Awkward Smile and Confused Eyes

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty dejected yesterday and in the past few weeks.

I wrote my feelings out on a piece of paper (typed out on an electronic paper but those are just minor details) and it felt good to get the words out of my head.

This morning, I was feeling a little better. Still gloomy but not terribly so. As the day went by, I laughed a little, on social cues. Then I laughed a little more because people were being funny. And eventually, I started laughing because I wanted to.

My lecturer was funny, my friends were funny, my new friend was funny and even though the sky accurately reflected my morning mood, my heart felt lighter.

I did kinda sink a little before I left uni. I had a good day and the thought of being locked inside my own head again was a little daunting. My heart reflected the sky, just then.

So I got on the bus after a calming hug from Peter. I tried very hard not to scowl. I focused on my  new shoes and kept telling myself to  lighten up. It was a mantra in my head. The bus went along it's merry way, headed towards the LRT station.

Then a guy boarded the bus. He took out a deck of cards and started to shuffle it in like a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he stumbled, sometimes he was so quick. Being the tactless little weasley that I am, I just stared at his hands, shuffling the deck, flipping cards and doing tricks.

He saw me looking and so he said he had way too much free time on his hands. Then I watched him practice a little more. After a minute or so, he asked me to pick a card from the deck. He did a little 'magic' trick where he shuffled the deck and found my card.

I saw the trick though and I told him so (yea Kath, strike at a guys ego before you even introduce yourself. Genius).

Anyways, we started talking a little after that. He's name is Joshua and he's an ADP student. He's been shuffling cards with style for about 6 months and he thinks I look like I'm 18 years old (What's new? When he said that, I just said, "Yea, I know." Perfect, if I wanted to sound arrogant.) I told him I was from Shah Alam and he proceeded to say something in terrible BM (he admitted he was terrible at it ok) and I said I've heard worse (not much worse, to be honest, but one point to me for not damaging his ego even more).

Then we reached the station and went our separate ways.

What I realised the whole time was that I couldn't help myself from smiling this really awkward new person smile (which he had on as well). That's ok. To be expected. But my smile was accompanied by thoroughly confused looking eyes. That's how I greet new people when I'm on my own. I smile awkwardly and look at them like I'm a confused Castiel trying to figure out how to work sarcasm in season 4 (a Supernatural fan might get that reference. If you are not an SPN fan, then it simply means I looked very, very, very confused)

.I should work on my socialising skills.

On another note, the experiment meeting went well, I think. We managed to decide on a few important details. We're making progress and I think we can pull this off. I sure hope that our research is sound. If it's not..... NO. It is sound. We're covering all the bases. EVERYTHING, EVERY BASE SHALL BE COVERED!

I thank God for this good day. I felt him today, in all the joy. Not so much in religion though, just God.

You Are Mine

This week, CDM's 3rd newsletter of the year was finally published. This issue focuses on youth. Most of the articles in this issue was written by various youths from CDM. On page 1, the article is by me!! :)

I'm pretty excited about it. It's a great feeling to have your work published, even in something as simple as a newsletter. Everyone who has a copy would have read it. It's amazing, really. :)

Anyways, that's number one. Number 2 is this: Mass today was great. We went in late because our BEC conducted the breakfast sales today so we had to clean up. We managed to sneak in just as father started his sermon.

The gospel today was from John 6: 41-51. It's the "I am the Bread of Life" reading. Father said, during his homily, that we all suffer from some degree of spiritual dryness. He said that sometimes, we feel like nothing is right. Like the whole universe is going wrong and everything is going wrong in your life, your job, your relationships. And you reach a stage when you either just want to numb the pain or that you're so numb and all you want is to be able to feel something again and how some people do that by self-harming.

My eyes were immediately swimming. On Tumblr, I follow some blogs. And I know from what they post that they're good people. But they also go through so much and a surprising number of people suffer from depression and resort to self-harming, just so they can feel something again. I couldn't help but think of them today.

My heart aches for them, all those people in the world, especially the young ones who suffer so much at such a young age. The only way they know how to respond is by cutting themselves. At the same time, I'm amazed at how many of them actually don't want to do it. They just don't know any other way. They try so hard and they help each other out. When someone says that they managed to go for 2 weeks without cutting, then it's cause for celebration. And if they relapse, it's time to flood their inbox with encouragement.

Father said today that this state of being, this darkness we sometimes feel usually means that we also suffer from spiritual dryness. Today's readings are all about how God is our life. He feed us, he is our manna from heaven. "'I am the bread of life,' says the Lord, 'he who comes to me shall not hunger.'" I've never understood a Sunday message so clearly before.

