A year...and nothing

I've been fooling myself for over a year!

I thought I've been diligent about saving up. I mean, sure I spent some cash a little for myself, but I actually thought I put away a decent amount. But I was only lying to myself, living blissfully in my ignorance.

The only money I have saved up is really just from the kutu I've been paying for a year and what my godfather gave me as a graduation gift. It's ridiculous. I've saved up literally nothing since I've started working. Not even from freelance work!

I spent a bit on Simple Plan. That was the biggest purchase. But I expected to have a little bit more. Where did I spend all that money???? Road tax, but that wasn't a too bad. I'm so frustrated with myself.

Get a grip! You need a  better plan since this one is obviously not working well at all.

Maybe I should put away more kutu?? Maybe should create another account that I won't look at regularly. And of course, the best is to just be more disciplined. I should be able to save a decent amount each month but I've been carelessly spending on stuff that aren't entirely necessary. Like toners and shit. I mean, I can live without that. And eating out is just super expensive, especially at work. I have to get my spending under control.

I'm really frustrated right now.

I've been stressing about saving up for London for almost a year and now, less than I months away from my trip, I realise that I haven't saved more than a couple hundred ringgit. I am disappointed in myself. You can do better, Kat. You should do better.

Revisiting mind worms

This was something I thought about a while back, and I've been revisiting it quite often recently.

It's nice to be called special. And it's weird to hear people say it while your heart is acknowledging it, as if you knew this all along. Someone told me I'm a special woman and I shouldn't settle. I felt touched that this person thought so highly of me. Another time, a friend of mine told me she thinks I'm fascinating and that my mind is both magical and intriguing. Sometimes I catch my mother looking at me with so much love and..surprise maybe like she can't believe how unusual I am (not sure, maybe I'm projecting).

All those moments and moments like that felts unbelievable. Yet at the same time, I also feel like I already know this, I know I'm special. At first I was afraid to admit it. To be honest, I'm still a little afraid. I don't want it to go to my head, I don't want to be full of myself and arrogant. But I do know that I'm special, that I'm capable of great things, that I'm interesting and wonderful and eccentric and strange.

Is that a contradiction?

Acknowledging this knowledge or at least starting to acknowledge it and accept it gives me this sense of liberty and in turn, power. I feel strong and able. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop doubting myself and just accept the fact that I'm special so that we can move on to bigger and better things already. That once I can fully embrace my specialness, I can start doing all the incredible things I know I can do and the things I want to do. I can achieve.

I think once I let myself fully understand and believe in my specialness, I can be totally liberated.

I think this is one of those lessons that will take me some time to learn. It's one of those lessons that all of us will need some time to learn.

Cause those are somebody's kids too

People are dying in the world, and we’re too busy fighting over political correctness and protecting our own that we either don’t see the suffering anymore, or worse, we’ve desensitized ourselves to it.

Syria, a nation reduced to rubble due to civil war. The Burmese Rohingyas being treated as less than human by their own countrymen. African children are dying of HIV from lack of education and infrastructure. The horrors faced by prisoners in North Korean concentration camps. Ethnic cleansings, denial of rights, famine, disease, civil wars. These are problems that can be fixed. But we first need to stand up and say, I see this and I do not accept it.

I'm disgusted by how Malaysia treats people. Malaysia takes in Syrian refugees, give them documentation, homes, jobs, help them rebuild. But we turn a blind eye to the Rohingya, we turn a blind eye to the thousands of refugees on our shores that do not fit our mould of what is a human. Why is a Syrian refugee worth more to us than a Rohingya? Both are suffering and both need our help. Yet we only reach out to one.

Thousands of refugees in Malaysian live in sordid conditions because they aren’t recognised by the government. They’re considered illegal, so they can’t work, or enrol into public schools, and they live in constant fear of deportation to the country they risk everything to leave. What kind of people are we that we push aside people who are reaching out to us for help?

