Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone. 

Back in the loop

I've just realised that I haven't done much writing on here this year. So if you're still checking in hoping to see something new, you must probably feel a little out of the loop. Sorry!

I'm gonna update you right now. (I don't even know who this 'you' is. Probably that imaginary friend I have). This might get a little long and it'll definitely be wordy.

So this year I finished uni. I'm done. I have technically graduated! The graduation ceremony is only in April, though.

In terms of results, I didn't do as well as I had hoped for my thesis. I know where I went wrong though and I know it's from a lack of effort so I'm going to forgive myself for that. My CGPA is not as low as I thought so that's good. It's the minimum that I set for myself which is not exactly what I aimed for but it'll do.

Uni ended for me in August. Since then, I've been working. I got myself a part time job as a transcriber. I actually quite enjoy it. I get to work from home and I get to choose my work load. It's quite a good job to have while I spend time exploring my options.

What have I explored? I went for art classes for two months. I learned about drawing and sketching with pens and calligraphy brushes and I learned about proportions and lighting, which I was pretty bad at previously. Now I'm not as bad :) I did stop going though. The class was moving a little too slow for me and the lack of a structured lesson plan was not for me. I didn't like not moving progressively forward. It was dull. I do still enjoy painting and drawing. I just don't want to go for this particular class.

After that, I just focused more on knitting and crochet. I now have a sizable yarn collection. I've made a top for myself, a tank top for Nadiah, a scarf for my Simple Plan secret santa, one side of a sock, about 4 beanies, a small basket and many granny squares. I've been having a lot of fun with this. Right now I'm working on a tank top for mama and I'm going to start on a scarf for Malek.

There is one downside to all this knitting and crochet, though. I gave myself tendinitis. All that knitting and crocheting and typing for work started to take a toll on the tendon on my left wrist. I couldn't move my thumb for a week. It's better now. I've got myself a little laptop cushion to support my wrist and I've adjusted my knitting style so that I don't stretch my thumb too much. But it does still ache every morning. I'm doing the recommended wrist exercises whenever I remember to do it. Hopefully my wrist will start feeling better eventually.

What next? Oh yes, job hunting!

So I've been job hunting! I signed up for Jobstreet and to date, I've applied for a handful of jobs already. Today I got my first invite for an interview. I'm super nervous. I've never been to an interview before and I've never worked with complete strangers. I mean, this transcribing job is new too but I don't see them at all, I just work from home, complete connected online. Whereas a permanent job like this would be totally new territory. I'm stoked. I hope it goes well.

(It's not that I haven't been writing at all. I've just been writing a lot of really personal reflections so I never posted them here. I will make a point to write more on here though. I do miss it.)

Global Goals for Tomorrowland.

I do not understand why or how so many people are completely buried in negativity. I do not understand why so many people in this world are so focused on working towards a better future for themselves yet they don’t see that their futures are intertwined with that of others. I do not understand how those people are unable to grasp the simplest of ideas that doing what’s best for you also means doing what’s best for everyone else.

So many people allow themselves to drown in excuses. We tell ourselves that things cannot be better. We say that it’s highly improbable or that it’s downright impossible for any situation to improve because of this political reason or that lack of resource or it takes too much time here or too much money there. We cling to these excuses and we repeat them to ourselves and each other so often, it’s as if we’re proud of it.

(I just watched Tomorrowland and Hugh Laurie’s character’s monologue near then end about humans gobbling up the idea of an apocalypse really got to me. Seriously, go watch the movie and listen carefully to the well written script and beautifully laid out descriptions about the modern human condition)

I am indescribably frustrated at the collective human race for being utterly toothless when it comes to making the world a better place. Sure, we have our Mahatma Ghandi’s and Bill Gates’s and Nelson Mandala’s and Mother Theresa’s who put the best interest of the collective human race first on their list of priorities and they never backed down in their efforts to leave this world in a better state than when they found it.

But I’m not talking about our lack of Ghandi’s or Mother Theresa’s. I’m talking about the getting the regular folks to be just a little more compassionate and proactive. I’m talking about getting more individuals invested in the future. If every person on the planet was just a fraction more compassionate, if we were all just a little more in tuned to the atrocities that are occurring in this world, if we all just did that one little thing better in our lives, if we commit our time and effort to just one issue we feel could improve the world for everyone, then we can change the world.

