Sad Case :(

Aww man :(
I don't know what's going to happen. My results are out, some of them. No improvement on PA. None at all. I got the same marks as in the previous exam. I really have to work on my essays :(

As for BM, it got worse. My essay was terrible! I thought I did good. I really did. I don't know how I went wrong.  I was really counting on this to be one of my better subjects. I feel like I failed. I'm angry about it :(

Micro wasn' too good either but I didn't expect any better. So, no surprise there. I'm working on it but at the same time I know that it won't be all that right now. As for Macro, I did quite OK for paper 1 which is great. I hope paper 2 is just as good.

This is terrible. Hmm...
Just needed to get that out.
:(

Facebook's Facelifts

I have to rant about Facebook. Just to make myself feel better.

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius, what with creating Facebook and all, but he seriously needs to relax. Facebook is getting too much plastic surgery for one who is only 7 years old. It's had, oh I don't know, 4 to 5 facelifts now. That's just too much, even for an adult.

OK folks, seriously, Facebook is changing too much. Yes, change is good. Esther Dyson (whoever she is) said, "Change means that what was before wasn't perfect. People want things to be better," and she's right. In fact, change is vital for the survival of any social network in this ever changing, ever growing world of cyber space, but, c'mon, don't you think changing the layout 3 times in about as many months is just too much change? (Notice how many times I used the word 'change' or some form of it? It's a literary device called alliteration, or some form of it la) ("La." That's another one, it's called using colloquialisms).

I created my own Facebook profile about 2 years ago. I was super excited. Here was a new social networking site that I could enter in without lying about my age and reconnect with people who I went to kindergarden with. It was a cyber space miracle, an entity of major proportions.

It was great, and it still is. More and more people started using Facebook and I began to climb the all-new social ladder of "who's got more 'friends'". There were games that I could waste my time on like Farmville and arcade-type games my mother is still addicted to. I can just log in (using my ultra childish and embarrassing, but secretly cool, email that my mother created for me when I was 11) and I'm instantly connected to the rest of the world! Everything I post, like pictures and status updates, are out there for the world to see. Now, even creepy, anti social, stalker-type, cyber punks half-way around the world will know that the chocolate I just had was "sooooo goood!!!!!!!." It's every parent's nightmare.

Anyway, Mr. Zuckerberg, then, introduced new security settings. Great, just what the police ordered. Now, I can make sure that only my friends are informed about the astounding goodness of the chocolate I just had. That's pretty harmless. The most they would do is come knocking on my door, demanding for a piece of that awesome chocolate. But, we're veering of course here. The more secure settings were an awesome addition. Parents, now, didn't have to worry too much. Everyone felt more protected and cyber space was a safer place.

However, the change kept on coming. Our 'walls', then, received a new design. The layout was different. Not exactly better but we got used to it and everyone survived, almost unscathed. You would have thought they were smart enough to stop there after getting dozens of messages about how terrible the new design was but we'd put up with it anyway because the service was invaluable (much more valuable than MySpace or Friendster, at any rate). But no, they didn't. They went on to adding groups, where people can share information with just a select group. Also, lists, where.. I don't exactly know what for. They even changed the chat box. It was now sleek and inadvertently connected to your message inbox (I still don't understand that). There were now dozens of notifications to be dealt with and more privacy settings to be readjusted. Everything every one does, every 'like', every 'comment', every friend made and every game played was plastered on your wall. It gives a whole new meaning to "Spam." Whenever I log in, which is quite frequently, I'm greeted by a mountain-high pile (cyber-ly speaking) of notifications and "recent news".

Now, do I really have time to scroll through 300+ recent news updates from people I rarely talk to? Well, yes, I do. And so, I sit there on my terribly comfortable, plastic-on-wheels, Ikea chair, looking through what everyone had been doing since I last logged off. If that doesn't already sound stalker-ish, then keep reading. If it does, well, keep reading la! :)

After going through those updates, I'm now pressured by society to post something of my own. Being me, I ignore that pressure and keep doing what I do; keep cyber silence and post what I wish, when I wish it. After all these major upgrades, I thought that Mr. Zuckerberg and his team of technical geniuses would take a break. Maybe go on a year long tour of the Amazon Jungle or something (I'm sure they could afford it).

Once again, I'm wrong. Those technophiles (new word I learnt) kept right on rollin'. Now, after a graceful few months of allowing the general public to, finally, get used to this new 'Face' of Facebook, we are awarded with another big bang. A facelift! This time, we can 'subscribe' to people. It's not enough that we can 'Like' various things such as TV shows, movies, jokes, phrases and even celebrities, now, we can also subscribe to people. I pity the famous. They don't stand a chance against this.

