Fulfill Your Own Prophecy, Why Don't You!

This week seems like it's going to be a relaxing one. The calm before the storm. I still have 3 group projects to complete but we're only really starting them all next week. So for now, I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do. I suppose I could study. And maybe watch more tv shows (I have quite a few to catch up on). OR, I could do what someone once told me to; make a list of things that I like to do and go do them.

I might attempt a little bit of everything. (Update: I did some chores and then watched half a season of Haven. Whooo!)

But first I want to talk about something.

(I'll be right back, the washing machine just beeped)

I'm back.

What I wanted to talk about is how everyday, we are faced with cruel reminders of things we cannot have. I'm not talking about an iPad or a BMW. When I say things, I mean love, peace, understanding from that one person who means the world to you. You cannot always have these things.

Sometimes, you come so close only to find out that you will only ever be able to see it, but never have it.

I feel like this sometimes. I think and rethink and overthink. I get sad and I get angry. And then I realise that I should use these reminders as motivators. The universe says I can't have that? Fine then. I'll get something else, just as good or maybe even much better.

Because there's no use moping around, being sad that I didn't get what I felt I needed. Moping will not solve any of my problems. It will not get me to where I want to go. So basically, turn that frown upside down. You attract what you believe in and practice. Essentially, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a line in my social psych textbook that I really like. It says, "To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike; if we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

Little nuggets if wisdom from psychology textbooks.

I really like that line. It taught me a lot about this uncomfortable dissonance I've been feeling about my faith. I need to make a choice and stick to it. I need to be what I want to be. And that works with everything else too. If I want peace, I have to embody peace, I have to give it and show it. The same goes for love.

So that is what I will try to do.

One last thing, I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from a friend. He said he thought of me when he read this quote from Emilie Autumn's book, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls:

"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why  you are in so much pain."

That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, as far as I can remember.

Ergggh.

Just as I was done proof-reading my last post, a few more thoughts popped into my head. Since I haven't been writing and sharing much information here, I decided that I might as well write them out.

Ironically, the first though was that writing really helps me gather my mind. As I've mentioned before, my mind races like a bunch of trains just crisscrossing, jumping from one track to another, changing directions and colour so fast that I sometimes end up just staring into blank space, trying to make sense of it all.

Writing helps me organise my thoughts. It helps me lay it all out and understand. When I write, I think. When I write, I feel better. I feel calmer. It's like I can finally see clearly and I know what my mind is telling me.

So yes, writing helps. Writing is good. NEVER STOP WRITING! When in doubt, write.

The other thing that I thought of was that I'll be turning 22 in a few months. 5 months to be exact! I can't really wrap my head around it. I haven't even gotten used to the idea of being 21. When I was 13, I thought 21 year olds were all mature. I thought they were wise and that they have it together. Boy, was I wrong!

Someone obviously forgot to deliver the manual on how to be 'all that' on my 21st birthday. I feel very much like I did when I was 13. The only difference is that I know a few more things about a few more things and that I can choose what clothes to wear. Everything else feels the same. I'm still terrible at socialising, I'm still stubborn as ever, I still don't know how to pay taxes, and I don't read the newspaper. So you can see why I might be a little edgy about turning 22. At this point in time, age really does feel like just a number. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm 21. I am legally an adult. I don't feel like I'm 21, though.

Finally, I realised that I've been saying 'Oh my Lord!' a little too much. I'm annoying myself. I say out loud and I say it in my head almost all the time. I don't even know were I picked it up from. And there's this sing-songy tune that goes along with that phrase when I say it. Seriously, it is so annoying. I cringe every time I say it yet I cannot seem to stop saying it. That's cognitive dissonance, right there.

I need a new phrase to over-use.

"Ergggh!" is the main contender at the moment with "No, you don't understand!" coming in a close second.

I think I might go with "Ergggh!" because "No, you don't understand!" implies that no one else can understand what I'm feeling or thinking which is not true. That phrase might end up wearing off a lot faster than the current one. "Ergggh!" it is.

I shall condition myself to the new phrase.

Empathy, bro.

