I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

I REALLY WANT TO DYE MY HAIR BLUE

I've been wanting to do this for a while now and I've been saving money.

But then I decided to do it myself. Well, me and Vill. She wants some purple and I want two shades of blue. I found a shop when I was walking around with Nadiah and it sold hair dyes of various brands. They also had bleach and just so many other hair products.

I want the bottom part of my hair to be visibly blue. So like a lighter than midnight blue kind of colour or maybe just bright, deep blue. As for the top of my hair, I want it to be really dark blue; blue black.

I'm so excited about this. Mostly because I'm going to do it myself. No salon. No expensive stylists.

I've watched so many videos on how to bleach and dye hair. I've watched tutorials on using different types of bleach and how to get the ombre effect. I now have a lot more information about hair dyeing than I did this morning. I know about different strengths of bleach and different brands of hair dye. I know why I should use foil and I know how to get an even colour.

I JUST WANT TO START PUTTING ALL THIS NEW FOUND KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE!

I am so restless. I just really want to dye my hair. It's so exciting; dyeing my own hair. It's so exciting to think that I'm going to have blue hair soon. It's so exciting to know that Vill is going to have some purple in her hair. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS EXCITING except the waiting. The waiting sucks.

And the only silver lining I can find is delayed gratification.

I will definitely love the blue hair so much more after all this waiting.

NOW PLEASE

I've also been thinking about actually having blue hair. Being a student, this would be great. I think I'll look nice with blue hair and I'd have so much fun telling people that I did it at home. AND, I would probably be more confident about dyeing my hair more often. I'm still in uni. I might as well make the most of it.

I doubt I'll be able to have funky hair in most jobs in Malaysia.

Speaking of jobs, I haven't found anything that I could possibly apply for that is related to my psychology degree. It's kind of sad. So I don't want to think about it more on this post. Maybe another post in the future.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

Metaphysics and My Reality

I'm taking a Philosophy of Life and Death class this semester. It's mentally taxing and extremely intriguing. We talk about many philosophers and what they have said or written about life and death. We talk about contemporary ideas on philosophy and we challenge our own ideas on meaning and everything else related to philosophy.

The best (and worst) part about this class is that I start each lesson feeling confused and eager and by the end of it I'm confused and lost. 

For now, we've gone into metaphysics. We're talking about reality and the nature of it. There are a few main hypotheses about reality posed by a few philosophers; duality, computer mediated, creation and a combination of all three. (I was gonna link you to things but it's more of a bunch of links for each theory so you can go here to look at it all and more)

Personally, I really like the duality hypothesis. It makes sense to me and I like what it implies about reality.

Basically, we have the external, physical world and the internal reality which is our mind (thoughts, ideas and perceptions). Reality is the physical and the mental aspects coexisting. Two separate aspects, that is, where the mind is somewhat in control of the body and the physical world but it is also limited to the environment we are in because the mind responds to outside stimuli quite a bit.

What do I think is reality? What is my take on the nature of reality?

I don't fully know yet. I do think that whatever I'm about to say isn't original. I've collected thoughts and ideas from other people, other thinkers, and merely pieced some parts together to fit my understanding.

Reality is the life I lead. It is true for me. The limited space/environment that I am in is my reality and the knowledge and information I can access adds to that reality. The physical world is a huge part of my reality and it has a major impact on my internal world, which in itself is vast and seemingly infinite. I cannot discount science because I do think that it provides us with some form of understanding of the world we live in. However, I cannot say for certain that science is accurate because every form of measurement was conceived in relation to everything else in the world. Which means that science is only accurate in relation of everything else. Measurement is what we humans created so that we could have some structure. So if we meet an alien race, their measurements would likely be entirely different to ours. That brings up an issue because if science is only accurate in relation to everything else, we will need to make sure that everything else is accurate in order to say that our science is accurate. But how do we do that? The whole concept of measurement is that it is done in relation to everything else. This then renders science inaccurate or at least, unreliable in the grand scheme of things, at least in my reality. 

