I am human, I am human, I am human

Warning: This post is mostly a rant about how socialising sucks.

I thought that as I grew older, it would be easier to deal with other human beings. Man, was I morbidly mistaken.

Why are friendships so hard to maintain? Heck, why are they so hard to start? I know, because the world is filled with people all yearning to be understood but barely anyone is ready to understand.

Why am I irrationally upset? Is this hurt even irrational? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

I have no answer for any of those questions.

All I know is that I'm upset. I hate being treated like I'm such a terrible friend when in fact, I know I'm not. I don't back stab people, I am honest without being hurtful (at least I always try to be) and I even make an effort to remember important dates (I'm terrible with dates. I'm your stereotypical guy). Yet, I get treated like a bag of yucky rotten bananas.

I don't even want to try and fix this because what is the point of investing your feelings when you're only going to end up hurt anyways?

I am not a bad friend.

I am not the best but I am human and so are you. Is this an excuse? HELL YEAH IT IS. It's also a fact.

I think I deserve better than this. I think WE deserve better than this.

All that talk about accepting people for who they are and not forcing them to change to your idea of a good person but rather letting them find their way to change for the betterment of themselves. What a load of bull.

I am pissed (as you can probably gauge from my writing).

I don't like playing social mind games. Just don't. Be up front with me. I can take it. What I cannot take is all these mixed signals, shadow play and misty intentions.

I'm a simple girl. I like my alone time and my small band of friends. Power play is not what I'm after.

God, socialising is a pain in the nether regions.

Dreadful Subjects, Really.

Well, here I am, sitting on my bed with my laptop (his name is Benjamin and I shall refer to him as Benji from now on) trying to study.

In fact, I've been trying to study for the better part of the last 24 hours. I have an exam on Saturday. Two, in fact. Malaysian Studies and Moral Studies. Both are subjects I'd rather not do but I have to as it's compulsory. 

Both are also extremely boring subjects that make me question why these subjects are required in the first place. I mean, ok. I get why Malaysian Studies. I need to know the basics; what this country is founded upon, the current economic policies and budget, the way a government ministry functions and the twenty five different ministries in the Malaysian government. Fine. You want the younger generation to be well informed. But do we really need to have in depth knowledge on the traditional Malay kingdoms? Do we really need to know what a laksamana does? WHY? This information is irrelevant in this century.

And then there's Moral. Full of ethics and morality. Different teachings and theories, views and beliefs. Ways of thinking. Do you really think I'm going to benefit in any way from knowing the basis of the principle of duty. Do i really need to know the difference between deontic and aretaic judgements? Really? Is that something that a person would use in every day life?

I get that you want us to learn and be well rounded individuals. I get it. But teaching, hell, cramming, twenty different principles, theories and formulas of decision making based on morality is not going to help. Not really. Sure, we learnt a little bit of this and that but none of us is really going to employ any of this new found moral knowledge. I don't think I'll ever use the Hedonic Calculus when making any decisions. 

So, tell me again, why are we being tested on this? 

Oh that's right. This is what it all boils down to. 

A grade. A CGPA. 

In which case, I'm not doing too well. I don't know what my current status is with Malaysian studies but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm passing by a hair. As for Moral, I know for sure I'm only passing by a hair. If I get less than half for my final paper, then I'm done for. I'll need to resit subject. Not a happy thought. 

However, I know this is all my fault. I should've put more effort into it. Read more for Malaysian studies. Focused more on Moral. I was never one for keeping up with current affairs. I suppose this is my lesson. 

Ergh. 

Only Benjamin can save me now. I have notes to read. I can deal with Moral. The notes are quite helpful. In depth stuff. But Malaysian studies will be hell. I have a rough guide, rough notes. I just hope that they're enough to help me score a pass.

Funny, isn't it? How a mere pass was almost an abomonation when in primary school but as you get older, a pass is acceptable, desirable even. Is it because the subjects are tougher or is it because we stop trying so hard?