And so my road, is pretty much wonky and wobbly and very not-straight. I seem to trip a lot on pebbles and weeds. There are trees everywhere; some old and graceful, looming over me protectively, and yet some are big and scary,hovering menacingly and casting shadows. I dare not move off the road, though I must say, the temptation is strong.
Wait, let me re-phrase that. It's not that I don't dare, its that even though I really want to sometimes, I don't. No because of fear but because of faith. I see the wonders of veering my pathway in a different direction. It's alluring, tempting. The feeling of total recklessness and freedom. Complete freedom. Who wouldn't want that? It's to die for - so may have died for freedom, as our history books tell us. No worries, no commitment, no expectations, no bills. Just you and the world, the raw world of living. I want that, and have wondered, more than once, what it would be like to live that way.
Alas, I end up always sticking to my path. I don't mean that with regret. I actually love my life. I just sometime wonder what it's like. I feel like I'm headed no where now, so why not try everything? It could be a lot of fun. But no, I don't do it. I have faith, no matter how much it wanes sometimes, that my path is set. I'm heading in the right direction, generally.
The specifics need to be worked out though. Like, which tree do I keep track of? Which weed do I pull out? Should I re-arrange the pebbles? and should the birds nest here or there? It's all a big pile of decisions to be made. My landscape, my scenery, unfolding according to my whim, based solely on my decisions. That's how I see my life. Right now, I can see, very clearly, about 20-30 years in the future. I have it planned out. The getting there is what stumps me. I have no idea what lays between here and there. But then again, it's up to me now, isn't it, to decide what goes on along the way? So, I should be able to light up my path. Not as easy as it sounds though.
My interests are many. I skim the top of every surface I find, mostly because I'm curious. The problem is, I don't seem to have the urge to go deeper. Of course, I can make myself sink if want to, that's completely possible when it comes to me. However, there is no passion to guide me. I have not found a single thing that is enticing enough to get me going. Nothing that is heart pounding, blood rushing, attention grabbing, or even remotely passion-inducing to get me excited about. I need to figure this out. I need to know if there is something out there for me.
Hmm... Anyway, I just found a nice little clearing along the path where I can pitch a tent. So it seems the universe is telling me to stop. Good night then fellow Earthlings, you are great! :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Mask, Is That All We Are?
It's like the rug has been pulled from beneath my feet. Whenever someone asked me who my male idol was, his named leaped into my mind. Not only was he a good player, he was also a family man, no scandals following him around like a dark cloud. Ryan Giggs was a hero of mine, I totally adored him, he was the main reason I even watched a football game. I loved his walk, his voice, his values. But hearing the rumours, and truth, makes you think about the world and the masks people put on.
An affair with a model which he tried to cover up. Just when my heart started to crumble, just when i thought it could not get any worse, it did. An on again, off again affair with none other than his BROTHER'S wife! Dude, talk about morals. Don't you think you hurt your wife enough, your family, your fans? Was the pressure of being a good example to heavy for you? Or is this actually who you really are? Either way, I feel ashamed for you. I feel hurt and betrayed, and your wife would be even more so.
How dare you? How could you have thrown everything you had aside like it didn't matter? It doesn't matter why you did it, what matter is that you actually did it. You gave into being a man, you forgot you values and just stopped caring the moment you did this. I am, seriously, feeling so let down, words can't even help me explain it. I'd love to just curse at you and tell you that you're not even human anymore. But I wont. You need to get help, you need to work things out and try to make it a little better. You know you can. For your family, for your fans, and for yourself. You failed, we know that. But don't fail again, please.
An affair with a model which he tried to cover up. Just when my heart started to crumble, just when i thought it could not get any worse, it did. An on again, off again affair with none other than his BROTHER'S wife! Dude, talk about morals. Don't you think you hurt your wife enough, your family, your fans? Was the pressure of being a good example to heavy for you? Or is this actually who you really are? Either way, I feel ashamed for you. I feel hurt and betrayed, and your wife would be even more so.
