That one final stretch before the start of everything... or has everything already begun?

I’m thinking about the future, specifically my future, and I’m scared. I’m not even going very far into the future; more like the one that’s looming closer each day, the immediate post graduation future.

What’s next?

I am so afraid. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I know I want art therapy. Well, I know I want art in some way or the other and art therapy is the most obvious choice I have right now that involves both art and psychology (don’t want that degree to go to waste).

I told mama and she asked me, “Is it practical?” I HAVE NO IDEA. There isn’t really a market for art therapists here in Malaysia, I know that. I know that even the idea of therapy, no matter what the form, is still a taboo in this part of the world. So obviously, I’ll have to throw practicality out the window for this one. Will it guarantee me a stable financial basis? No. Will it even guarantee me a proper job? No. I don’t even know how to get into the field apart from getting an internship or Masters in Art Therapy which is not offered locally.

So what’s my back up plan? What happens if art therapy has to take a back seat for now? What happens if I cannot pursue art therapy right now, in the beginning of the rest of my life? What else can I do? I don’t want to do clinical psychology and I don’t want to do research. I also would rather not get into any form of corporate or organisational psychology because I am not a fan of big corporations or conglomerates. 

What then? What other options am I left with?

These were the questions mama brought up in our conversation about my near future. She’s right, of course. I have to think about getting a steady job, kicking off a career, financial stability, using my knowledge from the psych degree in a way that would benefit me.

BUT, I don’t want to think of it that way. I don’t want to choose my job or career path based on whether or not it’ll give me a good salary. I don’t want to think about the ‘practical application of my degree’. I don’t want to be stuck doing something just for the money. I want to do what I love. I want to make art and I want to use art to help people. I know the industry isn’t big here, not yet; but I would like to get into the movement of expanding the use of art in this country. I’d like to do that.

However, I am also acutely aware that my strong desire to get involved in art therapy is, right now, not altruistically motivated. I want to get involved in art for myself. I want art for me. I want to create things and learn new art forms. And right now, the only way I can make art and money at the same time seems to be through art therapy. And that’s not a good enough reason to be involved in therapy, I think - because what I want is selfish and this should be a selfless path.

So what then? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep studying (because I know that’s just a way for me to keep hiding from my future, delaying the inevitable responsibilities of complete adulthood), I don’t want a ‘boring and practical job’. I don’t want to have to pick a path based on financial needs and long term stability.

I want to do something that makes me happy.  I want to create. I want to participate in art. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. I want to live. How do I decide on that?

The Inevitable

There's this thing I do to myself. I get myself all worked up and happy and excited about something, something small. Something that's not even in the realm of possibility. And even though I know it's most probably never going to happen, I still get myself hyped about it because I feel alive and great.

But then, once I start getting myself hyped, I'll end up ruining it all and one day, it'll come crashing down. That particular hope and dream will just vanish into thin air in a puff of smoke due to me being overly self-conscious and thus, counter productive.

This always happens. Always.

And I have no idea how to stop it.

And it's happening now and I don't know.

And sometimes, it feels like I'm making a lot of hay over nothing at all. This is one of those times. Hmm.

I don't know what to do.

At this stage, it's like I have no control over my feelings. I just have to roll with it and hope I don't mess anything up.

Bambi-esque

Oh Em Gee!!!

Today's the first day of orientation. We got a tour of the campus, heard a speech from the Dean of Psychology, had the entire staff introduced to us via power point by the Head of the Department and then took an English Proficiency Exercise.

I started out as I expected to. Meaning, I was quiet and reserved. I stayed out of big groups and I just listened to everything. I spoke to a few people and I kept trying to calm the butterflies in my tummy. Pretty standard stuff. But then I realised that the file they gave me was not supposed to be empty. Or actually, that it was supposed to be filled with papers and stuff.

That's when I started to panic. I managed to get what I need from the office but I was already too far gone by then. During the Dean's speech, he ended with a few example cases. Like, there's a 6 year old male who is being disruptive in class and does not pay attention. You have to come up with a diagnosis. Does he have a learning disability, if so, which one. And you have to come up with learning programme that suits his needs.

