That one final stretch before the start of everything... or has everything already begun?

I’m thinking about the future, specifically my future, and I’m scared. I’m not even going very far into the future; more like the one that’s looming closer each day, the immediate post graduation future.

What’s next?

I am so afraid. I have no idea what to do when I get there. I know I want art therapy. Well, I know I want art in some way or the other and art therapy is the most obvious choice I have right now that involves both art and psychology (don’t want that degree to go to waste).

I told mama and she asked me, “Is it practical?” I HAVE NO IDEA. There isn’t really a market for art therapists here in Malaysia, I know that. I know that even the idea of therapy, no matter what the form, is still a taboo in this part of the world. So obviously, I’ll have to throw practicality out the window for this one. Will it guarantee me a stable financial basis? No. Will it even guarantee me a proper job? No. I don’t even know how to get into the field apart from getting an internship or Masters in Art Therapy which is not offered locally.

So what’s my back up plan? What happens if art therapy has to take a back seat for now? What happens if I cannot pursue art therapy right now, in the beginning of the rest of my life? What else can I do? I don’t want to do clinical psychology and I don’t want to do research. I also would rather not get into any form of corporate or organisational psychology because I am not a fan of big corporations or conglomerates. 

What then? What other options am I left with?

These were the questions mama brought up in our conversation about my near future. She’s right, of course. I have to think about getting a steady job, kicking off a career, financial stability, using my knowledge from the psych degree in a way that would benefit me.

BUT, I don’t want to think of it that way. I don’t want to choose my job or career path based on whether or not it’ll give me a good salary. I don’t want to think about the ‘practical application of my degree’. I don’t want to be stuck doing something just for the money. I want to do what I love. I want to make art and I want to use art to help people. I know the industry isn’t big here, not yet; but I would like to get into the movement of expanding the use of art in this country. I’d like to do that.

However, I am also acutely aware that my strong desire to get involved in art therapy is, right now, not altruistically motivated. I want to get involved in art for myself. I want art for me. I want to create things and learn new art forms. And right now, the only way I can make art and money at the same time seems to be through art therapy. And that’s not a good enough reason to be involved in therapy, I think - because what I want is selfish and this should be a selfless path.

So what then? Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep studying (because I know that’s just a way for me to keep hiding from my future, delaying the inevitable responsibilities of complete adulthood), I don’t want a ‘boring and practical job’. I don’t want to have to pick a path based on financial needs and long term stability.

I want to do something that makes me happy.  I want to create. I want to participate in art. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. I want to live. How do I decide on that?

Paint Only Good Things

A close friend asked me once, "When your realise that a lot of people in your life can leave wounds in your soul, do you start wondering if they're worth it?" The answer is no. I never thought about it until she asked me that. But the answer I gave her came pouring out like I've had it in my head for years already. I guess I have subconsciously thought about (this point may not be relevant. I just wanted to point it out because the the human brain is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me).

Here's what I think:

Everything painful in life leaves a wound. Time heals it, sometimes without morphine. But most people do eventually heal. After that, you're left with a memory and a scar. 

Imagine you had a blank piece of paper and every person in life has a paintbrush. When you meet someone, be it for one moment or many moments, they leave a mark on your paper. Sooner or later, you realise that people sometimes leave marks that are not pretty at all and in a colour that you completely hate. So you stop letting people paint your paper because you don't want them to ruin it. You start by keeping them at arms length, fearing for the state of your piece of paper.

But still, some people are able to flick paint onto your paper. They get paint on the wrong spots and in the most horrible colours, even when you keep it so far away from them. So then you decide to put your paper in a glass case with whatever marks it already has. Your aim is, still, to preserve that piece of paper from further 'damage'. People try to paint it but the paint doesn't stick so they move on because life is about painting on other people's papers Eventually, you're left with that same old paper from the day you chose to box it up. The same marks, the same creases. Never changing. Stagnant. You don't allow for the chance that your paper might be painted by people who are beautiful and talented. You stand next to your glass encased paper and watch as people pass you by, insisting that you are better off like this.