I should be working on my assignment right now but I'm here writing to you instead. I could say that I'm taking a break but let's be honest, I've been on a break for the past 3 hours and right now, I'm extending it. This is my version of procrastination.

I was thinking, you know how I don't really care about what other people may think of me except maybe a handful of people?

Well, I realised that somewhere along the way, I've added more and more people to that list. It's not that I care more about what these specific people think. No. It's just that I've started to worry about how other people may perceive me. I'm letting that get to me.

Now, I know that caring about how people see you is not necessarily a bad thing. I just don't want to be that person. I like being me and not having to live my life according to society's standards. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning and worry about how I look to other people. What I want is to be able to choose to put on eyeliner because I like how it looks.

So that's what I'm going to do. I shall place all anxiety in a box and place it as far away in my mind as possible. I don't want it and I will not let it dictate how I live my life.

Anywho, that assignment I should be working on; it's about counselling. Specifically, questioning skills. I really like the class. It's informative and very helpful not just to aspiring counsellors but to individuals. It makes you really think about how you respond to people, how you listen to them and how you react to them. I never knew that listening behaviour was so important.

Now, every time I'm speaking to someone or listening to a friend, I am acutely aware of my body language and theirs. I try to make sure I convey that I'm listening to them without actually saying, "HEY I'M LISTENING TO YOU". I pay attention to them, their eyes, body language. The greatest bit is that by just paying a little more attention to your conversational partner, you find that you actually have the ability to empathise.

Empathy is immensely important, I think , in any relationship. Being able to relate to a person and what they're going through is the best thing you can do to make them feel loved. You don't even have to provide a solution. Just listen to them, understand their point of view and pay attention.

During practices in class, I realised that being heard makes me feel a whole lot better. Sure, as counsellors, we want to guide people to solutions they already have in their minds. We want to help them grow and develop. We want to help. But as a friend, just a normal friend, you want to listen and empathise. seriously, that is golden in a conversation.

Now, I better get back to writing.

I have a full day tomorrow. I made a to-do list. Here's to hoping I will follow it!

Listen as the Clock Ticks

Even though this class is quite dull sometimes, Counselling Skills is one of the most helpful class I've taken so far in terms of practical applications.

Learning how to listen and empathise. Learning how to distance your personal views and opinions in order to fully comprehend where someone is coming from, their issue from their point of view.

I find myself consciously using these newly learned skills and techniques. I don't know if I'll ever use them in a professional setting but I do believe that this class is very helpful even in real life situations. I'm aware of my body language, my tone, my ability to track the story I'm being told. I make sure to maintain appropriate eye contact.

The downside to this is, however, that I'm suddenly much more aware of other people's body language and tone of voice. I'm becoming critical of how people respond when I'm speaking to them. I know that we all have our own styles in attending to a person but I feel like I can spot when someone is not exactly listening to me. I know when they don't care and when they're distancing themselves. All that kind of sucks.

***

I saw a bunch of my secondary school friends. I forgot how much I like spending time with them. We're a funny bunch of people. And to be honest, most of them grew up really well. Some strapping lads and stunning ladies they turned out to be.

I've never been one for keeping in contact with people. I'm not very good with birthdays and all but I am definitely glad that I still have them around. They make me laugh. We're all so different. Yet we're all the same; united under the same classroom.

***

Finally, I've actually been keeping to my to-o list, lately. I'm on track with my weekly readings and I'm pretty much in control of all my assignments. This is a little bit of a shock to me (which is why it warrants a mention) because I usually just end up with to-do lists scrawled on random bits of paper that I never follow anyway.

I feel organised and on top of things. I'm glad I've been able to do this. Now all I have to do it make sure I keep this up. I don't want to be falling into that deep pit of procrastination again, do I? The answer is, of course, no. 

Countdown:

27 days till Supernatural season 9

73 days till Doctor Who 50th Anniversary

11 days till my first assignment is due

2 days till the ERB assessment.

LISTS ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL!

Awkward Smile and Confused Eyes

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty dejected yesterday and in the past few weeks.

