Becoming December-me

It's strange. Everything is strange right now.

Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.

I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.

I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.

I guess I can start now.

Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.

Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.

I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.

I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.

I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:

1. Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
2. Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
3. Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
4. Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
5. Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading. 
6. Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
7. You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.

To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now. 

On feminism and being fair to men

I just had a passionate conversation with my family about feminism. It started with me telling them how the guy I know said that, as a man, he wouldn't want to read about a list of inspirational women. And that really bothered me.

Then we got into it about how focusing solely on one gender is unfair and goes against what feminism stands for...or is it?

My mum's argument:

1. Making the list just for women is not promoting equality because it basically disregards men. Instead, make a list of inspirational people and be blind to gender and choose the people based on merits alone. Do away with lists of just women or just men.
    
2. If we want to be equal, then it has to start with women, more so than men. That women have to accept themselves as equal to men, and only then will they be equal in society's eyes.
    
3. That women are not at the forefront as much before because sexism kept women from doing great things and being competitive in various fields. Therefore it's reasonable that there were previously barely any women featured or highlighted in society. 

My counter:

1. Making a list just for women does not mean I'm disregarding men. If it was a list of inspirational people that was composed of only women, that would be unfair and dismissive of men. But a list of inspirational women is just highlighting the many women that I find inspirational, and it's okay.
   
   Women are who I relate to. It's representational. And we all know representation is important. Seeing a male astronaut is inspirational but seeing a female astronaut makes me feel like I can do it too.
   
   Men don't have to worry much about representations of gender, they're represented everywhere. What I'm trying to do with a list of women is to showcase women who have inspired me, women to women.
   
   I think that great not just for me, but other women and girls out there who don't get to see their gender represented as people who are capable and incredible, who aren't told that they too can be inspiring.
   
   And sure, do away with separating genders in terms of award categories (best male lead and best female lead, like why? maybe just to have more awards to give out kot). But highlighting women who inspire me or highlighting women who are historically important, I think that's perfectly fine.
   
   In fact, I think that's entirely necessary seeing as women have only just recently been in the spotlight for that. We need more if we want to level the playing field.
    
2. Starting with women. Well, sure. I want women to know that they are equal to men, that they deserve equal pay for equal work, that they deserve respect just as much as men and that they are worth just as much as men. I do agree that women need to believe in the fight for the fight to have an impact.
   
   But I disagree that just by believing in this that equality will be attained. Just believing in equal rights is not enough, we need make sure we work for it. I can't just believe I'll have dinner and then magically a plate of food appears at my table. I have to believe and then act on it to get what I want. I think it works the same with feminism or any social justice cause. Actions are what changes the world.
   
   I also think the 'women more so than men' is untrue as well. It should be 'women, as much as men'.
    
3. This I disagree with as well. Yes, men were leading in many fields because women weren't competitive in it (because they weren't allowed to study or work in fields dominated by men), but even where women were leading, even in fields where they made an impact, women were tossed to the wayside, not mentioned; the spotlights shone on men instead.
   
   For example, Rosalind Franklin, a chemist whose research was critical in the discovering the double helix DNA structure. We know that Watson discovered DNA but there's no mention of Rosalind Franklin.
   
   Or Nettie Stevens who discovered the X and Y chromosomes. Yet her co-worker Thomas Morgan was credited with the discovery and he received a Nobel Prize for it, and he even dismissed her involvement by saying she was more of a technician than a scientist (seriously bro? WHAT THE HELL)
   
   That was back in the early 1900s. We're getting better at recognising women now, but there is much room for improvement. And that's why I think we need to make and effort, fight to have women be recognised for their work. Not to overshadow their male counterparts but to receive fair credit for their work.

I had  a bit of trouble articulating my point during the argument. I'm sure I got most of it out but my mum stuck to her points and I stuck to mine. And really. she totally agrees with me but she still also believes that women need to start being blind to gender and be inclusive. 