Just listening to father speak really hit my heart in a way no sermon has before. I just want to give everyone a hug, tell them that the world isn't such a terrible place. That happiness and fulfilment is entirely possible, if only we remember that it is.

Today, I was wholly present in mass. And it felt great.

And that song at the end, 'You Are Mine'. I think everyone should have that on their playlist, on shuffle. Because I'm sure that if you do, then God (or the universe or Gods or Goddesses or whatever works for you) will make sure that it plays just when you need it to. If only we remember that in everything we do, God is with us, then we'll always know for sure that there is no such thing as infinite sadness. We will know that joy comes, it always does.

Today, I knew for sure that I'm on the right path in my life. I know what I'm supposed to do.

Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.

Jeremiah 29:11 - I Will Get My Candy!

Do you know how frustrating it is to be stuck inside your own head? It's like, everything you are, everything you do and think is contained in this tiny orb that is your head and there are times when it all gets a little too much or too bright that this orb might just explode.

That's how it feels to be me at this moment. I can feel all these thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head and there's nothing I can do to slow it down or make it less swirly. Actually, there is something I could do but it's not a good idea for me to do it. Throwing stuff around may be therapeutic but it's not good behaviour. So, I remain stuck.

This reality I'm in is no fun at all. Everything around me is moving at a simple speed. Just the usual calmness of everyday life. And then there's my head, in which I'm stuck, that's moving so fast, I can barely comprehend what's going on let alone figure out how to slow it down.

It's like I'm in a soundproof room with windows. Inside, everything is just so loud I can barely hear myself think or make sense of any one noise. But at the same time, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I can see the chaos (not literally because you can't actually see sound) but there's nothing I can do about it. Like, I can't actually hear the chaos but I know it's there so my brain makes me think I can hear it. Projecting or something like that.

There's this constant banging noise in my head. It's just there and I can't make it go away. It's become too distracting that I can't hear what's going on around me. I mean, I can hear it but I can't seem to make sense of it. I hear someone speak but I don't fully process it.

The only time I can calm it down is when I turn up the music. When I let music into my ears, the noise relaxes. It's still there, loud as ever but more organised. Kind of like it's dancing to the tune or something. It's better. But when the music stops, the thinking starts and I'm back to square one.

I feel bruised and battered. My mind, my emotions, my mental well being has been hit by a baseball bat so many times, I've lost count. I don't think I can take any more. And yet, here I am, taking more hits because  there's really no other option for me. I am that kid, walking through a rose bush, being pricked by thorns and stung by bees but I keep going because I was promised candy on the other side and by God, I will get my candy!

Because God promised me. Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

I believe in God and I believe in his promises. This keeps me going. My future is out there, waiting for me and I'm going to reach it. It's only a matter of time... and lots of noise before I finally get to it. This journey will shape me and mould me. It will not destroy me.

As for the moment, I think I'll revisit the idea of throwing stuff around. To destroy is to create, right? So, maybe I should sculpt (breaking stone or wood into something that resembles something else sounds promising) or maybe I should build something (nail and hammer sounds perfect to me) or take up kickboxing (I doubt that will ever happen).

* Jer 29:11. It was the best confirmation gift I ever received. From the Spykermans

Dear Mother Nature, CC: GOD

After facing the cold for 24 days in Europe, coming back to the Malaysian summer is really hard to handle. Before this, Malaysian summer was hot but this is just bordering on unbearable. I'm literally melting everyday. I go to sleep melting, and I wake up melted.

I think it's safe to say that I've melted off what little fat I had left on my body. This is just too much la. All it took was 24 days in 7-8˚C weather for my body to reject heat. Really? C'mon, body, you've lived in Malaysia your whole life. You can do this!

On top of everything, one of the fans in the hall decided to malfunction today. Not just any fan, but the one nearest to the PC. This is some sort of punishment. I bet it is. I mean, this is like some major heatwave la. Ok, maybe not the fatal kind, but still, it's terrible enough to warrant a complaint.

So this is my official complaint:

TO: earthcare@mothernature.org
CC: info@GOD.org


Dear Mother Nature,


I'm Kathleen Fernandez from Malaysia, Earth. I'm writing to you today to lodge a complaint on the current weather conditions here in Asia, specifically, Malaysia.


The weather has been incredibly hot these past few days. I use the term 'incredibly' very loosely here for I can't seem to find a big enough word to express the current state of hotness. It's verging on the unbearable.


The plants all around are screaming for water (according to Klausner, who has the sound machine that enables humans to listen to plants). According to Klausner, the plants are dehydrating. They are losing their leaves due to a lack of water for transpiration and photosynthesis.


Also, animals are running around panicked because of the scarce natural water supply. Cats and dogs are secretly invading households and while some humans do relent and allow them to drink from their pails, not all humans are that kind. Therefore, the animals are suffering.