And what about the marginalised who were already in the country? We’re constantly building houses here. There’s a ridiculous amount of empty houses in Malaysia, and a ridiculous amount of homeless people. 1 + 1 = 2. The solution seems quite simple to me. Give them homes. Channel funds into reeducation and retraining. Help them acquire the skills they need to start taking care of themselves again. Build a strong support system so that if and when they backslide (everyone backslides, it’s inevitable), we’re there to help them find their way again. Why is that so difficult?

We don’t need 5km tall buildings and floating hotels. We need love and compassion and efforts channelled towards helping humans that need genuine help. Not building bigger boats, and houses, and planes so that well off people can continue building their empires.

We need people to change policy, to change social norms. Our current system is flawed, and you cannot tell me otherwise. There are people dying. Babies are dying from curable diseases, children are dying of hunger while the rest of the world wastes tonnes of food every single day. There is an imbalance that is choking the world, and yet, we turn a blind eye.

How can we just stand by while people are being systematically murdered? This is where my understanding of the world falls apart.

How can we just stand idly by? How are we not doing anything significant enough to help those who desperately need us? Why are we so determined that our skin tone or nationality makes us better than other people? Why is killing so normal for us? Why is not helping so normal for us? Screw the argument that humans are biologically driven to ensure our own survival. That’s bullshit and you know it.

Are we so weak in our principles that we cannot bear to help someone for fear they might ‘overrun’ us? Are we so selfish that we cannot give our neighbours half of what we have so that they might have as much a chance as surviving as we do? Are we so immoral that we value our own skin more that of others? Are we so selfish that we can only help people so long as they don't become better off than us? God forbid they take what we give them and make something of themselves.

Forget borders and nationalities and ethnicity and religion. We’re a global people now. We have to accept it and move forward. The us versus them mentality is not helpful anymore. Not for us nor for them. We have to be a we.

There’s a scene in The West Wing that makes this point really well. The two people were talking about sending US troops to intervene in a civil war in an African country. The conversation goes something like this:

CJ: The guy across the street is beating up a pregnant woman. You don't go over there and try and stop it?

Toby: The guy across the street is beating up anybody, I like to think I go over and try and stop it. But we aren't talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do that.

And that’s the answer many people will revert to, right?

Toby: Why are you sending your kids across the street?
CJ: Cause those are somebody's kids, too.

And that's mine.

We’re not cavemen anymore, and the survival of the human race is no longer just about our small little tribe. 

***

On a less serious note, how can we even begin to make contact and trade agreements with aliens if we can't come together as one world?

Blessed and trying to stay sane

Everyday, I think about how blessed I am. Financially: I have a roof over my head and I don't pay rent, I have a car and my mother pays the loan, I have a job and I make enough to cover my bills and expenses, and I'm able to save some every month.

Socially: I have a family that loves me and cares about me, a family that I wouldn't exhange for the world, chores are shared (mostly taken care of), friends I enjoy spending time with, colleagues that are generous and friendly.

Mentally and emotionally: I'm fully functional and able to exist within a society, I'm self aware and able to introspect, stable (I'd like to think).

All in all, I'm in a pretty good place and I'm grateful for that. I have the luxury of enjoying an overpriced Starbucks once in a while; I can buy make up and shoes and clothes; I can eat at cafés and restaurants; I enjoy my job; with some careful planning, I can go on holiday to a different continent; I feel loved and cared for.

Sometimes I start to wonder if I should wholly embrace this luxury and take one day at a time, forgoing any sort of long term plan because this is something I can afford to do right now: should I go backpacking? Become a full time freelancer? Get involved in innovative and exciting projects? Get a job across the world?

Or should I be practical: save up as much as I can so that I can buy a house one day? Make sure my five year plan ends up with me getting a Masters degree and entering the professional world psychology?

Part of me wants to be practical, because stability is reassuring. Part of me wants spontaneity because liberty is exciting. Some might say you can have both. That the liberty to be practical is still freedom, and I agree. Some might say spontaneity and practicality aren't mutually exclusive, and I agree too.

