The Selfish Little Happy Bubble

These past few days have been good. Well, they didn't start out as good but they ended well. Mum and I drove all around trying to get a manicure but almost every place was fully booked. One place told us to come back later but we were really frustrated by then so we just headed home.

We spent so much time just driving around for 3 days but accomplished nothing. We were really frustrated. I reached a point where I didn't want to do anything. We ended up sleeping the days away. Finally, today, our luck changed. We got ourselves manicures and pedicures! Now we know better; make appointments, don't just walk in. So, today was good.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Went shopping with Claudine. We didn't find what she was looking for but we had fun. It's nice to spend the day with Claudine. She's a smart one. Makes me feel like I should read some non-fiction, thought-provoking books just so I can be on her level.

Anyway, we had a bit of an adventure too. As we got out of the monorail, Claudine's glasses fell. So basically, we left the train but the glasses decided to stay. Anyway, the couple that were sitting next to us picked it up and was waving to us through the window. Two seconds later, the train left the station.

Claudine and I decided to head to the next station. We though, hopefully, that they would leave it at the counter. Though, we couldn't be sure which station they were getting out or if they would even give it back. Anyway, we headed there but no luck. So, on to the next station.

We asked the lady at the counter and she was nice enough to call the other stations to check if anyone had handed the glasses in under lost and found. She said we should check back at the station we first got off. We went back and amazingly, the glasses were there. The couple had probably gotten off at the next station and turned back so they could give us the glasses. That was really nice of them. To take time out of their day to do that. So, yesterday was a good day too.

Now, on to the personal segment.

I don't like it when people are always sad. Or always angry. I feel like, I'm happy and I do not want anything to dampen my happiness. And yes, that is very selfish of me.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with sadness. Some people are always sad. Bad things always happen to them and sometimes, they're just to hard on themselves and they stress themselves out too much. I'm a positive being and the whole aura of negativity really brings me down. I don't want that right now. So, when there's sadness near me, I just shut down and retreat into my little bubble.

I like being happy and carefree. I love being simple. I'm content. And I'm really happy that I'm feeling this way. Sometimes, I really get down on myself. I've been really sad for not reason. There have been times when I was just constantly sad or angry. I don't know if I was depressed. That seems a lot more serious but perhaps it was a mild form of depression. Anyway, I've been there. But now, I'm in my Happy phase and I want to stay here as long as I can. So, naturally, I try and stay away from the opposite.

I do want to be there for my friends when they need me but at times like these, I feel like I can't talk about the happy moments in my life because it seems more than a little insensitive. Like, I can see the look of, "Well, glad you had a good time, really. But I'm suffering. So, can we focus on the bad for a minute?". That's what it feels like and I don't want to be insensitive towards other people's sufferings. I mean, I want to inhibit the frame of mind you are in so I can offer some real empathy, you  know. Really be there for you in the way you need me too. But right now, I do not want to surround myself with that. I want to be able to have fun with people. I want to be able to talk and joke and make art and laugh.

So, today, this week, I chose to put myself first. I chose to stay in my own little world and avoid the sadness because I'm not ready to let it go.

It hurts me to see people who I really care about be constantly upset. I can't remember them being just happy and carefree. They're in there somewhere but nowhere to be found, not just yet. And I'm tired of it. And I feel really guilty about what I'm feeling, about putting myself first.

But this is it. This is what I'm doing. I need this now. I will not go back to that dark place. And that means I can't be there for people who are in their dark place and I hate it. But that's my choice and I will live with it, I have to.

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On another note, that has nothing to do with what's written above, I've always wondered what it's like to date an actor. Hmm....

You Are Mine

This week, CDM's 3rd newsletter of the year was finally published. This issue focuses on youth. Most of the articles in this issue was written by various youths from CDM. On page 1, the article is by me!! :)

I'm pretty excited about it. It's a great feeling to have your work published, even in something as simple as a newsletter. Everyone who has a copy would have read it. It's amazing, really. :)

Anyways, that's number one. Number 2 is this: Mass today was great. We went in late because our BEC conducted the breakfast sales today so we had to clean up. We managed to sneak in just as father started his sermon.

The gospel today was from John 6: 41-51. It's the "I am the Bread of Life" reading. Father said, during his homily, that we all suffer from some degree of spiritual dryness. He said that sometimes, we feel like nothing is right. Like the whole universe is going wrong and everything is going wrong in your life, your job, your relationships. And you reach a stage when you either just want to numb the pain or that you're so numb and all you want is to be able to feel something again and how some people do that by self-harming.

My eyes were immediately swimming. On Tumblr, I follow some blogs. And I know from what they post that they're good people. But they also go through so much and a surprising number of people suffer from depression and resort to self-harming, just so they can feel something again. I couldn't help but think of them today.

