Listen as the Clock Ticks

Even though this class is quite dull sometimes, Counselling Skills is one of the most helpful class I've taken so far in terms of practical applications.

Learning how to listen and empathise. Learning how to distance your personal views and opinions in order to fully comprehend where someone is coming from, their issue from their point of view.

I find myself consciously using these newly learned skills and techniques. I don't know if I'll ever use them in a professional setting but I do believe that this class is very helpful even in real life situations. I'm aware of my body language, my tone, my ability to track the story I'm being told. I make sure to maintain appropriate eye contact.

The downside to this is, however, that I'm suddenly much more aware of other people's body language and tone of voice. I'm becoming critical of how people respond when I'm speaking to them. I know that we all have our own styles in attending to a person but I feel like I can spot when someone is not exactly listening to me. I know when they don't care and when they're distancing themselves. All that kind of sucks.

***

I saw a bunch of my secondary school friends. I forgot how much I like spending time with them. We're a funny bunch of people. And to be honest, most of them grew up really well. Some strapping lads and stunning ladies they turned out to be.

I've never been one for keeping in contact with people. I'm not very good with birthdays and all but I am definitely glad that I still have them around. They make me laugh. We're all so different. Yet we're all the same; united under the same classroom.

***

Finally, I've actually been keeping to my to-o list, lately. I'm on track with my weekly readings and I'm pretty much in control of all my assignments. This is a little bit of a shock to me (which is why it warrants a mention) because I usually just end up with to-do lists scrawled on random bits of paper that I never follow anyway.

I feel organised and on top of things. I'm glad I've been able to do this. Now all I have to do it make sure I keep this up. I don't want to be falling into that deep pit of procrastination again, do I? The answer is, of course, no. 

Countdown:

27 days till Supernatural season 9

73 days till Doctor Who 50th Anniversary

11 days till my first assignment is due

2 days till the ERB assessment.

LISTS ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL!

Awkward Smile and Confused Eyes

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty dejected yesterday and in the past few weeks.

I wrote my feelings out on a piece of paper (typed out on an electronic paper but those are just minor details) and it felt good to get the words out of my head.

This morning, I was feeling a little better. Still gloomy but not terribly so. As the day went by, I laughed a little, on social cues. Then I laughed a little more because people were being funny. And eventually, I started laughing because I wanted to.

My lecturer was funny, my friends were funny, my new friend was funny and even though the sky accurately reflected my morning mood, my heart felt lighter.

I did kinda sink a little before I left uni. I had a good day and the thought of being locked inside my own head again was a little daunting. My heart reflected the sky, just then.

So I got on the bus after a calming hug from Peter. I tried very hard not to scowl. I focused on my  new shoes and kept telling myself to  lighten up. It was a mantra in my head. The bus went along it's merry way, headed towards the LRT station.

Then a guy boarded the bus. He took out a deck of cards and started to shuffle it in like a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he stumbled, sometimes he was so quick. Being the tactless little weasley that I am, I just stared at his hands, shuffling the deck, flipping cards and doing tricks.

He saw me looking and so he said he had way too much free time on his hands. Then I watched him practice a little more. After a minute or so, he asked me to pick a card from the deck. He did a little 'magic' trick where he shuffled the deck and found my card.

I saw the trick though and I told him so (yea Kath, strike at a guys ego before you even introduce yourself. Genius).

Anyways, we started talking a little after that. He's name is Joshua and he's an ADP student. He's been shuffling cards with style for about 6 months and he thinks I look like I'm 18 years old (What's new? When he said that, I just said, "Yea, I know." Perfect, if I wanted to sound arrogant.) I told him I was from Shah Alam and he proceeded to say something in terrible BM (he admitted he was terrible at it ok) and I said I've heard worse (not much worse, to be honest, but one point to me for not damaging his ego even more).

Then we reached the station and went our separate ways.

What I realised the whole time was that I couldn't help myself from smiling this really awkward new person smile (which he had on as well). That's ok. To be expected. But my smile was accompanied by thoroughly confused looking eyes. That's how I greet new people when I'm on my own. I smile awkwardly and look at them like I'm a confused Castiel trying to figure out how to work sarcasm in season 4 (a Supernatural fan might get that reference. If you are not an SPN fan, then it simply means I looked very, very, very confused)

.I should work on my socialising skills.

