A year...and nothing

I've been fooling myself for over a year!

I thought I've been diligent about saving up. I mean, sure I spent some cash a little for myself, but I actually thought I put away a decent amount. But I was only lying to myself, living blissfully in my ignorance.

The only money I have saved up is really just from the kutu I've been paying for a year and what my godfather gave me as a graduation gift. It's ridiculous. I've saved up literally nothing since I've started working. Not even from freelance work!

I spent a bit on Simple Plan. That was the biggest purchase. But I expected to have a little bit more. Where did I spend all that money???? Road tax, but that wasn't a too bad. I'm so frustrated with myself.

Get a grip! You need a  better plan since this one is obviously not working well at all.

Maybe I should put away more kutu?? Maybe should create another account that I won't look at regularly. And of course, the best is to just be more disciplined. I should be able to save a decent amount each month but I've been carelessly spending on stuff that aren't entirely necessary. Like toners and shit. I mean, I can live without that. And eating out is just super expensive, especially at work. I have to get my spending under control.

I'm really frustrated right now.

I've been stressing about saving up for London for almost a year and now, less than I months away from my trip, I realise that I haven't saved more than a couple hundred ringgit. I am disappointed in myself. You can do better, Kat. You should do better.

Christmas Emo-isms

Christmas is over! So soon. Actually, it isn't over yet. Twelve Days of Christmas, remember? So, yay!

Anyway, it was a good Christmas this year (like every year). First up, people actually came (not like last year). They arrived and food did not get wasted. One thing though, I'm not good at entertaining people in my home. What am I supposed to do? I feed them, sure, but what then?

I'm a listener and an observer. Therefore, I make a terrible host. I just sit there and look at people. I can't start conversations. I don't know how. So, my guests end up getting quite bored and they leave early. Hmm.. that's so my fault. Oh well, never again! I really don't want to do an open house when I get my own place. The mess I have to clean up and being tired and the noise level - it's not my thing.

Another good thing this year was that I got 'Vanilla Cream' from Nad! Vanilla cream with REAL vanilla pods! OMG! That is awesome! It tastes great. So far, I've eaten it just like that and with bananas. I've only seen a vanilla pod once in my life. I saw it in a bottle at a market. RM23 for 2 pods. That's daylight robbery man! Nad managed to find some vanilla pods and she made me vanilla cream for Christmas. It's definitely the most delicious present ever! :)

Anyway, other than that, I got a bag and a tiny notebook (I love notebooks!). Nice things. I'm happy.

Actually, no. I'm not completely happy. I shouldn't be complaining or whining about this. I have so many nice things already. I just thought I'd get something else this year. Something I really, really wanted (and still want) but I didn't get it. I'm upset. I shouldn't be and it's shallow of me to be but I can't help it. :(

I definitely appreciate what I have, though. I guess I'll just get it myself later when I start working. Hmm.

Now for the emo part of my day. I haven't been all that jolly these past few days. I'm not actually sad or anything but I just seem to lack that happy spark. I can't put my finger on it. I can sense this gloomy aura or something. Weird.

People around me have been moody too. Maybe I'm rubbing off on them? They're all emo with me. What did I do la? It's kind of frustrating. I mean, I don't do anything to upset you, so then why are you upset with me? If you're upset with something or someone else, don't tunjuk muka to me la. I'm alone all day, you know. So, I really don't like facing emo people.

Imagine having to spend the entire day in you own head, then at the end of the day, you have to face emo-isms. C'mon la. Gimme a break. This is why I like to go out. I like spending time with my friends because they like talk a lot and they make me happy. After a few hours with them, I can face all the emo-isms you put in front of me. It wont be so bad.

I terasa la.

Oh! I just thought of this (thinking about it whilst typing so this is a fresh thought!). Maybe part of the reason I'm happy-less is because of Dillon. When he came yesterday, he was already tired and worn out. I terasa because he didn't want to play with me or even acknowledge me. I stayed out of the way because I could not have faced his rejection in front of my friends. I mean, I talk about him so much in school. I tell everyone about how cute he is and how he likes playing with me. What if he started crying (because he was cranky)? That would break my heart man. Being rejected by my own baby brother in front of my friends. No thank you.