My heart aches for them, all those people in the world, especially the young ones who suffer so much at such a young age. The only way they know how to respond is by cutting themselves. At the same time, I'm amazed at how many of them actually don't want to do it. They just don't know any other way. They try so hard and they help each other out. When someone says that they managed to go for 2 weeks without cutting, then it's cause for celebration. And if they relapse, it's time to flood their inbox with encouragement.

Father said today that this state of being, this darkness we sometimes feel usually means that we also suffer from spiritual dryness. Today's readings are all about how God is our life. He feed us, he is our manna from heaven. "'I am the bread of life,' says the Lord, 'he who comes to me shall not hunger.'" I've never understood a Sunday message so clearly before.

Just listening to father speak really hit my heart in a way no sermon has before. I just want to give everyone a hug, tell them that the world isn't such a terrible place. That happiness and fulfilment is entirely possible, if only we remember that it is.

Today, I was wholly present in mass. And it felt great.

And that song at the end, 'You Are Mine'. I think everyone should have that on their playlist, on shuffle. Because I'm sure that if you do, then God (or the universe or Gods or Goddesses or whatever works for you) will make sure that it plays just when you need it to. If only we remember that in everything we do, God is with us, then we'll always know for sure that there is no such thing as infinite sadness. We will know that joy comes, it always does.

Today, I knew for sure that I'm on the right path in my life. I know what I'm supposed to do.

DLCW: Hero.

I just have to get this out.

Almost every Malaysian was hanging on the edge of their seat yesterday, watching our very own Dato' Lee Chong Wei battle his long-time on-court rival Lin Dan for the Olympic Gold. We all saw him claim the first set with incredible gusto. We saw him fight and keep fighting right to the end. Alas, he lost the next 2 sets and settled for silver.

However, no one can claim that he did not fight till the end. No one can say that he didn't do his best or that he lost his will. LCW fought his way through. It was such a close finish. He made us all very proud. Every Malaysian watching had our hearts broken, not because LCW got silver but because we saw him fall to the ground at the end. He, the only one to win a medal for Malaysia (so far), was upset that it wasn't good enough.

Let me tell you this, it's perfect. He brought his best on that court and he played amazingly. He single-handedly rallied every Malaysian. He speared right through out hearts and found a place among those we call our heroes.

LCW apologised, more than once, to us all for not being able to get the Negaraku played at Wembley. To see him shed tears at the end, it tugged at my heart strings. He fought valiantly and to that I think we all owe him. He won us our first medal, he put us on the map. He is an inspiration to us all.

I gotta say, I just feel like giving him a huge hug and telling him that we all love him so, so much and that we appreciate every bead of sweat he shed (that would be about a litre or two, judging by how many times they had to mop the court during that final match).

I found this video on Facebook. Student from UTAR made this video for Dato' Lee Chong Wei. Their salute to him.

Take that and multiply it by the number of every single proud Malaysian (28 million, I think would be a safe bet). This is for you, DLCW.

I hope he sees it and realises just how proud we are of him.

Disappointment.

Let's talk about disappointment. Well, if we could talk that is. But since we can't, let me type about it and you read it.

When I was just a lowly committee member in the youths, I tried to do well. Of course, there were times when I didn't give my full commitment. And there were also times when me and a few others thought that we could do better. Maybe because from our point of view, we saw many a faults in everyone else.

Now that I'm on top, I realised that it's much harder and I understand why it's so hard. Now, I actually thought that those whom I used to see eye to eye with would be there for me but I was mistaken. Right now, the ones who I was counting on are the one who seem to be letting me down repeatedly.

I never thought I would say this but I'm so fed up with them right now. We have a really young committee. Only 4 of us were actually part of the previous committee. So, it stands to reason that we would be the ones to help roll things along.

However, this isn't how it's going. I feel like I'm on my own. The rest of them, the young ones, they're ok. They don't know much and they need guidance but they are committed. The thing is, I cannot do this on my own. I need the help of the older ones but they've left me hanging.

Hmph..

Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.

I Hate Hamlet!

So, I went for a play last night with mum and Bengs. It was called I Hate Hamlet. Written by Paul Rudnick, directed by Nick Dorian and performed by the T4YP year 5 ensemble as well as some from the alumni.

First of, I gotta say that I really like the KLPAC compound. Just being in the vicinity makes me feel so artsy! :) There's this one building; it's 2 storey's high and both levels are full of arches. It's just incredible. The brickwork walls, the many arches, the grass and the fact that it's kind of in ruins; it's just beautiful!

Anyway, on to the play. I really enjoyed it! I mean, I really don't know much about theatre and performing live but I really enjoyed the show and that's all that matters. The actors were great. I laughed a lot and of course, the script was hilarious.

