Just When You Thought It Was Ok To Open Up...

It amazes me... well, actually, it befuddles me on what course a conversation can take. It's incredible how a simple conversation on how to deal with someones loyalty, of lack thereof, can lead to the questioning of my fitness to lead.

Isn't that amazing? Doesn't it amaze you? Well, it definitely amazes me.

So this is where I'm at. I was talking to my right hand man about a problem that needs solving. We came up with a good solution that we decided to carry out tomorrow. All is well and good.

And somehow, while discussing this problem, I had to open my big mouth (I was actually typing but for literature's sake, I'll stick to this phrase) and tell her what I felt. I told her what I was really thinking. Showed her how my brain works.

I told her that I'm not focused on the spiritual side of things for myself and hence the youths. Of course, there's the usual prayers before and after meetings but that's as far as I'll go with praying. I can't sit through charismatic sessions or weekly prayers. Hell, I don't even get affected by healing sessions. In fact, I feel silly standing there with someones hand over my head while they pray for me. The whole thing feels ridiculous to me.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't want that for other people. Other's are into it, they understand it and they feel it. I'm just not like that. And so, of course, my focus for the youths isn't that either. I'm more of the let's-have-fun-while-we-learn kinda person. That's what I enjoy and that's what I work well with. Which is why there's such a thing as a committee. To make sure that all the angles are covered. Praying isn't my angle to cover.

This, however, brought on the question of whether or not I'm fit to be the head of LEYP (which, I was specifically reminded, is a Catholic youth group). Because it is not right that the head of a Catholic Youth group is not spiritually inclined.

Now, in all fairness, I do see her point. There are obviously concerns as to having a leader that is not an all rounder. However, I can't say I wasn't taken aback at the reply I got. I guess I expected some offer of balance (meaning "I'll balance you out, don't worry. That's what VP's are for"). But no. What I got was the suggestion that I seek out help and then I was shown the door and asked to consider if it might be right for me to step out.

I'm shell shocked. Maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut. At first, I was worried that I was being inaccessible. That I should open up more, especially to my team because they need to know what I'm thinking if we are to ever work together. But now, I'm wishing my mouth was as shut as a rotten clam. No opening it, no matter what.

I don't even know if I should take it seriously. That suggestion, I mean. Of me stepping down 'cause I'm not spiritual enough. Is it really that big a deal??

QWERTY!

Here's a light-hearted post:)

Mum lost her phone (how on earth could that be light-hearted!). Yes, it's tragic 'cause she loved her phone. Plus she had all her contacts an important stuff on that phone. She's getting a new one but still, information can't be replicated.

Anyway, since she hasn't bought a new phone yet, she's using mine. Consequently, I'm using brother's iPhone 3. I gotta say, even though it's an old phone and it's not exactly mine, I'm enjoying it thoroughly! I don't change much (just adjusted the volume) but the phone itself is pretty fun. The whole touch screen thing is a cool difference from my phone, with it's QWERTY keypad.

I just wanted to tell the world how much I love using the iPhone, even if it's just for a little while. I probably won't get one for myself, though (unless it's the iPhone 4) 'cause I don't need such a high tech phone and I love my old one. So unless I'm forced to, then my phone remains my own.

As for now, I'll enjoy the iPhone till mama gets a new phone for herself:)

One more thing, though; I'm currently rereading the Hunger Games Trilogy. It's quite fun, to be honest. I stayed away from it at first, thinking that hype around the film was just all talk and no substance but the books proved me wrong. I really enjoy it. I haven't watched the film yet, though, which is my next step.

Form what I've gathered from my forays in to the world of the Hunger Games is that I think Kristen Stewart would make a great Katniss Everdeen. Kristen Stwearts brooding personality and style would fit Katniss very well. I don't know how good Jennifer Lawrence is as Katniss but if the reviews are to be trusted then she's doing a banging job. I'm sure I'll agree with the reviews too, but till then, my imagination will keep portraying Kristen Stewart as Katniss.

As for Peeta, I think Josh Hutcherson is the right choice. Even in my imagination, Peeta and Josh are one in the same (except maybe Peeta is a little taller). Woddy Harrelson as Haymitch throws me off a little but I guess it's not too bad.

I can't wait to watch the film.

Anyway, I'm glad that I read the Hunger Games. It's a world I'm glad I have in my imagination.

Jeremiah 29:11 - I Will Get My Candy!

Do you know how frustrating it is to be stuck inside your own head? It's like, everything you are, everything you do and think is contained in this tiny orb that is your head and there are times when it all gets a little too much or too bright that this orb might just explode.

