Conscious Appraisals

I've been thinking (never a good sign, hmm) and I realised that I know where I want to be in the future. As in, I know what I want to be doing, the kind of person I want to be. However, I have no idea how I'm going to get there. The in-between, the journey... it's unknown to me. I have no clue and that scares me a little.

The fear of the unknown.

Someone asked me today if I was scared of anything and I suppose this is my biggest fear. Not knowing. Going in blind.

Also, I was thinking about character building. About how people choose to behave. The traits they choose to have or ones that occur naturally.

I suppose most of us do it unconsciously  We observe people and events in the world. Our experiences shape us. They shape our behaviour and how we react to anything. Either through Classical Conditioning, Operant Conditioning or Observational Learning, we develop traits.

But sometimes, we consciously learn. When we choose to break a habit, we do it consciously. We tell ourselves to do, or not do, something. We make an effort to shape who we are and what we may become.

My question is, how many of us actually do that?

I've learnt by now, that people do not behave in ways we think they might. People always surprise us. Often times, we think that we're the only ones who are weird. We may be the only person, save perhaps a handful of others, who eat apples with peanut butter. However, sooner or later, we find out that the apple-with-peanut-butter eating population is not a small one. There are other people out there in this world, in this huge world, who are just as weird as we are.

That doesn't make us any less special. No. But it also means that humans are not as different from each other as we like to believe. We share common traits. With more than 7 billion people on Earth, you'd be hard put to find one person who has a trait or habit that is unique to them.

Anyway, back to the point. Do we consciously shape our behaviour? I suppose more people do it than what I might originally think.

I know I do. When someone says something to me or if I read a line from a book, something that touches me or hits me profoundly, I tend to take it to heart. Suddenly, I find myself consciously changing. For example, I used to have a really short temper. I was always being teased and I never had any patience for it. I would sulk and get really upset. I'd say things and lose my temper quite a lot. Till one day, my mother told me that I shouldn't take everything to heart. That kids are just playing around and they mean nothing by it so I should not get so angry.

As soon as I heard her say those words, I felt my entire mind just shift. I decided that what my mother said was true and I should not lose my temper. From that day on, I consciously worked on it. Every time I was close to losing my temper, I'd tell myself, "Be calm. Patience. Brush it off."

And I think it worked. I have (or I'd like to believe that I have) my temper in check now (with the exception of my brother; he just hits the right nerve every single time). I don't get touchy when people tease me and I've learnt patience.

Currently, I'm working on "I'm sorry". A friend of mine pointed out that I don't actually sound sorry when I say it. For example, when I tell them that I can't join them for a movie and I apologise, she says that I don't really sound sorry. She feels like it's just something I say, like an automated response.

So, taking it to heart, I decided to change. I say sorry only when I really am sorry or if I can make sure I sound sorry. And when I am sorry, but cannot be sure that other's see my sincerity, then I do not apologise . For smaller things, like declining a movie invite, I don't say sorry because even though I am sorry, it's not grave enough for me to actually sound sorry.

Does that make any sense? No? Well, that's what I thought.

Why should I not apologise just because it doesn't sound like I'm sorry even though I actually am? My face is, when I'm completely focused, disconnected to the emotional center of my brain so my emotions don't show on my face. Which means that even though I truly am sorry for something, I may not actually look the part. But that should not discount or devalue the weight or truth of my apology.

I think it's unfair for anyone to tell me that I don't sound sorry enough.

So now, I have to tell my brain to readjust and stop trying to fix what is not broken. I shall apologise even though I run the risk of not sounding sincere enough. I took those words to heart and I've started to consciously alter my behaviour but now I feel really silly for even doing it in the first place. Now, I have to stop the process.

It's quite confusing.

Sorry for the chaos.

To end this, here's a quote from Doctor Who, The Rings of Akhaten (Series 7, Episode 8) about uniqueness [on a side note, I think this is a beautiful thing to say to someone who might not think they are worth anything]:

All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Galel. And there will never be another. Getting rid of that existence isn't a sacrifice, it's a waste!