Yea, that's probably part of the reason. Well, i hope tomorrow makes me feel better.

Right now, I'm going to study all the GYHO (get Your Heart On, for you who do not know) lyrics. I want to commit them all to memory, hopefully by this week. My own Simple Plan study week. What could be better!


Btw, Nad introduced me to this BLOG. It's great! Go check it out:) (Right now I'm pretending that there's someone reading my blog other than my mother. I honestly don't know if there are other people who read this. If there are, thanks! Leave a comment once in a while la)


:/

Dude, I've Lost The Signal!

Hello!?

Are you listening? Can anybody hear me? Or am I talking to myself?

That's how I feel sometimes. Not invisible, just mute. I spend most of my day talking to myself. And since I'm talking to myself, I just use brainpower. No actually voice is needed. But when I do talk to other people, I feel like I'm not actually being heard.

I say things, tell stories I wanted to tell, describe my feelings and wonder aloud, but it doesn't seem to penetrate. I stay mute. Where's the button? Can I please be heard?

That's really all I want. Someone to listen. To listen to me and then contribute their thoughts. Instead, I always end up cutting my sentence short because my words don't seem interesting enough for people. They just end up saying whatever is on their mind. It's like they weren't even listening to me. Like they couldn't hear me speak or even see my lips move, let alone comprehend what I was saying.

It's quite frustrating. Imagine this; you're living in your head the whole day. No one else to contribute to the conversations you're having with yourself. Just you and the ever faithful crack pack in your head. Then when you finally get the opportunity to have a real conversation with someone non-imaginary, you can't. Not because you lost your voice from lack of use, but because they aren't interested enough to hear you.

They just want to talk. They're not even remotely interested in what you have to say f it has nothing to do with their chosen subject. So why waste your energy? You just nod along, saying a sentence or two in between pauses. Why bother trying to steer the conversation to something you want to say? They're never going to listen anyway. That's what I feel like.

However, it doesn't stop me from trying. maybe I should stop, though. Because losing over and over again just becomes harder and harder. Which only leaves me with one option. Create more imaginary friends!

I Want My 0.3!!

Dinesh taught us something in school today. It's one of the exercises he had to do for T4YP. Some theater thing to help with pronunciation.

We have to say 'everybody' then 'verybody' followed by 'erybody' and so on. Do you get it? We start with the word 'everybody'. Then, that is followed by the word 'verybody' which is 'everybody' minus the 1st alphabet. This, then, continues on till you are only left with the last alphabet.

It's a real work out for you jaw-muscles!. Try saying it over and over again, increasing your speed as you go!

Fuuh! My cheeks are aching right now. But it was a lot of fun! :)

Anyway, school was ok. Mina was absent (after telling me to make sure I turn up for school!). But things were still ok. We had some major dramas, though. Our CGPA's were affected because the computer system churned out the wrong marks for all of us. Seriously! Many of our CGPA's really dropped! When they fix this, and I hope they do, my CGPA will go up by 0.3. I know that sounds small but trust me, it's plenty.

Another thing was that our Literature marks weren't included. Which means, our CGPA is based on only 3 subjects as opposed to every one's 4 subjects. The SU Peperiksaan insisted that we find a way to include Literature in our trials. And we did! We made sure our teacher had a question paper for us and that she marked in in time for our class teacher to key it all in. But they didn't! Susah, susah only la.. :(

Apparently there's a reason for this but we couldn't find the SU Peperiksaan to ask her. I'm going to make sure I ask her tomorrow. I'm really upset. This is so unfair! How are we supposed to apply for any early scholarships or early acceptance without Lit? Lit was the whole reason for me going to La Salle in the first place. For the course I want to do, Lit is a major upside. Without that on my trial results, it's useless!

Gimme my Sijil Berhenti Sekolah! Hmph.... :(

p.s: Nesh loved his present and so did Visha. Mina, well, we'll find out tomorrow.

Only 39 DAYS to the beginning of the end!!