Nick Dorian, director, was also in it. He played John Barrymore (ghost). He was really good! I've always liked him so, this is a no brainer for me. Obviously, I think he's great. I also really liked the guy who played the lead, Nabil (character: Andrew). I saw him in Twelfth Night a couple of years ago. Back then, he kind of swallowed his words but now he's awesome! And he's got lovely hair! The girl who played the lead's girlfriend was great too. She was very cute. I liked her character very much, almost insane but adorably so.

The story was about a TV actor who was  selected to play Hamlet at the open air theatre in New York. He wasn't confident that he could be a great Hamlet. So then the ghost of John Barrymore appears and convinces him that he'll be ok.

They work on it and he performs. Andrew, as it turns out, was terrible. But there was 10 seconds of greatness and Andrew ends up hooked on theatre. All in all, I loved the jokes and sarcasm. The actors delivered well, in my inexpert opinion.

I love watching plays, so much more than movies. There's just something about watching live shows that is so beautiful. It's art being made right in front of you. Like watching Picasso paint, or Micheal Angelo sculpt. Being right there while art is being created and brought to life. There's nothing like it.

Anyway, I had fun. Of course, one of the highlights of the night for me was passing Nick Dorian when we exited the theatre. I passed right by him! He's pretty tall, or maybe I'm just short. Either way, I was so excited! :)

I mentioned that on twitter and he replied! It was a good end to the week:) He probably thinks I'm a mad fan girl and he wouldn't be far off (I'm not actually mad. I just seem like I am :P ) But anyway, I'm up for more plays, especially if Nick Dorian is in it:) I might say hi next time! :) (Most probably not, I'd be incoherent.... Hmmm..)

Solitary Confinement

So, being back home is great. It's really is. I have my own bed, I know where everything is. I can bake when I feel like it and I can do arts and crafts. The only problem is that I have no 'semangat' to do anything. I'm home alone and I do not like it.

I guess that was the best part about being in Perth. I wasn't alone at home. I didn't exactly do much with anyone but at least I was not alone. There were other people present so I wasn't exactly alone. And that was good.

But now, I'm just watching TV, being stuck in my own head with no drive to do anything. I don't even have my kindle. I left it at Perth. Not to worry, though, 'cause Aunty Lucy will brnring it back with her next month. However, I never expected to miss it this much. I guess  really was using it a lot more than I thought I was.

Anyway, I feel like doing so many thing (cooking, baking, sewing, art) but I'm resigned to sitting in front of the TV while blogging about my solitary lifestyle. Hmph.

In WA....

I'm back!

Perth was great!:) It was nice to see Uncle James again, even though I don't really remember him. They were simply amazing to me. Kept feeding me, took me places. I had a ball. It's winter now so obviously, I was pretty cold (and I hate being cold) but otherwise, it was an awesome visit. 


Somehow, the sky feels nearer. I know that's stupid but that's how it feels. The moon seems a lot closer and in turn, the sky seems nearer too. The stars are all different as well. I could see stars every night. Their house is in a suburban area so the was minimal light pollution which meant that the stars shone in all their glory.

I saw kangaroos and koalas, foxes and owls, wallabies and wombats and even a dancing parrot! I was followed around by lambs for a minute and had my blouse chewed on by a goat. I fed a donkey too! I could not believe how big it's mouth was! Incredible!

They also took me to a chocolate factory (and yes, I obviously bought some chocolates, duh). Right next to that was a vineyard and we tasted wine and cheese. Yum:) Of course, in the dead of winter, the vineyard was bare but the wine was pretty good. And the view was great too.

One thing I really liked was that there were wild rosemary bushes growing everywhere. And the lavenders were in full bloom too. All in all, Perth smelt great! Between herbs, flowers and barbecue, my nose was having a party.

I bought tons of stuff to. Mission accomplished! I found shoes my size, jeans that I like, great blouses, a set of Rummy-O, and even matte nail polish! I spent every penny I had and I regret nothing. Oh, I also bought kangaroo meat back for bro. We're going to cook it tomorrow.

I tasted all three things that were on my list; kangaroo, crocodile and baramundi. My favourite of the three is crocodile, hands down. It tastes a little bit like chicken and totally delicious. Kangaroo isn't too bad and baramundi is really just another fish to me.

Anyway, I had a fun time there. I did miss home very badly but at the same time, I wish I could've stayed longer. I'm glad to be back though. The comfort of my own home, my own bed, the PC all to myself:)

All that's left now is a month more of nothing and then begins my life in Uni. I'm stoked and very nervous about it. It's going to be the start of a new chapter and I cannot wait. I'm pretty sure I'll have a great time. No doubt about that.

As for now, I'm going to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and try own the new nail polish:)