The challenge is in finding the balance. In finding a practical life that allows for liberty and excitement, a reality that doesn't feel like a chore and isn't uncertain. And the trick to not feeling stuck, at least for me, is to try new things. Life can't be boring or predictable when there are new factors to the equation.

So I have to make a point to eat new food, make new art, learn new skills or learn new tricks for existing skills, meet new people, try new exercises, bake new things. That's one strategy I have to stave off insanity.

The other, which I've learnt from personal experience and the experiences of others, is to declutter. Declutter my living space, declutter my mind, decluttery phonebooks and wardrobe and laptop and shoe cabinet. Declutter my ideals and ideas and goals. Declutter and organise what's left so that I have a clearer view of what matters to me.

Becoming December-me

It's strange. Everything is strange right now.

Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.

I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.

I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.

I guess I can start now.

Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.

Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.

I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.

I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.

I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:

1. Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
2. Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
3. Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
4. Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
5. Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading. 
6. Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
7. You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.

To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now. 

On feminism and being fair to men

I just had a passionate conversation with my family about feminism. It started with me telling them how the guy I know said that, as a man, he wouldn't want to read about a list of inspirational women. And that really bothered me.

Then we got into it about how focusing solely on one gender is unfair and goes against what feminism stands for...or is it?

My mum's argument:

1. Making the list just for women is not promoting equality because it basically disregards men. Instead, make a list of inspirational people and be blind to gender and choose the people based on merits alone. Do away with lists of just women or just men.
    
2. If we want to be equal, then it has to start with women, more so than men. That women have to accept themselves as equal to men, and only then will they be equal in society's eyes.
    
3. That women are not at the forefront as much before because sexism kept women from doing great things and being competitive in various fields. Therefore it's reasonable that there were previously barely any women featured or highlighted in society. 

My counter:

1. Making a list just for women does not mean I'm disregarding men. If it was a list of inspirational people that was composed of only women, that would be unfair and dismissive of men. But a list of inspirational women is just highlighting the many women that I find inspirational, and it's okay.
   
   Women are who I relate to. It's representational. And we all know representation is important. Seeing a male astronaut is inspirational but seeing a female astronaut makes me feel like I can do it too.
   
   Men don't have to worry much about representations of gender, they're represented everywhere. What I'm trying to do with a list of women is to showcase women who have inspired me, women to women.
   
   I think that great not just for me, but other women and girls out there who don't get to see their gender represented as people who are capable and incredible, who aren't told that they too can be inspiring.
   
   And sure, do away with separating genders in terms of award categories (best male lead and best female lead, like why? maybe just to have more awards to give out kot). But highlighting women who inspire me or highlighting women who are historically important, I think that's perfectly fine.
   
   In fact, I think that's entirely necessary seeing as women have only just recently been in the spotlight for that. We need more if we want to level the playing field.
    
2. Starting with women. Well, sure. I want women to know that they are equal to men, that they deserve equal pay for equal work, that they deserve respect just as much as men and that they are worth just as much as men. I do agree that women need to believe in the fight for the fight to have an impact.
   
   But I disagree that just by believing in this that equality will be attained. Just believing in equal rights is not enough, we need make sure we work for it. I can't just believe I'll have dinner and then magically a plate of food appears at my table. I have to believe and then act on it to get what I want. I think it works the same with feminism or any social justice cause. Actions are what changes the world.
   
   I also think the 'women more so than men' is untrue as well. It should be 'women, as much as men'.
    
3. This I disagree with as well. Yes, men were leading in many fields because women weren't competitive in it (because they weren't allowed to study or work in fields dominated by men), but even where women were leading, even in fields where they made an impact, women were tossed to the wayside, not mentioned; the spotlights shone on men instead.
   
   For example, Rosalind Franklin, a chemist whose research was critical in the discovering the double helix DNA structure. We know that Watson discovered DNA but there's no mention of Rosalind Franklin.
   