Eventually, you get lonely so you finally decide to take your paper out of it's case because you want new paint on it and you think it's time. You are finally ready to take that chance. The moment you open the case, your paper crumbles in the air because the it's dry and brittle from being in the glass case for so long. There was no new paint to give it life, no wet paint to soften it. And all that you're left with is a pile of dust in your hands. No one else can ever paint it again because no one knows how to paint a pile of crumbled paper.

I think every person will leave a scar and everyone is worth it. At least until they start turning scars into fatal wounds. But till then, life is about painting other people's lives and trying your hardest to make sure you don't ruin their beautifully painted paper. Being wounded is a natural part of life. Without spots of intense ugliness on your paper, you'd never know how stunning the rest of it is. The point is to spread as much beauty as you can and to limit the amount of damage you bring into the world.

Everyone is worth the scars they leave you. Because the scars they leave you are what makes you special.

Apologising is difficult. So don't do anything that would require an apology.

Why is apologising so hard to do?

I've had this question in my head for quite a while. I think about it sometimes and other times, I push it away because I don't want to deal with it. It's an interesting question, though.

I'm quite sure that there are many people in the world who find the act of apologising to be really difficult to go through with. I don't know if I have an answer that I'm completely satisfied with but I'm ok with the one I have so far. For now, at least.

To answer this question, I had to first ask myself what I do in my mind when I have to apologise for something. I went through the steps:

1. I recognise feelings of guilt and heaviness.
2. I try to brush off those feelings by placing the blame on someone else
3. I find that I'm trying to convince myself that whatever happened was not, in fact, my fault
4. I realise that I'm being a douchewad
5. I acknowledge that I was wrong and I need to apologise
6. I play out over 50 different scenarios of me apologising
7. I realised that I my heart is beating out the samba
8. I finally apologise

The problem is, by the time I get through all that, a significant amount of time has passed and that just adds to the difficulty level. The longer you wait, the thicker the air.

The other person might think that you thought were right, or they might think that you don't care enough to apologise. Both of these are most likely untrue but the longer you wait, the more truth you add to them, at least in the eyes of the person you wronged.

Eventually, you're brain will go back to step 2 because that's the only way it knows how to reduce the discomfort (other than actually apologising, of course). It's a vicious cycle and I know that I should never get caught in it because as much as time heals wounds, if you leave the knife in, time has a way for increasing the pain.

I watched a video on productivity. To be exact, it was about how to be more productive and to stop procrastinating. One of the advice was to break tasks up into smaller, less daunting bits. Like if you had an essay to write, it helps to break it down into it's individual sections like introduction, point 1 point 2, conclusion, and tackle each section separately. Smaller, less daunting tasks.

I decided to try this our with apologising. An entire apology definitely qualifies as challenge so I broke it down into small parts. Part one: getting the other person's attention (a tap on the shoulder, "Hey, ____"). That's all I have to think about first. Get their attention. Part two: Say the words, "I'm sorry." (and remember, apologise for what I did instead of how they're feeling, i.e: "I'm sorry I said/did that thing" instead of "I'm sorry you're upset/ I'm sorry that what I said - or did - upset you"). Part three: Wait.

So, does this help me answer my initial question - why is apologising so hard to do?

I don't think it does. Not completely. I am afraid, but afraid of what? I make a mistake and I should apologise but it seems like my ego is fighting against me, turning my guilt into displaced anger. Blaming everyone else but myself seems to be the biggest anchor. That makes acknowledging my mistake the biggest and most important step towards apologising.

(I've used the word 'apologise' 6 times in this post, 7 including that one. That's not a lot considering the total number of words there are in this post but it sure feels like a lot).

Assignment 2: Emotional Journal

That's what I have to do for one of my classes this semester. Since it's an official assignment, I need to also include journal articles and references but the basic idea is the same; write about one particular event that made me feel one particular emotion and analyse it, as one usually does when one keeps a journal.

I was really excited when I found out that this was the assignment. Here's why.

That's it. This right here, this blog. It's basically the entire assignment.

I write my thoughts down all the time. I talk to myself like this and at least half the time, I'm analysing emotional events. This will be a fun assignment, I'm sure. The tough part will be looking for journals but I think that won't be too bad because once I pick which three emotions (or emotional events) to write about, journals will be easy to pin down.