Learning

I learnt an important lesson this week. Emotional support. I'm a problem fixer. When someone is upset or whatever, my first thought will be, "How can I fix this? How can I make you not feel sad or upset?".

But I know now that it's not always about 'fixing' a problem. Most of the time when people share their problems and worries with you, it is not to because they want you to present them with a solution. What they usually want is to know that you care. It's knowing that you care about how they're feeling and that you are there for them and that you love them.

At the end of our last Social Psychology lecture, Dr.Chua showed us a video of a couple getting therapy. The husband said something very important. He revealed that he now understands that what his wife wanted from him all along, that is emotional support. When she was upset, he'd shut down because he didn't know how to respond to her. But now he understands that all she ever wanted was for him to be emotionally engaged. She wanted him to know what she's feeling and be her shoulder to cry on.

Funnily enough, I thought I understood this after watching the video and maybe I did, but I didn't realise I was doing exactly what the husband did until later. A friend pointed it out. And suddenly, I got it. It's about being there for someone and saying, "Yes, I understand what you are telling me and I am here for you to lean on."

I hope I always remember this.

Moving on, I read this (though perhaps not in so many words) somewhere: "We can get up right now and choose to walk away or change something in our life and there is nothing to stop us yet most us don't"

This got me thinking, maybe it's because we're scared of change. Maybe we feel powerless?

But really, we're not. Far from it. We can change anything we want about our life. All we have to do is start. All we have to do is take one step.

I think most of us are so comfortable with the familiar that we don't try to change anything even if it's bad. It's a sad cycle that I think we need to stop. We have to work very hard at learning that we are in control of our lives and we can be different. We can do what we want and achieve almost any goal. The sooner we learn this, the sooner our children will know that they too are empowered.

The only limits in life are the ones you  make

Music for Numbskulls

Warning: contains strong language.

As a Malaysian, I am utterly and unequivocally infuriated at these ignorant imbeciles. What to they think they’re doing supporting a musical that bashes the LGBT community? I mean come on, how stupid can you be?? And you plan on stuffing these beliefs down the throat of every student in the country?

You bash the LGBTs because you don’t understand them. They ‘go against your beliefs’, you say. You think they’re disgusting and you honestly believe that every LGBT “throws loud parties, takes drugs and has casual sex”? Man, you have gone way past dumb and entered the realm of complete absurdity.

A person’s sexual orientation does not dictate whether or not they’re good people. A homosexual and heterosexual are equally as likely to  “throw loud parties, take drugs and have casual sex”. It’s got nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with your personal morals and principles. 

For the first time in my life, I am going to say that I am appalled and embarrassed at my fellow countrymen. They are staining my beautiful home with their dimwitted nonsense and I want nothing more than to stick every single person involved with this “musical” into a correctional facility. Though I do not hold much hope; some of them are just too far gone.

God bless Malaysia.

p.s: I am also very much annoyed at the fact that they’re using something as beautiful and precious as a musical to spread this disease.

p.p.s: I've had it with LGBTs who poke a stick at straight people who are supportive of them. We don’t support you to show that we’re not homophobic. We do it because we support human rights and we want you to have everything we do. We support the eradication of crippling stigma towards the LGBT community and marriage is just one part of it. So kindly remove that stick from up your behind.

End song.

Being Small and Happy

I was just thinking about this a few days ago. I said before that I don't want to be big. I want a simple life, on a farm. I'm not interested in being a well known PhD holder, world shaker type of person. What I want is a farm, a family and art. I want a simple life and I want to enjoy the simple things in that simple life.

