Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Wandering Wonderer

I am wide awake. Therefore, I've been thinking.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, I want a farm and a Psychology degree. But how do I get there? 2 more years till I get my degree. But what about the farm? How do I get there? What do I do right after my degree?

I have no idea. I do know that I don't want to spend more time studying. I know the importance of getting my masters but I do not want to get into it so soon. No. I've already spent 15 years studying and I have 2 more years ahead of me. I want a break.

But what do I do?

I cannot honestly choose a career path based on what little know? I mean, do I know what being a doctor is or what a therapist has to do?? I want to try things before deciding. I want to work in a vineyeard or a mill. Or both. I want to pick tea leaves and care for victims of war. I want to counsel children and tend to horses. I want to be a clerk and a cook.

I want to try everything I can. I want to discover the world. I want to figure out what interests me. Right now, I have no passion. Nothing really drives me.

That's the problem.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

At the moment, it seems like I'm headed to be coming a nomadic soul-searcher. That doesn't sound too bad, really.

Self-Absorbed Little Me.

I've been listening to songs today, songs that I love and therefore, I've been emo-ing all day. I don't really know why. Probably all the loneliness la. I can't stay in the house all day again. I really don't want to.

So, I'm going to go to Pyramid tomorrow. Just window shopping. I will fight hard not to go to Fridays because I really don't need all that hurt. 

I shall, however, buy me and mama some book lights and maybe even find that tank top.

I was looking for some ebooks online (free downloads) but I couldn't find any. So then, I looked through Liz's thumbdrive. Lo and behold, I found The Hunger Games Trilogy!! Also, a few other books that I wanted to read too!:) Awesome. She also has the Inheritance Cycle, sans the 4th book 'cause it wasn't released till a while ago.

Anyway, my kindle may not be as well stocked as Mama's is but I think I have enough books to last the entire Euro trip. Don't know how much reading I'll be doing anyway. Oh well.

I can't wait to just go. An escape is welcomed. Like, seriously. I want to just go. No contact with everyone here. I want to immerse myself in foreignness. When I come back, I will be a changed person (I'm unsure of the exact details of the changes that will eventually take place). The rest of the world will be the same but I will be a changed person and maybe that'll help me.

This year seems to be limbo. I haven't started Uni (my own choice) 'cause I want to start in September but at this moment, I don't know if I'm going to register in time (my other voice: I'm sure I will. I'm just worrying unnecessarily). Ahhh!

Swoon Worthy!

Hi again:) This is a 'musings' post.

First up, I want to talk about a guy. I met this guy while I was at work today (just a one-day work thing). He was about my height, had short hair but not like spiky short - more like Bieber-ish (I really couldn't find another word to describe it!). So anyway, it was as long as how Bieber used to have his hair, he also had this knitted hat, wore skinny jeans and a ring or two. 

This guy had a very vibrant aura about him. He smiled happily and in a breezy, care free way. He was so friendly! And his voice was... I really don't know how to describe it. To me, it was like hearing Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam singer). Not the same tone or sound but the feeling I get when I hear it. It's like I'm suddenly calm and I can just close my eyes and listen to it all day. It was soothing and at the same time, I felt like I was in a cocoon and his voice just wrapped around me. 

That sounded so cliché and/or weird but that's what it was like. This guys is probably... no definitely, the best looking guy I've seen with my own two eyes. I think it's not only his looks but also his sense of style, the way he walks and his aura. It all tied in to become this one, amazingly 'wow' guy. He definitely goes on the top of my list of hottest/most charming/best looking guys (if I actually had one)

I thought Orlando Bloom was great. Well, I'd pick this guy over Mr.Bloom at any time of any day. 

:)

Now, the next musing spawns from this post that I found on Tumblr:

It's funny, how when someone says they love you, and you can't really feel it, but when they say they don't love you anymore, you can feel every ounce of what was drain out of your entire being.

I've never thought about it but now that I have, I find this quote to be very accurate. We say 'I Love You' so often and it's good that we do because it helps us realise that there is love in the world, and that we are loved.

The thing is, we sometimes don't appreciate it enough. Sure, we hear someone say that they love us and we feel loved. What we don't feel is inexplicable gratitude and relief and love. We feel all that but not in the amounts that we should.

We become quite used to love that we don't truly appreciate its presence. Am I making any sense?

The quote really explains it all. When we hear that someone who once loved us (whether deeply or simply) doesn't any more, we suddenly feel the pain. It's like we had this piece of flesh on our body, so perfectly blended into our entire self that we don't realise it there. Then, when it's ripped from us, we feel the pain, the void of what was once there. 

Some people say that "I Love You" has been used too much till it has lost its power. At one point, I believed it. But now, I think we haven't used it enough that we've forgotten its true meaning and the immense effect it can have.

Tell people you love them because love can never be over rated, and cherish the love you get because love is too painful to lose.


P.S: If you are a regular reader here (and even if you are not), you should know that I published this right after I published the previous post. So chances are, you haven't read the previous post yet. Just sayin'. Keep scrolling!