75% Tired, 25% Procrastination

The title is my reason for being here. Well, 75% a reason and 25% an excuse.

This month really is the month of horror. Halloween, check. Costume, nada. Massive pile of assignments, double check. 

Four in one week. And then another. Or more accurately: five in eight days.

3 of those are group assignments so it's not that I have to do it all by myself. I'm thankful for that. 

One of the individual assignment is a big one that I should have started on sooner, like a week before. It's a 4000 word literature review on a topic of my choosing which has to be related to cognitive/learning phenomenons in animals. Sounds peachy... but it really isn't. Interesting but immensely tedious.

I actually started a week ago but I had no idea what to look for in the highly technical journals which make up the pool of literature in the field of comparative psychology. I read journal after journal and understood only the bare minimum. So of course, I decided to hold off on it till later.

Well, later is here.

And I'm kinda panicking.

I have a little over a week to write a comprehensive paper on imitation in animals (topic of my choice). I think I can do this. Sure. I always manage to finish on time (except for one paper when I was 10 minutes late because I couldn't find parking). So what's the point in panicking, am I right?

WRONG.

This time, I have 4 other assignments to work on. Two of which are due three days before this and another that's due on the same day as this literature review. Mentally though, if I pay attention to my internal emotions and thought processes, I find that I'm in full blown anxiety mode.

I have a stack of journals to read in preparation for the in-class assignment on Tuesday. I have a reflection to write for the other Tuesday assignment.

On top of that, I have to work on an essay about the Stoic philosophical view on the meaning of life; due on Sunday. AND, write that darned lit review (this includes reading about 15 journals and trying to make sense of it).

Oh, also, I have to work on the assignment that's due on the eight day of aforementioned little-over-a-week from hell. For this, I have to read journals, help delegate sections to my group members, possibly compile all the sections and standardise the language. 

That's the big 5 for this month.

You think that's all... it's not.

I have a meeting next week for another group assignment which is due on the 17th of next month and I need to go prepared so I'll be able to contribute. That brings me up to five full assignments and one half of a sixth assignment.

Cool. I haven't had time to really paint or draw at all these past week. :(

(I realise that this is me complaining and I accept full responsibility for it. I should get a grip and get to work. Less talk and more work means less stress. I can do this)

I used to be really good at coming up with titles

Sometimes I get this sudden and overwhelming feeling of anxiety about the future.

I begin to worry about getting a job, getting a house, work shoes. I worry about what I'd be like and whether I'd be able to get more tattoos and what if my current tattoos prevent me from getting a job. I worry about even finding a job. I worry about the future need to get a new laptop, about new clothes and a new bras. I worry about what life will be like and what the world will be like. I worry about who my friends will be and if the current friends I have will still be around. I feel anxious.

All this worrying happens for like 3 minutes and then I go back to being unperturbed.

I think there's a word for this feeling but I can't seem to find it.

Anyway, moving on. I have a meeting with my thesis supervisor this week. I'm really excited about it but I'm also a little nervous. I have a rough idea of what I want my topic to be but I've not done much research on it yet and I'm wondering if I should. I mean, I know that the first few conversations that I will have with my supervisor is going to revolve around refining my topic, but wouldn't it be amazing and totally productive if I went in for this meeting well prepared?

The answer is yes, of course it would.

I have a paper due on Thursday. I should finish writing it tomorrow so I can start some thesis research. I don't want to let my supervisor down and I want this thesis to be well thought out and well written. It's not impossible and I will do it.

So, decision made. I will do some research before the meeting so I can have a productive conversation with my supervisor.

Also, if I get some research done now, I can put aside thesis work in October and focus on assignments instead. I have like, 6 assignments due that month. It'll be the month when I feel like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Once every semester.

Ok.

That's all. I just really wanted to write down how I sometimes feel about the future. But then the words started flowing and here we are. This worrying thing has happened 2-3 times this past couple of weeks. That's more than usual and it's kind of freaking me out.

We are made of star-stuff

 On this episode of Kath's Journey in Philosophy: We are made of star-stuff!

We were still talking about reality in class today. Somehow, we got around to talking about what we're made of. We watched Neil deGrasse Tyson's TIME interview that is on YouTube. He said we are made of the universe, and the universe is made of us. We are composed of the same basic elements that the universe is made of. We originated from that same central moment of the beginning of everything. So when we look up into the sky and see what we can of the universe beyond Earth, we don't have to feel small because we are the universe. Everything that is in those stars and planets is in us as well.