That's how it feels to be me at this moment. I can feel all these thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head and there's nothing I can do to slow it down or make it less swirly. Actually, there is something I could do but it's not a good idea for me to do it. Throwing stuff around may be therapeutic but it's not good behaviour. So, I remain stuck.

This reality I'm in is no fun at all. Everything around me is moving at a simple speed. Just the usual calmness of everyday life. And then there's my head, in which I'm stuck, that's moving so fast, I can barely comprehend what's going on let alone figure out how to slow it down.

It's like I'm in a soundproof room with windows. Inside, everything is just so loud I can barely hear myself think or make sense of any one noise. But at the same time, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I can see the chaos (not literally because you can't actually see sound) but there's nothing I can do about it. Like, I can't actually hear the chaos but I know it's there so my brain makes me think I can hear it. Projecting or something like that.

There's this constant banging noise in my head. It's just there and I can't make it go away. It's become too distracting that I can't hear what's going on around me. I mean, I can hear it but I can't seem to make sense of it. I hear someone speak but I don't fully process it.

The only time I can calm it down is when I turn up the music. When I let music into my ears, the noise relaxes. It's still there, loud as ever but more organised. Kind of like it's dancing to the tune or something. It's better. But when the music stops, the thinking starts and I'm back to square one.

I feel bruised and battered. My mind, my emotions, my mental well being has been hit by a baseball bat so many times, I've lost count. I don't think I can take any more. And yet, here I am, taking more hits because  there's really no other option for me. I am that kid, walking through a rose bush, being pricked by thorns and stung by bees but I keep going because I was promised candy on the other side and by God, I will get my candy!

Because God promised me. Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

I believe in God and I believe in his promises. This keeps me going. My future is out there, waiting for me and I'm going to reach it. It's only a matter of time... and lots of noise before I finally get to it. This journey will shape me and mould me. It will not destroy me.

As for the moment, I think I'll revisit the idea of throwing stuff around. To destroy is to create, right? So, maybe I should sculpt (breaking stone or wood into something that resembles something else sounds promising) or maybe I should build something (nail and hammer sounds perfect to me) or take up kickboxing (I doubt that will ever happen).

* Jer 29:11. It was the best confirmation gift I ever received. From the Spykermans

Need some oomph!~

I seem to yell at my brother very often. Not out of anger, just annoyance. He brings that out in me, somehow. I don't know how or why but he does this to me effortlessly. And I guess I should add that I usually feel guilty afterwards.

It's not like we fight often. I just get annoyed with him, which leads to me yelling at him and him ignoring me on purpose. After that, we're good. Weird.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of trying to figure out what to do for tonight's youth gathering. I volunteered to organise this week's session but I have no idea what to do. My initial idea was to have an arts and crafts session. We have tons of plain white mugs at home so I wanted to buy some paint markers so we could decorate the mugs tonight. But then, I learnt that paint markers won't stick unless we glaze the mugs after. So, that's not happening.

Consequently, I've spent the last 2 hours trying to come up with something else. I've been sifting through various Google searches and so far, no real luck. I did find one or two activities that I like but they're not.. I don't know. Not enough 'oomph!', you know?

I want something fun. The one's I've found aren't bad but they lack any actual physical activity. I want us to DO something together instead of just sitting in a circle and having stimulating discussions. That's good too but sometimes we just need to let loose. We've been kind of stuck in the mud lately and so I wanted something good enough for us to get unstuck.

I'm quickly running out of time. o.O

This Is Why...

1. ...I refused. Today, I had an actual conversation with someone whom I usually just talk to (there is a difference but I'm not going to get into that right now).

Anyway, this conversation started up because of Glee. Apparently, he disapproves of that show. He says that it's wrong because it promotes homosexuality. First, Glee doesn't promote homosexuality, it promotes the acceptance of homosexuals and every other individual. 

Next, yes, the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. The Bible says that God says that man is to be united with women. Not man and man, nor woman and woman but man and women. That is how the world works, biologically and religiously. 

However, the Bible also says that God asked us to "Love one another as I have loved you". Now, I don't see a condition attached to that particular commandment (us Catholics call it the '11th' commandment). God loves all his children equally so, who are we to pick and choose who we accept and reject? God didn't say, "You there, you are lesbian. You shall not live in my kingdom. Begone!" That's not God, and so we shouldn't be that either.

Then there's this argument: "Well, if someone was a murderer, would you accept them for who they are?".

Here's my answer: It's not the same. Apples and oranges, bro. Being homosexual doesn't harm anyone around you, does it? Case closed.

