Do you know how frustrating it is to be stuck inside your own head? It's like, everything you are, everything you do and think is contained in this tiny orb that is your head and there are times when it all gets a little too much or too bright that this orb might just explode.
That's how it feels to be me at this moment. I can feel all these thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head and there's nothing I can do to slow it down or make it less swirly. Actually, there is something I could do but it's not a good idea for me to do it. Throwing stuff around may be therapeutic but it's not good behaviour. So, I remain stuck.
This reality I'm in is no fun at all. Everything around me is moving at a simple speed. Just the usual calmness of everyday life. And then there's my head, in which I'm stuck, that's moving so fast, I can barely comprehend what's going on let alone figure out how to slow it down.
It's like I'm in a soundproof room with windows. Inside, everything is just so loud I can barely hear myself think or make sense of any one noise. But at the same time, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I can see the chaos (not literally because you can't actually see sound) but there's nothing I can do about it. Like, I can't actually hear the chaos but I know it's there so my brain makes me think I can hear it. Projecting or something like that.
There's this constant banging noise in my head. It's just there and I can't make it go away. It's become too distracting that I can't hear what's going on around me. I mean, I can hear it but I can't seem to make sense of it. I hear someone speak but I don't fully process it.
The only time I can calm it down is when I turn up the music. When I let music into my ears, the noise relaxes. It's still there, loud as ever but more organised. Kind of like it's dancing to the tune or something. It's better. But when the music stops, the thinking starts and I'm back to square one.
I feel bruised and battered. My mind, my emotions, my mental well being has been hit by a baseball bat so many times, I've lost count. I don't think I can take any more. And yet, here I am, taking more hits because there's really no other option for me. I am that kid, walking through a rose bush, being pricked by thorns and stung by bees but I keep going because I was promised candy on the other side and by God, I will get my candy!
Because God promised me. Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
I believe in God and I believe in his promises. This keeps me going. My future is out there, waiting for me and I'm going to reach it. It's only a matter of time... and lots of noise before I finally get to it. This journey will shape me and mould me. It will not destroy me.
As for the moment, I think I'll revisit the idea of throwing stuff around. To destroy is to create, right? So, maybe I should sculpt (breaking stone or wood into something that resembles something else sounds promising) or maybe I should build something (nail and hammer sounds perfect to me) or take up kickboxing (I doubt that will ever happen).
* Jer 29:11. It was the best confirmation gift I ever received. From the Spykermans
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