So what is accurate? I don't think anything can be accurate; at least not by my understanding. Accuracy is what we say it is and nothing more. Who is to say, then, that reality is not that as well? Following that train of logic, reality is what we say it is. Reality is subjective. And so my reality is what I make it, within the confines of my knowledge and experience. If my external experience of the world has led me to an internal conclusion of the presence or existence of God or a divine/supreme/supernatural force, then that becomes my reality. 

That also means that I have to accept that other people have their own subjective reality. On the one hand, if I'm saying that I create my own reality, I can argue that these other realities that are subject to other people are merely my own creation. If I create my own reality, I also create the reality of others around me because they are just part of my creation of reality. A paradox.

On the other hand, I'd prefer to think that each person is real in their own right and they each have their own bubbles of reality. These bubbles may coincide or diverge, but they are subject to the person experiencing it. This means that I will have to accept that there are realities out there which are just as real as mine but I may never experience or know; so it is, at the same time, not real to me. Sounds like a multiple reality theory because it is, but this is one where all these realities coexist in one universe. 

Of course, I don't think this long winded explanation is fool proof, nor is it infallible. I'm sure I could raise more questions from my explanation if I thought about it longer. Like, if my mind is my reality, does that mean that everything I know and experience in my mind is real? If so, can I mould my reality to whatever I want it to be? And many other logically sound questions.

I am thoroughly enjoying this class.  *I've been gesturing the thumbs up in my head for everything positive I've encountered these past few day and I don't know why*

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.

Paper Towns, My Margo and Salty Fries.

I just read Paper Towns. It's a really good read. I've also recognised a pattern in John Green books, a pattern that is further corroborated by Paper Towns.

Paper Towns, specifically, goes something like this. Young man; nerdy, socially inept, life not fully lived. Young woman ; lost, damaged, confident, flamboyant and elegant, beautiful to the young man. He falls in love from a far. She teaches him how to be more than himself. She disappears. He grieves. He finds her. She leaves. They realise just how much more they have become because of each other, and because of themselves. Then they move on without each other.

Margo Roth Speigelman. I imagined her just like Quentin did. The Margo I know is not the real Margo. The idea I have of her is who I want to be. Not the real Margo, though. I don't want to be her. I thought I did. Because, like Q, I was engulfed with the idea of this paper girl and who I thought she was. As I neared the end of the book, I realised how wrong I was. My Margo was just another mirror. (Though sometimes I think I can come pretty darn close to being the real Margo).

My Margo. The wanderlust and the need to leave. To go somewhere new and be someone new, but doing it in a way that doesn't include ripping myself away from everything and everyone I love like a BandAid. The Margo who organises TP'ing campaigns and who explores abandoned buildings just to sit in them. That Margo. I am not brave enough to be that Margo.

What about the real Margo Roth Speigelman? I think she felt trapped. She felt unreal and she needed a new place to find herself. A new place to set roots in, only to feel trapped again and leave for another new place (like Q said). Constantly lost Margo.

But then again, we're all lost, are we not? At some point in every persons life, they feel lost. Some decide to un-lose themselves and accept the lives they have in the predictable path that's been laid out for them. These people decide to find themselves in routine and normalcy, thoroughly okay with fact that their lives will forevermore be nothing but routine and 'normal'. They'd embrace their true calling to live as just another statistic.

And others, others cannot bear to let themselves remain un-found and lost so they end up embracing the unplanned, the thrilling void of unknowing and adventure. They dive head first into nothingness and everything-ness because that is so much better than routine. It's just so much more.

I want to be the one who embraces adventure. I want to be the one who hops from town to town, always looking, never settling, knowing that the planning is what keeps me going more than the destination ever can. But eventually, I also want to be the one who embraces monotony and predictability. Can I be both? Or must I be neither?

Also, why do I even want to know these things?

***

On a side note, I was craving for french fries a few days ago. I really wanted some good potato fries. I wanted a combination of salty, skinny McD fries and fat, potatoey Carl's Jr. fries. I tried to satisfy this craving by make pumpkin fries but I failed miserably and ended up intensifying my craving for the regular potato variety.

A few days later, I woke up and I didn't want fries anymore. I mean, I wouldn't decline fries if someone offered me some but I definitely wasn't craving them.

It got me thinking about how temporary that was; the craving for something, anything. I wanted it so badly only a few days ago but now, I don't even think about it.

However, this over analysing of my craving for fries and the subsequent non-craving for said fries may just be a result of over-spill from processing Paper Towns and wanting to be my Margo Roth Speigelman.

Right now, I want fries again.

That one final stretch before the start of everything... or has everything already begun?

I’m thinking about the future, specifically my future, and I’m scared. I’m not even going very far into the future; more like the one that’s looming closer each day, the immediate post graduation future.

What’s next?

I am so afraid. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I know I want art therapy. Well, I know I want art in some way or the other and art therapy is the most obvious choice I have right now that involves both art and psychology (don’t want that degree to go to waste).

I told mama and she asked me, “Is it practical?” I HAVE NO IDEA. There isn’t really a market for art therapists here in Malaysia, I know that. I know that even the idea of therapy, no matter what the form, is still a taboo in this part of the world. So obviously, I’ll have to throw practicality out the window for this one. Will it guarantee me a stable financial basis? No. Will it even guarantee me a proper job? No. I don’t even know how to get into the field apart from getting an internship or Masters in Art Therapy which is not offered locally.

So what’s my back up plan? What happens if art therapy has to take a back seat for now? What happens if I cannot pursue art therapy right now, in the beginning of the rest of my life? What else can I do? I don’t want to do clinical psychology and I don’t want to do research. I also would rather not get into any form of corporate or organisational psychology because I am not a fan of big corporations or conglomerates. 

What then? What other options am I left with?

These were the questions mama brought up in our conversation about my near future. She’s right, of course. I have to think about getting a steady job, kicking off a career, financial stability, using my knowledge from the psych degree in a way that would benefit me.

BUT, I don’t want to think of it that way. I don’t want to choose my job or career path based on whether or not it’ll give me a good salary. I don’t want to think about the ‘practical application of my degree’. I don’t want to be stuck doing something just for the money. I want to do what I love. I want to make art and I want to use art to help people. I know the industry isn’t big here, not yet; but I would like to get into the movement of expanding the use of art in this country. I’d like to do that.

However, I am also acutely aware that my strong desire to get involved in art therapy is, right now, not altruistically motivated. I want to get involved in art for myself. I want art for me. I want to create things and learn new art forms. And right now, the only way I can make art and money at the same time seems to be through art therapy. And that’s not a good enough reason to be involved in therapy, I think - because what I want is selfish and this should be a selfless path.

So what then? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep studying (because I know that’s just a way for me to keep hiding from my future, delaying the inevitable responsibilities of complete adulthood), I don’t want a ‘boring and practical job’. I don’t want to have to pick a path based on financial needs and long term stability.

I want to do something that makes me happy.  I want to create. I want to participate in art. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. I want to live. How do I decide on that?

Paint Only Good Things

A close friend asked me once, "When your realise that a lot of people in your life can leave wounds in your soul, do you start wondering if they're worth it?" The answer is no. I never thought about it until she asked me that. But the answer I gave her came pouring out like I've had it in my head for years already. I guess I have subconsciously thought about (this point may not be relevant. I just wanted to point it out because the the human brain is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me).

Here's what I think:

Everything painful in life leaves a wound. Time heals it, sometimes without morphine. But most people do eventually heal. After that, you're left with a memory and a scar. 

Imagine you had a blank piece of paper and every person in life has a paintbrush. When you meet someone, be it for one moment or many moments, they leave a mark on your paper. Sooner or later, you realise that people sometimes leave marks that are not pretty at all and in a colour that you completely hate. So you stop letting people paint your paper because you don't want them to ruin it. You start by keeping them at arms length, fearing for the state of your piece of paper.

