, please.

I really need an ice cream or chocolate right about now.

UPDATE:
I managed to walk into school. But my heart was working over time all the way. I just had to get out of there. I just had to.

Where Is My Only Exception?

I love who I am. I have certain issues that need to be worked out but I really do like the person I am. I just wonder if other people do?

I have friends. They like me. But is there someone out there who really likes me? I mean really, really likes me. Sometimes I just feel like that's what I want. I want that one person who really, really likes me. 

There is a song by Paramore, The Only Exception, that says, "I swore to myself that I was content with loneliness." Is that me? I don't actually feel lonely at all. Not always. Most times I'm content because I have people around me whom I love. I have hobbies and other things going for me. However, there are times when I just feel like I want that one person I can talk to at 3 in the morning. Someone I can go out with, hold hands with, and just kiss him because I can. 

I've never been lucky in that department. I've never had a relationship. Anyone I have/had a crush on either treats me like a sister/kid or is either in or ended up in a relationship with someone else. It's like I have no chance at all. Why is that?

This post is floating around on Facebook 'from guys to girls'. I'm just quoting an extract. 

"find someone who will treat you with utter respect.

Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say 'i love you' ..and actually mean it.

Give the nice guys a chance."

That's really all I want.

I'm not so naive and I know that for a relationship to reach that level, it has to start somewhere. Problem is, I haven't even found that starting point. 

It seems to me that all almost all the nice guys are taken, some are gay and the rest aren't interested. How bout giving the weird girl a chance for a change?

I'm not beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I'm not completely sociable but I'm not socially inept either. I can be fun. I'm shy, I'm no genius, and I have a weird sense of style. I'm not your model type, trendy, fashionable and outgoing young lady. I'm different and I'm proud of who I am. 

Is that why it's hard? Because I'm not 'normal' and most guys don't go for 'not normal'? I don't know. All I know is that I have faith. He's out there somewhere. My starter, my future husband. Maybe they're the same people, maybe they aren't. But they're out there and I will never stop searching. 

I do feel kinda defeated right now, however.