Today, BossBoss asked me what I was thinking about (I tend to zone out sometimes, hence the question). I tired to tell him but everything came out as a jumbled mess (to me it was perfectly clear but judging by the expression on his face, he understood nothing). I wanted to say it wasn't anything important but that's not completely true (though it felt like it at the time). I wanted to explain my thoughts but I just didn't know how. I was thinking about anything, everything and nothing at the same time (doesn't seem possible right?). My thoughts and feelings are closely linked so I tired explaining them simultaneously but that didn't work out either.
I kept thinking, organising and reorganising my thoughts on the drive home. I think I've got it. It's not perfect but it's comprehensible - which is what I'm aiming for right now. Fine tuning can be done later.
When I'm at home, I think of nothing much but home. I just do stuff around the house without much thinking of anything else. When I'm home, I'm fine not doing or thinking anything at all. When I'm at school, I think about homework and classes. I think about CSS and my friends and the Editorial Board. When I'm in school, I also think about my escape, my safe place (Friday's). Sometimes, I get very restless at school or at home. I'm not sure why though. I just feel like I have so much energy in me. I need to jump up and down or scream!
When I'm at my safe place, I feel like everything shrinks. Everything that's bothering me that may have seemed like a big deal becomes just a minor issue. My mind isn't completely void of thought or worry but they just seem minuscule. When I'm talking to BossBoss or even just listening to him talk or watching him work, I feel like I'm away from everything and I'm in my own world. Whenever I see Sunny or BossBoss, I get a huge hug from them both. In that moment when I'm being hugged, everything melts away - all my insecurities and doubts, all my troubles and worries. They're just gone and I'm calm. My brain stops working on overdrive and I can just sit, listening to them talk without anything to overtax my brain. I love being there with them because they somehow manage to make me feel like this without even trying. When I'm sitting next to BossBoss and he's telling me about this and that, I'm completely focused. Even when he's on the computer doing whatever it is managers do, I just like to watch him work. The same goes for when I'm talking with Crazy. We swap stories and thoughts and I'm completely lost in another world. I like to ask him question after question when he's working and the great thing is, he never feels annoyed. He just goes with it:)
However, once I leave Friday's, my security blanket just comes crashing down. Everything get bigger and I start counting down the days till I see them again.
Right now, I have to find a way to keep this explanation in my brain until I see BossBoss again. I think once he understands how my brain chemistry works he'll get what I'm saying whenever he asks me what I'm thinking. That way, we wont have to spend half an hour of me rapidly spluttering out incomplete sentences and BossBoss trying his hardest to comprehend what I'm trying to say. Although, it's during those moments that I feel completely at peace with the world. Just BossBoss and I trying to figure out some great puzzle. Just calm in my brain at the same time I'm trying to explain the mess. Chaos Theory, I suppose.
Oh well, I'll have to remember to tell him this when I see him again.
Anyways, I'm going to go back to being the house zombie that I am.
Toodles:)
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