I Don't Have A Ferrari To Sell

I’ve been thinking about change.

I’m reading a fascinating book now, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. It’s all about this hotshot lawyer was drowning in work. He had a heart attack, then decided to sell everything and go on a search for the purpose of life. He ended up with a bunch of monks in India, deep in the Himalayas. He came back looking years younger, alive, free, and fulfilled. The book is about him sharing what he had learned from the monks.

The first chapter talks about your mind being a garden. If you cultivate it with pretty and fulfilling things, your life will be fulfilling. And if you let weeds and negativity take root, they will eventually stifle you. What he says makes a lot of sense. He talks about meditating every day to train your mind to focus. If you can focus your mind on one thing, basically enter flow (Flow Theory) at will, you can do and be anything you want because you will be able to hold your focus.

Next is changing the negative thoughts you have to positive thoughts. Basically, learn to control your minds and harness the power of your thought. Based on positive psych and all that, I know about the power of positive thinking. It makes a difference in how you feel is you smile when you are mad. The simple act of replacing bad thoughts with good ones can make so much difference to the quality of your life. This eventually becomes a habit and you can learn to not hold on to bad thoughts and ideas.

And then he goes on to say that if you visualise what you want, the thing you are working towards, a goal, then you will get there. Visualisation keeps you on your target and it helps you see yourself attaining those goals and then your life and your choices will lead to them.

All this makes sense to me. I get it. It tallies with the stuff I've learned in uni.

The next chapter is about a lighthouse, or the purpose in life. He says that once you find something that makes you feel free and full, that is your purpose. For example, if painting gets your blood pumping, if you are excited by it and have this internal drive to keep doing it, then that is your purpose. And it’s also important to make sure that this purpose involves serving others in some way. So perhaps showcasing your art to touch lives? Or teach people about art?

Once you find this purpose (it make take some exploration before you pin it down), cultivate it. Keep your mind focused on it. And then set small goals related to your purpose. Keep your mind on those goals and make sure you have the courage to act on them.

In fact, you can do this with any small goals as well. Say you want to be more peaceful, or more financially secure, just set small goals. He outlines a 5 step process to it that you can use.

The whole book so far seems quite psychological and methodological which makes sense. Because even spirituality and transcendence requires some form of discipline and understanding of what works with humans. Since psychology is all about how humans work, applying it to this is a logical step.

But then I started thinking about making all these changes. Sure, I can meditate each day to train my mind, I can regularly visualise myself obtaining my goals and then acting on those steps to achieve what I want.

However, it’s not as simple as it seems, is it? I have responsibilities. People who are counting on me. Besides, I’m still young. I don’t actually have a solid life to change yet. So sure, I can shape my life using these principles to avoid the need for change later on, but what happens to my family while I’m on this quest?

I can’t just decide to go after what I want without considering how it might affect the people around me. I just can’t.

So is this book really for me? I mean, I can read it and apply parts of it to my own life. I’m sure I can stand to benefit from some of these techniques. But maybe I’m just not ready for this entire book. Or maybe I just don’t need it in the same way that the monk did. Perhaps some of these techniques will be enough for me for now. Maybe that's the whole idea. To take what you need from this pool if wisdom and apply it to your life accordingly. 

I know I can do better with focusing my mind. I know I can do better with being more positive. So I shall.

I can start on one of these techniques, perhaps meditation. I want to learn how to focus my mind. I want to take charge of it. And I know I can do this. I think this exercise will help me hone my discipline as well, which I know is terrible right now. Each day will be an improvement.

(I’ll start the meditation next week though. I want to start it after I’m done with the assignments)

Benjamin: he came back a changed laptop

So, my laptop, Benjamin, was having some issues. I had to send him to the shop to be fixed. He had some minor problems and I was going to send him but a couple of days before I planned to do it, he crashed. The screen went blue and it said that windows was forced to shut down. Of course, I went into a silent panic.

We took him to the PC doctors and they said that the hard drive was damaged and it needed to be replaced. So ok, we replace the hard drive and fix the other small problems too. Now, I know what replacing the hard drive meant. I expected to lose all my data and I did, I expected to have to reinstall some things like VLC and perhaps Google Chrome. I was prepared for that.