But still, some people are able to flick paint onto your paper. They get paint on the wrong spots and in the most horrible colours, even when you keep it so far away from them. So then you decide to put your paper in a glass case with whatever marks it already has. Your aim is, still, to preserve that piece of paper from further 'damage'. People try to paint it but the paint doesn't stick so they move on because life is about painting on other people's papers Eventually, you're left with that same old paper from the day you chose to box it up. The same marks, the same creases. Never changing. Stagnant. You don't allow for the chance that your paper might be painted by people who are beautiful and talented. You stand next to your glass encased paper and watch as people pass you by, insisting that you are better off like this.

Eventually, you get lonely so you finally decide to take your paper out of it's case because you want new paint on it and you think it's time. You are finally ready to take that chance. The moment you open the case, your paper crumbles in the air because the it's dry and brittle from being in the glass case for so long. There was no new paint to give it life, no wet paint to soften it. And all that you're left with is a pile of dust in your hands. No one else can ever paint it again because no one knows how to paint a pile of crumbled paper.

I think every person will leave a scar and everyone is worth it. At least until they start turning scars into fatal wounds. But till then, life is about painting other people's lives and trying your hardest to make sure you don't ruin their beautifully painted paper. Being wounded is a natural part of life. Without spots of intense ugliness on your paper, you'd never know how stunning the rest of it is. The point is to spread as much beauty as you can and to limit the amount of damage you bring into the world.

Everyone is worth the scars they leave you. Because the scars they leave you are what makes you special.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Assignment 2: Emotional Journal

That's what I have to do for one of my classes this semester. Since it's an official assignment, I need to also include journal articles and references but the basic idea is the same; write about one particular event that made me feel one particular emotion and analyse it, as one usually does when one keeps a journal.

I was really excited when I found out that this was the assignment. Here's why.

That's it. This right here, this blog. It's basically the entire assignment.

I write my thoughts down all the time. I talk to myself like this and at least half the time, I'm analysing emotional events. This will be a fun assignment, I'm sure. The tough part will be looking for journals but I think that won't be too bad because once I pick which three emotions (or emotional events) to write about, journals will be easy to pin down.

I just need to start going through my posts and things I've written these past two months. There isn't much this year compared to the previous years but I still have some pretty decent paragraphs. I can't wait to do this (once I eventually get started la... which will probably be sometime in the middle of March).

For now, I have an exam on Tuesday to worry about. I still have lots to read for this particular subject and I've not made any progress at all. I've been putting it off. What I do have is a bunch of excuses and complaints about why it's so difficult to get any studying done with the incredibly complicated notes that we have (notes that have been scanned and uploaded for us because the textbook is so bloody expensive and our lecturer is really kind to us).

I really need to work on this productivity thing (and typing without looking at the keyboard. I'm still a novice typer).

***

We talked about emotional regulation today. As predicted, we covered Freud's ego defense mechanisms: denial, displacement, projection, rationalisation, reaction formation, regression, repression, suppression and sublimation. We also talked about emotional coping strategies such as situation modification and cognitive strategies.

Basically, how to handle your emotions.

My favourite forms of coping with extreme emotional tidal waves are sublimation and rationalisation. Rationalisation is basically what I've always done. Going through a situation or event and making sense of it. That sounds easy to do and it sometimes is but also take a lot of thinking and analysing.

Sublimation is the more creative approach. When you sublimate, you channel the strong emotions into something productive like writing poetry or making any kind of art. Using those emotions as an energy which you then transform into something creative (or nice. Just... be productive).

I think that's a smart thing to do with your emotions. I think everyone should be exposed to these coping strategies. Many people are not familiar with the idea of emotional regulation. In fact, some people may not even realise that they can control or cope with their emotions. We are not soda cans that have been rolling around the backseat, just waiting to explode when we're popped. We are intelligent mammals who have undergone many years of evolution in order to be where we are today, with the most developed cerebral cortex of any animal in the known world. So, it should stand to reason that we are capable of managing our emotions.

We just need to be taught.