Our lecturer also talked about the Hadron Colliders in Cern and Buffalo. An experiment was conducted on two subatomic (maybe?) particles, one at each location. I really don't know the technicalities or science behind it so I'm not going to explain it. Not yet. I'll keep reading because I still don't understand. BUT, the point is, that the two particles 'resonated' with each other and it brought up the possibility that every particle is connected; that all energy is somehow connected.

When I put those two ideas together in my head, I was exhilarated. I was so moved. We are made of the same basic elements (which is obvious but not exciting until you really put some thought into it) and we (quite probably) all resonate with each other on a subatomic level. We are so intricately connected in more ways than one.

I cannot even begin to express how much this blows my mind.

I turned to Li Huan who was sitting next to me to tell him how amazed I was and I teared up.

That's how much.

Imagine if we all knew this, if we all accepted that this is entirely possible - that everything in us hails from the same, one moment in time, and that all the particles in us resonate as one. Imagine that. Once that becomes our truth, how can there be any hate? How can there be anything less that acceptance, care and understanding. How can there be anything less than love and eternal connectedness (not a word?)?

When I looked at Li Huan and I tried to articulate my excitement, I felt so connected to him. I felt connect to him and everyone around me in a way that I've never felt before. We were one.We are one. Every part of my being is essentially the same as every part in his being.

You know when you find someone who has the exact same pencil case that you have and you're like, "Duuude! We have the exact same pencil case! That is so awesome!" and you are genuinely excited; you feel this instant connection with that person because you found that first common ground, that feeling of pure joy and unity that strikes you so suddenly. That is what I felt but on a much larger, more primal and universal scale.

YOU AND ME ARE ONE.

And that is the most exciting, mind-blowing and (hopefully) life changing moment I have ever had the pleasure to experience.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

I REALLY WANT TO DYE MY HAIR BLUE

I've been wanting to do this for a while now and I've been saving money.

But then I decided to do it myself. Well, me and Vill. She wants some purple and I want two shades of blue. I found a shop when I was walking around with Nadiah and it sold hair dyes of various brands. They also had bleach and just so many other hair products.

I want the bottom part of my hair to be visibly blue. So like a lighter than midnight blue kind of colour or maybe just bright, deep blue. As for the top of my hair, I want it to be really dark blue; blue black.

I'm so excited about this. Mostly because I'm going to do it myself. No salon. No expensive stylists.

I've watched so many videos on how to bleach and dye hair. I've watched tutorials on using different types of bleach and how to get the ombre effect. I now have a lot more information about hair dyeing than I did this morning. I know about different strengths of bleach and different brands of hair dye. I know why I should use foil and I know how to get an even colour.

I JUST WANT TO START PUTTING ALL THIS NEW FOUND KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE!

I am so restless. I just really want to dye my hair. It's so exciting; dyeing my own hair. It's so exciting to think that I'm going to have blue hair soon. It's so exciting to know that Vill is going to have some purple in her hair. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS EXCITING except the waiting. The waiting sucks.

And the only silver lining I can find is delayed gratification.

I will definitely love the blue hair so much more after all this waiting.

NOW PLEASE

I've also been thinking about actually having blue hair. Being a student, this would be great. I think I'll look nice with blue hair and I'd have so much fun telling people that I did it at home. AND, I would probably be more confident about dyeing my hair more often. I'm still in uni. I might as well make the most of it.

I doubt I'll be able to have funky hair in most jobs in Malaysia.

Speaking of jobs, I haven't found anything that I could possibly apply for that is related to my psychology degree. It's kind of sad. So I don't want to think about it more on this post. Maybe another post in the future.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

Metaphysics and My Reality

I'm taking a Philosophy of Life and Death class this semester. It's mentally taxing and extremely intriguing. We talk about many philosophers and what they have said or written about life and death. We talk about contemporary ideas on philosophy and we challenge our own ideas on meaning and everything else related to philosophy.

The best (and worst) part about this class is that I start each lesson feeling confused and eager and by the end of it I'm confused and lost. 