However, things hardly ever go according to plan, right?

As it turns out, I have Benjamin but back it's like he's a totally new thing. The usual suspects were missing (i.e: data, VLC, latest Skype). BUT, something feels a little off with it. Something wasn't quite right.

That's when it hit me. MICROSOFT OFFICE! Benjamin didn't have microsoft office installed anymore! So I can't open any words files. All my thesis work and part time work can't be access on Benji yet because he doesn't know how to do it. Damn it.

Also, the mouse pad is different. I used to be able to scroll with it using two fingers. Now, it's kinda of backtracked to an old fashioned only-one-finger-function mousepad. So no scrolling at all. I only just realised how much I rely on that function. I'm trying to scroll through things and I end up feeling like a fool because it doesn't work anymore.

That stumps me, though. Why would changing the hard drive affect the mouse at all? I suppose this must be a software issue. Did I get an old mouse software to replace the one in my old hard drive?? That really sucks.

All in all, I am happy that I have Benji back but I wish the mouse was the same. :(

The screen also feels different to me but maybe that's just me

Learning

I learnt an important lesson this week. Emotional support. I'm a problem fixer. When someone is upset or whatever, my first thought will be, "How can I fix this? How can I make you not feel sad or upset?".

But I know now that it's not always about 'fixing' a problem. Most of the time when people share their problems and worries with you, it is not to because they want you to present them with a solution. What they usually want is to know that you care. It's knowing that you care about how they're feeling and that you are there for them and that you love them.

At the end of our last Social Psychology lecture, Dr.Chua showed us a video of a couple getting therapy. The husband said something very important. He revealed that he now understands that what his wife wanted from him all along, that is emotional support. When she was upset, he'd shut down because he didn't know how to respond to her. But now he understands that all she ever wanted was for him to be emotionally engaged. She wanted him to know what she's feeling and be her shoulder to cry on.

Funnily enough, I thought I understood this after watching the video and maybe I did, but I didn't realise I was doing exactly what the husband did until later. A friend pointed it out. And suddenly, I got it. It's about being there for someone and saying, "Yes, I understand what you are telling me and I am here for you to lean on."

I hope I always remember this.

Moving on, I read this (though perhaps not in so many words) somewhere: "We can get up right now and choose to walk away or change something in our life and there is nothing to stop us yet most us don't"

This got me thinking, maybe it's because we're scared of change. Maybe we feel powerless?

But really, we're not. Far from it. We can change anything we want about our life. All we have to do is start. All we have to do is take one step.

I think most of us are so comfortable with the familiar that we don't try to change anything even if it's bad. It's a sad cycle that I think we need to stop. We have to work very hard at learning that we are in control of our lives and we can be different. We can do what we want and achieve almost any goal. The sooner we learn this, the sooner our children will know that they too are empowered.

The only limits in life are the ones you  make

Jolly Good Times!

Carolling was great! :) It was done in a much smaller scale this year with only one day of carolling and 11 houses, but it still rocked!

We sang quite well. The only problem was our volume. We didn't start off loud. Also, everyone was tired by the third house! We did good, though. I had so much of fun and I'm so proud of all of us. We all remembered our parts, no one got lost and there were no tantrums. The food was good too!

Santa Claus was awesome but the best part was Santarina! She was epic! Santa bumped into her a few times along the way while dancing but she never stopped. I loved watching her! :) She should do it again next year la!

Anyway, another thing I have to celebrate is the end, like really, the end of my high school life. It's over! My last paper was at 5pm and now, I am officially NOT a high school student! I'm all grown up now, aww!

So, to celebrate this auspicious occasion, I have changed my email address. I've decided that I need a more professional sounding email. 'cutecat1402' has served me well. It has been with me all through my schooling life and it even got me started on Facebook. But the time has come for me to say goodbye.

Now, I have a new email. I hit jackpot with it because no one else chose the address that I wanted which meant that I didn't have to use numbers! :) I feel so good. The time has come for me to step out into the world and my first order of business to prepare myself is to change my email. It's a milestone! :)

Ok, enough of this la. Truth is, I just can't sleep! I'm so stoked about being free from school that I cannot shut my eyes. I think it's all the endorphins in my blood stream. The 'happy' chemical that's keeping me awake!

