Survival is Imminent.

The second day of orientation was a good one. I don't feel so dumb any more! The admin staff explained a lot of things to us. They told us about the online portals and elearning sites. They also explained the PTPTN application process and finally, how to read the schedule! :)

That was what I dreaded. The schedule they gave us was a terrible mess. It included the schedules for all three years. All in one! So naturally, it seemed like there were classes that were overlapping and stuff. And there were tiny little alphabets and numbers on the lower right corner of each little box. So, they pointed out to us which classes were ours and how to understand those little alphabets and letters.

Now, I understand! I know where and when my classes are and I know all the important details. At least, I know enough to move forward. Everything else, I'll figure out as I go along. It helps having those little booklets that the student commission made for us. It's a survival guide. Pretty neat idea, I think. It's got more than enough information to help us around. And the so-called Peer Support Group members are all very friendly. They said to keep in touch and feel free to ask them about anything at all, especially if we need help.

So, I'm heading to class on Monday, full of excitement and a little apprehension of what's in store. It's going to be good. I'm sure it is. :) First class is Leadership and Life Skills (sounds interesting enough) followed by Social and Business Communication (don't know what to think of that). So, 2 lectures on Monday; back-to-back. That's quite a stretch for the first day. I hope I can write fast enough to catch all the important bits of my lectures. I don't want to miss anything. I also for-see myself doing plenty of reading. This should be an interesting week :)

I also can wait for the days when all the clubs and societies are gathered in one place for us to explore. So far, I've set my sights of the Go-Cart Club and Dance Club. I know, I know. Neither clubs have anything to do with psychology, but hey, I want to have fun while I'm here. So, don't worry, I shall make sure I get involved in some psych activities as well.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy my weekend. I hope you do too.

HAPPY MERDEKA!

Bambi-esque

Oh Em Gee!!!

Today's the first day of orientation. We got a tour of the campus, heard a speech from the Dean of Psychology, had the entire staff introduced to us via power point by the Head of the Department and then took an English Proficiency Exercise.

I started out as I expected to. Meaning, I was quiet and reserved. I stayed out of big groups and I just listened to everything. I spoke to a few people and I kept trying to calm the butterflies in my tummy. Pretty standard stuff. But then I realised that the file they gave me was not supposed to be empty. Or actually, that it was supposed to be filled with papers and stuff.

That's when I started to panic. I managed to get what I need from the office but I was already too far gone by then. During the Dean's speech, he ended with a few example cases. Like, there's a 6 year old male who is being disruptive in class and does not pay attention. You have to come up with a diagnosis. Does he have a learning disability, if so, which one. And you have to come up with learning programme that suits his needs.

BAM!

That's the first taste I got. Definitely interesting. And totally new. I had no idea what my answer would possibly be. The Dean said that the point is, Uni is preparation so that by the end of 3 years, we should be able to answer these questions.

And then we went on to the English Proficiency Exercise. I thought, yea, I can do this. I mean, I'm not being cocky or anything, but I can read, write and converse in English pretty well. So, there's a high possibility that I'll do well in this and not have to take English for Psychology 101. We had to answer one of three questions. It was a short essay question. Our answers were to be between 200-250 words. Piece of cake; or so I thought. I saw the questions and my heart dropped.  (Cue second BAM!)

Q1 was the easiest question on the screen. Why did you choose psychology and what do you see yourself doing after you graduate. Questions 2 and 3 had me stumped. They were more psychologically based. I can't remember the exact questions but they were something along the lines of this: What psychological problems do you think this country faces and what do you think is the best way to overcome it. Something like that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I chose to answer question 1. Why? Because I didn't feel intellectually capable of answering either one of the other 2 questions. I have no idea what I think are the psychological problems this generation faces nor do I have any clues or ideas as to how the problem could be tackled.

I felt dumb, to be honest. I felt totally, and completely incapable of answering those questions. I don't know enough. Heck, I don't know anything! I don't read non-fiction books. I don't read psych books. I read fiction. Ask me about how to stop a genius, evil pixie from taking over the world or what a thestral is; those questions I can answer. So, ever since I saw those questions up on the screen, the butterflies in my stomach refuse to calm down. I managed to submit an answer to question one which I hope is good enough to exempt me from the EP101 class.

However, I still feel too dumb. I don't know why on earth I thought I could do psychology. I mean, sure, I did pretty well in STPM but I did Pengajian Am, BM, Econs and English Lit. Non of those subjects have anything to do with Psychology. So, what on earth was I thinking? What did I get myself into?