I just had to learn something about this so I talked to someone on a feminism blog that I follow. She's is great at articulating her points and I've learnt a lot about feminism from this blog. Her answer to this is hits the nail on the head, in my opinion. 

Fandomsandfeminism: Equality is a GOAL, not a method. You don't invite billionaires into soup kitchens in the name of equality. You have to raise up undermined groups to level the playing field.

That's what I failed to articulate: Equality is a goal, not a method. 

Committing to Adventure

How and when do you decide to just get out there and go for it?

I have a friend, Pei Ting – really just someone I know from uni whom I’ve talked to a couple of times before about our theses, and as far as I know, she has always been one for adventure – who is currently cycling around New Zealand.

She got herself a New Zealand working holiday visa, her bicycle and some hiking gear, headed out to the land of the long white cloud and started adventuring.

You can find out what she’s up to on her Facebook page. She posts beautiful photos almost every day with little snippets of her latest adventure. And I have to say, she really inspires me.

Seeing her posts on Facebook got me thinking about life. I’m sure at one point or another, we’ve all wanted to have an exciting life filled with surprises and adventure. 

Some people found a way to make it happen via working holiday visas like Pei Ting. Others become travel writers, some become plain ol’ adventurers, working their way through different continents, being as free as it is possible to be.

But that’s just a handful of people.

What about the rest of us? Those of us who want this adventure but somehow, we just never got around to it?

The other article I read today was on what older people regret in their lives. One of those regrets was being too caught up in striving for financial stability. Sure, money is important, but wasted chances are heart breaking.

And I really like that. I like knowing that taking chances is not a waste of time or effort, that being financially stable is not the be all and end all of life.

It's good to hear that from people who have lived long lives. Their advice is sound. And honestly, this isn't the first time I've seen or heard this little nugget of wisdom - it's timeless, always relevant.

Still, it’s easier said than done. I still want to be able to pay off all my student loans. I want to make enough money so that my mother doesn’t have to work any more. I want to feel secure so that I can make sure my family, now and in the future, are secure as well.

BUT, I also want adventure. I want to see the world. I want to be more than I am right now. I want to learn and explore. And I know there are tonnes of different paths I can take to make this happen. 

I could get a working holiday visa, work my way around the world. I could develop decent photography skills and become a photojournalist. I could apply for a job overseas. I could volunteer. And these are just the obvious ideas.

I’m sure if I do a little research, there are a million other ways for me to travel and find adventure. 

Also, adventure doesn't have to be of the globe-trotting variety. There's probably plenty of adventure right here. I just need to get off my lazy but and find it. 

There's so much to see and do in Malaysia, so much to learn in the world (and learning is so easy thanks to the Internet), so much to see that doesn't require much money. All it takes a commitment. 

Commitment can be scary. I know it scares me. I'm always worried I won't be able to keep up and that I'd eventually let people down, let myself down. 

But recently I was reminded to not be afraid of commitment. It's actually not that difficult at all. And I know that one of the reasons I've failed to be consistent in my commitments is because I've been focusing on the wrong thing. 

If you're always worried you're going to fail, then eventually you will fail. You are what you focus on. Visualisation is  so important in everything that you do, so why is commitment any different?

So I suppose the best way to find adventure is to commit to it. Visualise commitment, focus on experiencing adventure and then follow through. I have to choose to not be afraid of committing to adventure.

Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone. 

Back in the loop

I've just realised that I haven't done much writing on here this year. So if you're still checking in hoping to see something new, you must probably feel a little out of the loop. Sorry!

I'm gonna update you right now. (I don't even know who this 'you' is. Probably that imaginary friend I have). This might get a little long and it'll definitely be wordy.

So this year I finished uni. I'm done. I have technically graduated! The graduation ceremony is only in April, though.

