Paint Only Good Things

A close friend asked me once, "When your realise that a lot of people in your life can leave wounds in your soul, do you start wondering if they're worth it?" The answer is no. I never thought about it until she asked me that. But the answer I gave her came pouring out like I've had it in my head for years already. I guess I have subconsciously thought about (this point may not be relevant. I just wanted to point it out because the the human brain is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me).

Here's what I think:

Everything painful in life leaves a wound. Time heals it, sometimes without morphine. But most people do eventually heal. After that, you're left with a memory and a scar. 

Imagine you had a blank piece of paper and every person in life has a paintbrush. When you meet someone, be it for one moment or many moments, they leave a mark on your paper. Sooner or later, you realise that people sometimes leave marks that are not pretty at all and in a colour that you completely hate. So you stop letting people paint your paper because you don't want them to ruin it. You start by keeping them at arms length, fearing for the state of your piece of paper.

But still, some people are able to flick paint onto your paper. They get paint on the wrong spots and in the most horrible colours, even when you keep it so far away from them. So then you decide to put your paper in a glass case with whatever marks it already has. Your aim is, still, to preserve that piece of paper from further 'damage'. People try to paint it but the paint doesn't stick so they move on because life is about painting on other people's papers Eventually, you're left with that same old paper from the day you chose to box it up. The same marks, the same creases. Never changing. Stagnant. You don't allow for the chance that your paper might be painted by people who are beautiful and talented. You stand next to your glass encased paper and watch as people pass you by, insisting that you are better off like this.

Eventually, you get lonely so you finally decide to take your paper out of it's case because you want new paint on it and you think it's time. You are finally ready to take that chance. The moment you open the case, your paper crumbles in the air because the it's dry and brittle from being in the glass case for so long. There was no new paint to give it life, no wet paint to soften it. And all that you're left with is a pile of dust in your hands. No one else can ever paint it again because no one knows how to paint a pile of crumbled paper.

I think every person will leave a scar and everyone is worth it. At least until they start turning scars into fatal wounds. But till then, life is about painting other people's lives and trying your hardest to make sure you don't ruin their beautifully painted paper. Being wounded is a natural part of life. Without spots of intense ugliness on your paper, you'd never know how stunning the rest of it is. The point is to spread as much beauty as you can and to limit the amount of damage you bring into the world.

Everyone is worth the scars they leave you. Because the scars they leave you are what makes you special.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Assignment 2: Emotional Journal

That's what I have to do for one of my classes this semester. Since it's an official assignment, I need to also include journal articles and references but the basic idea is the same; write about one particular event that made me feel one particular emotion and analyse it, as one usually does when one keeps a journal.

I was really excited when I found out that this was the assignment. Here's why.

That's it. This right here, this blog. It's basically the entire assignment.

I write my thoughts down all the time. I talk to myself like this and at least half the time, I'm analysing emotional events. This will be a fun assignment, I'm sure. The tough part will be looking for journals but I think that won't be too bad because once I pick which three emotions (or emotional events) to write about, journals will be easy to pin down.

I just need to start going through my posts and things I've written these past two months. There isn't much this year compared to the previous years but I still have some pretty decent paragraphs. I can't wait to do this (once I eventually get started la... which will probably be sometime in the middle of March).

For now, I have an exam on Tuesday to worry about. I still have lots to read for this particular subject and I've not made any progress at all. I've been putting it off. What I do have is a bunch of excuses and complaints about why it's so difficult to get any studying done with the incredibly complicated notes that we have (notes that have been scanned and uploaded for us because the textbook is so bloody expensive and our lecturer is really kind to us).

I really need to work on this productivity thing (and typing without looking at the keyboard. I'm still a novice typer).

***

We talked about emotional regulation today. As predicted, we covered Freud's ego defense mechanisms: denial, displacement, projection, rationalisation, reaction formation, regression, repression, suppression and sublimation. We also talked about emotional coping strategies such as situation modification and cognitive strategies.

Basically, how to handle your emotions.

My favourite forms of coping with extreme emotional tidal waves are sublimation and rationalisation. Rationalisation is basically what I've always done. Going through a situation or event and making sense of it. That sounds easy to do and it sometimes is but also take a lot of thinking and analysing.

Sublimation is the more creative approach. When you sublimate, you channel the strong emotions into something productive like writing poetry or making any kind of art. Using those emotions as an energy which you then transform into something creative (or nice. Just... be productive).

I think that's a smart thing to do with your emotions. I think everyone should be exposed to these coping strategies. Many people are not familiar with the idea of emotional regulation. In fact, some people may not even realise that they can control or cope with their emotions. We are not soda cans that have been rolling around the backseat, just waiting to explode when we're popped. We are intelligent mammals who have undergone many years of evolution in order to be where we are today, with the most developed cerebral cortex of any animal in the known world. So, it should stand to reason that we are capable of managing our emotions.

We just need to be taught.