I don't understand how there are people in this world who point blank refuse to accept other human beings just because of their sexuality. I do not understand and I do not want to understand either. 

Yes, I'm talking about understanding others and accepting them for who they are so my reaction is hypocritical. But here's the thing, I'm not going to shun anyone who carries a different opinion. I'm not going to burn bridges or end friendships or start a war because others have a different take on things. I'm just refusing to agree. This is just me, telling the world that I do not understand how they can treat fellow human beings differently based on sexuality and that I do not want to understand either because I think their opinions are a disgrace to the human race.

This really is one of the deal breakers for me when it comes to relationships (not that I have any experience). I cannot commit to being in a relationship with someone who thinks being gay earns you a one way ticket to hell. Sorry, I just can't.

And especially after coming back from Europe, I stand by this even stronger than before. No one, not one person on this planet can tell me that people as awesome as Malik and Paul, with all the good they do in this world, are doomed because they are gay. Sorry, but I refuse to accept.

***

2. ...my purse feels lighter. I tell you, there is a  parking situation building up here in the Klang Valley that is threatening to relieve every wallet of it's contents! I smell a rat!

Here's the deal, parking at Amcorp Mall is ridiculously expensive now! Like, mega cekik duit going on there! It used to be RM4 for the first 2 hours of parking and RM1 for ever subsequent hour. Now, however, it's gone up to RM5 for the first hour and RM4 for every subsequent hour. What utter rubbish!

Even Sunway Pyramid is cheaper! (No offence la Amcorp, but what do you have other than the amazing BookXcess? At least Pyramid has a bowling alley and a cinema. They even have Archery!). In Sunway, on weekdays, it's RM1 for the first 3 hours. 

I spent only 1.5 hours in Amcorp last week and had to fork out RM9 ringgit for parking fees. If I had known, I would've taken my business somewhere else. Today, I only spent RM1 for 2.5 hours of parking in Sunway Pyramid.

This is daylight robbery. Seriously, just because you installed new auto pay machines doesn't mean you can now charge a stupendous sum for parking. What nonsense.

***

p.s: My previous post was rubbish. Seriously, I should've worded it better or just not posted it at all. It sounds childish and unwitty. I didn't like it at all. I shall not remove it, though. I'm leaving it up as a reminder to myself: Never, ever post rubbish, Kath! :)

Dear Mother Nature, CC: GOD

After facing the cold for 24 days in Europe, coming back to the Malaysian summer is really hard to handle. Before this, Malaysian summer was hot but this is just bordering on unbearable. I'm literally melting everyday. I go to sleep melting, and I wake up melted.

I think it's safe to say that I've melted off what little fat I had left on my body. This is just too much la. All it took was 24 days in 7-8˚C weather for my body to reject heat. Really? C'mon, body, you've lived in Malaysia your whole life. You can do this!

On top of everything, one of the fans in the hall decided to malfunction today. Not just any fan, but the one nearest to the PC. This is some sort of punishment. I bet it is. I mean, this is like some major heatwave la. Ok, maybe not the fatal kind, but still, it's terrible enough to warrant a complaint.

So this is my official complaint:

TO: earthcare@mothernature.org
CC: info@GOD.org


Dear Mother Nature,


I'm Kathleen Fernandez from Malaysia, Earth. I'm writing to you today to lodge a complaint on the current weather conditions here in Asia, specifically, Malaysia.


The weather has been incredibly hot these past few days. I use the term 'incredibly' very loosely here for I can't seem to find a big enough word to express the current state of hotness. It's verging on the unbearable.


The plants all around are screaming for water (according to Klausner, who has the sound machine that enables humans to listen to plants). According to Klausner, the plants are dehydrating. They are losing their leaves due to a lack of water for transpiration and photosynthesis.


Also, animals are running around panicked because of the scarce natural water supply. Cats and dogs are secretly invading households and while some humans do relent and allow them to drink from their pails, not all humans are that kind. Therefore, the animals are suffering.


As for the humans, we are melting in this heat. While it does wonders in burning off fats (especially for those who find it hard to exercise), the heat is also making us sweat a whole lot more causing a massive dehydration pandemic.


We require your assistance, Mother Earth. Please, send us some rain. We need the showers. We need some cooling off.


Please and Thank You,
Your human,
Kathleen.


p.s: I CC'ed this to GOD. Maybe you can work something out with Him?

Scary, ain't it??

Unsettled. I guess that's the word I'd choose to describe what I'm feeling at the moment.

But why, though?