On another note, the experiment meeting went well, I think. We managed to decide on a few important details. We're making progress and I think we can pull this off. I sure hope that our research is sound. If it's not..... NO. It is sound. We're covering all the bases. EVERYTHING, EVERY BASE SHALL BE COVERED!

I thank God for this good day. I felt him today, in all the joy. Not so much in religion though, just God.

No To Research

It's like there's so much stuff in my head. I can feel it trying to push it's way out. All the words and thoughts and emotions. I can feel it expanding and pushing against my brain, my eyes.

I haven't written anything in a while and I realised that this is what happens when I don't write. I internalise and it kinda hurts my brain. I almost feel as if I'm imploding and exploding at the same time.

Anywhere, here's me releasing some pressure. Let's start with a statement.

I do not like researching.

That's pretty much a bad thing to say at this point of my university education, yes? Yes. It really is.

50% of HELP's Bachelor of Psychology course is centered on research. 50% of my assignments involve research. And I absolutely abhor it. Learning is fun. I love reading my textbooks and looking up the latest finds. What I don't like is pouring over journals trying to find gaps in the research and reading through a million paragraphs talking about significant results.

So I am a little sad about that. I'm only doing it because I have to and I know that's not what good research is built on. I have to want it. I have to like researching. But I don't. So either I learn to like it or I push myself to do it as well as I can.

One thing I've always wanted is learning the proper skills required to be a counsellor. That, however, is going about as bumpy as the road outside my house. The lecturer is doing her best to guide us but so far, I still feel so lost. I think I have to just be a little more patient. I know that practicing helps so I hope that in time, I'll be a more confident about counselling.

Anyways. that's something. My head feels a little lighter now. Back to reading journals for my experiment work. Ergh.

Wandering Wonderer

I am wide awake. Therefore, I've been thinking.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, I want a farm and a Psychology degree. But how do I get there? 2 more years till I get my degree. But what about the farm? How do I get there? What do I do right after my degree?

I have no idea. I do know that I don't want to spend more time studying. I know the importance of getting my masters but I do not want to get into it so soon. No. I've already spent 15 years studying and I have 2 more years ahead of me. I want a break.

But what do I do?

I cannot honestly choose a career path based on what little know? I mean, do I know what being a doctor is or what a therapist has to do?? I want to try things before deciding. I want to work in a vineyeard or a mill. Or both. I want to pick tea leaves and care for victims of war. I want to counsel children and tend to horses. I want to be a clerk and a cook.

I want to try everything I can. I want to discover the world. I want to figure out what interests me. Right now, I have no passion. Nothing really drives me.

That's the problem.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

At the moment, it seems like I'm headed to be coming a nomadic soul-searcher. That doesn't sound too bad, really.

Create

Once again, my brain is working faster than I can type. All these thoughts and emotions are bouncing around in my head at a speed that, I'm sure, is faster than either light or sound.

This coming Wednesday marks the end of my first year at uni. It's pretty exciting. One whole year of studying psychology. It's been great. I've made friends and I've learned so much. To think that I have so much more to learn! Human beings truly are remarkable creatures.

Sometimes, when I remember that I have to write a thesis in my 3rd year, I start to worry. I panic and even consider dropping everything. But then the next day, I go for class and I realise that when the time comes, I'll know what I need to know in order to write an A+ research manuscript. I don't feel so scared after that.

In the mean time, I'm oscillating between being annoying and being annoyed. Sometimes, I'm both. Interesting though humans may be, they're also extremely irritating. I find myself being frustrated by people so often, it's a wonder I don't explode. But then sometimes, I see people and I love talking to them and listening to their stories. To be honest, I prefer listening. I love stories. And I like being around people. They don't even have to speak; just being in the presence of another human being calms me down. And then again, there are moments when people are being people and I just want to be alone.

Anyway, while we're still on the subject of two extremes, I'm torn between being who I am and being who I want to be. I am opinionated, childish, and laid back (too laid back, according to my career counselor). I like who I am. I like being the opinionated, childish young lady who doesn't care about peoples perceptions of her. But then sometimes I feel like I want to be more mature and classy, more accessible, and have something to be passionate about. When I make an effort to be less childish, I feel like I'm living a lie. It's uncomfortable. Yet I want to be mature. That's a pickle if I've ever seen one.

For now, I'm going to keep to who I am and hope that maturity and wisdom comes with age. As for being more accessible; I will work on it on and off, when I feel like it. And passion, I've yet to discover one for myself. Some people have music, some love art, some can talk for hours about biology and politics. Then there's me. I feel very blank. I don't have a passion. Not really. There's not one thing I can talk about in detail, for hours on end (unless you count Harry Potter).