   Or Nettie Stevens who discovered the X and Y chromosomes. Yet her co-worker Thomas Morgan was credited with the discovery and he received a Nobel Prize for it, and he even dismissed her involvement by saying she was more of a technician than a scientist (seriously bro? WHAT THE HELL)
   
   That was back in the early 1900s. We're getting better at recognising women now, but there is much room for improvement. And that's why I think we need to make and effort, fight to have women be recognised for their work. Not to overshadow their male counterparts but to receive fair credit for their work.

I had  a bit of trouble articulating my point during the argument. I'm sure I got most of it out but my mum stuck to her points and I stuck to mine. And really. she totally agrees with me but she still also believes that women need to start being blind to gender and be inclusive. 

I just had to learn something about this so I talked to someone on a feminism blog that I follow. She's is great at articulating her points and I've learnt a lot about feminism from this blog. Her answer to this is hits the nail on the head, in my opinion. 

Fandomsandfeminism: Equality is a GOAL, not a method. You don't invite billionaires into soup kitchens in the name of equality. You have to raise up undermined groups to level the playing field.

That's what I failed to articulate: Equality is a goal, not a method. 

Committing to Adventure

How and when do you decide to just get out there and go for it?

I have a friend, Pei Ting – really just someone I know from uni whom I’ve talked to a couple of times before about our theses, and as far as I know, she has always been one for adventure – who is currently cycling around New Zealand.

She got herself a New Zealand working holiday visa, her bicycle and some hiking gear, headed out to the land of the long white cloud and started adventuring.

You can find out what she’s up to on her Facebook page. She posts beautiful photos almost every day with little snippets of her latest adventure. And I have to say, she really inspires me.

Seeing her posts on Facebook got me thinking about life. I’m sure at one point or another, we’ve all wanted to have an exciting life filled with surprises and adventure. 

Some people found a way to make it happen via working holiday visas like Pei Ting. Others become travel writers, some become plain ol’ adventurers, working their way through different continents, being as free as it is possible to be.

But that’s just a handful of people.

What about the rest of us? Those of us who want this adventure but somehow, we just never got around to it?

The other article I read today was on what older people regret in their lives. One of those regrets was being too caught up in striving for financial stability. Sure, money is important, but wasted chances are heart breaking.

And I really like that. I like knowing that taking chances is not a waste of time or effort, that being financially stable is not the be all and end all of life.

It's good to hear that from people who have lived long lives. Their advice is sound. And honestly, this isn't the first time I've seen or heard this little nugget of wisdom - it's timeless, always relevant.

Still, it’s easier said than done. I still want to be able to pay off all my student loans. I want to make enough money so that my mother doesn’t have to work any more. I want to feel secure so that I can make sure my family, now and in the future, are secure as well.

BUT, I also want adventure. I want to see the world. I want to be more than I am right now. I want to learn and explore. And I know there are tonnes of different paths I can take to make this happen. 

I could get a working holiday visa, work my way around the world. I could develop decent photography skills and become a photojournalist. I could apply for a job overseas. I could volunteer. And these are just the obvious ideas.

I’m sure if I do a little research, there are a million other ways for me to travel and find adventure. 

Also, adventure doesn't have to be of the globe-trotting variety. There's probably plenty of adventure right here. I just need to get off my lazy but and find it. 

There's so much to see and do in Malaysia, so much to learn in the world (and learning is so easy thanks to the Internet), so much to see that doesn't require much money. All it takes a commitment. 

Commitment can be scary. I know it scares me. I'm always worried I won't be able to keep up and that I'd eventually let people down, let myself down. 

But recently I was reminded to not be afraid of commitment. It's actually not that difficult at all. And I know that one of the reasons I've failed to be consistent in my commitments is because I've been focusing on the wrong thing. 

If you're always worried you're going to fail, then eventually you will fail. You are what you focus on. Visualisation is  so important in everything that you do, so why is commitment any different?

So I suppose the best way to find adventure is to commit to it. Visualise commitment, focus on experiencing adventure and then follow through. I have to choose to not be afraid of committing to adventure.

Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone.