Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.
I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.
I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.
I guess I can start now.
Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.
Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.
I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.
I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.
I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:
- Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
- Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
- Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
- Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
- Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading.
- Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
- You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.
To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now.