BAM!

That's the first taste I got. Definitely interesting. And totally new. I had no idea what my answer would possibly be. The Dean said that the point is, Uni is preparation so that by the end of 3 years, we should be able to answer these questions.

And then we went on to the English Proficiency Exercise. I thought, yea, I can do this. I mean, I'm not being cocky or anything, but I can read, write and converse in English pretty well. So, there's a high possibility that I'll do well in this and not have to take English for Psychology 101. We had to answer one of three questions. It was a short essay question. Our answers were to be between 200-250 words. Piece of cake; or so I thought. I saw the questions and my heart dropped.  (Cue second BAM!)

Q1 was the easiest question on the screen. Why did you choose psychology and what do you see yourself doing after you graduate. Questions 2 and 3 had me stumped. They were more psychologically based. I can't remember the exact questions but they were something along the lines of this: What psychological problems do you think this country faces and what do you think is the best way to overcome it. Something like that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I chose to answer question 1. Why? Because I didn't feel intellectually capable of answering either one of the other 2 questions. I have no idea what I think are the psychological problems this generation faces nor do I have any clues or ideas as to how the problem could be tackled.

I felt dumb, to be honest. I felt totally, and completely incapable of answering those questions. I don't know enough. Heck, I don't know anything! I don't read non-fiction books. I don't read psych books. I read fiction. Ask me about how to stop a genius, evil pixie from taking over the world or what a thestral is; those questions I can answer. So, ever since I saw those questions up on the screen, the butterflies in my stomach refuse to calm down. I managed to submit an answer to question one which I hope is good enough to exempt me from the EP101 class.

However, I still feel too dumb. I don't know why on earth I thought I could do psychology. I mean, sure, I did pretty well in STPM but I did Pengajian Am, BM, Econs and English Lit. Non of those subjects have anything to do with Psychology. So, what on earth was I thinking? What did I get myself into?

Here's what popped into my head: That West Wing episode when Josh got shot and had a flashback to when Bartlet just won the elections. Donna was interviewed by someone from a magazine and the writer commented that Donna had a Bambi-esque quality about her. She was told my a White House staffer that there's a nuclear warhead in the Rose Garden, which Donna then told the interviewer who promptly included that piece of information in the magazine. When Donna realised that it was a prank, she said; "I'm too stupid to live!"

Oh man. I hope I can get over this. I really, really hope I can get over this. I want so badly to learn more. My brain is just waiting to be supplied with information. I'm just itching to learn and discover things. HELP encourages their students to not just accept whatever is given to them in the classrooms but to be inquisitive and explore things for themselves as well. I can't wait for that. I just hope I work hard enough to process all this awesomeness. Basically, I hope I don't crash and burn.

Anyway, it's all so exciting. I need to get a laptop soon though, I think. It seems I'm going to be using the computer a lot. So much money. Hmm..

I'd like to end this post with a music recommendation. The band is called "Of Monsters and Men". I know the band name sounds like they sing heavy metal or something but they don't. They make very good music. So, go! Listen to them on Youtube. Try listening to the song "From Finner" first. Bonus: They're Irish! :)

Oh The Colour Purple:)

Tomorrow is going to be my first day at University. I'm as nervous as anything! I have everything ready to go (except my water bottle, which is missing, and my ring, which I seemed to have misplaced). I'm super excited though. There's going to be new people, new adventures. I always hear about how fun life at University is, so I can't wait for some first-hand experience! This is a whole new chapter in my life and I can't wait to turn the page!

Speaking of pages, I have my Kindle back! Wohoo!! Aunty Lucy arrived home on Sunday with my baby Kindle in tow, thankfully. So, I can finally read on it again, not to mention start playing games too:) However,  in these two months of being without the Kindle, I started to read paperback books again so I'm having a little bit of an adjustment issue. I'll get over it soon enough, though. Because I have Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian to read! Muahahhaa:)

Oh, another big announcement: I won a Big Bad Wolf Book Sale Preview Pass!~

Which means, just like last year, I get to go to the sale a day before it's opened to the general public! The sale is going to be even bigger this year, with 3 Million books! The only thing left to do now is to wait for December 6th!:) So, thank you Lt. Black Paw!