In terms of results, I didn't do as well as I had hoped for my thesis. I know where I went wrong though and I know it's from a lack of effort so I'm going to forgive myself for that. My CGPA is not as low as I thought so that's good. It's the minimum that I set for myself which is not exactly what I aimed for but it'll do.

Uni ended for me in August. Since then, I've been working. I got myself a part time job as a transcriber. I actually quite enjoy it. I get to work from home and I get to choose my work load. It's quite a good job to have while I spend time exploring my options.

What have I explored? I went for art classes for two months. I learned about drawing and sketching with pens and calligraphy brushes and I learned about proportions and lighting, which I was pretty bad at previously. Now I'm not as bad :) I did stop going though. The class was moving a little too slow for me and the lack of a structured lesson plan was not for me. I didn't like not moving progressively forward. It was dull. I do still enjoy painting and drawing. I just don't want to go for this particular class.

After that, I just focused more on knitting and crochet. I now have a sizable yarn collection. I've made a top for myself, a tank top for Nadiah, a scarf for my Simple Plan secret santa, one side of a sock, about 4 beanies, a small basket and many granny squares. I've been having a lot of fun with this. Right now I'm working on a tank top for mama and I'm going to start on a scarf for Malek.

There is one downside to all this knitting and crochet, though. I gave myself tendinitis. All that knitting and crocheting and typing for work started to take a toll on the tendon on my left wrist. I couldn't move my thumb for a week. It's better now. I've got myself a little laptop cushion to support my wrist and I've adjusted my knitting style so that I don't stretch my thumb too much. But it does still ache every morning. I'm doing the recommended wrist exercises whenever I remember to do it. Hopefully my wrist will start feeling better eventually.

What next? Oh yes, job hunting!

So I've been job hunting! I signed up for Jobstreet and to date, I've applied for a handful of jobs already. Today I got my first invite for an interview. I'm super nervous. I've never been to an interview before and I've never worked with complete strangers. I mean, this transcribing job is new too but I don't see them at all, I just work from home, complete connected online. Whereas a permanent job like this would be totally new territory. I'm stoked. I hope it goes well.

(It's not that I haven't been writing at all. I've just been writing a lot of really personal reflections so I never posted them here. I will make a point to write more on here though. I do miss it.)

Global Goals for Tomorrowland.

I do not understand why or how so many people are completely buried in negativity. I do not understand why so many people in this world are so focused on working towards a better future for themselves yet they don’t see that their futures are intertwined with that of others. I do not understand how those people are unable to grasp the simplest of ideas that doing what’s best for you also means doing what’s best for everyone else.

So many people allow themselves to drown in excuses. We tell ourselves that things cannot be better. We say that it’s highly improbable or that it’s downright impossible for any situation to improve because of this political reason or that lack of resource or it takes too much time here or too much money there. We cling to these excuses and we repeat them to ourselves and each other so often, it’s as if we’re proud of it.

(I just watched Tomorrowland and Hugh Laurie’s character’s monologue near then end about humans gobbling up the idea of an apocalypse really got to me. Seriously, go watch the movie and listen carefully to the well written script and beautifully laid out descriptions about the modern human condition)

I am indescribably frustrated at the collective human race for being utterly toothless when it comes to making the world a better place. Sure, we have our Mahatma Ghandi’s and Bill Gates’s and Nelson Mandala’s and Mother Theresa’s who put the best interest of the collective human race first on their list of priorities and they never backed down in their efforts to leave this world in a better state than when they found it.

But I’m not talking about our lack of Ghandi’s or Mother Theresa’s. I’m talking about the getting the regular folks to be just a little more compassionate and proactive. I’m talking about getting more individuals invested in the future. If every person on the planet was just a fraction more compassionate, if we were all just a little more in tuned to the atrocities that are occurring in this world, if we all just did that one little thing better in our lives, if we commit our time and effort to just one issue we feel could improve the world for everyone, then we can change the world.