I wrote my feelings out on a piece of paper (typed out on an electronic paper but those are just minor details) and it felt good to get the words out of my head.

This morning, I was feeling a little better. Still gloomy but not terribly so. As the day went by, I laughed a little, on social cues. Then I laughed a little more because people were being funny. And eventually, I started laughing because I wanted to.

My lecturer was funny, my friends were funny, my new friend was funny and even though the sky accurately reflected my morning mood, my heart felt lighter.

I did kinda sink a little before I left uni. I had a good day and the thought of being locked inside my own head again was a little daunting. My heart reflected the sky, just then.

So I got on the bus after a calming hug from Peter. I tried very hard not to scowl. I focused on my  new shoes and kept telling myself to  lighten up. It was a mantra in my head. The bus went along it's merry way, headed towards the LRT station.

Then a guy boarded the bus. He took out a deck of cards and started to shuffle it in like a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he stumbled, sometimes he was so quick. Being the tactless little weasley that I am, I just stared at his hands, shuffling the deck, flipping cards and doing tricks.

He saw me looking and so he said he had way too much free time on his hands. Then I watched him practice a little more. After a minute or so, he asked me to pick a card from the deck. He did a little 'magic' trick where he shuffled the deck and found my card.

I saw the trick though and I told him so (yea Kath, strike at a guys ego before you even introduce yourself. Genius).

Anyways, we started talking a little after that. He's name is Joshua and he's an ADP student. He's been shuffling cards with style for about 6 months and he thinks I look like I'm 18 years old (What's new? When he said that, I just said, "Yea, I know." Perfect, if I wanted to sound arrogant.) I told him I was from Shah Alam and he proceeded to say something in terrible BM (he admitted he was terrible at it ok) and I said I've heard worse (not much worse, to be honest, but one point to me for not damaging his ego even more).

Then we reached the station and went our separate ways.

What I realised the whole time was that I couldn't help myself from smiling this really awkward new person smile (which he had on as well). That's ok. To be expected. But my smile was accompanied by thoroughly confused looking eyes. That's how I greet new people when I'm on my own. I smile awkwardly and look at them like I'm a confused Castiel trying to figure out how to work sarcasm in season 4 (a Supernatural fan might get that reference. If you are not an SPN fan, then it simply means I looked very, very, very confused)

.I should work on my socialising skills.

On another note, the experiment meeting went well, I think. We managed to decide on a few important details. We're making progress and I think we can pull this off. I sure hope that our research is sound. If it's not..... NO. It is sound. We're covering all the bases. EVERYTHING, EVERY BASE SHALL BE COVERED!

I thank God for this good day. I felt him today, in all the joy. Not so much in religion though, just God.

No To Research

It's like there's so much stuff in my head. I can feel it trying to push it's way out. All the words and thoughts and emotions. I can feel it expanding and pushing against my brain, my eyes.

I haven't written anything in a while and I realised that this is what happens when I don't write. I internalise and it kinda hurts my brain. I almost feel as if I'm imploding and exploding at the same time.

Anywhere, here's me releasing some pressure. Let's start with a statement.

I do not like researching.

That's pretty much a bad thing to say at this point of my university education, yes? Yes. It really is.

50% of HELP's Bachelor of Psychology course is centered on research. 50% of my assignments involve research. And I absolutely abhor it. Learning is fun. I love reading my textbooks and looking up the latest finds. What I don't like is pouring over journals trying to find gaps in the research and reading through a million paragraphs talking about significant results.

So I am a little sad about that. I'm only doing it because I have to and I know that's not what good research is built on. I have to want it. I have to like researching. But I don't. So either I learn to like it or I push myself to do it as well as I can.

One thing I've always wanted is learning the proper skills required to be a counsellor. That, however, is going about as bumpy as the road outside my house. The lecturer is doing her best to guide us but so far, I still feel so lost. I think I have to just be a little more patient. I know that practicing helps so I hope that in time, I'll be a more confident about counselling.

Anyways. that's something. My head feels a little lighter now. Back to reading journals for my experiment work. Ergh.