As for the humans, we are melting in this heat. While it does wonders in burning off fats (especially for those who find it hard to exercise), the heat is also making us sweat a whole lot more causing a massive dehydration pandemic.


We require your assistance, Mother Earth. Please, send us some rain. We need the showers. We need some cooling off.


Please and Thank You,
Your human,
Kathleen.


p.s: I CC'ed this to GOD. Maybe you can work something out with Him?

Love, Sanity & Faith (or Lack of It)

So, on Saturday, we re-arranged the furniture in the hall. The junk is all out and things were moved here and there. The hall now looks much bigger and much less cluttered. I like it! We were thinking of re-painting the hall. I suggested different colours for each wall but that suggestion seems to have led to a discussion on my sanity:) Today, I waged war on my room! I was fighting from the crack of dawn (10am to be exact) till way after lunch time. This first battle ended with almost 75% of my room re-organised and cleaned. All that's left is the junk under my bed which I feel requires a whole day to itself. This battle may be won the war is still on. I have two weeks (13 days to be exact) to raise my flag in victory.

The rest of the day I spent catching up with Nadiah. We haven't seen each other in a while but when we met it was like we were never apart (I sound so romantic... haha!). Anyway, we had fun telling each other tales about our new school (UiTM Penang for Nad & LaSalle PJ for me) and our favourite subjects (Cooking for her & BM for me). She's really enjoying herself and I'm glad. I really missed having her around and I know that all too soon I'm going to have to say goodbye again but I'm not going to think about it just yet:)

Moving on, I'm pretty sure that my sense of timing and bad memory when paired together will hurt me one day. I accepted Nad's offer to break fast with her tomorrow but I forgot that the Tuesday that I planned to go out for dinner with my family is actually this Tuesday (tomorrow) which means I'm going to have to cancel with Nad. I feel terrible because this is the second time I've had to cancel with her and both times were my own fault. Of course, she understands but I just feel bad for doing it. I'll make it up to her:)

A few of things I just felt like posting:
*Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc After this, therefore because of this
*Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
*I said to ma today, "I lost my sanity when I cut my hair" and she replied, "You need to have something to be able to lose it". My dear mother:)

Divine Humour

God is a funny man. When I was feeling so upset and frustrated with almost everything, I found a way out. A new adventure to take my mind away from the darkness. Once I get there, I won't feel like this anymore and things will get better. Just as I confirm my leaving, he springs on me some beautiful moments. It's like he's testing me, trying to see if I really want to this new chapter for myself and not for some obscure reason like escape.

The very same day I took the first step of a new adventure, he showed me that I'm not a loser in everyone's eyes. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. The next day, he shows me that I wont be forgotten, that I have friends who will actually miss me. After that, I just felt so happy to be where I was that I started wondering; 'maybe I'm not supposed to leave'. But no, I'm leaving anyway, because I know that if I stay I'll fall back down. These moments I was gifted with were not meant to make me stay. In fact, they were planted in my life just to give me some confidence and to help me understand that everything I want in life is possible. Also, I realised that I'm not someone who can stay in one place for too long. My biggest fear is being stuck in a routine my entire life. That's not me and I wont let that happen. I'm going to make sure my life is an adventure all the way. I want to explore and experience. I'm working on it and I'll make sure it happens.

Avatar

The modem was out for a couple of days and this blog was meant to be posted on Sunday night. So, I'm going to do it now instead and hopefully I get everything out and don't miss anything that was on my mind that day.

I went to the movies on Sunday night with my brother, mother and cousin. We watched Avatar. I have to say that I wasn't really keen on watching this movie. I've heard good things about it but it just didn't attract me. So, I entered the cinema with no expectations at all (which I think I should do all the time). I actually enjoyed the movie. The storyline was pretty basic; lost hero saves a village (or planet in this case) and ends up happily married to the chief's daughter who was initially betrothed to someone else. I'm not complaining though, because Avatar was a really good version of that kind of storyline. The effects were superb and the imagination behind the movie was excellent. The whole idea of another race (the Na'vi) and their culture was beautiful. The various plants and animals and traditions were well thought out. I particularly loved the idea that the Na'vi would pray over the creatures they killed (they'd rather not kill anything at all) and thank them for their service (as food) or apologise for killing them. We depend on one another (remember the circle of life??) and that should always be kept balanced and not taken for granted or abused. Something I think we humans have not mastered. So, lesson one: be thankful and don't let greed or pride overcome you (which, I'm sorry to say, is happening non-stop among us, myself included).