I've been told that I'm special and this 'simplicity' is a waste. I'm bright and smart and kind and I should do all I can to be big and change the world (the world needs a lot of changing, I agree). Sometimes, I believe that. Sometimes I think, "Yeah, I should be big. I should work hard, expand my network and tackle real issues. Be the change." But then I realise that this is not what I want. Yes, the world needs fixing, and yes, I can help fix it, but I'm not interested in being some first class doctor or expert. I do not want to be an ambassador of some cause or the other. Those are all noble deeds but I don't want to be the person to do it.

I'm not one for ambition. I don't have anything against people with big dreams, you go get 'em. But I don't dream big. Not in the same stereotypical way, that is. My big dreams consist of a family, cows and chicken, an art studio/art therapy center, a big garden and a carpentry business on the side. This is what I yearn out of life. This is my goal. My main objective.

Now, this does not mean that I'm just going to sit by and watch the world spiral into a massive state of disrepair. No. What I'm going to do is fix it, one step at a time, in my own little way. I want to start an art therapy center. This method will not fix huge chunks of the world but it's a small start.

This is what I want. This is what I will have for myself. No big press releases, no big titles, no huge fan bases or giant houses. Just little ol' me in my little ol' round farm house running my little ol' art therapy center. All the while, doing carpentry on the side. :D

I think I can still be small and happy. Hey, I know I can be small and happy.

And I will be.

Unfocusedness

I've left for quite a while again. 

Honestly, I have not been motivated enough to write anything even though I usually have a million different thoughts running through my mind on any given day. It seems that whenever I try to write a new post about anything, anything at all, I draw up a blank.

I didn't know why. I was baffled. I thought perhaps my mind was tired or that I was focused on my assignments. But no. That's not it. The reason I have not been blogging much is because I am unable to keep my focus.

It keeps running away from me. My focus. I cannot seem to pay attention for one thing for too long. And by "too long" I mean anything more than 2 minutes (even that's a struggle sometimes). I find my thoughts drifting off every few minutes. I think about nothing at all. Sometimes I think about everything at once.

If I wrote out my thoughts during these moments, I wouldn't be able to find the right words because my brain works so much faster than my fingers can type. My brain thinks in abstract views and everything is somehow related. It's like watching 14 television screens at the same time, each screen showing a different thing. Yet, I understand everything (that's obvious though because it's my thoughts after all, no?)

Anyhow, here I am. I told myself to make sure I post something, anything. I feel like my writing skills are getting a little rusty. Also, my reading habits have been abysmal lately as well. It's taking me more than a week to read one relatively skinny novel. I'm ashamed of myself. Nothing has really captured my attention, you know? I've tried reading so-called interesting books but I've had no luck yet. 

Meh.

OH! I've been reading statistics stuff for the last hour. Or at least trying too. First up, stats is not easy. I understand when I read but the application part is stumping me. We have to run a Pearson's r test using SPSS for our assignment and to be honest, I'm completely lost. I know how to run the test but analysing it is a whole different ball game. I see numbers. I do not know what to do with the numbers but there sure are a lot of it. I'm going to keep trying. The tutorial this Monday is supposed to be on Pearson's r so I hope it helps. 

One other thing before I leave. DOCTOR WHO!:
1. A sonic screwdriver and a poster of "Van Gogh's" Exploding TARDIS is on it's way here as I type this. I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

2. The new episode will be out in 15 days!

3. I am building a TARDIS Bookshelf of my own. I shall keep you posted on the progress. So far, I've sketched the design. My dad and I are still debating on whether to make it form scratch or modify a bookcase. We'll see how it goes.

Allon-sy folks!

Cheese and Rice

How do I even function.

Voglio Roma

I haven't been on in almost a month. To be honest, I've been quite lazy about blogging.

Nothing much has been hapenning. Just school and stuff. This new semester is pretty ok. Very light in terms of assignments but I should really start studying :P Malaysian Studies and Moral studies aren't exactly interesting so there's a fair amount of effort required here. Still, I'm not too worried.

My birthday is this week. Plans are underway for a Very Harry Party :) We have jelly beans and owls, signs and table cloths. I cannot wait!!