I don't have a clue as to what might interest me. I've never been naturally talented at one thing. My talent, I'd say, is being a quick learner. So I suppose what I need is to find one thing that I love doing and start doing it. But that's the whole problem. I like a lot of things. I like arts and crafts, I like making things with my hands, I like writing (but I know that I lack imagination), I like eating and I like baking. The thing is, I've never been able to just focus on one thing. I prefer doing it all in small amounts.

Also, since I'm more of a learner, I feel a little lost when I bake, paint or write without guidance. Kind of like I'm walking in the dark. I don't like not knowing what to do. So then, I just bake (write and paint) a little, once in a while, without trying too hard because I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

That reminds me of a quote. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is this: once you let go of your fear of making mistakes, then your can create art. What I think it means is that I should not worry about mistakes, mistakes do not exist in art. Art is expression and expression is subjective. There are no mistakes in subjectivity. This reminds me of another quote; stop chasing perfection because it does not exist. I feel that applies to art as well, any kind of art. I just haven't been able to do that.

I suppose the moral is, I should just do what I enjoy without trying to be perfect. I should just create and create till my bones decay. I just need to find the right kind of art.

TARDIS

The moment has arrived! I've been talking about this TARDIS project for a while now and I've probably annoyed the people around me with my relentless ramblings.

Well, it is done!

(and I'm documenting the journey here to live in cyberspace for the rest of forever)

I started out with a rough draft. 

The proportions are off, as you can see

I first planned on making it from scratch. This meant a lot of wood buying, sawing, hammering and sanding. Basically, a lot of work. I was all for it except that my carpentry skills are limited to rookie school projects (for which my grandmother did most of the work on anyway).

Also, I realised that the top part of my TARDIS was a little different that the real one. This called for a little redesigning. I sketched a new TARDIS.

This one has the proportions of a Dalek, but you get the gist.

I ended up with this. Also, I changed my mind about making it from scratch. I decided to pimp a plain cupboard instead. 'Tis cheaper and requires less woodworking.

Mama and I scoured through quite a few furniture stores before I found the perfect cupboard. It's actually a shoe cabinet but the width is just right for this weird diagonal wall that I want to put it up against. It's also tall and has a bunch of shelves. I did remove the original handles, though; they looked too modern. 

As for the top, I managed to convince the father to make it out of plywood. He did all the work and handed it to me in three piece. I glue 'em together with my brother's help.

I asked my father to make the bottom part open-able (that's not the word I'm looking for)

The next step was to find the right paint. Brother and I tried to spray paint the cupboard but it wouldn't stick to the laminated wood. So I got some oil paint instead. I found this blue that looks pretty darn close to TARDIS blue but it turned out to be paler that I expected. Needless to say, I was disappointed. Mama paid RM33 for that can of paint and I didn't want to waste it. I thought of just buying a small can of brighter blue to make this one better, bluer. When I got to the store, though, I found the right blue. The closest to the bluest blue that I'd ever find here and in short notice, so I just had to get it. It's perfect. (I'll use the other can of paint for something else).

Before painting, I had to glue on some wires to the doors to make the square thingys. I know that makes no sense. You see, the TARDIS doors has four big square indents kinda like windows. The top box is a window and the following three are just there. Since I have no idea how to make indents on wood, I used wires to make the outline for the boxes and windows (fake windows, in my case). 

The squares aren't perfectly straight or in line but I like the effect

It gets better now. PAINTING!

The whole thing was painted TARDIS blue (my TARDIS blue). Then I painted the fake windows white. It was a messy affair. Oil paint is sticky and messy. I had blue spots on my legs and my fingers were completely covered in blue paint. I had lots of fun, though. I even painted the inside walls and the shelves as well. This whole affair required 2 whole bottles of thinner to clean up the mess off the floor and my legs and hands.

I think I have some paint on my hair too. Hmm.

I started work on the POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX sign on top while waiting for the shelves to dry. It took me a while to get the words centered but I got there in the end. It looks a little comical because the words look obviously hand painted by someone with unsteady hands but I love it.

The word POLICE is slightly larger that the word BOX

Once everything was painted and dried, I proceeded to put the shelves back in. This was a battle. One of the bottom shelves got a little stuck and kind of scraped off the paint inside. I kept trying to force it in before realising that I should try switching it with another shelf. That worked; but then I had to do some repainting over the damage I had done while trying to force in the shelf.