The power to create a nicer, healthier environment for ourselves is in our hands. And as I said before, our fates are intertwined. So when we do something to improve our lives, other people’s lives improve as well and vice versa.

If we’d all just stop making excuses and start taking action, things will change. We have to stop sitting on our butts and waiting for someone else to do the thing. We have to stop having conversations about why things won’t change and start talking about how we can change them. And then do you know what we need? We need to pick a thing and do it. Commit to it. If every person on the planet, or even just half the people on the planet, decided to start recycling paper and only buy recycled paper, then we’d save a whole bunch of trees, and consequently we’d also save a whole of bunch of flora and fauna as well as reduce our carbon emission. If every existing house and every new house was fitted with solar panels or wind turbines, we’d dramatically reduce pollution and our dependence on fossil fuel. If every government official and every politician acted in the best interest of the people (as they are supposed to), then I’m sure we’d reduce infant mortality rates, crime rates, and poverty. I don’t have numbers for these predictions but I’m confident that it’s true to some degree.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I don’t understand how politicians can be so greedy and power crazed that they forget their duties and elected officials. I don’t understand how big business people and very rich people are only interested in protecting their assets as of now but don’t care at all about what the planet and the global society is going to look like 50 years from now. I don’t understand how so many people can be so concerned about the short term gratifications without giving a single thought as to what the long term ramifications of their actions might be.

I do believe that humans are good. I believe that we are all (with the exception of those who have severe chemical imbalances in their brains) capable of compassion and empathy and care. Somewhere along the way, we seem to have lefts those things to the wayside while we adopted self-righteousness, selfishness, and greed. We’ve become so self-involved that we find it much easier to just sit back and absolve ourselves from any responsibility we might have towards each other as fellow humans rather than make the smallest change to our lifestyle for the benefit of humankind.

I want us to find that compassion. I want us to embrace all the positive energy we can, double it through commitment to a just cause and then release that energy via positive actions. I want us, as humans, to collective create the single most powerful ripple effect in the history of the world (if it can be measured) and I want that ripple effect to stem from good deeds; random acts of kindness, a commitment to recycle, a monthly donation to Doctors Without Borders, or just any one thing that is aimed at reducing world suck.

You may not see the effects of your efforts in your lifetime, certainly not if you’re the only one doing it but you have to know and understand that if those good deeds are sustained, then over time those efforts would pay off. Better still if more people committed to all the causes, because then you might be able to watch as the world changes and adapts to its bigger, brighter and better future.

If you want to change the world for the better, take a look at the Global Goals that were set out this year. We have 13 of them to accomplish by 2030. We can make it happen if we all work together. So go on, pick a thing and do it. Then get some people to join you in doing the thing as you change the world. Get your elected officials to commit as well and hold your government accountable. Hold your friends and family and yourself accountable. This is our planet and our society. We only have one of it so we'd better get to work at fixing it. 

I Don't Have A Ferrari To Sell

I’ve been thinking about change.

I’m reading a fascinating book now, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. It’s all about this hotshot lawyer was drowning in work. He had a heart attack, then decided to sell everything and go on a search for the purpose of life. He ended up with a bunch of monks in India, deep in the Himalayas. He came back looking years younger, alive, free, and fulfilled. The book is about him sharing what he had learned from the monks.

The first chapter talks about your mind being a garden. If you cultivate it with pretty and fulfilling things, your life will be fulfilling. And if you let weeds and negativity take root, they will eventually stifle you. What he says makes a lot of sense. He talks about meditating every day to train your mind to focus. If you can focus your mind on one thing, basically enter flow (Flow Theory) at will, you can do and be anything you want because you will be able to hold your focus.

Next is changing the negative thoughts you have to positive thoughts. Basically, learn to control your minds and harness the power of your thought. Based on positive psych and all that, I know about the power of positive thinking. It makes a difference in how you feel is you smile when you are mad. The simple act of replacing bad thoughts with good ones can make so much difference to the quality of your life. This eventually becomes a habit and you can learn to not hold on to bad thoughts and ideas.