Moving on, I dyed my hair! I really wanted to do something to my hair because I was getting kind of bored with it. I didn't want to cut it so, I opted to go purple! :) I wanted a visible purple, like not too bright but just bright enough to distinguish the difference between the black and purple parts. I didn't dye my whole head of hair, by the way. Just the bottom half.

Anyway, here are some pictures of the process, just for fun:)

Prep time. (Fuhh, that's really how long my hair is now?)

Bleaching. (Cz you know, purple doesn't stand out on black)

Adding the colour! (Reading Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception on my lovely Kindle!)

Getting some sort of treatment. I look like I have a UFO lading on my head.

So, that's the process. I haven't taken a picture of the end result yet. I want to make sure the colour is completely visible, so once I rescue the camera from my brother's car, I shall take a picture:) It's not exactly as bright as I had imagined it to be but I quite like it.

Anyway, I'm excited about it. I really like the colour. I'm thinking of keeping it for a while:) Teehehe:)

So yea, first day tomorrow. I'm pumped. I hope I remember how to write with a pen. I had a little trouble locating my pencil case but it's settled. I'm all set. I definitely have to visit a stationary store soon though, cause my ball point pens are running low of ink. I don't know about notebooks though. I may need them, I may not. That'll just have to wait till I start actual classes.

I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow. I hope it's not boring. And I hope I meet some nice people:)

Anyways, gotta go now. Wish me luck! :)
Sleep well, everyone!!

Scary, ain't it??

Unsettled. I guess that's the word I'd choose to describe what I'm feeling at the moment.

But why, though?

Today, I booked a ticket to Australia. I'm going in July with my Aunty. I'm only staying for 2 weeks but it's an awesome opportunity. I've never been to the land down under, so I'm excited. However, I feel unsettled. I don't think it's the trip, though.

There's a lot going on in these few coming months. The Youth Rally is in August which means organising it has already started. There's stuff to be done. I guess, maybe I'm worried that I'm pushing aside my responsibility. Am I doing that? I don't think so. I mean, I'm not the only one involved in this. I have a whole team of people who are working hard with me to get this thing going. So, I think 2 weeks away won't be such a bad thing. I just feel.. I don't know.. guilty, maybe?

This is all too confusing.

And then there's the whole University thing. I've been thinking about it the whole day. I've been going back and forth on this, listing and re-listing the pros and cons of each decision. Both sides present a very convincing argument. It's just that, the voices in my head can't seem to come to a conclusion and so, I'm feeling unsettled.

Is it supposed to be this hard? No, not hard. Just... confusing. No... complex. Yeah, that's it. Complex. Is it supposed to be this complex? Choosing a university, I mean. I guess it should, right? Because this is one of those big life decisions. A moment in your life when the decision you make will carve out the path you take. Right?

I think part of this 'unsettled-ness' is also nerves. I'm pretty nervous about this whole affair. I mean, all this 'moving forward' and 'growing up' thing can be quite scary. I've always felt safe at school. Probably because I knew what I had coming. I knew what school had to offer. I knew about extra curricular activities. I knew about sports and homework. I knew that it all led to public examinations.

But now, I don't know. I have no idea what University is going to be like. I have no idea what my extra curricular activities are going to be. On top of all that, I have no idea what-so-ever on how modular educational system works! My whole life, school has been about studying throughout the year and then scoring well for public exams. Now, my grades are up for scrutiny after each semester. I need to keep them up and stuff. I mean, I know I can do it, but it just scares me.

The unknown. That is man's biggest fear. Mine too.

I need a conversation.

On The Edge...

It's weird how I only get nervous on the day of something big. Even when I was still in school, it was always like that. I would only really feel nervous on the day of public exams or on some big camping trip or whatever. Never the days and months leading up to it and not even on the day before. The nerves usually kicked in on the morning of.

That's sort of what happened today. Mama took me to Sunway University and then to HELP University to find out about the Psychology course they offered. It was a big deal. I mean, I'm finally at this crossroad. I've seen my friends come and go at this junction and now I'm finally here too. It feels pretty exciting but really, really nauseating too (that's probably the nerves though).