The power to create a nicer, healthier environment for ourselves is in our hands. And as I said before, our fates are intertwined. So when we do something to improve our lives, other people’s lives improve as well and vice versa.

If we’d all just stop making excuses and start taking action, things will change. We have to stop sitting on our butts and waiting for someone else to do the thing. We have to stop having conversations about why things won’t change and start talking about how we can change them. And then do you know what we need? We need to pick a thing and do it. Commit to it. If every person on the planet, or even just half the people on the planet, decided to start recycling paper and only buy recycled paper, then we’d save a whole bunch of trees, and consequently we’d also save a whole of bunch of flora and fauna as well as reduce our carbon emission. If every existing house and every new house was fitted with solar panels or wind turbines, we’d dramatically reduce pollution and our dependence on fossil fuel. If every government official and every politician acted in the best interest of the people (as they are supposed to), then I’m sure we’d reduce infant mortality rates, crime rates, and poverty. I don’t have numbers for these predictions but I’m confident that it’s true to some degree.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I don’t understand how politicians can be so greedy and power crazed that they forget their duties and elected officials. I don’t understand how big business people and very rich people are only interested in protecting their assets as of now but don’t care at all about what the planet and the global society is going to look like 50 years from now. I don’t understand how so many people can be so concerned about the short term gratifications without giving a single thought as to what the long term ramifications of their actions might be.

I do believe that humans are good. I believe that we are all (with the exception of those who have severe chemical imbalances in their brains) capable of compassion and empathy and care. Somewhere along the way, we seem to have lefts those things to the wayside while we adopted self-righteousness, selfishness, and greed. We’ve become so self-involved that we find it much easier to just sit back and absolve ourselves from any responsibility we might have towards each other as fellow humans rather than make the smallest change to our lifestyle for the benefit of humankind.

I want us to find that compassion. I want us to embrace all the positive energy we can, double it through commitment to a just cause and then release that energy via positive actions. I want us, as humans, to collective create the single most powerful ripple effect in the history of the world (if it can be measured) and I want that ripple effect to stem from good deeds; random acts of kindness, a commitment to recycle, a monthly donation to Doctors Without Borders, or just any one thing that is aimed at reducing world suck.

You may not see the effects of your efforts in your lifetime, certainly not if you’re the only one doing it but you have to know and understand that if those good deeds are sustained, then over time those efforts would pay off. Better still if more people committed to all the causes, because then you might be able to watch as the world changes and adapts to its bigger, brighter and better future.

If you want to change the world for the better, take a look at the Global Goals that were set out this year. We have 13 of them to accomplish by 2030. We can make it happen if we all work together. So go on, pick a thing and do it. Then get some people to join you in doing the thing as you change the world. Get your elected officials to commit as well and hold your government accountable. Hold your friends and family and yourself accountable. This is our planet and our society. We only have one of it so we'd better get to work at fixing it. 

I Don't Have A Ferrari To Sell

I’ve been thinking about change.

I’m reading a fascinating book now, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. It’s all about this hotshot lawyer was drowning in work. He had a heart attack, then decided to sell everything and go on a search for the purpose of life. He ended up with a bunch of monks in India, deep in the Himalayas. He came back looking years younger, alive, free, and fulfilled. The book is about him sharing what he had learned from the monks.

The first chapter talks about your mind being a garden. If you cultivate it with pretty and fulfilling things, your life will be fulfilling. And if you let weeds and negativity take root, they will eventually stifle you. What he says makes a lot of sense. He talks about meditating every day to train your mind to focus. If you can focus your mind on one thing, basically enter flow (Flow Theory) at will, you can do and be anything you want because you will be able to hold your focus.

Next is changing the negative thoughts you have to positive thoughts. Basically, learn to control your minds and harness the power of your thought. Based on positive psych and all that, I know about the power of positive thinking. It makes a difference in how you feel is you smile when you are mad. The simple act of replacing bad thoughts with good ones can make so much difference to the quality of your life. This eventually becomes a habit and you can learn to not hold on to bad thoughts and ideas.

And then he goes on to say that if you visualise what you want, the thing you are working towards, a goal, then you will get there. Visualisation keeps you on your target and it helps you see yourself attaining those goals and then your life and your choices will lead to them.

All this makes sense to me. I get it. It tallies with the stuff I've learned in uni.