And then he goes on to say that if you visualise what you want, the thing you are working towards, a goal, then you will get there. Visualisation keeps you on your target and it helps you see yourself attaining those goals and then your life and your choices will lead to them.

All this makes sense to me. I get it. It tallies with the stuff I've learned in uni.

The next chapter is about a lighthouse, or the purpose in life. He says that once you find something that makes you feel free and full, that is your purpose. For example, if painting gets your blood pumping, if you are excited by it and have this internal drive to keep doing it, then that is your purpose. And it’s also important to make sure that this purpose involves serving others in some way. So perhaps showcasing your art to touch lives? Or teach people about art?

Once you find this purpose (it make take some exploration before you pin it down), cultivate it. Keep your mind focused on it. And then set small goals related to your purpose. Keep your mind on those goals and make sure you have the courage to act on them.

In fact, you can do this with any small goals as well. Say you want to be more peaceful, or more financially secure, just set small goals. He outlines a 5 step process to it that you can use.

The whole book so far seems quite psychological and methodological which makes sense. Because even spirituality and transcendence requires some form of discipline and understanding of what works with humans. Since psychology is all about how humans work, applying it to this is a logical step.

But then I started thinking about making all these changes. Sure, I can meditate each day to train my mind, I can regularly visualise myself obtaining my goals and then acting on those steps to achieve what I want.

However, it’s not as simple as it seems, is it? I have responsibilities. People who are counting on me. Besides, I’m still young. I don’t actually have a solid life to change yet. So sure, I can shape my life using these principles to avoid the need for change later on, but what happens to my family while I’m on this quest?

I can’t just decide to go after what I want without considering how it might affect the people around me. I just can’t.

So is this book really for me? I mean, I can read it and apply parts of it to my own life. I’m sure I can stand to benefit from some of these techniques. But maybe I’m just not ready for this entire book. Or maybe I just don’t need it in the same way that the monk did. Perhaps some of these techniques will be enough for me for now. Maybe that's the whole idea. To take what you need from this pool if wisdom and apply it to your life accordingly. 

I know I can do better with focusing my mind. I know I can do better with being more positive. So I shall.

I can start on one of these techniques, perhaps meditation. I want to learn how to focus my mind. I want to take charge of it. And I know I can do this. I think this exercise will help me hone my discipline as well, which I know is terrible right now. Each day will be an improvement.

(I’ll start the meditation next week though. I want to start it after I’m done with the assignments)

Not So Blue Hair

Ok. I've been harping on about wanting blue hair for a while now. The first time I tried it, the dye didn't work well and I ended up with greyish green, almost black, hair. So, that was a bummer.

But now, the Manic Panic dye that I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! The colour I chose was Blue Moon. It's bright, blue and beautiful. It's the exact shade of blue that I want.

Here's what the catalog looks like.

Cool, right??

To make sure that the colour stands out, I know taht I have to bleach my hair. And I did. Twice. I bleached once to brown and again, about a week later, to a golden brownish colour. I stopped there because I thought it was light enough. The blue is so bright and it should go well on my hair.

I was wrong, of course. I needed to bleach my hair to a pale yellow if I want the blue to be as blue as it is in the picture. So I was a little disappointed by that. By not having blue.

Instead of blue, I have green. Green hair. Which makes sense since the blue was applied to brown hair (I think it makes sense). And I actually like this green. It's a dark, lively sort of green. Not dead grass green. It actually looks like a green of another colour of Manic Panic dye, Enchanted Forest.

I really like this green. I still want blue hair someday but I'm sticking with this green now because I really like it. It looks like an anime character's hair.

I'll update this with a photo once I take a good one. :)

*Update (14/1):

The colour is kinda visible. It's fading a bit now. The green is slowly becoming less enchanted forest, more army green. Which is still very pretty.