A year...and nothing

I've been fooling myself for over a year!

I thought I've been diligent about saving up. I mean, sure I spent some cash a little for myself, but I actually thought I put away a decent amount. But I was only lying to myself, living blissfully in my ignorance.

The only money I have saved up is really just from the kutu I've been paying for a year and what my godfather gave me as a graduation gift. It's ridiculous. I've saved up literally nothing since I've started working. Not even from freelance work!

I spent a bit on Simple Plan. That was the biggest purchase. But I expected to have a little bit more. Where did I spend all that money???? Road tax, but that wasn't a too bad. I'm so frustrated with myself.

Get a grip! You need a  better plan since this one is obviously not working well at all.

Maybe I should put away more kutu?? Maybe should create another account that I won't look at regularly. And of course, the best is to just be more disciplined. I should be able to save a decent amount each month but I've been carelessly spending on stuff that aren't entirely necessary. Like toners and shit. I mean, I can live without that. And eating out is just super expensive, especially at work. I have to get my spending under control.

I'm really frustrated right now.

I've been stressing about saving up for London for almost a year and now, less than I months away from my trip, I realise that I haven't saved more than a couple hundred ringgit. I am disappointed in myself. You can do better, Kat. You should do better.

Revisiting mind worms

This was something I thought about a while back, and I've been revisiting it quite often recently.

It's nice to be called special. And it's weird to hear people say it while your heart is acknowledging it, as if you knew this all along. Someone told me I'm a special woman and I shouldn't settle. I felt touched that this person thought so highly of me. Another time, a friend of mine told me she thinks I'm fascinating and that my mind is both magical and intriguing. Sometimes I catch my mother looking at me with so much love and..surprise maybe like she can't believe how unusual I am (not sure, maybe I'm projecting).

All those moments and moments like that felts unbelievable. Yet at the same time, I also feel like I already know this, I know I'm special. At first I was afraid to admit it. To be honest, I'm still a little afraid. I don't want it to go to my head, I don't want to be full of myself and arrogant. But I do know that I'm special, that I'm capable of great things, that I'm interesting and wonderful and eccentric and strange.

Is that a contradiction?

Acknowledging this knowledge or at least starting to acknowledge it and accept it gives me this sense of liberty and in turn, power. I feel strong and able. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop doubting myself and just accept the fact that I'm special so that we can move on to bigger and better things already. That once I can fully embrace my specialness, I can start doing all the incredible things I know I can do and the things I want to do. I can achieve.

I think once I let myself fully understand and believe in my specialness, I can be totally liberated.

I think this is one of those lessons that will take me some time to learn. It's one of those lessons that all of us will need some time to learn.