The next chapter is about a lighthouse, or the purpose in life. He says that once you find something that makes you feel free and full, that is your purpose. For example, if painting gets your blood pumping, if you are excited by it and have this internal drive to keep doing it, then that is your purpose. And it’s also important to make sure that this purpose involves serving others in some way. So perhaps showcasing your art to touch lives? Or teach people about art?

Once you find this purpose (it make take some exploration before you pin it down), cultivate it. Keep your mind focused on it. And then set small goals related to your purpose. Keep your mind on those goals and make sure you have the courage to act on them.

In fact, you can do this with any small goals as well. Say you want to be more peaceful, or more financially secure, just set small goals. He outlines a 5 step process to it that you can use.

The whole book so far seems quite psychological and methodological which makes sense. Because even spirituality and transcendence requires some form of discipline and understanding of what works with humans. Since psychology is all about how humans work, applying it to this is a logical step.

But then I started thinking about making all these changes. Sure, I can meditate each day to train my mind, I can regularly visualise myself obtaining my goals and then acting on those steps to achieve what I want.

However, it’s not as simple as it seems, is it? I have responsibilities. People who are counting on me. Besides, I’m still young. I don’t actually have a solid life to change yet. So sure, I can shape my life using these principles to avoid the need for change later on, but what happens to my family while I’m on this quest?

I can’t just decide to go after what I want without considering how it might affect the people around me. I just can’t.

So is this book really for me? I mean, I can read it and apply parts of it to my own life. I’m sure I can stand to benefit from some of these techniques. But maybe I’m just not ready for this entire book. Or maybe I just don’t need it in the same way that the monk did. Perhaps some of these techniques will be enough for me for now. Maybe that's the whole idea. To take what you need from this pool if wisdom and apply it to your life accordingly. 

I know I can do better with focusing my mind. I know I can do better with being more positive. So I shall.

I can start on one of these techniques, perhaps meditation. I want to learn how to focus my mind. I want to take charge of it. And I know I can do this. I think this exercise will help me hone my discipline as well, which I know is terrible right now. Each day will be an improvement.

(I’ll start the meditation next week though. I want to start it after I’m done with the assignments)

Not So Blue Hair

Ok. I've been harping on about wanting blue hair for a while now. The first time I tried it, the dye didn't work well and I ended up with greyish green, almost black, hair. So, that was a bummer.

But now, the Manic Panic dye that I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! The colour I chose was Blue Moon. It's bright, blue and beautiful. It's the exact shade of blue that I want.

Here's what the catalog looks like.

Cool, right??

To make sure that the colour stands out, I know taht I have to bleach my hair. And I did. Twice. I bleached once to brown and again, about a week later, to a golden brownish colour. I stopped there because I thought it was light enough. The blue is so bright and it should go well on my hair.

I was wrong, of course. I needed to bleach my hair to a pale yellow if I want the blue to be as blue as it is in the picture. So I was a little disappointed by that. By not having blue.

Instead of blue, I have green. Green hair. Which makes sense since the blue was applied to brown hair (I think it makes sense). And I actually like this green. It's a dark, lively sort of green. Not dead grass green. It actually looks like a green of another colour of Manic Panic dye, Enchanted Forest.

I really like this green. I still want blue hair someday but I'm sticking with this green now because I really like it. It looks like an anime character's hair.

I'll update this with a photo once I take a good one. :)

*Update (14/1):

The colour is kinda visible. It's fading a bit now. The green is slowly becoming less enchanted forest, more army green. Which is still very pretty.

Benjamin: he came back a changed laptop

So, my laptop, Benjamin, was having some issues. I had to send him to the shop to be fixed. He had some minor problems and I was going to send him but a couple of days before I planned to do it, he crashed. The screen went blue and it said that windows was forced to shut down. Of course, I went into a silent panic.

We took him to the PC doctors and they said that the hard drive was damaged and it needed to be replaced. So ok, we replace the hard drive and fix the other small problems too. Now, I know what replacing the hard drive meant. I expected to lose all my data and I did, I expected to have to reinstall some things like VLC and perhaps Google Chrome. I was prepared for that.

However, things hardly ever go according to plan, right?

As it turns out, I have Benjamin but back it's like he's a totally new thing. The usual suspects were missing (i.e: data, VLC, latest Skype). BUT, something feels a little off with it. Something wasn't quite right.

That's when it hit me. MICROSOFT OFFICE! Benjamin didn't have microsoft office installed anymore! So I can't open any words files. All my thesis work and part time work can't be access on Benji yet because he doesn't know how to do it. Damn it.