Now we're getting somewhere:)

At this point, I got my brother to fix new door knobs. I found them in the hardware store nearby. I actually wanted a small, plain knob. The store display had a golden coloured plastic knob that fit my idea. I could just paint it silver or blue, even. However, ass luck would have it, they were out of stock. So I went to another hardwarre store and found these silver knobs that fit really well with the whole look. They would look sleek and modern if they were attached to an overall sleek looking cupboard but since they were on a TARDIS replica, they look pretty old fashioned, which is the look I'm going for. It also adds to the whole animated-ness of the structure. 

Brother's cameo

He loves using the drill. Also, do you see that little bit of wire sticking out on the right? It just refuses to stick! I've attempted to glue it on three times but it stays stubbornly unstuck. I've resolved to letting it hang how it wants to. BE FREE WIRE, BE FREE!

Once the knobs were on, brother crowned the cupboard with it's the top tiers and tada.....!

Don't the knobs look amazing!? (That right there, the "?!" is called a  and interrobang)

BUT WAIT! It's not done yet!

There's still the notice on the door. I found an image on Google, printed it and got it laminated. It says,

Just like the one on the show!

I stuck in on with some double sided tape. Hopefully it stays there.

Tada!

F.Y.I, I was going to post this only when it was completed but I'm having trouble containing my excitement! It is almost done. All I need now is to get something for the light on top of the TARDIS. I want to get a candle holder that looks like an old lantern, maybe paint it blue and place it on top. Once in a while, my TARDIS shall be lit :)

Alas, I have not found my crowning glory. So for now, it shall remain bulb-less. I'll post another picture once I find the lantern.

The outside is perfect. It's all done. It looks comical and animated but I love it. It's the words that give it a slightly wonky feel, I think (and the knobs). You might not be able to tell, but the paint job on this is a little messy in parts. I don't mind it, though. I'd like to imagine that my TARDIS has just got back from a little tussle with a Sontaran fleet.

Moving on, or more accurately, in. I always wanted a chalkboard but wall space is a little problematic since I have a big cupboard on one wall, windows in another and posters everywhere else. Therefore, I decided to paint the inside of the TARDIS doors with chalkboard paint. My very own chalkboard door!

I have not done it, though. That's up next on my TARDIS to-do list, right below the lantern. I thought of painting the insides of both doors but maybe I'll just do one first. If I ever run out of chalkboard space, I'll paint the other.

My TARDIS cupboard; not bigger on the inside but it is beautiful and it is mine. :)

The Impossible Hazy Dream

It is weird. I used to be so confident that I'll be married someday. That I will find my soulmate and we will live a happy and fulfilling life together. I believed so strongly that I will have my own family and that I will live amazing moments with my husband.

Now, however, all I see are impossibilities. I don't see a man in my future. I don't see romance or even a family.

All I see are faded dreams and hazy company. No family. No love. Just dark and light and loneliness. Because I see now how foolish I have been to think, even for a second, that there is actual joy to be had in this world. Not the kind that I pictured, anyway.

The happiness I had imagined was just that, a distorted figment of ny mind. There is no such thing as a happy ending. There is only me. Me and my impossible hazy dreams.

Hannibalism

So, I haven't had the urge to write for a while. Which is why this blog has been a little dead.

What can I say? Hmm. Supernatural is on a break before season 9 starts in October. Sherlock and Doctor Who are on hiatus till November. So I've started watching Hannibal. It's quite entertaining.

The entire show is slowly, in the span of 10 episodes, becoming a horror show. It's got the whole American Psycho feel to it. Hugh Dancy is amazing as Will Graham and Mads Mikkelsen is  incredible as Dr.Hannibal Lecter (though I've noticed that he has something in common with the Eleventh Doctor; aside from being serial murderers, they both lack visible eyebrows).

Anyways, this is what I have been doing with my time. Watching TV. I've also been studying, which is surprising (to me). I have a little more to catch up on with sociology but I'm actually reading out of curiosity. I find the lack of slides or guide a little disconcerting but I suppose I should start figuring things out for myself. After all, life doesn't come with instructions. I'm using the course outline to make sure I read what needs to be read. The textbook is incredibly dry, though. Not even Deadpool's witty sarcasm could cure the completely lack of fun in this textbook.

I have also noticed weirdness but that's a story for another post.

For now, I'm enjoying the twisted insights to a psychopaths mind via Criminal Minds and Hannibal.