Today, I booked a ticket to Australia. I'm going in July with my Aunty. I'm only staying for 2 weeks but it's an awesome opportunity. I've never been to the land down under, so I'm excited. However, I feel unsettled. I don't think it's the trip, though.

There's a lot going on in these few coming months. The Youth Rally is in August which means organising it has already started. There's stuff to be done. I guess, maybe I'm worried that I'm pushing aside my responsibility. Am I doing that? I don't think so. I mean, I'm not the only one involved in this. I have a whole team of people who are working hard with me to get this thing going. So, I think 2 weeks away won't be such a bad thing. I just feel.. I don't know.. guilty, maybe?

This is all too confusing.

And then there's the whole University thing. I've been thinking about it the whole day. I've been going back and forth on this, listing and re-listing the pros and cons of each decision. Both sides present a very convincing argument. It's just that, the voices in my head can't seem to come to a conclusion and so, I'm feeling unsettled.

Is it supposed to be this hard? No, not hard. Just... confusing. No... complex. Yeah, that's it. Complex. Is it supposed to be this complex? Choosing a university, I mean. I guess it should, right? Because this is one of those big life decisions. A moment in your life when the decision you make will carve out the path you take. Right?

I think part of this 'unsettled-ness' is also nerves. I'm pretty nervous about this whole affair. I mean, all this 'moving forward' and 'growing up' thing can be quite scary. I've always felt safe at school. Probably because I knew what I had coming. I knew what school had to offer. I knew about extra curricular activities. I knew about sports and homework. I knew that it all led to public examinations.

But now, I don't know. I have no idea what University is going to be like. I have no idea what my extra curricular activities are going to be. On top of all that, I have no idea what-so-ever on how modular educational system works! My whole life, school has been about studying throughout the year and then scoring well for public exams. Now, my grades are up for scrutiny after each semester. I need to keep them up and stuff. I mean, I know I can do it, but it just scares me.

The unknown. That is man's biggest fear. Mine too.

I need a conversation.

On The Edge...

It's weird how I only get nervous on the day of something big. Even when I was still in school, it was always like that. I would only really feel nervous on the day of public exams or on some big camping trip or whatever. Never the days and months leading up to it and not even on the day before. The nerves usually kicked in on the morning of.

That's sort of what happened today. Mama took me to Sunway University and then to HELP University to find out about the Psychology course they offered. It was a big deal. I mean, I'm finally at this crossroad. I've seen my friends come and go at this junction and now I'm finally here too. It feels pretty exciting but really, really nauseating too (that's probably the nerves though).

We went to Sunway first. Their course structure seems pretty good. They have an intern-ship at the end of the 3rd year too. It seems pretty solid. Also, there's a 50% fee waiver that I'm eligible for in the first semester and if I keep my grades up, it'll be applicable for the following semesters as well, which is pretty awesome.

After all that, we headed to HELP. HELP's more established when it comes to their psychology programmes. Rightly so, since they've been doing it for ten years now. The electives that they offer are pretty interesting too. It's slightly cheaper but once we add the transport money and what not, it'll come up to about the same. One low point is that the only scholarship they can offer is a 10k reduction of the tuition fees which I have to apply for and might not even get.

Right now, I'm on the fence. I really like the campus at Sunway and their course modules aren't all that different from HELPs. However, I do like the fact that HELP lets me choose my electives (most of which are pretty interesting). Travelling and parking is going to be mad there but I don't think that's a deal breaker. So, I think I know where I'm going to go but I do need to talk to someone a little more before I decide.

And then, who knows, I may register next week:)

All this is really exciting. I've never been here before. All this is pretty new for me. I finally get to choose what I want to study. I'm moving into a whole new kind of education. I'm pretty stoked but plenty nervous as well. I hope I make the right choice. This is my life after all. So, the decision that lies before me is a mighty important one. (I sound like this because I just watched Thor. So, I hope you can ignore my Shakespeare-ean English :P)

While we were on the way to HELP, I thought about what I was feeling. It came to me like this: I felt like I was a bird about to take flight. Here I am, standing on the edge of a cliff, all those years of learning how to fly is behind me, and I can't do much but take flight. This, right now, is that few seconds before I jump off that cliff. That moment when my stomach-butterflies decide to go haywire and I'm not sure if I'll survive the jump. But, I know that I have to jump anyway.

That's how I feel. The jump is coming, and I know it. I just don't know how long it'll take me to adjust my wings and start flying, or in fact, if I'll ever fly at all. This is all getting to be really taxing on my mind.

I gotta sleep now because I'm super sleepy. So, hopefully I'll wake up with a clearer sense of direction.
Fare thee well.