For now, we've gone into metaphysics. We're talking about reality and the nature of it. There are a few main hypotheses about reality posed by a few philosophers; duality, computer mediated, creation and a combination of all three. (I was gonna link you to things but it's more of a bunch of links for each theory so you can go here to look at it all and more)

Personally, I really like the duality hypothesis. It makes sense to me and I like what it implies about reality.

Basically, we have the external, physical world and the internal reality which is our mind (thoughts, ideas and perceptions). Reality is the physical and the mental aspects coexisting. Two separate aspects, that is, where the mind is somewhat in control of the body and the physical world but it is also limited to the environment we are in because the mind responds to outside stimuli quite a bit.

What do I think is reality? What is my take on the nature of reality?

I don't fully know yet. I do think that whatever I'm about to say isn't original. I've collected thoughts and ideas from other people, other thinkers, and merely pieced some parts together to fit my understanding.

Reality is the life I lead. It is true for me. The limited space/environment that I am in is my reality and the knowledge and information I can access adds to that reality. The physical world is a huge part of my reality and it has a major impact on my internal world, which in itself is vast and seemingly infinite. I cannot discount science because I do think that it provides us with some form of understanding of the world we live in. However, I cannot say for certain that science is accurate because every form of measurement was conceived in relation to everything else in the world. Which means that science is only accurate in relation of everything else. Measurement is what we humans created so that we could have some structure. So if we meet an alien race, their measurements would likely be entirely different to ours. That brings up an issue because if science is only accurate in relation to everything else, we will need to make sure that everything else is accurate in order to say that our science is accurate. But how do we do that? The whole concept of measurement is that it is done in relation to everything else. This then renders science inaccurate or at least, unreliable in the grand scheme of things, at least in my reality. 

So what is accurate? I don't think anything can be accurate; at least not by my understanding. Accuracy is what we say it is and nothing more. Who is to say, then, that reality is not that as well? Following that train of logic, reality is what we say it is. Reality is subjective. And so my reality is what I make it, within the confines of my knowledge and experience. If my external experience of the world has led me to an internal conclusion of the presence or existence of God or a divine/supreme/supernatural force, then that becomes my reality. 

That also means that I have to accept that other people have their own subjective reality. On the one hand, if I'm saying that I create my own reality, I can argue that these other realities that are subject to other people are merely my own creation. If I create my own reality, I also create the reality of others around me because they are just part of my creation of reality. A paradox.

On the other hand, I'd prefer to think that each person is real in their own right and they each have their own bubbles of reality. These bubbles may coincide or diverge, but they are subject to the person experiencing it. This means that I will have to accept that there are realities out there which are just as real as mine but I may never experience or know; so it is, at the same time, not real to me. Sounds like a multiple reality theory because it is, but this is one where all these realities coexist in one universe. 

Of course, I don't think this long winded explanation is fool proof, nor is it infallible. I'm sure I could raise more questions from my explanation if I thought about it longer. Like, if my mind is my reality, does that mean that everything I know and experience in my mind is real? If so, can I mould my reality to whatever I want it to be? And many other logically sound questions.

I am thoroughly enjoying this class.  *I've been gesturing the thumbs up in my head for everything positive I've encountered these past few day and I don't know why*

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.

Paper Towns, My Margo and Salty Fries.

I just read Paper Towns. It's a really good read. I've also recognised a pattern in John Green books, a pattern that is further corroborated by Paper Towns.

Paper Towns, specifically, goes something like this. Young man; nerdy, socially inept, life not fully lived. Young woman ; lost, damaged, confident, flamboyant and elegant, beautiful to the young man. He falls in love from a far. She teaches him how to be more than himself. She disappears. He grieves. He finds her. She leaves. They realise just how much more they have become because of each other, and because of themselves. Then they move on without each other.

Margo Roth Speigelman. I imagined her just like Quentin did. The Margo I know is not the real Margo. The idea I have of her is who I want to be. Not the real Margo, though. I don't want to be her. I thought I did. Because, like Q, I was engulfed with the idea of this paper girl and who I thought she was. As I neared the end of the book, I realised how wrong I was. My Margo was just another mirror. (Though sometimes I think I can come pretty darn close to being the real Margo).

My Margo. The wanderlust and the need to leave. To go somewhere new and be someone new, but doing it in a way that doesn't include ripping myself away from everything and everyone I love like a BandAid. The Margo who organises TP'ing campaigns and who explores abandoned buildings just to sit in them. That Margo. I am not brave enough to be that Margo.