The other part I loved about the movie was the faith the Na'vi had in their God/Deity/Great Mother. It was simple and strong. They were different individuals but all united in their faith. The way they prayed when trying to save the scientist was mesmerising. They were united physically and also spiritually. When the hero, Jake Sully, was praying to Eywa (the Nav'i God) to help them through this mess (the war), the Chief's daughter, Neytiri, told him that the Great Mother does not take sides, she only ensures the balance of everything. It made sense to me because God doesn't take sides does he? God helps everyone. Anyway, towards the end when all hope seemed lost, the various animals on the planet came to their aid and saved the planet. Neytiri cried, "Eywa heard you! She answered your prayer!". So, lesson two; don't mess with God, especially if people have that simple faith in God, because he can undo you as simply as he made you.

Finally, I loved the fact that the hero found a way to become a Na'vi forever. That way, he can stay with his bride and he can use his legs (he was disabled as a human). It was expected (the whole happy ending thing) but it was crafted very well and it didn't feel artificial. I also liked the part where Neytiri found Jake in human form and called him 'my Jake'. That was just so romantic. It got me (yes, I cried!).

So, that was it. Avatar. A good movie, well thought out, well made, well edited and well played. I haven't been this into a fantasy world since reading my first novel (I was completely immersed that I sometimes thought maybe all this fiction was real, or could be real). If you haven't watched it, please do so soon!!

2nd Chance Home

We visited the 2nd Chance Home (its linked BTW)in Old Klang Road today. Just to spread the christmas cheer. The men staying there were ex-convicts trying to rebuild their lives. It was definitely an experience. They all accepted that they have to change to live a better life and I have faith that they won't relapse because they're all just good people with bad pasts. We sang some carols for them and one of the founders told us about his own past experience. Apparently, he too was an ex-convict and he found God while in prison. His story was amazing. It wasn't anything special like a miracle or what not. It was simple. He told us about how he developed a fever when he first entered jail and how his 12 cell mates all wrapped him up in their own blankets and lifted him towards the one, small, 40 watt light bulb so he could sweat the fever out. That got to me. You hear stories about how prisoners are all mean and bullies and thugs but when you hear something as sweet as this, how can you not feel a little lifted by the fact that these prisoners have some good left in them?

Anyway, the house itself was amazing. It was a one story banglow. The ceiling was wood and the whole house was just so tidy (it had the characteristics of my dream house). There was a board of rules and regulations in the hall for the residents to follow (something I think all homes should have.. haha!) with the usual rules you'd expect. There was this one man (for the life of me I can't remember his name:( ) who would be leaving the home in 2010. You could see the excitement in his face. He kept telling anyone who would listen about leaving next year. How happy he'd be to go back to life and his family, to make them proud.

One thing they all have in common is their unconditional love for God. It's really something to see these men speaking so lovingly and reverently about God. I was born into my faith. Don't get me wrong, I love my religion and I love God, but to see people who are so obviously attached to God and who would follow his word wherever it led them was abit unnerving and mostly just spectacular. They made me feel ashamed about the times I've forgotten God or didn't have enough faith. I guess this year is all about finding faith in my faith (hehe.. see how I played around with the words?) and God just wanted to squeeze in another lesson before next year. :)

So, that was a great experience that I felt I should share. Most people and groups or organisations visit old folks home or orphanages (nothing wrong with that) but people rarely visit homes like this. So it was fun to get a chance. Thanks for tuning in.. LOL!

Can I get any more bored??

This is what I do when I'm bored. I write. Only now I'm a little more high tech. Anyway, I'm feeling a little lost right now. I'm almost done with my SPM (or O-levels)and I'm more than a little afraid of what's coming up next. I have no clue as to what I want to pursue when I go to college or university. I like reading and writing so should I study English? I want to help change the world so should I do politics or law? I also like helping people figure out their problems so should I do psychology?

I was thinking this through a few days ago til I almost lost it. I was so frustrated and confused. I felt like I was trapped in a box with no way out. But most of all, I was afraid. I was probably headed for a major meltdown. I wondered how could God let me down? How could he let me feel so lost? Why did he leave me in the dark? I prayed and I prayed asking for help. Then I remembered someone telling me that God can only help me if I let him. So I sat still and quiet, listening. Slowly but surely I started feeling much better.


I just accepted that even though I may not know what God has in store for me but I know he has a plan. Something that was meant for me. I just have to go with the flow and not plan too far ahead. This helped me out a lot. Being someone who always has a plan, it was hard to let go and move on without one but I think I can do it now. It's like a revelation. It feels very refreshing to be able to live life as it comes. Day to day. In all this chaos, I've also gained something I've been trying to get for a while now. Patience. It's in my grasp and I can finally wait without agitation.

So anyway, this is this week's revelation. Stay tuned for more! haha:):)