With this new subscription scheme, comes a little box on the top right corner of your screen. This box's sole duty is to give you a constant stream of updates depending on whom and what you are subscribed to. For example, I can subscribe to be constantly updated on friends' life activities, games they play, statuses, photos and videos. Who needs a wall with news feeds when I have this. One of my friend very bluntly posted this on her page, "Facebook, Stalking you always." Apt, exceedingly so, if you ask me. (And still, we stick to Facebook with every ounce of binary strength that we possess because, to be honest, it's totally useful. Also, we're all secretly dependent on this whole being-connected thing)

I understand the need for Facebook to be current and sophisticated. It's competing in a global market of social networking sites. It can fall just as quickly as it took down MySpace. What I don't get is this: Facebook was initially invented to connect people from a university with their families, via the internet. It started off on the right track. Connecting people and bringing old friends together is what it does. Now, however, everyone is turned into a cyber-stalker, whether you like it or not. Your privacy is no longer completely in your hands. You can opt not to subscribe to someone's every move, but you cannot opt to stop people from subscribing to you. That's a whole lot of privacy violations right there. It's like people have placed CCTV's in your room, without your permission.

Change is good, but there is a line. There is always a line. It cannot be crossed. The line will gradually move farther away, in which case, more change is required. This weird too-closely-timed change notwithstanding, I think Mark Zuckerberg and his team have done quite well. What they need to learn is that "All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward." So says Ms. Ellen Glasgow (whoever she is)

Time for a KitKat, guys. A hiatus might be in order. Why not give us some time to get acquainted and maybe even comfortable with this new "Face" before going under the knife again.

****

I did some research:

Esther Dyson - A 60 year old Swiss journalist, entrepreneur, and philanthropist.

Ellen Glasgow - Pulitzer Prize-winning American novelist who lived till 72 years of age, telling the story of the changing south.

A Car Is Like A Dog

Sometimes it's easy. I just slip into the driver's seat, turn the key and ease my way on. Everything works to my touch. The gear, the steering wheel, even the power windows. They're all compliant, fight-less, trusting. I can go anywhere. My wish is its command. I glide on smoothly - as smoothe as I can on a road plastered with pot holes. I feel like I'm in control, because I am.

And then there are times when this timid creature decides to play the raging beast. It fights me every step of the way. My every touch is no longer what it was. It's, now, always too.. something. Either too much or too little. I'm too hard on the brakes, too light on the oil, too abrupt on the wheel. Every turn I take is rough and every straight road journey I venture on is brimming with the inefficiency of the use of brakes, signal lights and gears, no matter how much effort I put into not wasting the 700 ringgit and countless hours spent at the driving school. It's like the I'm being told that I'm not worthy of it. Not worthy to control this astounding and most useful piece of invention.

Cars are temperamental machineries. They require a lot of care and attention. Regular servicing is what keeps it in tune; but that's not enough. You need to love you car. It's like a dog. It can feel when you're nervous or angry. And so, it doesn't always respond the way you want it too. Here's where we go wrong: it's not the car's fault, it's the driver's. When you don't give your car just the right amount of push, one way or another, you'll end up with a reputation of terrible driving.

Anyway, love your car!

Yoga vs Gym and What's next..

So, it's a debate. Should I start yoga classes, or should I get a gym membership?

Yoga:
It's calming and peaceful. There's little running or weightlifting involved, which is appealing to me. Yoga seems very.. me. I like the concept and I think it's a great way for me to learn to shut down my brain and just relax. However, it might get boring after a while and I don't know much about yoga. I can learn, yes, but I don't think I'm the 'focus-your-energy-to-your-centre-of-gravity' kind of person.Quiet, yes, but not that.

Gym:
Running, weightlifting and a whole lot of sweating. I might just give up after two tries! And then there's this: I can go when I'm free, but will I ever? However, I can do a whole lot of things at a gym. I can choose to exercise or join classes. Di samping it, My main aim is to get fit, build up some strength so I can do all the things I've wanted, like climbing Mt.Kinabalu. Also, it's easier to find a gym. Hmm..

And the conclusion is...!

GYM!

