Create

Once again, my brain is working faster than I can type. All these thoughts and emotions are bouncing around in my head at a speed that, I'm sure, is faster than either light or sound.

This coming Wednesday marks the end of my first year at uni. It's pretty exciting. One whole year of studying psychology. It's been great. I've made friends and I've learned so much. To think that I have so much more to learn! Human beings truly are remarkable creatures.

Sometimes, when I remember that I have to write a thesis in my 3rd year, I start to worry. I panic and even consider dropping everything. But then the next day, I go for class and I realise that when the time comes, I'll know what I need to know in order to write an A+ research manuscript. I don't feel so scared after that.

In the mean time, I'm oscillating between being annoying and being annoyed. Sometimes, I'm both. Interesting though humans may be, they're also extremely irritating. I find myself being frustrated by people so often, it's a wonder I don't explode. But then sometimes, I see people and I love talking to them and listening to their stories. To be honest, I prefer listening. I love stories. And I like being around people. They don't even have to speak; just being in the presence of another human being calms me down. And then again, there are moments when people are being people and I just want to be alone.

Anyway, while we're still on the subject of two extremes, I'm torn between being who I am and being who I want to be. I am opinionated, childish, and laid back (too laid back, according to my career counselor). I like who I am. I like being the opinionated, childish young lady who doesn't care about peoples perceptions of her. But then sometimes I feel like I want to be more mature and classy, more accessible, and have something to be passionate about. When I make an effort to be less childish, I feel like I'm living a lie. It's uncomfortable. Yet I want to be mature. That's a pickle if I've ever seen one.

For now, I'm going to keep to who I am and hope that maturity and wisdom comes with age. As for being more accessible; I will work on it on and off, when I feel like it. And passion, I've yet to discover one for myself. Some people have music, some love art, some can talk for hours about biology and politics. Then there's me. I feel very blank. I don't have a passion. Not really. There's not one thing I can talk about in detail, for hours on end (unless you count Harry Potter).

I don't have a clue as to what might interest me. I've never been naturally talented at one thing. My talent, I'd say, is being a quick learner. So I suppose what I need is to find one thing that I love doing and start doing it. But that's the whole problem. I like a lot of things. I like arts and crafts, I like making things with my hands, I like writing (but I know that I lack imagination), I like eating and I like baking. The thing is, I've never been able to just focus on one thing. I prefer doing it all in small amounts.

Also, since I'm more of a learner, I feel a little lost when I bake, paint or write without guidance. Kind of like I'm walking in the dark. I don't like not knowing what to do. So then, I just bake (write and paint) a little, once in a while, without trying too hard because I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

That reminds me of a quote. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is this: once you let go of your fear of making mistakes, then your can create art. What I think it means is that I should not worry about mistakes, mistakes do not exist in art. Art is expression and expression is subjective. There are no mistakes in subjectivity. This reminds me of another quote; stop chasing perfection because it does not exist. I feel that applies to art as well, any kind of art. I just haven't been able to do that.

I suppose the moral is, I should just do what I enjoy without trying to be perfect. I should just create and create till my bones decay. I just need to find the right kind of art.

Right-Brained!

Supposed to be posted yesterday (29/09/2010)
School was kind of normal (as normal as possible, that is). We had a short career talk before school ended. It was very interesting. We filled out a personality form and found out the kind of people we are (left- or right-brained) and the kind of job that suits us.

There was something about peripheral vision, moving forward & focusing but never losing sight of everything else that's going on. Something ma already taught me! :) When I was working at Carismen Dolce, I did some data entry work and at the beginning, I was so focused that I ignored everything and everyone else around me. Then ma told me that I shouldn't do that especially in the store environment when customers can enter at anytime and needs to be tended to. So, lesson learnt!

After that, the guy told us that there were three kinds of people in the world. People who;

We're supposed to be the ones who make things happen of course.

And then there was this whole thing about the difference between having a career and a job. A career  being a lifetime appointment and something you love and want to do. A job; something you just do in exchange for cash. Obviously, I want a career. Though what that may be is still a mystery to me. After the personality test, I've found out that I'm a right-brained kind of person. Yellow and Red are my colours, which symbolises someone who is emotional, charismatic, prefers chaos and is definitely weird on some level. Not bad, considering...