I'm not going to keep writing till I fall asleep, I know you have better things to do than read my rant for 10 pages. (I actually wrote down quite a lot of my thoughts during the exams. Almost 2 pages each exam cramped with words and drawings in a mere 30 minutes!)

I just have one more thought to add, Mel has a really nice smile!!! It's like the truly heart-melting kind that makes his eyes twinkle. Nice too look at. *ehem*  ;)

Facebook's Facelifts

I have to rant about Facebook. Just to make myself feel better.

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius, what with creating Facebook and all, but he seriously needs to relax. Facebook is getting too much plastic surgery for one who is only 7 years old. It's had, oh I don't know, 4 to 5 facelifts now. That's just too much, even for an adult.

OK folks, seriously, Facebook is changing too much. Yes, change is good. Esther Dyson (whoever she is) said, "Change means that what was before wasn't perfect. People want things to be better," and she's right. In fact, change is vital for the survival of any social network in this ever changing, ever growing world of cyber space, but, c'mon, don't you think changing the layout 3 times in about as many months is just too much change? (Notice how many times I used the word 'change' or some form of it? It's a literary device called alliteration, or some form of it la) ("La." That's another one, it's called using colloquialisms).

I created my own Facebook profile about 2 years ago. I was super excited. Here was a new social networking site that I could enter in without lying about my age and reconnect with people who I went to kindergarden with. It was a cyber space miracle, an entity of major proportions.

It was great, and it still is. More and more people started using Facebook and I began to climb the all-new social ladder of "who's got more 'friends'". There were games that I could waste my time on like Farmville and arcade-type games my mother is still addicted to. I can just log in (using my ultra childish and embarrassing, but secretly cool, email that my mother created for me when I was 11) and I'm instantly connected to the rest of the world! Everything I post, like pictures and status updates, are out there for the world to see. Now, even creepy, anti social, stalker-type, cyber punks half-way around the world will know that the chocolate I just had was "sooooo goood!!!!!!!." It's every parent's nightmare.

Anyway, Mr. Zuckerberg, then, introduced new security settings. Great, just what the police ordered. Now, I can make sure that only my friends are informed about the astounding goodness of the chocolate I just had. That's pretty harmless. The most they would do is come knocking on my door, demanding for a piece of that awesome chocolate. But, we're veering of course here. The more secure settings were an awesome addition. Parents, now, didn't have to worry too much. Everyone felt more protected and cyber space was a safer place.

However, the change kept on coming. Our 'walls', then, received a new design. The layout was different. Not exactly better but we got used to it and everyone survived, almost unscathed. You would have thought they were smart enough to stop there after getting dozens of messages about how terrible the new design was but we'd put up with it anyway because the service was invaluable (much more valuable than MySpace or Friendster, at any rate). But no, they didn't. They went on to adding groups, where people can share information with just a select group. Also, lists, where.. I don't exactly know what for. They even changed the chat box. It was now sleek and inadvertently connected to your message inbox (I still don't understand that). There were now dozens of notifications to be dealt with and more privacy settings to be readjusted. Everything every one does, every 'like', every 'comment', every friend made and every game played was plastered on your wall. It gives a whole new meaning to "Spam." Whenever I log in, which is quite frequently, I'm greeted by a mountain-high pile (cyber-ly speaking) of notifications and "recent news".

Now, do I really have time to scroll through 300+ recent news updates from people I rarely talk to? Well, yes, I do. And so, I sit there on my terribly comfortable, plastic-on-wheels, Ikea chair, looking through what everyone had been doing since I last logged off. If that doesn't already sound stalker-ish, then keep reading. If it does, well, keep reading la! :)

After going through those updates, I'm now pressured by society to post something of my own. Being me, I ignore that pressure and keep doing what I do; keep cyber silence and post what I wish, when I wish it. After all these major upgrades, I thought that Mr. Zuckerberg and his team of technical geniuses would take a break. Maybe go on a year long tour of the Amazon Jungle or something (I'm sure they could afford it).