I just need to start going through my posts and things I've written these past two months. There isn't much this year compared to the previous years but I still have some pretty decent paragraphs. I can't wait to do this (once I eventually get started la... which will probably be sometime in the middle of March).

For now, I have an exam on Tuesday to worry about. I still have lots to read for this particular subject and I've not made any progress at all. I've been putting it off. What I do have is a bunch of excuses and complaints about why it's so difficult to get any studying done with the incredibly complicated notes that we have (notes that have been scanned and uploaded for us because the textbook is so bloody expensive and our lecturer is really kind to us).

I really need to work on this productivity thing (and typing without looking at the keyboard. I'm still a novice typer).

***

We talked about emotional regulation today. As predicted, we covered Freud's ego defense mechanisms: denial, displacement, projection, rationalisation, reaction formation, regression, repression, suppression and sublimation. We also talked about emotional coping strategies such as situation modification and cognitive strategies.

Basically, how to handle your emotions.

My favourite forms of coping with extreme emotional tidal waves are sublimation and rationalisation. Rationalisation is basically what I've always done. Going through a situation or event and making sense of it. That sounds easy to do and it sometimes is but also take a lot of thinking and analysing.

Sublimation is the more creative approach. When you sublimate, you channel the strong emotions into something productive like writing poetry or making any kind of art. Using those emotions as an energy which you then transform into something creative (or nice. Just... be productive).

I think that's a smart thing to do with your emotions. I think everyone should be exposed to these coping strategies. Many people are not familiar with the idea of emotional regulation. In fact, some people may not even realise that they can control or cope with their emotions. We are not soda cans that have been rolling around the backseat, just waiting to explode when we're popped. We are intelligent mammals who have undergone many years of evolution in order to be where we are today, with the most developed cerebral cortex of any animal in the known world. So, it should stand to reason that we are capable of managing our emotions.

We just need to be taught.

Vlogbrothers

John and Hank Green are brothers and they have a Youtube channel called Vlogbrothers. They post videos of themselves talking about lots of stuff. They talk to each other via these videos and sometimes they make videos together. I think (but I really have no idea and I'm too lazy and tired to find out) it started out as a way for them to just keep in touch and have fun creating things but then it grew it a huge channel as more and more people started to watch their videos. They have fans called Nerdfighters who are collectively know as Nerdfighteria. 

I think it's a really cool thing to do. Sometimes the videos are about one or two topics and other times it's just John or Hank talking to the other about stuff that's happening in their life and things they've been thinking about. I especially like when they end with, "I'll see you Monday" (sometimes it's Friday). It's adorable.

I just spent at least 2 hours watching some of their videos and I'm happier at the end of those at-least-two-hours. I really enjoy watching these videos and they actually make me feel better. It's really nice to see them talk to each other and joke around and be all brotherly. I think it's cute. Also, I like that John refers to his wife as 'The Yeti'. 

Anyway, it's a great channel to subscribe to if you spend a lot of time on Youtube. They both speak really fast so the videos are fast paced but I guarantee you, you will not be disappointed.


On a completely unrelated topic, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am blessed in more ways than one and I need not wallow in self pity or sorrow. I watched a lot of SoulPancake videos too and I realised that one of the best ways to live my life is to live it happily. So that's what I will do. 

*Insert A Witty Title About Brushstrokes*

Someone once told me to make a list of what I like to do and do it.

It took me a while, but I've started painting. Not regularly, though. I paint when I'm bored or just really feel like creating.

That's what I did today.

I used to think that painting (or creating) was therapeutic. Making things with my hands, watching things come together, art; I thought that it would make me feel better, and happier because I was making something out of stuff that are basically nothing on their own. That's the general idea, isn't it? When we say art therapy, we expect some sense of release and relief. We expect to be better off than when we started. I know now that I was wrong.

Today is my day off and I didn't want to read biopsych so I decided to paint instead.

I was relatively cheery these past 2 days. Everything seemed funnier and brighter. So when I picked up my paint brush and unscrewed the lids off my tiny paint bottles, I was expecting to feel even better at the end of the process; happier and a lot less bored.

The first page was nonsense. Just colours... not even nice colours. After that, I painted a cat silhouette. Then a ram. Then the TARDIS (which I ruined with a badly painted quote). I continued with a few other things.

Throughout the painting process, I suddenly felt lighter but darker. At first I didn't get it. I definitely didn't feel bored anymore, but I didn't know what else I felt.

Once I painted my last thing of the day, I laid back and started to think.

I wasn't bored anymore. I had worked that restless energy off. But I wasn't happier. In fact, I was less happy than when I started. I felt a little gloomier, sadder. And I didn't understand. Why did painting and creating make me feel so sad? It was supposed to do the opposite.

I kept thinking about it.

And then it hit me. Art didn't suddenly reverse it's effect. No. Art did exactly what it has always done. It stripped away my shell. With each brush stroke, I let my guard down. As I completed each painting, one more brick was removed.

Art revealed my core. It took everything away - the mask and the defense systems - and left me with the harsh reality of what I was really feeling. The sadness and the gloom. I was forced to face my waves. Apparently, I wasn't actually as happy as I thought I was. I mean, I know that I wasn't exactly chirpy and completely content. I guess I just didn't want to face the amount of 'sad' I have in me right now.

In hindsight, this is not all that surprising. I was putting on a mask and it worked well enough for me to ignore the tiny slivers of grey creeping through. I just laughed a littlelouder and smiled a little bigger to block it all out. Everything got ripped away when I started painting, though.

I won't say I feel better now but I know that I feel less fake. I suppose that's all that matters, really. Being real with myself.

The Caterpillar You Think You Understand

I wrote a story about a caterpillar today. Nothing special. It was about a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, and the existential crisis it encountered during the process. It got me thinking; if someone read that story, they could infer so much from it; about me, life, what they think I feel or am going through.

But then again, that's not what I put into the story. I didn't project myself onto the caterpillar in the story nor do I think I did it subconsciously. Yet anyone could infer anything from any story by any author. This makes the study of literature nothing but a guessing game.

That's all.

Here's a quote I saw today that I really like:

"God said "Love your enemy," and I obeyed him and loved myself." - Khalil Gibran

p.s: Here's another thought: The internet used to be a place where people were honest but if you look closely, you'll see the mask that is thickening over everyone's emotions. You can't see the truth if they don't let you. (This could be another one of those non-relevant/related things where people infer stuff from, or it could be a mask. I guess you'll never know)

The Lecturer's Fangirl

It's that time of the year again. Time for the shortest month of the year! Which also happens to be my favourite month... for obvious reasons.

This semester has been going quite well. The subjects are interesting, the assignments are not as taxing (or maybe I've just gotten used to handing in 15 pages for each assignment every semester), and the lecturers are brilliant.

I get to see Dr. Eugene for 2 classes every week. That's 6 hours per week! This has to be the best semester I've had since I began on this psycho path. Needless to say, I'm a little bit of a fan of Dr. Eugene. His classes are always interesting and I love listening to him speak. It sounds to me that sometimes his brain wants to get the words out a lot faster than he his vocal cords can keep up with so he stumbles. Or he sounds like he's about to stumble. He's brilliant and no one can change my mind about him.

I also have Mr. Alex who is a joy to have, especially since he's the Biopsychology lecturer. He explains things really well, in my opinion and his notes are concise. Mr. Alex is to me in HELP what Pn. Nik was in secondary school. I love Bio and he makes me love it more each class. I'm actually caught up on all my biopsych readings! I was quite surprised when I realised it.

Now all I need to do I keep up with all the readings that Dr. Eugene gives us. Seriously, almost every scientific research journal is a bore to get through. The introductions are sometimes interesting but when they're not, 6 pages of a scientific prologue can be a little too much. After that, I get lost somewhere around the Methods and Results sections. The discussions are fine if you know what you're looking for. And of course, the conclusions are the best part but also the most useless section of the journal if you're looking for a line or two to explain the gist of the paper.

Anyways, this post is really just something I wrote because I feel like writing. And I really needed to get all my excitement over Dr. Eugene out to somewhere other than Davina's ears. The poor lass has been listening to me fangirl over him for the past 3 weeks now.

Happy New Year, y'all!