What about the real Margo Roth Speigelman? I think she felt trapped. She felt unreal and she needed a new place to find herself. A new place to set roots in, only to feel trapped again and leave for another new place (like Q said). Constantly lost Margo.

But then again, we're all lost, are we not? At some point in every persons life, they feel lost. Some decide to un-lose themselves and accept the lives they have in the predictable path that's been laid out for them. These people decide to find themselves in routine and normalcy, thoroughly okay with fact that their lives will forevermore be nothing but routine and 'normal'. They'd embrace their true calling to live as just another statistic.

And others, others cannot bear to let themselves remain un-found and lost so they end up embracing the unplanned, the thrilling void of unknowing and adventure. They dive head first into nothingness and everything-ness because that is so much better than routine. It's just so much more.

I want to be the one who embraces adventure. I want to be the one who hops from town to town, always looking, never settling, knowing that the planning is what keeps me going more than the destination ever can. But eventually, I also want to be the one who embraces monotony and predictability. Can I be both? Or must I be neither?

Also, why do I even want to know these things?

***

On a side note, I was craving for french fries a few days ago. I really wanted some good potato fries. I wanted a combination of salty, skinny McD fries and fat, potatoey Carl's Jr. fries. I tried to satisfy this craving by make pumpkin fries but I failed miserably and ended up intensifying my craving for the regular potato variety.

A few days later, I woke up and I didn't want fries anymore. I mean, I wouldn't decline fries if someone offered me some but I definitely wasn't craving them.

It got me thinking about how temporary that was; the craving for something, anything. I wanted it so badly only a few days ago but now, I don't even think about it.

However, this over analysing of my craving for fries and the subsequent non-craving for said fries may just be a result of over-spill from processing Paper Towns and wanting to be my Margo Roth Speigelman.

Right now, I want fries again.

That one final stretch before the start of everything... or has everything already begun?

I’m thinking about the future, specifically my future, and I’m scared. I’m not even going very far into the future; more like the one that’s looming closer each day, the immediate post graduation future.

What’s next?

I am so afraid. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I know I want art therapy. Well, I know I want art in some way or the other and art therapy is the most obvious choice I have right now that involves both art and psychology (don’t want that degree to go to waste).

I told mama and she asked me, “Is it practical?” I HAVE NO IDEA. There isn’t really a market for art therapists here in Malaysia, I know that. I know that even the idea of therapy, no matter what the form, is still a taboo in this part of the world. So obviously, I’ll have to throw practicality out the window for this one. Will it guarantee me a stable financial basis? No. Will it even guarantee me a proper job? No. I don’t even know how to get into the field apart from getting an internship or Masters in Art Therapy which is not offered locally.

So what’s my back up plan? What happens if art therapy has to take a back seat for now? What happens if I cannot pursue art therapy right now, in the beginning of the rest of my life? What else can I do? I don’t want to do clinical psychology and I don’t want to do research. I also would rather not get into any form of corporate or organisational psychology because I am not a fan of big corporations or conglomerates. 

What then? What other options am I left with?

These were the questions mama brought up in our conversation about my near future. She’s right, of course. I have to think about getting a steady job, kicking off a career, financial stability, using my knowledge from the psych degree in a way that would benefit me.

BUT, I don’t want to think of it that way. I don’t want to choose my job or career path based on whether or not it’ll give me a good salary. I don’t want to think about the ‘practical application of my degree’. I don’t want to be stuck doing something just for the money. I want to do what I love. I want to make art and I want to use art to help people. I know the industry isn’t big here, not yet; but I would like to get into the movement of expanding the use of art in this country. I’d like to do that.

However, I am also acutely aware that my strong desire to get involved in art therapy is, right now, not altruistically motivated. I want to get involved in art for myself. I want art for me. I want to create things and learn new art forms. And right now, the only way I can make art and money at the same time seems to be through art therapy. And that’s not a good enough reason to be involved in therapy, I think - because what I want is selfish and this should be a selfless path.

So what then? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep studying (because I know that’s just a way for me to keep hiding from my future, delaying the inevitable responsibilities of complete adulthood), I don’t want a ‘boring and practical job’. I don’t want to have to pick a path based on financial needs and long term stability.

I want to do something that makes me happy.  I want to create. I want to participate in art. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. I want to live. How do I decide on that?