Once again, I'm wrong. Those technophiles (new word I learnt) kept right on rollin'. Now, after a graceful few months of allowing the general public to, finally, get used to this new 'Face' of Facebook, we are awarded with another big bang. A facelift! This time, we can 'subscribe' to people. It's not enough that we can 'Like' various things such as TV shows, movies, jokes, phrases and even celebrities, now, we can also subscribe to people. I pity the famous. They don't stand a chance against this.

With this new subscription scheme, comes a little box on the top right corner of your screen. This box's sole duty is to give you a constant stream of updates depending on whom and what you are subscribed to. For example, I can subscribe to be constantly updated on friends' life activities, games they play, statuses, photos and videos. Who needs a wall with news feeds when I have this. One of my friend very bluntly posted this on her page, "Facebook, Stalking you always." Apt, exceedingly so, if you ask me. (And still, we stick to Facebook with every ounce of binary strength that we possess because, to be honest, it's totally useful. Also, we're all secretly dependent on this whole being-connected thing)

I understand the need for Facebook to be current and sophisticated. It's competing in a global market of social networking sites. It can fall just as quickly as it took down MySpace. What I don't get is this: Facebook was initially invented to connect people from a university with their families, via the internet. It started off on the right track. Connecting people and bringing old friends together is what it does. Now, however, everyone is turned into a cyber-stalker, whether you like it or not. Your privacy is no longer completely in your hands. You can opt not to subscribe to someone's every move, but you cannot opt to stop people from subscribing to you. That's a whole lot of privacy violations right there. It's like people have placed CCTV's in your room, without your permission.

Change is good, but there is a line. There is always a line. It cannot be crossed. The line will gradually move farther away, in which case, more change is required. This weird too-closely-timed change notwithstanding, I think Mark Zuckerberg and his team have done quite well. What they need to learn is that "All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward." So says Ms. Ellen Glasgow (whoever she is)

Time for a KitKat, guys. A hiatus might be in order. Why not give us some time to get acquainted and maybe even comfortable with this new "Face" before going under the knife again.

****

I did some research:

Esther Dyson - A 60 year old Swiss journalist, entrepreneur, and philanthropist.

Ellen Glasgow - Pulitzer Prize-winning American novelist who lived till 72 years of age, telling the story of the changing south.

The Weird Girl and Magic Onion

So far, the new school has been good to me. They have very high standards but I think I'll be able to keep up if I work at it. I have two subjects to catch up on, BM and Economy, which I have never taken before. I'll work hard this year so that by next year, I'll be on the same level as everyone else. It's alot of work but I'm confident I can do it. I just need to keep reminding myself not to slack off (which is more of a habit than anything with me).

As for the people, they're not too bad either. Since everyone is new to me, it's been easier to fit in. They very friendly and although they're not on the same wavelength as me (I'm not holding myself to a higher standard, I just don't think the way most people do), but they're definitely closer to it than my other friends. Of course, I'm obviously under-exposed, being the Shah Alam raised girl that I am, so this might be a good experience. I'm having fun, for sure. Maybe giving more of myself to this school experience will make things even better so we'll see how it goes. As for now, I'm going to try as hard as I can to catch up and get into this Form 6 thing a little more whole-heartedly.

Moving on, I have the FLU! Argh! Not again. :( But do not fret, I say, for I have come across and ancient (not so ancient actually but it sounds nicer) form of remedy. It is said that to be rid of this wretched virus, all I have to do is place an onion in a bowl on my night stand while I sleep. When I wake up, I should be healed. Ergo, I will try out this ancient magic and let you know how I feel tomorrow. If it works, I shall be singing praises to God for his almighty wonders and if it does not go my way, I shall still sing to the glory of God for such a wondrously delicious fruit (I love onions by the way)
:)

I would love to give you an introduction to my classmates, but since I don't know them enough and I'm in no condition for another long post, I'll leave it here for now and get back to you tomorrow, if and hopefully when, the onion remedy works.