Here's what popped into my head: That West Wing episode when Josh got shot and had a flashback to when Bartlet just won the elections. Donna was interviewed by someone from a magazine and the writer commented that Donna had a Bambi-esque quality about her. She was told my a White House staffer that there's a nuclear warhead in the Rose Garden, which Donna then told the interviewer who promptly included that piece of information in the magazine. When Donna realised that it was a prank, she said; "I'm too stupid to live!"

Oh man. I hope I can get over this. I really, really hope I can get over this. I want so badly to learn more. My brain is just waiting to be supplied with information. I'm just itching to learn and discover things. HELP encourages their students to not just accept whatever is given to them in the classrooms but to be inquisitive and explore things for themselves as well. I can't wait for that. I just hope I work hard enough to process all this awesomeness. Basically, I hope I don't crash and burn.

Anyway, it's all so exciting. I need to get a laptop soon though, I think. It seems I'm going to be using the computer a lot. So much money. Hmm..

I'd like to end this post with a music recommendation. The band is called "Of Monsters and Men". I know the band name sounds like they sing heavy metal or something but they don't. They make very good music. So, go! Listen to them on Youtube. Try listening to the song "From Finner" first. Bonus: They're Irish! :)

Oh The Colour Purple:)

Tomorrow is going to be my first day at University. I'm as nervous as anything! I have everything ready to go (except my water bottle, which is missing, and my ring, which I seemed to have misplaced). I'm super excited though. There's going to be new people, new adventures. I always hear about how fun life at University is, so I can't wait for some first-hand experience! This is a whole new chapter in my life and I can't wait to turn the page!

Speaking of pages, I have my Kindle back! Wohoo!! Aunty Lucy arrived home on Sunday with my baby Kindle in tow, thankfully. So, I can finally read on it again, not to mention start playing games too:) However,  in these two months of being without the Kindle, I started to read paperback books again so I'm having a little bit of an adjustment issue. I'll get over it soon enough, though. Because I have Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian to read! Muahahhaa:)

Oh, another big announcement: I won a Big Bad Wolf Book Sale Preview Pass!~

Which means, just like last year, I get to go to the sale a day before it's opened to the general public! The sale is going to be even bigger this year, with 3 Million books! The only thing left to do now is to wait for December 6th!:) So, thank you Lt. Black Paw!

Moving on, I dyed my hair! I really wanted to do something to my hair because I was getting kind of bored with it. I didn't want to cut it so, I opted to go purple! :) I wanted a visible purple, like not too bright but just bright enough to distinguish the difference between the black and purple parts. I didn't dye my whole head of hair, by the way. Just the bottom half.

Anyway, here are some pictures of the process, just for fun:)

Prep time. (Fuhh, that's really how long my hair is now?)

Bleaching. (Cz you know, purple doesn't stand out on black)

Adding the colour! (Reading Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception on my lovely Kindle!)

Getting some sort of treatment. I look like I have a UFO lading on my head.

So, that's the process. I haven't taken a picture of the end result yet. I want to make sure the colour is completely visible, so once I rescue the camera from my brother's car, I shall take a picture:) It's not exactly as bright as I had imagined it to be but I quite like it.

Anyway, I'm excited about it. I really like the colour. I'm thinking of keeping it for a while:) Teehehe:)

So yea, first day tomorrow. I'm pumped. I hope I remember how to write with a pen. I had a little trouble locating my pencil case but it's settled. I'm all set. I definitely have to visit a stationary store soon though, cause my ball point pens are running low of ink. I don't know about notebooks though. I may need them, I may not. That'll just have to wait till I start actual classes.

I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow. I hope it's not boring. And I hope I meet some nice people:)

Anyways, gotta go now. Wish me luck! :)
Sleep well, everyone!!

I want....

Someone to hold hands with.
Someone to kiss because I can.
Someone to watch crappy movies with.
Someone to walk around with.
Someone to play rummy with.
Someone to cuddle up with.
Someone to stroke my hair.
Someone to hug me from behind.
Someone to hold me when I cry.
Someone to buy me random gifts.
Someone to find new music with.
Someone to talk to.
Someone to cook for.
Someone to eat with.
Someone to make art with.
Someone to sit in silence with.
Someone to accept my love.
Someone to nag.
Someone to play under-the-table-footsie with.
Someone to watch plays with.
Someone to take to wedding receptions.
Someone to share a milkshake with.
Someone to stick up for me.
Someone to be my guy.
Someone who wants to be my guy.
Someone who wants me to be their girl.
Someone to love.
Someone who wants me to have their babies.
Someone to be the Carl to my Ellie.
Someone whom I will have forever in my life.