How dare you? How could you have thrown everything you had aside like it didn't matter? It doesn't matter why you did it, what matter is that you actually did it. You gave into being a man, you forgot you values and just stopped caring the moment you did this. I am, seriously, feeling so let down, words can't even help me explain it. I'd love to just curse at you and tell you that you're not even human anymore. But I wont. You need to get help, you need to work things out and try to make it a little better. You know you can. For your family, for your fans, and for yourself. You failed, we know that. But don't fail again, please.
Friday, June 3, 2011
The La Sallian Way of Life
I'm back from Ipoh! Those days were definitely memorable! (Though if you asked me right now, I can't remember everything we did (: )
Let's kick off from the beginning. We arrived at the La Salle Centre in Ipoh at around 5pm. There were already a few people there by that time. I met my room mate, Mary Ann and the three guys got their room right next to mine. We left our bags in the room and went exploring!
The whole centre was beautiful. There was a small pond of Koi fishes and trees everywhere. There were also about 5 or 6 aquariums of fishes. From goldfish to love parrot fishes and even snails! And tadpoles too, can't forget the tadpoles. That was just the La Salle Centre. There was a gate that lead to SMI. St. Michael's Institution is HUGE! The building is so old and well preserved. They have a huge football field and basketball courts. The classroom door are big and wooden. They also have what the natives call 'the 5-star toilets'. It is amazing! Really like the ones you can see in hotels. Oh, and they also have CCTV's at every corner of the school.
So that's the environment. Now let's talk about the people. My room mate is a Michaelian. There were also Georgians, Paulians, Xavierians, Josephians (Kuchingians), and some others I can't quite remember right now. All the boys were really nice. Martin Jalleh conducted most of the camp and Isaac (who works at the La Salle Centre) conducted the final part. Martin Jalleh was, of course, as good as ever. He had that infamous laugh of his, and all his jokes, old and new. I had a blast during his sessions. We also met Bro. Vincent, an 82 year old La Salle brother, Bro. Michael and Bro. Matthew. I really like all of them . They all have the gift of the gab. Whenever they spoke, they knew just how to hold our attention. Perfect when handling a bunch of teenage boys!
The sessions really help me learn a lot about myself, and La Salle and how to handle the world and my encounter with God. As Bryce said, it was a change. We all changed in one way or the other. It seemed like we had just as much free time as we had sessions. We had about 5 hours of free time on Monday afternoon. Bryce, Jon, Kevin and I sought the services of Michaelians to show us around the area. They took us to Ipoh Parade. I loved it there! It's just like Subang Parade but less. They have tons of shoes and clothing stores as well as cool graffiti T shops. I bought myself a red, green and yellow skull cap. The next night, we went to their version of Petaling Street but a lot less intimidating, Gerbang Malam. There were countless stalls selling phone covers. One guy even had a stall as big as four put together. Phone covers were hanging everywhere! I found the cover I wanted for my phone and Bryce found 2. We also bought a huge bouncy ball for Bryce's little brother. After that we took a taxi back to the La Salle Centre.
Now, We had a lot of fun there, as you now know. However, we also learnt a lot. I, for one, found out a lot about our founder La Salle. He was of a rich family but the sight of young French boys running around, too poor for school moved him to start a school for them. He was an amazing man who put God first and let God work magic through him. Slowly, his order grew and before he knew it, they were being summoned to other places to do good work. But, even La Salle had trouble. He retreated to Parsimony for a few years, tired of life and problems. That did not stop him though, for he received a letter from his fellow brothers requesting his presence. So he complied. All us La Sallians owe La Salle a whole lot. It's because of him that we now have beautiful schools set up for us us, helping us grow in a spirit of oneness and camaraderie. It's the La Sallian way, so I've learned.
I'm glad I had the chance to to experience La Salle. It's my last year here and I feel truly blessed to be a La Sallian (even though I started late in life :P ) The people I met and the things I've learnt are beautiful. The experiences and bonds are irreplaceable.
On the down side, I may never see many of them again. We all have each other's numbers and email so maybe there might be a chance, you'll never know. I'm definitely going to keep in touch with my La Sallian side:)
Another down side is that this camp has made me realise that I do not have a clue as to where I'm headed in life. I postponed my worry after SPM but now, I have to face it head on. I'm gonna be out of school in a few months and I need a course of action. A plan. I'm felling pretty lost right now. I need Fr.PM to get back soon so I can talk to him. I think he might be able to guide me a little.
