Conscious Appraisals

I've been thinking (never a good sign, hmm) and I realised that I know where I want to be in the future. As in, I know what I want to be doing, the kind of person I want to be. However, I have no idea how I'm going to get there. The in-between, the journey... it's unknown to me. I have no clue and that scares me a little.

The fear of the unknown.

Someone asked me today if I was scared of anything and I suppose this is my biggest fear. Not knowing. Going in blind.

Also, I was thinking about character building. About how people choose to behave. The traits they choose to have or ones that occur naturally.

I suppose most of us do it unconsciously  We observe people and events in the world. Our experiences shape us. They shape our behaviour and how we react to anything. Either through Classical Conditioning, Operant Conditioning or Observational Learning, we develop traits.

But sometimes, we consciously learn. When we choose to break a habit, we do it consciously. We tell ourselves to do, or not do, something. We make an effort to shape who we are and what we may become.

My question is, how many of us actually do that?

I've learnt by now, that people do not behave in ways we think they might. People always surprise us. Often times, we think that we're the only ones who are weird. We may be the only person, save perhaps a handful of others, who eat apples with peanut butter. However, sooner or later, we find out that the apple-with-peanut-butter eating population is not a small one. There are other people out there in this world, in this huge world, who are just as weird as we are.

That doesn't make us any less special. No. But it also means that humans are not as different from each other as we like to believe. We share common traits. With more than 7 billion people on Earth, you'd be hard put to find one person who has a trait or habit that is unique to them.

Anyway, back to the point. Do we consciously shape our behaviour? I suppose more people do it than what I might originally think.

I know I do. When someone says something to me or if I read a line from a book, something that touches me or hits me profoundly, I tend to take it to heart. Suddenly, I find myself consciously changing. For example, I used to have a really short temper. I was always being teased and I never had any patience for it. I would sulk and get really upset. I'd say things and lose my temper quite a lot. Till one day, my mother told me that I shouldn't take everything to heart. That kids are just playing around and they mean nothing by it so I should not get so angry.

As soon as I heard her say those words, I felt my entire mind just shift. I decided that what my mother said was true and I should not lose my temper. From that day on, I consciously worked on it. Every time I was close to losing my temper, I'd tell myself, "Be calm. Patience. Brush it off."

And I think it worked. I have (or I'd like to believe that I have) my temper in check now (with the exception of my brother; he just hits the right nerve every single time). I don't get touchy when people tease me and I've learnt patience.

Currently, I'm working on "I'm sorry". A friend of mine pointed out that I don't actually sound sorry when I say it. For example, when I tell them that I can't join them for a movie and I apologise, she says that I don't really sound sorry. She feels like it's just something I say, like an automated response.

So, taking it to heart, I decided to change. I say sorry only when I really am sorry or if I can make sure I sound sorry. And when I am sorry, but cannot be sure that other's see my sincerity, then I do not apologise . For smaller things, like declining a movie invite, I don't say sorry because even though I am sorry, it's not grave enough for me to actually sound sorry.

Does that make any sense? No? Well, that's what I thought.

Why should I not apologise just because it doesn't sound like I'm sorry even though I actually am? My face is, when I'm completely focused, disconnected to the emotional center of my brain so my emotions don't show on my face. Which means that even though I truly am sorry for something, I may not actually look the part. But that should not discount or devalue the weight or truth of my apology.

I think it's unfair for anyone to tell me that I don't sound sorry enough.

So now, I have to tell my brain to readjust and stop trying to fix what is not broken. I shall apologise even though I run the risk of not sounding sincere enough. I took those words to heart and I've started to consciously alter my behaviour but now I feel really silly for even doing it in the first place. Now, I have to stop the process.

It's quite confusing.

Sorry for the chaos.

To end this, here's a quote from Doctor Who, The Rings of Akhaten (Series 7, Episode 8) about uniqueness [on a side note, I think this is a beautiful thing to say to someone who might not think they are worth anything]:

All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Galel. And there will never be another. Getting rid of that existence isn't a sacrifice, it's a waste!

Learning

I learnt an important lesson this week. Emotional support. I'm a problem fixer. When someone is upset or whatever, my first thought will be, "How can I fix this? How can I make you not feel sad or upset?".

But I know now that it's not always about 'fixing' a problem. Most of the time when people share their problems and worries with you, it is not to because they want you to present them with a solution. What they usually want is to know that you care. It's knowing that you care about how they're feeling and that you are there for them and that you love them.

At the end of our last Social Psychology lecture, Dr.Chua showed us a video of a couple getting therapy. The husband said something very important. He revealed that he now understands that what his wife wanted from him all along, that is emotional support. When she was upset, he'd shut down because he didn't know how to respond to her. But now he understands that all she ever wanted was for him to be emotionally engaged. She wanted him to know what she's feeling and be her shoulder to cry on.

Funnily enough, I thought I understood this after watching the video and maybe I did, but I didn't realise I was doing exactly what the husband did until later. A friend pointed it out. And suddenly, I got it. It's about being there for someone and saying, "Yes, I understand what you are telling me and I am here for you to lean on."

I hope I always remember this.

Moving on, I read this (though perhaps not in so many words) somewhere: "We can get up right now and choose to walk away or change something in our life and there is nothing to stop us yet most us don't"

This got me thinking, maybe it's because we're scared of change. Maybe we feel powerless?

But really, we're not. Far from it. We can change anything we want about our life. All we have to do is start. All we have to do is take one step.

I think most of us are so comfortable with the familiar that we don't try to change anything even if it's bad. It's a sad cycle that I think we need to stop. We have to work very hard at learning that we are in control of our lives and we can be different. We can do what we want and achieve almost any goal. The sooner we learn this, the sooner our children will know that they too are empowered.

The only limits in life are the ones you  make