That Someone.

(2nd post of the day)

The Selfish Little Happy Bubble

These past few days have been good. Well, they didn't start out as good but they ended well. Mum and I drove all around trying to get a manicure but almost every place was fully booked. One place told us to come back later but we were really frustrated by then so we just headed home.

We spent so much time just driving around for 3 days but accomplished nothing. We were really frustrated. I reached a point where I didn't want to do anything. We ended up sleeping the days away. Finally, today, our luck changed. We got ourselves manicures and pedicures! Now we know better; make appointments, don't just walk in. So, today was good.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Went shopping with Claudine. We didn't find what she was looking for but we had fun. It's nice to spend the day with Claudine. She's a smart one. Makes me feel like I should read some non-fiction, thought-provoking books just so I can be on her level.

Anyway, we had a bit of an adventure too. As we got out of the monorail, Claudine's glasses fell. So basically, we left the train but the glasses decided to stay. Anyway, the couple that were sitting next to us picked it up and was waving to us through the window. Two seconds later, the train left the station.

Claudine and I decided to head to the next station. We though, hopefully, that they would leave it at the counter. Though, we couldn't be sure which station they were getting out or if they would even give it back. Anyway, we headed there but no luck. So, on to the next station.

We asked the lady at the counter and she was nice enough to call the other stations to check if anyone had handed the glasses in under lost and found. She said we should check back at the station we first got off. We went back and amazingly, the glasses were there. The couple had probably gotten off at the next station and turned back so they could give us the glasses. That was really nice of them. To take time out of their day to do that. So, yesterday was a good day too.

Now, on to the personal segment.

I don't like it when people are always sad. Or always angry. I feel like, I'm happy and I do not want anything to dampen my happiness. And yes, that is very selfish of me.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with sadness. Some people are always sad. Bad things always happen to them and sometimes, they're just to hard on themselves and they stress themselves out too much. I'm a positive being and the whole aura of negativity really brings me down. I don't want that right now. So, when there's sadness near me, I just shut down and retreat into my little bubble.

I like being happy and carefree. I love being simple. I'm content. And I'm really happy that I'm feeling this way. Sometimes, I really get down on myself. I've been really sad for not reason. There have been times when I was just constantly sad or angry. I don't know if I was depressed. That seems a lot more serious but perhaps it was a mild form of depression. Anyway, I've been there. But now, I'm in my Happy phase and I want to stay here as long as I can. So, naturally, I try and stay away from the opposite.

I do want to be there for my friends when they need me but at times like these, I feel like I can't talk about the happy moments in my life because it seems more than a little insensitive. Like, I can see the look of, "Well, glad you had a good time, really. But I'm suffering. So, can we focus on the bad for a minute?". That's what it feels like and I don't want to be insensitive towards other people's sufferings. I mean, I want to inhibit the frame of mind you are in so I can offer some real empathy, you  know. Really be there for you in the way you need me too. But right now, I do not want to surround myself with that. I want to be able to have fun with people. I want to be able to talk and joke and make art and laugh.

So, today, this week, I chose to put myself first. I chose to stay in my own little world and avoid the sadness because I'm not ready to let it go.

It hurts me to see people who I really care about be constantly upset. I can't remember them being just happy and carefree. They're in there somewhere but nowhere to be found, not just yet. And I'm tired of it. And I feel really guilty about what I'm feeling, about putting myself first.

But this is it. This is what I'm doing. I need this now. I will not go back to that dark place. And that means I can't be there for people who are in their dark place and I hate it. But that's my choice and I will live with it, I have to.

**
*

On another note, that has nothing to do with what's written above, I've always wondered what it's like to date an actor. Hmm....

You Are Mine

This week, CDM's 3rd newsletter of the year was finally published. This issue focuses on youth. Most of the articles in this issue was written by various youths from CDM. On page 1, the article is by me!! :)

I'm pretty excited about it. It's a great feeling to have your work published, even in something as simple as a newsletter. Everyone who has a copy would have read it. It's amazing, really. :)

Anyways, that's number one. Number 2 is this: Mass today was great. We went in late because our BEC conducted the breakfast sales today so we had to clean up. We managed to sneak in just as father started his sermon.