Now, the next question.. Which one?
Celebrity Fitness vs Fitness First

Celebrity Fitness:
They have a lot of dance classes and yoga. Variety is good. I can try out different things and see what fits. It's more aerobic, kind of what celebrities goes for, obviously. They're all glamorous and what not. It seems ok. They have personal trainers I can ask for advice from. There's a branch in Subang Parade, which is near. There's also a 7-day free trial I can apply for.
Price: TBC

Fitness First:
They have classes too but mostly exercising stuff like combat and cycling. They seem to be more fitness oriented and less glam (which is fine with me). Also, it seems like a place I can just keep to myself. I can just go there, exercise for an hour then go home. They have an assessment thing so I can figure out what kind of 'fitness programme' (their words) I need. There's a 7-day free trial here too. There's a branch in Asia Jaya (nearby, so I can go after school) and one in Summit and another in Empire (near home.. or as near as can be)
Price: TBC

Now, some phone calls have to be made. Also, some financial assessments. We'll see how it goes.

This Loop-D-Loop Brain of Mine

You see, the world is a crazy place. Or maybe I'm the one who is crazy. Well, either way, there's a whole lot of craziness going around here. I've heard songs about the world and it's insanity as well and many different variations of stories and poems. No one can deny it. If they do, they're blind and if they don't, then hey, they must be nuts!

I don't seem to connect (with people, I mean) and I don't want to either. I'm quite content with being the girl sitting in the corner, alone and away from the crowd; preferring to observe rather than participate. This, then, brings my thoughts around to that Paramore song which says,'and up until now I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness'. I think the song is called 'The Only Exception'. Well, my version would be the same, minus 'up until now', because I still feel that way. I really am happy. Well, sometimes being alone can be a little lonely but, hey, I'm content after all. So, what's there to complain about. I like being in my own little world. Sure, I have friends and family, all of whom are always there for me no matter what. Sometimes, I just feel like, even though they're around, they're not really around.

Maybe, maybe I just haven't found the right people to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, I think I've come pretty close to perfect with a few of the people around me. I love hanging out with my mum, cooking and shopping and just plain annoying her sometimes. And I also love time spent with Nad and Mina and a few other friends and family, but I hear myself call our for some alone time a lot. Especially when I'm surrounded by people I know but am not close to. You know, acquaintances, people you see in church or at a gathering.

I just don't jive with them (I do not think that was a proper use of the word 'jive'). For example, I cannot, try as hard as I might, to bring myself to understand young, materialistic and girly (maybe I could understand young it if wasn't coupled with the other two). I'm sure that's not all they are but this surface thing really puts me off. I cannot just say 'Hi', then spend the next 20 minutes pretending to care where you got your lip gloss from or who you're dating right now, because truth is, I really don't. I like people who can just stand silently and comfortably beside me, with no need of saying anything at all. There's just so few of them in the world. Most people are so uncomfortable with the silence they dub as awkward that I get all jittery just standing next to them. HELLO! Silence is not awkward if you just embrace it!

So, here I am, being content with loneliness. I do not have a problem with that at all because I know exactly (in a way) where I'll be a year from now and the thought of that - being in a new place, surrounded by new people - gets me thinking that I'm not losing anything at all. I'd probably lose contact with all these acquaintances anyway, so why bother even taking the effort to turn acquaintances into friends?

But then again, and this is my brain doing its usually loop-d-loop, maybe its the friendships we benefit from; the company and experiences that shape us. That and the goodbyes. I know, I may not know how I know but I know, that without those experiences, I'd be a completely different person. I wouldn't know myself at all. This journey, this convergence of roads between friends (acquaintances' roads do not converge, they merely run parallel to each other quite closely for a while) is what changes our course, much more effectively than an acquaintance's.

Electrons, Green and Time Travel!

No, it's not easy. Writing I mean. Well, no, not writing. But finding the time, and most of all, the energy, the drive. It's not all that simple. There are words, forming in my head. Hundreds of words, weaving in and out, forming sentences; sometimes coherent, sometimes gibberish. It's like... I don't know, exactly. Like, tiny sparks of electricity, connecting with each other, slowly, till they become one long, meaningful thread of thought. Everything that is going on around me - smell, sight, sound, feeling - everything is recorded by my brain. And then it's interpreted and analysed. Thoughts are formed. Imagery and words. The challenge here is when do I get them down? How and when? Yeah, it's all in my head, enclosed and safe, but I can't exactly keep writing the whole day. Then I'll just miss everything. That completely defeats the purpose.

So, no. It's not easy. My brain wants to keep thinking. Stopping is not an option. Would a bolt of lightning stop mid-strike just because the rain decided to leave? No. And so, I'm reduced to chasing after those words in my head. Trying my best to capture them, immortalise them into cyber space. Hopefully, getting as much out as possible while still retaining their original meaning. I don't want to confuse anyone.