Anyways, I've been missing Rome lately. I have this urge to just flee to Rome. I want to be in the city. Yes, it's packed to the brim with people (local and tourists) but I miss the fountains, the cobbled streets, the history, the air, and the Vatican.

I really just want to go back there. Live there, even. I want to stay in a small apartment, get myself a bicycle to go around and work some minimum wage job. I can go to work in the morning then spend my evenings roaming the streets, spending time from fountain to fountain. Reading up on their history and every night, I'll go to St. Peter's Basilica to watch the stars. I'll save up so that I can take a train every 2 months or so to some country side town for fun. Perhaps visit Tuscany. Or even Milan, for a change of city scenery.

I want Rome. I want the Vatican. I want to be there. I miss it so much.

Speaking of The Vatican, the Pope just announced that he's going to resign. He's citing ill health. This is quite shocking. Pope Benedict XVI is the first Pope in over 600 years to resign. He is also the 265th Pope and the first German Pope. Anyways, he officially steps down on the 28th of February.

This will be one for the history books.

Tagging

Peter, Davina and I signed up for a Graffiti Class at Crib KL. I really wanted to go because I've always like graffiti. It's an art form that I really love looking at and can't help but admire the amount of talent and work that goes into each piece. So, this was a perfect opportunity to learn something about graffiti.

The two people we had teaching us was Ian and Mun (Ian a.k.a Turf and Mun a.k.a Kos [as in K-OS: as in Chaos]).

Anyways, they were both really nice and they taught us a lot about the history of graffiti. It's relatively new, starting back in the 1960's. It started off in the US and soon expanded to all over the world. One really great  artist I've heard of is Banksy. He's done some really thought provoking stuff.

Anyways, they got us to start off by coming up with our own tag. Basically, it's a name/signature. For example, Mun's tag would be "Kos". So when paints, he'd tag his stuff with that, basically signing his piece. We had to first pick a name and then start off by writing it down. Then, we were suppose to develop it. Play around with the words, stretch them, tweak them, add stuff to them, and do whatever else to make them look unique. The best part is that your tag doesn't have to be legible to anyone but yourself.

Of course, Pete was in his element. All this sketching and creativity with a pencil thing. Dav and I were like fish out of water. We both started off just writing our names on the paper (because what else could we do, right!?). After a while, with Mun giving a few tips here and there, we both came up with tags that we were happy with:)

For the next part, they divided us into 4 groups and asked us to design a piece for Crib KL. They wanted us to come up with a piece for the word CRIB. We sat outside, in the garden; each of us working on one alphabet. My group wasn't too bad. Our words looked really good on their own but when it was put together, they still looked good but didn't necessarily flow well together. But still ok la.

Mun then showed us how to use the spray cans. He taught us about shadowing and outlining. Filling it and flaring. It was very exciting. After Mun was done teaching, we proceeded to paint our design onto their walls. It was really fun. Davina's group had this triangular house thing going on and Pete's group was inspired by PacMan. The other group was really good too. I think theirs looked like a really graffiti piece compared to all the others.

Davina's group (left) and Pete's group. And next to Pete's group, Peter proceeded to add his tag (the one in purple)

The really nice one (left) and my group. Mun did the 'Q' when he was teaching us. Also, if you look closely, you can see my tag in between my group's piece and Mun's Q, just above the tiny arch.

Anyways, I did the R. I think it looks really ugly but I am proud of it. I'm sure you can see that my groups piece is the worst. No flow, messy and no real idea. And I still like it!

I had tonnes of fun. It's pretty difficult to create art and even more so to do it on walls. My respect and awe for graffiti artists only deepened with this class.

Ok. Done :)
I'm gonna leave you with this piece right here. I have no idea who did it but I think it looks amazing. I can't even draw a face this well with a pencil but these folks can do it with spray cans. Respect.

If you want to go for something like this, check out the CultureRun website. They have tonnes of other classes and workshops you can go for. It's perfect.