The gospel today was from John 6: 41-51. It's the "I am the Bread of Life" reading. Father said, during his homily, that we all suffer from some degree of spiritual dryness. He said that sometimes, we feel like nothing is right. Like the whole universe is going wrong and everything is going wrong in your life, your job, your relationships. And you reach a stage when you either just want to numb the pain or that you're so numb and all you want is to be able to feel something again and how some people do that by self-harming.

My eyes were immediately swimming. On Tumblr, I follow some blogs. And I know from what they post that they're good people. But they also go through so much and a surprising number of people suffer from depression and resort to self-harming, just so they can feel something again. I couldn't help but think of them today.

My heart aches for them, all those people in the world, especially the young ones who suffer so much at such a young age. The only way they know how to respond is by cutting themselves. At the same time, I'm amazed at how many of them actually don't want to do it. They just don't know any other way. They try so hard and they help each other out. When someone says that they managed to go for 2 weeks without cutting, then it's cause for celebration. And if they relapse, it's time to flood their inbox with encouragement.

Father said today that this state of being, this darkness we sometimes feel usually means that we also suffer from spiritual dryness. Today's readings are all about how God is our life. He feed us, he is our manna from heaven. "'I am the bread of life,' says the Lord, 'he who comes to me shall not hunger.'" I've never understood a Sunday message so clearly before.

Just listening to father speak really hit my heart in a way no sermon has before. I just want to give everyone a hug, tell them that the world isn't such a terrible place. That happiness and fulfilment is entirely possible, if only we remember that it is.

Today, I was wholly present in mass. And it felt great.

And that song at the end, 'You Are Mine'. I think everyone should have that on their playlist, on shuffle. Because I'm sure that if you do, then God (or the universe or Gods or Goddesses or whatever works for you) will make sure that it plays just when you need it to. If only we remember that in everything we do, God is with us, then we'll always know for sure that there is no such thing as infinite sadness. We will know that joy comes, it always does.

Today, I knew for sure that I'm on the right path in my life. I know what I'm supposed to do.

DLCW: Hero.

I just have to get this out.

Almost every Malaysian was hanging on the edge of their seat yesterday, watching our very own Dato' Lee Chong Wei battle his long-time on-court rival Lin Dan for the Olympic Gold. We all saw him claim the first set with incredible gusto. We saw him fight and keep fighting right to the end. Alas, he lost the next 2 sets and settled for silver.

However, no one can claim that he did not fight till the end. No one can say that he didn't do his best or that he lost his will. LCW fought his way through. It was such a close finish. He made us all very proud. Every Malaysian watching had our hearts broken, not because LCW got silver but because we saw him fall to the ground at the end. He, the only one to win a medal for Malaysia (so far), was upset that it wasn't good enough.

Let me tell you this, it's perfect. He brought his best on that court and he played amazingly. He single-handedly rallied every Malaysian. He speared right through out hearts and found a place among those we call our heroes.

LCW apologised, more than once, to us all for not being able to get the Negaraku played at Wembley. To see him shed tears at the end, it tugged at my heart strings. He fought valiantly and to that I think we all owe him. He won us our first medal, he put us on the map. He is an inspiration to us all.

I gotta say, I just feel like giving him a huge hug and telling him that we all love him so, so much and that we appreciate every bead of sweat he shed (that would be about a litre or two, judging by how many times they had to mop the court during that final match).

I found this video on Facebook. Student from UTAR made this video for Dato' Lee Chong Wei. Their salute to him.

Take that and multiply it by the number of every single proud Malaysian (28 million, I think would be a safe bet). This is for you, DLCW.

I hope he sees it and realises just how proud we are of him.

Disappointment.

Let's talk about disappointment. Well, if we could talk that is. But since we can't, let me type about it and you read it.

When I was just a lowly committee member in the youths, I tried to do well. Of course, there were times when I didn't give my full commitment. And there were also times when me and a few others thought that we could do better. Maybe because from our point of view, we saw many a faults in everyone else.

Now that I'm on top, I realised that it's much harder and I understand why it's so hard. Now, I actually thought that those whom I used to see eye to eye with would be there for me but I was mistaken. Right now, the ones who I was counting on are the one who seem to be letting me down repeatedly.

I never thought I would say this but I'm so fed up with them right now. We have a really young committee. Only 4 of us were actually part of the previous committee. So, it stands to reason that we would be the ones to help roll things along.

However, this isn't how it's going. I feel like I'm on my own. The rest of them, the young ones, they're ok. They don't know much and they need guidance but they are committed. The thing is, I cannot do this on my own. I need the help of the older ones but they've left me hanging.

Hmph..

Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.