We went to Sunway first. Their course structure seems pretty good. They have an intern-ship at the end of the 3rd year too. It seems pretty solid. Also, there's a 50% fee waiver that I'm eligible for in the first semester and if I keep my grades up, it'll be applicable for the following semesters as well, which is pretty awesome.

After all that, we headed to HELP. HELP's more established when it comes to their psychology programmes. Rightly so, since they've been doing it for ten years now. The electives that they offer are pretty interesting too. It's slightly cheaper but once we add the transport money and what not, it'll come up to about the same. One low point is that the only scholarship they can offer is a 10k reduction of the tuition fees which I have to apply for and might not even get.

Right now, I'm on the fence. I really like the campus at Sunway and their course modules aren't all that different from HELPs. However, I do like the fact that HELP lets me choose my electives (most of which are pretty interesting). Travelling and parking is going to be mad there but I don't think that's a deal breaker. So, I think I know where I'm going to go but I do need to talk to someone a little more before I decide.

And then, who knows, I may register next week:)

All this is really exciting. I've never been here before. All this is pretty new for me. I finally get to choose what I want to study. I'm moving into a whole new kind of education. I'm pretty stoked but plenty nervous as well. I hope I make the right choice. This is my life after all. So, the decision that lies before me is a mighty important one. (I sound like this because I just watched Thor. So, I hope you can ignore my Shakespeare-ean English :P)

While we were on the way to HELP, I thought about what I was feeling. It came to me like this: I felt like I was a bird about to take flight. Here I am, standing on the edge of a cliff, all those years of learning how to fly is behind me, and I can't do much but take flight. This, right now, is that few seconds before I jump off that cliff. That moment when my stomach-butterflies decide to go haywire and I'm not sure if I'll survive the jump. But, I know that I have to jump anyway.

That's how I feel. The jump is coming, and I know it. I just don't know how long it'll take me to adjust my wings and start flying, or in fact, if I'll ever fly at all. This is all getting to be really taxing on my mind.

I gotta sleep now because I'm super sleepy. So, hopefully I'll wake up with a clearer sense of direction.
Fare thee well.

Didaskaleinophobia

I never want to go back to school ever again! Seriously, never, ever again!

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I was back at school for another year. This time, it was a level higher than the years before and everything was so hard. The subjects were all just crazy difficult. My notes for the day were like a foot thick; just one day! We were in an auditorium for a slide show about the topic of the day and we were supposed to take notes. I couldn't get past the first slide. I was lost within seconds. It was, quite honestly, a nightmare!

After that, I had to face all the junior students. They were monsters! They were so rude and loud and unforgiving. I got teased about everything from my head to my toes. I don't remember being that rude, or rude at all to my seniors. I'd prefer to call those little punks something a lot more terrible than just monsters.

I was in tears by the end of the first hour. I felt so defeated and angry. The teachers were rigid, the students were uncaring, the subjects were tough, to say the least, and my body ached all over from the weight of all the books and notes I had to carry. (I think that was just my subconscious mind trying to incorporate my actually aching body into my dreams)

It's like everything bad I ever had to face in school all rolled up into one day. I didn't have a bad school life. In fact, I enjoyed it. But when you take out all the good, leave only the bad and multiply that by a thousand, it'll make any sane person go mad. Never again will I go back to school. No uniforms, no cheeky little juniors and no impossibly hard subjects that will have even Einstein running for the hills.

Anyway, when I woke up, I was in tears. I've never cried because of a dream before. I've been too scared to go back to sleep, angry or upset but never have I cried. I feel mentally shaken, emotionally exhausted and physically battered. This is definitely not a good start to the day.

The worst part is, I have a paper later at 2pm. I have to be in school. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Even now, just thinking about it makes my heart weak. This is silly. It's just a dream but it really affected me. I am not in the right mood today. Luckily for me, today's paper is just an objective one. No need for too much thinking. I hope I can make it. No panic attacks, please.

I really need an ice cream or chocolate right about now.

UPDATE:
I managed to walk into school. But my heart was working over time all the way. I just had to get out of there. I just had to.