Anyway, now that my fingers are feeling compliant, I am transferring the thoughts from this human brain of mine into the vast space that is the world wide web. My thoughts are now being translated from brain activity (electrons and what not) into some sort of mechanical, binary gibberish that is the language of cyber space. Whoopee! (I don't know if I made much sense right there. Oh well!)

The Glee Project: DAMIAN McGINTY!

He is so good looking! OMG:) Plus, he's from Ireland (Northern Ireland, to be specific). That beautiful voice, and the Irish drawl - just heart melting. Not to mention the amazingly blue eyes. Yes, I have a crush on him, who wouldn't. <-- Just wanted to get that out there:)

Keeping with the Irish theme, My brain goes immediately to Artemis Fowl. What a genius he is (fictional, yes. So I guess the genius here is the creator, Eoin Colfer. But for the sake of my adolescence, lets stick to Artemis Fowl II, shall we?). I've reread the books I own, from the first till the sixth. I have not managed to get my hands on the seventh book yet but I will, soon. It's an amazing series. It's a story that keeps you on your toes and your brain whirring from the first page to the last. I enjoyed reading it. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It seems like almost all the main characters have a sarcastic bone in them, which is really humorous. And of course the whole genius thing. Not only Artemis, but also Foaly(the centaur) Opal(the megalomaniac pixie) and Holly(the elfin LEPrecon Captain). Geniuses.. oops, I mean genii. Anyway, smart in their own way.

The plots are great too. Sure, some people would say that saving the fairy and human world from total annihilation again and again maybe a little redundant but, hey, that's what great stories are made of. Besides, each adventure is totally different simply because Artemis is changing. From cold-hearted, genius, bad-guy who cares for nothing but money to genius bad-guy who has a heart (steal from the rich and give to the poor. Or maybe just steal from the rich, because some people deserve to be stolen from). Then there's the brawn. Butler, to be precise. No, he is not just the smartly dressed guy running around the house serving you drinks. His name is Domovoi Butler (which we don't find out until the third book, because bodyguards are not supposed to reveal their first name to their charge. Something about not getting too attached - not like that helped). He's well trained in a specialised form of martial arts, cordon bleu cooking, weapons and military training, tactical training and other handy skills. Butler is Artemis' bodyguard since the time he was born. Butler is one of Artemis' closest friend and father figure (even if he does take orders). The thing I like most about him is that he has faith in his young charge, even though many don't. Butler goes through with Artemis' bold schemes without question but he's also the moral compass (as much of a moral compass as he can be to a 14 year old criminal master mind). The best thing though, is how much Butler loves his little sister (who, by the way, received the same training as he did). Anyway, Artemis Fowl is a great read. And he's Irish! :)

Moving on, trials are coming up and I am... not the least bit worried. Well, actually I am. I'm just not too 'semangat' to care right now. I don't know where it went to, but my usually spunk has left the building. I am not into anything except maybe cute Irish boys and brain electron stimulating novels. I don't seem to care much for school. Nor do I care much about going out or even staying home. When I'm home, I want to go out. when I'm out, I want to be home. When I'm in school, I can't wait to get out. What is up with me?? I just want to get this whole school thing over with. I'll be glad of the day I stop wearing the blue and white uniform so synonymous with secondary schools here in Malaysia. I'm fed of up it all. Not of studying, just school. Honestly, I can't wait to give my time and effort fully to studying what I want to. Creative writing and sociology. I would give my whole self to the pursuit of this knowledge. But first, I have to get through STPM. I have to hang on tight. Hmm, maybe if I could just fall asleep for 4 months. If only.

Hmm.. I'm making butterscotch cookies tomorrow. Maybe I'll make some salted caramel too.

I need to find something, a meaning or purpose. I feel like I'm drifting right now. Aimlessly living life with no real colour. How do I explain this? There is nothing that I want more than getting to next year. So, right now, I'm just living each day because I need to in order to get through to next year. It's not that bad la. Everyday there's something to make me smile and be all happy. I love my life, really. When I come right down to it, my life is great. I'm not thinking of running away or anything like that, just that I want to run right into next year. This whole school thing has really tired me out. I'm just fed up of it. Who wouldn't be? C'mon, 12 years in school. That's over 63% of my life as a school student. No, I'm ready for the big time! I want something more! :)

As for now, what I need more of is sleep. Adieu :)