Divine Humour

God is a funny man. When I was feeling so upset and frustrated with almost everything, I found a way out. A new adventure to take my mind away from the darkness. Once I get there, I won't feel like this anymore and things will get better. Just as I confirm my leaving, he springs on me some beautiful moments. It's like he's testing me, trying to see if I really want to this new chapter for myself and not for some obscure reason like escape.

The very same day I took the first step of a new adventure, he showed me that I'm not a loser in everyone's eyes. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. The next day, he shows me that I wont be forgotten, that I have friends who will actually miss me. After that, I just felt so happy to be where I was that I started wondering; 'maybe I'm not supposed to leave'. But no, I'm leaving anyway, because I know that if I stay I'll fall back down. These moments I was gifted with were not meant to make me stay. In fact, they were planted in my life just to give me some confidence and to help me understand that everything I want in life is possible. Also, I realised that I'm not someone who can stay in one place for too long. My biggest fear is being stuck in a routine my entire life. That's not me and I wont let that happen. I'm going to make sure my life is an adventure all the way. I want to explore and experience. I'm working on it and I'll make sure it happens.

Crossroads

Everything seems like it's falling apart. Work is going haywire with my schedule being off every week, school is getting unbearable with friendless days, and everything else is just out of control. I don't know what to do. I just feel like I need to escape this and go somewhere new. A fresh start might be a good idea. It's not easy, of course. Changing schools is a lot more than just moving from one place to another. I have to figure out work, transportation, scheduling, time off, fees, books and even friends. It wont be easy on me or on ma and I'm sorry, but I can't take this anymore. Ma suggested giving it a month, since nothing in my life is stable now, maybe the time will help. I disagree. Time wont make it better. Instead, time has made things worse. If I stay here much longer, I don't know how much of 'me' will be left.

World Stage momentarily made things worth while, but the energy has faded now and I'm left with nothing but the bare pain of school. As soon as I stepped into school, I was back where I didn't want to be. Getting good grades in some of my papers was lifting but not enough and soon I sank back down.

I know that transferring school will take a lot of work and hassle. Something both I and ma have to face. I'm sorry for burdening you with this. It's my heartache but you bear it too and I thank you for that.

..This way ain't working so I'm going that way instead..

To quote Harry Potter in Prizoner of Azkaban:

"Anywhere is better than here!"

Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon

*Drawings are proudly presented by me:) It's what happens when I'm in school^^

*The signpost was inspired by India Jones

*The dragon is the Horntail from The Triwizard Tournament

*The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Crest (more or less:))

Season Of Change

I'm FINALLY off! After 11 days of working without an off, it's good to just sit at home and do nothing. I'm kind of burnt out with working. Now I know why people don't work everyday. It's very tiring to see the same place and do the same thing over and over again for 11 days straight. The day off, a full 24 hours away from work, is just the thing I need to get rejuvenated.

I feel much better about getting back to work tomorrow. It's going to be a challenge with all the new faces. At the same time it'll be fun because even though I've only been working for a month and a half, I have seniority. June and I will have a ball training them. June is a little worried though because she says that she herself isn't very familiar with taking orders. I think she'll be awesome though.

Speaking of new faces, I'm really going to miss alot of the old faces there. Alot of them were nice to me and most of them taught me everything I now about Friday's. I'm going to miss talking to them and joking around. I'm a little attached to all of them in a way. I sincerely hope that they come and visit often. I'd like to see them again some time. Going back to work knowing that they'll be gone is a little upsetting. I do hope the best for them anyway. I'LL MISS YOU ALL!!

***

I've realised that alot of things are happening this time around. It's the season of change. A new batch of staff is coming to Friday's. I'm 18 now and I feel like I have to be more mature, to live up to my age. Also, things at home are changing. As for now, I can't be sure if it's for the better or worse. Everything is a little rocky now. Sometimes I just wish I could tell someone everything that's on my mind without them telling me what's on theirs. I know it sounds selfish but I just want some one to listen to me, to nod once in a while as I'm rambling. Once I'm done, then you can start. Once I get that of my chest then I don't mind being your sounding board. I just need a sounding borad of my own first.

Anyway, I'm in the mood for cooking. I'll make some cupcakes, and then dinner. GOTTA GO!!