Hmm, I guess for now I'll have to do some silent meditation. See where that leads me. Oh well, World, here I come!
Let's kick off from the beginning. We arrived at the La Salle Centre in Ipoh at around 5pm. There were already a few people there by that time. I met my room mate, Mary Ann and the three guys got their room right next to mine. We left our bags in the room and went exploring!
The whole centre was beautiful. There was a small pond of Koi fishes and trees everywhere. There were also about 5 or 6 aquariums of fishes. From goldfish to love parrot fishes and even snails! And tadpoles too, can't forget the tadpoles. That was just the La Salle Centre. There was a gate that lead to SMI. St. Michael's Institution is HUGE! The building is so old and well preserved. They have a huge football field and basketball courts. The classroom door are big and wooden. They also have what the natives call 'the 5-star toilets'. It is amazing! Really like the ones you can see in hotels. Oh, and they also have CCTV's at every corner of the school.
So that's the environment. Now let's talk about the people. My room mate is a Michaelian. There were also Georgians, Paulians, Xavierians, Josephians (Kuchingians), and some others I can't quite remember right now. All the boys were really nice. Martin Jalleh conducted most of the camp and Isaac (who works at the La Salle Centre) conducted the final part. Martin Jalleh was, of course, as good as ever. He had that infamous laugh of his, and all his jokes, old and new. I had a blast during his sessions. We also met Bro. Vincent, an 82 year old La Salle brother, Bro. Michael and Bro. Matthew. I really like all of them . They all have the gift of the gab. Whenever they spoke, they knew just how to hold our attention. Perfect when handling a bunch of teenage boys!
The sessions really help me learn a lot about myself, and La Salle and how to handle the world and my encounter with God. As Bryce said, it was a change. We all changed in one way or the other. It seemed like we had just as much free time as we had sessions. We had about 5 hours of free time on Monday afternoon. Bryce, Jon, Kevin and I sought the services of Michaelians to show us around the area. They took us to Ipoh Parade. I loved it there! It's just like Subang Parade but less. They have tons of shoes and clothing stores as well as cool graffiti T shops. I bought myself a red, green and yellow skull cap. The next night, we went to their version of Petaling Street but a lot less intimidating, Gerbang Malam. There were countless stalls selling phone covers. One guy even had a stall as big as four put together. Phone covers were hanging everywhere! I found the cover I wanted for my phone and Bryce found 2. We also bought a huge bouncy ball for Bryce's little brother. After that we took a taxi back to the La Salle Centre.
Now, We had a lot of fun there, as you now know. However, we also learnt a lot. I, for one, found out a lot about our founder La Salle. He was of a rich family but the sight of young French boys running around, too poor for school moved him to start a school for them. He was an amazing man who put God first and let God work magic through him. Slowly, his order grew and before he knew it, they were being summoned to other places to do good work. But, even La Salle had trouble. He retreated to Parsimony for a few years, tired of life and problems. That did not stop him though, for he received a letter from his fellow brothers requesting his presence. So he complied. All us La Sallians owe La Salle a whole lot. It's because of him that we now have beautiful schools set up for us us, helping us grow in a spirit of oneness and camaraderie. It's the La Sallian way, so I've learned.
I'm glad I had the chance to to experience La Salle. It's my last year here and I feel truly blessed to be a La Sallian (even though I started late in life :P ) The people I met and the things I've learnt are beautiful. The experiences and bonds are irreplaceable.
On the down side, I may never see many of them again. We all have each other's numbers and email so maybe there might be a chance, you'll never know. I'm definitely going to keep in touch with my La Sallian side:)
Another down side is that this camp has made me realise that I do not have a clue as to where I'm headed in life. I postponed my worry after SPM but now, I have to face it head on. I'm gonna be out of school in a few months and I need a course of action. A plan. I'm felling pretty lost right now. I need Fr.PM to get back soon so I can talk to him. I think he might be able to guide me a little.
Hmm, I guess for now I'll have to do some silent meditation. See where that leads me. Oh well, World, here I come!
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