Also, the mouse pad is different. I used to be able to scroll with it using two fingers. Now, it's kinda of backtracked to an old fashioned only-one-finger-function mousepad. So no scrolling at all. I only just realised how much I rely on that function. I'm trying to scroll through things and I end up feeling like a fool because it doesn't work anymore.

That stumps me, though. Why would changing the hard drive affect the mouse at all? I suppose this must be a software issue. Did I get an old mouse software to replace the one in my old hard drive?? That really sucks.

All in all, I am happy that I have Benji back but I wish the mouse was the same. :(

The screen also feels different to me but maybe that's just me

Wanted: Excitement and Intrigue

I have no idea what life is right now.

I feel lost, unsure, insecure. I feel slow, heavy, jaded.

I had dinner with a friend yesterday and we spent a a few hours just talking. I haven't seen him in a while so there was lots to talk about. For him, at least. So much had happened to him and so many things were happening to him and we spent all that time just talking about every single thing I had missed in his life. And them more time on every single thing that he was looking forward to, things he had planned, the way he's grown as a person.

But when the conversation turned to me, I had nothing to say. There was nothing new to report. The time that had elapsed since we last talked was filled with monotony and dull, daily living for me. There was no intrigue or excitement. There were no new experiences and no upcoming exciting experiences to look forward to. Everything was just so boring. And I don't mean that I'm bored (though I sometimes am) or that life was boring (though it sometimes is). I just mean that I have not done anything worth talking about at all. I have not gone through anything worth sharing and I have nothing even remotely stimulating to talk about in terms of my life.

Am I that person now? Is this what my life has become? I am the boring friend. I am the jaded one who just sits and latches on to other people's stories as they tell them because it's so much more exciting than my own.

I never wanted to be this and I never thought I would be, but here I am.


But the question is, am I inherently this person? Or is this just something we all have to handle sometimes? Is it one of those many phases of life?

I sure hope so. I hope it's a phase.

I don't want to be stuck like this forever.

I want some excitement. I want to go out and get it.

But where do I begin?

75% Tired, 25% Procrastination

The title is my reason for being here. Well, 75% a reason and 25% an excuse.

This month really is the month of horror. Halloween, check. Costume, nada. Massive pile of assignments, double check. 

Four in one week. And then another. Or more accurately: five in eight days.

3 of those are group assignments so it's not that I have to do it all by myself. I'm thankful for that. 

One of the individual assignment is a big one that I should have started on sooner, like a week before. It's a 4000 word literature review on a topic of my choosing which has to be related to cognitive/learning phenomenons in animals. Sounds peachy... but it really isn't. Interesting but immensely tedious.

I actually started a week ago but I had no idea what to look for in the highly technical journals which make up the pool of literature in the field of comparative psychology. I read journal after journal and understood only the bare minimum. So of course, I decided to hold off on it till later.

Well, later is here.

And I'm kinda panicking.

I have a little over a week to write a comprehensive paper on imitation in animals (topic of my choice). I think I can do this. Sure. I always manage to finish on time (except for one paper when I was 10 minutes late because I couldn't find parking). So what's the point in panicking, am I right?

WRONG.

This time, I have 4 other assignments to work on. Two of which are due three days before this and another that's due on the same day as this literature review. Mentally though, if I pay attention to my internal emotions and thought processes, I find that I'm in full blown anxiety mode.

I have a stack of journals to read in preparation for the in-class assignment on Tuesday. I have a reflection to write for the other Tuesday assignment.

On top of that, I have to work on an essay about the Stoic philosophical view on the meaning of life; due on Sunday. AND, write that darned lit review (this includes reading about 15 journals and trying to make sense of it).

Oh, also, I have to work on the assignment that's due on the eight day of aforementioned little-over-a-week from hell. For this, I have to read journals, help delegate sections to my group members, possibly compile all the sections and standardise the language. 

That's the big 5 for this month.

You think that's all... it's not.

I have a meeting next week for another group assignment which is due on the 17th of next month and I need to go prepared so I'll be able to contribute. That brings me up to five full assignments and one half of a sixth assignment.

Cool. I haven't had time to really paint or draw at all these past week. :(

(I realise that this is me complaining and I accept full responsibility for it. I should get a grip and get to work. Less talk and more work means less stress. I can do this)