Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone.