A year...and nothing

I've been fooling myself for over a year!

I thought I've been diligent about saving up. I mean, sure I spent some cash a little for myself, but I actually thought I put away a decent amount. But I was only lying to myself, living blissfully in my ignorance.

The only money I have saved up is really just from the kutu I've been paying for a year and what my godfather gave me as a graduation gift. It's ridiculous. I've saved up literally nothing since I've started working. Not even from freelance work!

I spent a bit on Simple Plan. That was the biggest purchase. But I expected to have a little bit more. Where did I spend all that money???? Road tax, but that wasn't a too bad. I'm so frustrated with myself.

Get a grip! You need a  better plan since this one is obviously not working well at all.

Maybe I should put away more kutu?? Maybe should create another account that I won't look at regularly. And of course, the best is to just be more disciplined. I should be able to save a decent amount each month but I've been carelessly spending on stuff that aren't entirely necessary. Like toners and shit. I mean, I can live without that. And eating out is just super expensive, especially at work. I have to get my spending under control.

I'm really frustrated right now.

I've been stressing about saving up for London for almost a year and now, less than I months away from my trip, I realise that I haven't saved more than a couple hundred ringgit. I am disappointed in myself. You can do better, Kat. You should do better.

Revisiting mind worms

This was something I thought about a while back, and I've been revisiting it quite often recently.

It's nice to be called special. And it's weird to hear people say it while your heart is acknowledging it, as if you knew this all along. Someone told me I'm a special woman and I shouldn't settle. I felt touched that this person thought so highly of me. Another time, a friend of mine told me she thinks I'm fascinating and that my mind is both magical and intriguing. Sometimes I catch my mother looking at me with so much love and..surprise maybe like she can't believe how unusual I am (not sure, maybe I'm projecting).

All those moments and moments like that felts unbelievable. Yet at the same time, I also feel like I already know this, I know I'm special. At first I was afraid to admit it. To be honest, I'm still a little afraid. I don't want it to go to my head, I don't want to be full of myself and arrogant. But I do know that I'm special, that I'm capable of great things, that I'm interesting and wonderful and eccentric and strange.

Is that a contradiction?

Acknowledging this knowledge or at least starting to acknowledge it and accept it gives me this sense of liberty and in turn, power. I feel strong and able. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop doubting myself and just accept the fact that I'm special so that we can move on to bigger and better things already. That once I can fully embrace my specialness, I can start doing all the incredible things I know I can do and the things I want to do. I can achieve.

I think once I let myself fully understand and believe in my specialness, I can be totally liberated.

I think this is one of those lessons that will take me some time to learn. It's one of those lessons that all of us will need some time to learn.

Cause those are somebody's kids too

People are dying in the world, and we’re too busy fighting over political correctness and protecting our own that we either don’t see the suffering anymore, or worse, we’ve desensitized ourselves to it.

Syria, a nation reduced to rubble due to civil war. The Burmese Rohingyas being treated as less than human by their own countrymen. African children are dying of HIV from lack of education and infrastructure. The horrors faced by prisoners in North Korean concentration camps. Ethnic cleansings, denial of rights, famine, disease, civil wars. These are problems that can be fixed. But we first need to stand up and say, I see this and I do not accept it.

I'm disgusted by how Malaysia treats people. Malaysia takes in Syrian refugees, give them documentation, homes, jobs, help them rebuild. But we turn a blind eye to the Rohingya, we turn a blind eye to the thousands of refugees on our shores that do not fit our mould of what is a human. Why is a Syrian refugee worth more to us than a Rohingya? Both are suffering and both need our help. Yet we only reach out to one.

Thousands of refugees in Malaysian live in sordid conditions because they aren’t recognised by the government. They’re considered illegal, so they can’t work, or enrol into public schools, and they live in constant fear of deportation to the country they risk everything to leave. What kind of people are we that we push aside people who are reaching out to us for help?

And what about the marginalised who were already in the country? We’re constantly building houses here. There’s a ridiculous amount of empty houses in Malaysia, and a ridiculous amount of homeless people. 1 + 1 = 2. The solution seems quite simple to me. Give them homes. Channel funds into reeducation and retraining. Help them acquire the skills they need to start taking care of themselves again. Build a strong support system so that if and when they backslide (everyone backslides, it’s inevitable), we’re there to help them find their way again. Why is that so difficult?

We don’t need 5km tall buildings and floating hotels. We need love and compassion and efforts channelled towards helping humans that need genuine help. Not building bigger boats, and houses, and planes so that well off people can continue building their empires.

We need people to change policy, to change social norms. Our current system is flawed, and you cannot tell me otherwise. There are people dying. Babies are dying from curable diseases, children are dying of hunger while the rest of the world wastes tonnes of food every single day. There is an imbalance that is choking the world, and yet, we turn a blind eye.

How can we just stand by while people are being systematically murdered? This is where my understanding of the world falls apart.

How can we just stand idly by? How are we not doing anything significant enough to help those who desperately need us? Why are we so determined that our skin tone or nationality makes us better than other people? Why is killing so normal for us? Why is not helping so normal for us? Screw the argument that humans are biologically driven to ensure our own survival. That’s bullshit and you know it.

Are we so weak in our principles that we cannot bear to help someone for fear they might ‘overrun’ us? Are we so selfish that we cannot give our neighbours half of what we have so that they might have as much a chance as surviving as we do? Are we so immoral that we value our own skin more that of others? Are we so selfish that we can only help people so long as they don't become better off than us? God forbid they take what we give them and make something of themselves.

Forget borders and nationalities and ethnicity and religion. We’re a global people now. We have to accept it and move forward. The us versus them mentality is not helpful anymore. Not for us nor for them. We have to be a we.

There’s a scene in The West Wing that makes this point really well. The two people were talking about sending US troops to intervene in a civil war in an African country. The conversation goes something like this:

CJ: The guy across the street is beating up a pregnant woman. You don't go over there and try and stop it?

Toby: The guy across the street is beating up anybody, I like to think I go over and try and stop it. But we aren't talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do that.

And that’s the answer many people will revert to, right?

Toby: Why are you sending your kids across the street?
CJ: Cause those are somebody's kids, too.

And that's mine.

We’re not cavemen anymore, and the survival of the human race is no longer just about our small little tribe. 

***

On a less serious note, how can we even begin to make contact and trade agreements with aliens if we can't come together as one world?

Blessed and trying to stay sane

Everyday, I think about how blessed I am. Financially: I have a roof over my head and I don't pay rent, I have a car and my mother pays the loan, I have a job and I make enough to cover my bills and expenses, and I'm able to save some every month.

Socially: I have a family that loves me and cares about me, a family that I wouldn't exhange for the world, chores are shared (mostly taken care of), friends I enjoy spending time with, colleagues that are generous and friendly.

Mentally and emotionally: I'm fully functional and able to exist within a society, I'm self aware and able to introspect, stable (I'd like to think).

All in all, I'm in a pretty good place and I'm grateful for that. I have the luxury of enjoying an overpriced Starbucks once in a while; I can buy make up and shoes and clothes; I can eat at cafés and restaurants; I enjoy my job; with some careful planning, I can go on holiday to a different continent; I feel loved and cared for.

Sometimes I start to wonder if I should wholly embrace this luxury and take one day at a time, forgoing any sort of long term plan because this is something I can afford to do right now: should I go backpacking? Become a full time freelancer? Get involved in innovative and exciting projects? Get a job across the world?

Or should I be practical: save up as much as I can so that I can buy a house one day? Make sure my five year plan ends up with me getting a Masters degree and entering the professional world psychology?

Part of me wants to be practical, because stability is reassuring. Part of me wants spontaneity because liberty is exciting. Some might say you can have both. That the liberty to be practical is still freedom, and I agree. Some might say spontaneity and practicality aren't mutually exclusive, and I agree too.

The challenge is in finding the balance. In finding a practical life that allows for liberty and excitement, a reality that doesn't feel like a chore and isn't uncertain. And the trick to not feeling stuck, at least for me, is to try new things. Life can't be boring or predictable when there are new factors to the equation.

So I have to make a point to eat new food, make new art, learn new skills or learn new tricks for existing skills, meet new people, try new exercises, bake new things. That's one strategy I have to stave off insanity.

The other, which I've learnt from personal experience and the experiences of others, is to declutter. Declutter my living space, declutter my mind, decluttery phonebooks and wardrobe and laptop and shoe cabinet. Declutter my ideals and ideas and goals. Declutter and organise what's left so that I have a clearer view of what matters to me.

Becoming December-me

It's strange. Everything is strange right now.

Being socially inept has never been such an issue for me until recently. There is this person that I want to be, this friendly, social, fun person - but I don't know how to be that person.

I'm not social, I'm not friendly. I'm fun, but mostly I'm fun on my own, or in small groups. I'm needy and pushy and stubborn. I'm overbearing, and loud and headstrong. I nag, I mother, I'm indecisive and I'm stingy. I don't know how to strike up a conversation or join one. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with a stranger or get away from one.

I know we're not born with these skills. I know it's something we learn in time and some people are better at it than others. I just wish I had more practice.

I guess I can start now.

Work is great. I'm learning a lot about digital media and journalism. I'd like to think I've made some friends.

Conversations are not easy though. I find that I don't have much to contribute. I don't know nor do I particularly care about American politics, local politics makes my blood boil and I don't like reading the news, it's way too sad. On top of that, my relatively inactive social life means that I don't have much to talk about at all.

I want to change that but also, I don't want to do what I don't like just so I can be less socially awkward. It's a weird battle in my head. However, I'm optimistic. I'm know I'm trying and I will keep trying. I just need to relax and be patient. December-me will be very different from January-me, I'm sure.

I've also been rereading my old blogposts - a trip down memory lane. I love reading my old writings. Sometimes I cringe at how bad my writing was or if I notice any grammar mistakes, oooor if I was being particularly annoying; but mostly, I enjoy reminiscing - it's like reading old notes to myself. I'm reminded of the promises I've made and goals I've laid out, reminded of the lessons I've learnt and big 'Aha!' moments that felt life changing.

I've come a long way. And this is why I know December-me will be very different. I will be a changed person for sure. I'm going to add more goals and reminders here:

1. Write more - it's good for your soul, and it makes you think and introspect, which is also great for your soul.
2. Put yourself out there in the world - don't be afraid of contributing ideas even if you think it's silly
3. Be patient - listen with an open mind and take a deep breath before you speak when you're upset because many things cannot be unsaid.
4. Try harder to meditate - you know it helps you focus, so try harder to do it
5. Read more - pick an hour of your day and do some reading, a novel, an article or two, whatever it is, just get some new information into your brain every day...and think about it. Thoughtful, not mindless, reading. 
6. Do not try so hard to fit in - you are you and you may not act or react normally but that's ok, it's what makes you unique.
7. You can retain your child-like wonder and joy without being a child - when you stop thinking of yourself as a child, the world will follow your lead.

To future-me who will inevitably read this post one day, I hope these little notes stuck to you (or me). For the ones that didn't, we can start now. 

On feminism and being fair to men

I just had a passionate conversation with my family about feminism. It started with me telling them how the guy I know said that, as a man, he wouldn't want to read about a list of inspirational women. And that really bothered me.

Then we got into it about how focusing solely on one gender is unfair and goes against what feminism stands for...or is it?

My mum's argument:

1. Making the list just for women is not promoting equality because it basically disregards men. Instead, make a list of inspirational people and be blind to gender and choose the people based on merits alone. Do away with lists of just women or just men.
    
2. If we want to be equal, then it has to start with women, more so than men. That women have to accept themselves as equal to men, and only then will they be equal in society's eyes.
    
3. That women are not at the forefront as much before because sexism kept women from doing great things and being competitive in various fields. Therefore it's reasonable that there were previously barely any women featured or highlighted in society. 

My counter:

1. Making a list just for women does not mean I'm disregarding men. If it was a list of inspirational people that was composed of only women, that would be unfair and dismissive of men. But a list of inspirational women is just highlighting the many women that I find inspirational, and it's okay.
   
   Women are who I relate to. It's representational. And we all know representation is important. Seeing a male astronaut is inspirational but seeing a female astronaut makes me feel like I can do it too.
   
   Men don't have to worry much about representations of gender, they're represented everywhere. What I'm trying to do with a list of women is to showcase women who have inspired me, women to women.
   
   I think that great not just for me, but other women and girls out there who don't get to see their gender represented as people who are capable and incredible, who aren't told that they too can be inspiring.
   
   And sure, do away with separating genders in terms of award categories (best male lead and best female lead, like why? maybe just to have more awards to give out kot). But highlighting women who inspire me or highlighting women who are historically important, I think that's perfectly fine.
   
   In fact, I think that's entirely necessary seeing as women have only just recently been in the spotlight for that. We need more if we want to level the playing field.
    
2. Starting with women. Well, sure. I want women to know that they are equal to men, that they deserve equal pay for equal work, that they deserve respect just as much as men and that they are worth just as much as men. I do agree that women need to believe in the fight for the fight to have an impact.
   
   But I disagree that just by believing in this that equality will be attained. Just believing in equal rights is not enough, we need make sure we work for it. I can't just believe I'll have dinner and then magically a plate of food appears at my table. I have to believe and then act on it to get what I want. I think it works the same with feminism or any social justice cause. Actions are what changes the world.
   
   I also think the 'women more so than men' is untrue as well. It should be 'women, as much as men'.
    
3. This I disagree with as well. Yes, men were leading in many fields because women weren't competitive in it (because they weren't allowed to study or work in fields dominated by men), but even where women were leading, even in fields where they made an impact, women were tossed to the wayside, not mentioned; the spotlights shone on men instead.
   
   For example, Rosalind Franklin, a chemist whose research was critical in the discovering the double helix DNA structure. We know that Watson discovered DNA but there's no mention of Rosalind Franklin.
   
   Or Nettie Stevens who discovered the X and Y chromosomes. Yet her co-worker Thomas Morgan was credited with the discovery and he received a Nobel Prize for it, and he even dismissed her involvement by saying she was more of a technician than a scientist (seriously bro? WHAT THE HELL)
   
   That was back in the early 1900s. We're getting better at recognising women now, but there is much room for improvement. And that's why I think we need to make and effort, fight to have women be recognised for their work. Not to overshadow their male counterparts but to receive fair credit for their work.

I had  a bit of trouble articulating my point during the argument. I'm sure I got most of it out but my mum stuck to her points and I stuck to mine. And really. she totally agrees with me but she still also believes that women need to start being blind to gender and be inclusive. 

I just had to learn something about this so I talked to someone on a feminism blog that I follow. She's is great at articulating her points and I've learnt a lot about feminism from this blog. Her answer to this is hits the nail on the head, in my opinion. 

Fandomsandfeminism: Equality is a GOAL, not a method. You don't invite billionaires into soup kitchens in the name of equality. You have to raise up undermined groups to level the playing field.

That's what I failed to articulate: Equality is a goal, not a method. 

Committing to Adventure

How and when do you decide to just get out there and go for it?

I have a friend, Pei Ting – really just someone I know from uni whom I’ve talked to a couple of times before about our theses, and as far as I know, she has always been one for adventure – who is currently cycling around New Zealand.

She got herself a New Zealand working holiday visa, her bicycle and some hiking gear, headed out to the land of the long white cloud and started adventuring.

You can find out what she’s up to on her Facebook page. She posts beautiful photos almost every day with little snippets of her latest adventure. And I have to say, she really inspires me.

Seeing her posts on Facebook got me thinking about life. I’m sure at one point or another, we’ve all wanted to have an exciting life filled with surprises and adventure. 

Some people found a way to make it happen via working holiday visas like Pei Ting. Others become travel writers, some become plain ol’ adventurers, working their way through different continents, being as free as it is possible to be.

But that’s just a handful of people.

What about the rest of us? Those of us who want this adventure but somehow, we just never got around to it?

The other article I read today was on what older people regret in their lives. One of those regrets was being too caught up in striving for financial stability. Sure, money is important, but wasted chances are heart breaking.

And I really like that. I like knowing that taking chances is not a waste of time or effort, that being financially stable is not the be all and end all of life.

It's good to hear that from people who have lived long lives. Their advice is sound. And honestly, this isn't the first time I've seen or heard this little nugget of wisdom - it's timeless, always relevant.

Still, it’s easier said than done. I still want to be able to pay off all my student loans. I want to make enough money so that my mother doesn’t have to work any more. I want to feel secure so that I can make sure my family, now and in the future, are secure as well.

BUT, I also want adventure. I want to see the world. I want to be more than I am right now. I want to learn and explore. And I know there are tonnes of different paths I can take to make this happen. 

I could get a working holiday visa, work my way around the world. I could develop decent photography skills and become a photojournalist. I could apply for a job overseas. I could volunteer. And these are just the obvious ideas.

I’m sure if I do a little research, there are a million other ways for me to travel and find adventure. 

Also, adventure doesn't have to be of the globe-trotting variety. There's probably plenty of adventure right here. I just need to get off my lazy but and find it. 

There's so much to see and do in Malaysia, so much to learn in the world (and learning is so easy thanks to the Internet), so much to see that doesn't require much money. All it takes a commitment. 

Commitment can be scary. I know it scares me. I'm always worried I won't be able to keep up and that I'd eventually let people down, let myself down. 

But recently I was reminded to not be afraid of commitment. It's actually not that difficult at all. And I know that one of the reasons I've failed to be consistent in my commitments is because I've been focusing on the wrong thing. 

If you're always worried you're going to fail, then eventually you will fail. You are what you focus on. Visualisation is  so important in everything that you do, so why is commitment any different?

So I suppose the best way to find adventure is to commit to it. Visualise commitment, focus on experiencing adventure and then follow through. I have to choose to not be afraid of committing to adventure.

Promises

I remember once when my father promised me something. Actually, I made him promise. I can’t even remember what the thing was but I do remember him saying he’d do it. I had asked him to promise and he said yes. But I insisted that he say the words, I insisted that he actually make a promise.

Another thing I remember very clearly is what I was thinking in that moment. Part of me wanted him to say the words ‘I promise’ because I thought it would mean more to him, that it would bind him and therefore increase the probability that he’d keep his word.

But another part of me, a bigger part, wanted him to promise so that when he did inevitably let me down like I knew he would, I could hold this over him. I could blame him for breaking a promise.

I figured out by then that promises are important and breaking promises can be devastating. And I also knew that I was the one who created the disappointment. I mean, yes, he did let me down and he did deserve the blame but so did I. I knew he wouldn’t do it and yet I still made him promise. It was something I did out of spite, out of wanting to have something else to blame him for because by that time, I had run out of things to be angry about. I just wanted to keep the anger going.

I realise that now. I understand that I was being unfair and bitter. 

Promises are important to me. I’ve broken too many of my own promises for that statement to seem even remotely sincere right now but it is. And I’ve tried and I am trying to make sure that I keep every promise I make. I try not make any promises that I doubt I can follow through on.

Promises are important and trust is staggeringly valuable. Breaking just one promise can shatter it all to bits. And I want to make sure that I don’t do that to anyone. 

Back in the loop

I've just realised that I haven't done much writing on here this year. So if you're still checking in hoping to see something new, you must probably feel a little out of the loop. Sorry!

I'm gonna update you right now. (I don't even know who this 'you' is. Probably that imaginary friend I have). This might get a little long and it'll definitely be wordy.

So this year I finished uni. I'm done. I have technically graduated! The graduation ceremony is only in April, though.

In terms of results, I didn't do as well as I had hoped for my thesis. I know where I went wrong though and I know it's from a lack of effort so I'm going to forgive myself for that. My CGPA is not as low as I thought so that's good. It's the minimum that I set for myself which is not exactly what I aimed for but it'll do.

Uni ended for me in August. Since then, I've been working. I got myself a part time job as a transcriber. I actually quite enjoy it. I get to work from home and I get to choose my work load. It's quite a good job to have while I spend time exploring my options.

What have I explored? I went for art classes for two months. I learned about drawing and sketching with pens and calligraphy brushes and I learned about proportions and lighting, which I was pretty bad at previously. Now I'm not as bad :) I did stop going though. The class was moving a little too slow for me and the lack of a structured lesson plan was not for me. I didn't like not moving progressively forward. It was dull. I do still enjoy painting and drawing. I just don't want to go for this particular class.

After that, I just focused more on knitting and crochet. I now have a sizable yarn collection. I've made a top for myself, a tank top for Nadiah, a scarf for my Simple Plan secret santa, one side of a sock, about 4 beanies, a small basket and many granny squares. I've been having a lot of fun with this. Right now I'm working on a tank top for mama and I'm going to start on a scarf for Malek.

There is one downside to all this knitting and crochet, though. I gave myself tendinitis. All that knitting and crocheting and typing for work started to take a toll on the tendon on my left wrist. I couldn't move my thumb for a week. It's better now. I've got myself a little laptop cushion to support my wrist and I've adjusted my knitting style so that I don't stretch my thumb too much. But it does still ache every morning. I'm doing the recommended wrist exercises whenever I remember to do it. Hopefully my wrist will start feeling better eventually.

What next? Oh yes, job hunting!

So I've been job hunting! I signed up for Jobstreet and to date, I've applied for a handful of jobs already. Today I got my first invite for an interview. I'm super nervous. I've never been to an interview before and I've never worked with complete strangers. I mean, this transcribing job is new too but I don't see them at all, I just work from home, complete connected online. Whereas a permanent job like this would be totally new territory. I'm stoked. I hope it goes well.

(It's not that I haven't been writing at all. I've just been writing a lot of really personal reflections so I never posted them here. I will make a point to write more on here though. I do miss it.)

Global Goals for Tomorrowland.

I do not understand why or how so many people are completely buried in negativity. I do not understand why so many people in this world are so focused on working towards a better future for themselves yet they don’t see that their futures are intertwined with that of others. I do not understand how those people are unable to grasp the simplest of ideas that doing what’s best for you also means doing what’s best for everyone else.

So many people allow themselves to drown in excuses. We tell ourselves that things cannot be better. We say that it’s highly improbable or that it’s downright impossible for any situation to improve because of this political reason or that lack of resource or it takes too much time here or too much money there. We cling to these excuses and we repeat them to ourselves and each other so often, it’s as if we’re proud of it.

(I just watched Tomorrowland and Hugh Laurie’s character’s monologue near then end about humans gobbling up the idea of an apocalypse really got to me. Seriously, go watch the movie and listen carefully to the well written script and beautifully laid out descriptions about the modern human condition)

I am indescribably frustrated at the collective human race for being utterly toothless when it comes to making the world a better place. Sure, we have our Mahatma Ghandi’s and Bill Gates’s and Nelson Mandala’s and Mother Theresa’s who put the best interest of the collective human race first on their list of priorities and they never backed down in their efforts to leave this world in a better state than when they found it.

But I’m not talking about our lack of Ghandi’s or Mother Theresa’s. I’m talking about the getting the regular folks to be just a little more compassionate and proactive. I’m talking about getting more individuals invested in the future. If every person on the planet was just a fraction more compassionate, if we were all just a little more in tuned to the atrocities that are occurring in this world, if we all just did that one little thing better in our lives, if we commit our time and effort to just one issue we feel could improve the world for everyone, then we can change the world.

The power to create a nicer, healthier environment for ourselves is in our hands. And as I said before, our fates are intertwined. So when we do something to improve our lives, other people’s lives improve as well and vice versa.

If we’d all just stop making excuses and start taking action, things will change. We have to stop sitting on our butts and waiting for someone else to do the thing. We have to stop having conversations about why things won’t change and start talking about how we can change them. And then do you know what we need? We need to pick a thing and do it. Commit to it. If every person on the planet, or even just half the people on the planet, decided to start recycling paper and only buy recycled paper, then we’d save a whole bunch of trees, and consequently we’d also save a whole of bunch of flora and fauna as well as reduce our carbon emission. If every existing house and every new house was fitted with solar panels or wind turbines, we’d dramatically reduce pollution and our dependence on fossil fuel. If every government official and every politician acted in the best interest of the people (as they are supposed to), then I’m sure we’d reduce infant mortality rates, crime rates, and poverty. I don’t have numbers for these predictions but I’m confident that it’s true to some degree.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. I don’t understand how politicians can be so greedy and power crazed that they forget their duties and elected officials. I don’t understand how big business people and very rich people are only interested in protecting their assets as of now but don’t care at all about what the planet and the global society is going to look like 50 years from now. I don’t understand how so many people can be so concerned about the short term gratifications without giving a single thought as to what the long term ramifications of their actions might be.

I do believe that humans are good. I believe that we are all (with the exception of those who have severe chemical imbalances in their brains) capable of compassion and empathy and care. Somewhere along the way, we seem to have lefts those things to the wayside while we adopted self-righteousness, selfishness, and greed. We’ve become so self-involved that we find it much easier to just sit back and absolve ourselves from any responsibility we might have towards each other as fellow humans rather than make the smallest change to our lifestyle for the benefit of humankind.

I want us to find that compassion. I want us to embrace all the positive energy we can, double it through commitment to a just cause and then release that energy via positive actions. I want us, as humans, to collective create the single most powerful ripple effect in the history of the world (if it can be measured) and I want that ripple effect to stem from good deeds; random acts of kindness, a commitment to recycle, a monthly donation to Doctors Without Borders, or just any one thing that is aimed at reducing world suck.

You may not see the effects of your efforts in your lifetime, certainly not if you’re the only one doing it but you have to know and understand that if those good deeds are sustained, then over time those efforts would pay off. Better still if more people committed to all the causes, because then you might be able to watch as the world changes and adapts to its bigger, brighter and better future.

If you want to change the world for the better, take a look at the Global Goals that were set out this year. We have 13 of them to accomplish by 2030. We can make it happen if we all work together. So go on, pick a thing and do it. Then get some people to join you in doing the thing as you change the world. Get your elected officials to commit as well and hold your government accountable. Hold your friends and family and yourself accountable. This is our planet and our society. We only have one of it so we'd better get to work at fixing it. 

I Don't Have A Ferrari To Sell

I’ve been thinking about change.

I’m reading a fascinating book now, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. It’s all about this hotshot lawyer was drowning in work. He had a heart attack, then decided to sell everything and go on a search for the purpose of life. He ended up with a bunch of monks in India, deep in the Himalayas. He came back looking years younger, alive, free, and fulfilled. The book is about him sharing what he had learned from the monks.

The first chapter talks about your mind being a garden. If you cultivate it with pretty and fulfilling things, your life will be fulfilling. And if you let weeds and negativity take root, they will eventually stifle you. What he says makes a lot of sense. He talks about meditating every day to train your mind to focus. If you can focus your mind on one thing, basically enter flow (Flow Theory) at will, you can do and be anything you want because you will be able to hold your focus.

Next is changing the negative thoughts you have to positive thoughts. Basically, learn to control your minds and harness the power of your thought. Based on positive psych and all that, I know about the power of positive thinking. It makes a difference in how you feel is you smile when you are mad. The simple act of replacing bad thoughts with good ones can make so much difference to the quality of your life. This eventually becomes a habit and you can learn to not hold on to bad thoughts and ideas.

And then he goes on to say that if you visualise what you want, the thing you are working towards, a goal, then you will get there. Visualisation keeps you on your target and it helps you see yourself attaining those goals and then your life and your choices will lead to them.

All this makes sense to me. I get it. It tallies with the stuff I've learned in uni.

The next chapter is about a lighthouse, or the purpose in life. He says that once you find something that makes you feel free and full, that is your purpose. For example, if painting gets your blood pumping, if you are excited by it and have this internal drive to keep doing it, then that is your purpose. And it’s also important to make sure that this purpose involves serving others in some way. So perhaps showcasing your art to touch lives? Or teach people about art?

Once you find this purpose (it make take some exploration before you pin it down), cultivate it. Keep your mind focused on it. And then set small goals related to your purpose. Keep your mind on those goals and make sure you have the courage to act on them.

In fact, you can do this with any small goals as well. Say you want to be more peaceful, or more financially secure, just set small goals. He outlines a 5 step process to it that you can use.

The whole book so far seems quite psychological and methodological which makes sense. Because even spirituality and transcendence requires some form of discipline and understanding of what works with humans. Since psychology is all about how humans work, applying it to this is a logical step.

But then I started thinking about making all these changes. Sure, I can meditate each day to train my mind, I can regularly visualise myself obtaining my goals and then acting on those steps to achieve what I want.

However, it’s not as simple as it seems, is it? I have responsibilities. People who are counting on me. Besides, I’m still young. I don’t actually have a solid life to change yet. So sure, I can shape my life using these principles to avoid the need for change later on, but what happens to my family while I’m on this quest?

I can’t just decide to go after what I want without considering how it might affect the people around me. I just can’t.

So is this book really for me? I mean, I can read it and apply parts of it to my own life. I’m sure I can stand to benefit from some of these techniques. But maybe I’m just not ready for this entire book. Or maybe I just don’t need it in the same way that the monk did. Perhaps some of these techniques will be enough for me for now. Maybe that's the whole idea. To take what you need from this pool if wisdom and apply it to your life accordingly. 

I know I can do better with focusing my mind. I know I can do better with being more positive. So I shall.

I can start on one of these techniques, perhaps meditation. I want to learn how to focus my mind. I want to take charge of it. And I know I can do this. I think this exercise will help me hone my discipline as well, which I know is terrible right now. Each day will be an improvement.

(I’ll start the meditation next week though. I want to start it after I’m done with the assignments)

Not So Blue Hair

Ok. I've been harping on about wanting blue hair for a while now. The first time I tried it, the dye didn't work well and I ended up with greyish green, almost black, hair. So, that was a bummer.

But now, the Manic Panic dye that I ordered from Amazon finally arrived! The colour I chose was Blue Moon. It's bright, blue and beautiful. It's the exact shade of blue that I want.

Here's what the catalog looks like.

Cool, right??

To make sure that the colour stands out, I know taht I have to bleach my hair. And I did. Twice. I bleached once to brown and again, about a week later, to a golden brownish colour. I stopped there because I thought it was light enough. The blue is so bright and it should go well on my hair.

I was wrong, of course. I needed to bleach my hair to a pale yellow if I want the blue to be as blue as it is in the picture. So I was a little disappointed by that. By not having blue.

Instead of blue, I have green. Green hair. Which makes sense since the blue was applied to brown hair (I think it makes sense). And I actually like this green. It's a dark, lively sort of green. Not dead grass green. It actually looks like a green of another colour of Manic Panic dye, Enchanted Forest.

I really like this green. I still want blue hair someday but I'm sticking with this green now because I really like it. It looks like an anime character's hair.

I'll update this with a photo once I take a good one. :)

*Update (14/1):

The colour is kinda visible. It's fading a bit now. The green is slowly becoming less enchanted forest, more army green. Which is still very pretty.

Benjamin: he came back a changed laptop

So, my laptop, Benjamin, was having some issues. I had to send him to the shop to be fixed. He had some minor problems and I was going to send him but a couple of days before I planned to do it, he crashed. The screen went blue and it said that windows was forced to shut down. Of course, I went into a silent panic.

We took him to the PC doctors and they said that the hard drive was damaged and it needed to be replaced. So ok, we replace the hard drive and fix the other small problems too. Now, I know what replacing the hard drive meant. I expected to lose all my data and I did, I expected to have to reinstall some things like VLC and perhaps Google Chrome. I was prepared for that.

However, things hardly ever go according to plan, right?

As it turns out, I have Benjamin but back it's like he's a totally new thing. The usual suspects were missing (i.e: data, VLC, latest Skype). BUT, something feels a little off with it. Something wasn't quite right.

That's when it hit me. MICROSOFT OFFICE! Benjamin didn't have microsoft office installed anymore! So I can't open any words files. All my thesis work and part time work can't be access on Benji yet because he doesn't know how to do it. Damn it.

Also, the mouse pad is different. I used to be able to scroll with it using two fingers. Now, it's kinda of backtracked to an old fashioned only-one-finger-function mousepad. So no scrolling at all. I only just realised how much I rely on that function. I'm trying to scroll through things and I end up feeling like a fool because it doesn't work anymore.

That stumps me, though. Why would changing the hard drive affect the mouse at all? I suppose this must be a software issue. Did I get an old mouse software to replace the one in my old hard drive?? That really sucks.

All in all, I am happy that I have Benji back but I wish the mouse was the same. :(

The screen also feels different to me but maybe that's just me

Wanted: Excitement and Intrigue

I have no idea what life is right now.

I feel lost, unsure, insecure. I feel slow, heavy, jaded.

I had dinner with a friend yesterday and we spent a a few hours just talking. I haven't seen him in a while so there was lots to talk about. For him, at least. So much had happened to him and so many things were happening to him and we spent all that time just talking about every single thing I had missed in his life. And them more time on every single thing that he was looking forward to, things he had planned, the way he's grown as a person.

But when the conversation turned to me, I had nothing to say. There was nothing new to report. The time that had elapsed since we last talked was filled with monotony and dull, daily living for me. There was no intrigue or excitement. There were no new experiences and no upcoming exciting experiences to look forward to. Everything was just so boring. And I don't mean that I'm bored (though I sometimes am) or that life was boring (though it sometimes is). I just mean that I have not done anything worth talking about at all. I have not gone through anything worth sharing and I have nothing even remotely stimulating to talk about in terms of my life.

Am I that person now? Is this what my life has become? I am the boring friend. I am the jaded one who just sits and latches on to other people's stories as they tell them because it's so much more exciting than my own.

I never wanted to be this and I never thought I would be, but here I am.


But the question is, am I inherently this person? Or is this just something we all have to handle sometimes? Is it one of those many phases of life?

I sure hope so. I hope it's a phase.

I don't want to be stuck like this forever.

I want some excitement. I want to go out and get it.

But where do I begin?

75% Tired, 25% Procrastination

The title is my reason for being here. Well, 75% a reason and 25% an excuse.

This month really is the month of horror. Halloween, check. Costume, nada. Massive pile of assignments, double check. 

Four in one week. And then another. Or more accurately: five in eight days.

3 of those are group assignments so it's not that I have to do it all by myself. I'm thankful for that. 

One of the individual assignment is a big one that I should have started on sooner, like a week before. It's a 4000 word literature review on a topic of my choosing which has to be related to cognitive/learning phenomenons in animals. Sounds peachy... but it really isn't. Interesting but immensely tedious.

I actually started a week ago but I had no idea what to look for in the highly technical journals which make up the pool of literature in the field of comparative psychology. I read journal after journal and understood only the bare minimum. So of course, I decided to hold off on it till later.

Well, later is here.

And I'm kinda panicking.

I have a little over a week to write a comprehensive paper on imitation in animals (topic of my choice). I think I can do this. Sure. I always manage to finish on time (except for one paper when I was 10 minutes late because I couldn't find parking). So what's the point in panicking, am I right?

WRONG.

This time, I have 4 other assignments to work on. Two of which are due three days before this and another that's due on the same day as this literature review. Mentally though, if I pay attention to my internal emotions and thought processes, I find that I'm in full blown anxiety mode.

I have a stack of journals to read in preparation for the in-class assignment on Tuesday. I have a reflection to write for the other Tuesday assignment.

On top of that, I have to work on an essay about the Stoic philosophical view on the meaning of life; due on Sunday. AND, write that darned lit review (this includes reading about 15 journals and trying to make sense of it).

Oh, also, I have to work on the assignment that's due on the eight day of aforementioned little-over-a-week from hell. For this, I have to read journals, help delegate sections to my group members, possibly compile all the sections and standardise the language. 

That's the big 5 for this month.

You think that's all... it's not.

I have a meeting next week for another group assignment which is due on the 17th of next month and I need to go prepared so I'll be able to contribute. That brings me up to five full assignments and one half of a sixth assignment.

Cool. I haven't had time to really paint or draw at all these past week. :(

(I realise that this is me complaining and I accept full responsibility for it. I should get a grip and get to work. Less talk and more work means less stress. I can do this)

I used to be really good at coming up with titles

Sometimes I get this sudden and overwhelming feeling of anxiety about the future.

I begin to worry about getting a job, getting a house, work shoes. I worry about what I'd be like and whether I'd be able to get more tattoos and what if my current tattoos prevent me from getting a job. I worry about even finding a job. I worry about the future need to get a new laptop, about new clothes and a new bras. I worry about what life will be like and what the world will be like. I worry about who my friends will be and if the current friends I have will still be around. I feel anxious.

All this worrying happens for like 3 minutes and then I go back to being unperturbed.

I think there's a word for this feeling but I can't seem to find it.

Anyway, moving on. I have a meeting with my thesis supervisor this week. I'm really excited about it but I'm also a little nervous. I have a rough idea of what I want my topic to be but I've not done much research on it yet and I'm wondering if I should. I mean, I know that the first few conversations that I will have with my supervisor is going to revolve around refining my topic, but wouldn't it be amazing and totally productive if I went in for this meeting well prepared?

The answer is yes, of course it would.

I have a paper due on Thursday. I should finish writing it tomorrow so I can start some thesis research. I don't want to let my supervisor down and I want this thesis to be well thought out and well written. It's not impossible and I will do it.

So, decision made. I will do some research before the meeting so I can have a productive conversation with my supervisor.

Also, if I get some research done now, I can put aside thesis work in October and focus on assignments instead. I have like, 6 assignments due that month. It'll be the month when I feel like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Once every semester.

Ok.

That's all. I just really wanted to write down how I sometimes feel about the future. But then the words started flowing and here we are. This worrying thing has happened 2-3 times this past couple of weeks. That's more than usual and it's kind of freaking me out.

We are made of star-stuff

 On this episode of Kath's Journey in Philosophy: We are made of star-stuff!

We were still talking about reality in class today. Somehow, we got around to talking about what we're made of. We watched Neil deGrasse Tyson's TIME interview that is on YouTube. He said we are made of the universe, and the universe is made of us. We are composed of the same basic elements that the universe is made of. We originated from that same central moment of the beginning of everything. So when we look up into the sky and see what we can of the universe beyond Earth, we don't have to feel small because we are the universe. Everything that is in those stars and planets is in us as well.

Our lecturer also talked about the Hadron Colliders in Cern and Buffalo. An experiment was conducted on two subatomic (maybe?) particles, one at each location. I really don't know the technicalities or science behind it so I'm not going to explain it. Not yet. I'll keep reading because I still don't understand. BUT, the point is, that the two particles 'resonated' with each other and it brought up the possibility that every particle is connected; that all energy is somehow connected.

When I put those two ideas together in my head, I was exhilarated. I was so moved. We are made of the same basic elements (which is obvious but not exciting until you really put some thought into it) and we (quite probably) all resonate with each other on a subatomic level. We are so intricately connected in more ways than one.

I cannot even begin to express how much this blows my mind.

I turned to Li Huan who was sitting next to me to tell him how amazed I was and I teared up.

That's how much.

Imagine if we all knew this, if we all accepted that this is entirely possible - that everything in us hails from the same, one moment in time, and that all the particles in us resonate as one. Imagine that. Once that becomes our truth, how can there be any hate? How can there be anything less that acceptance, care and understanding. How can there be anything less than love and eternal connectedness (not a word?)?

When I looked at Li Huan and I tried to articulate my excitement, I felt so connected to him. I felt connect to him and everyone around me in a way that I've never felt before. We were one.We are one. Every part of my being is essentially the same as every part in his being.

You know when you find someone who has the exact same pencil case that you have and you're like, "Duuude! We have the exact same pencil case! That is so awesome!" and you are genuinely excited; you feel this instant connection with that person because you found that first common ground, that feeling of pure joy and unity that strikes you so suddenly. That is what I felt but on a much larger, more primal and universal scale.

YOU AND ME ARE ONE.

And that is the most exciting, mind-blowing and (hopefully) life changing moment I have ever had the pleasure to experience.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

I REALLY WANT TO DYE MY HAIR BLUE

I've been wanting to do this for a while now and I've been saving money.

But then I decided to do it myself. Well, me and Vill. She wants some purple and I want two shades of blue. I found a shop when I was walking around with Nadiah and it sold hair dyes of various brands. They also had bleach and just so many other hair products.

I want the bottom part of my hair to be visibly blue. So like a lighter than midnight blue kind of colour or maybe just bright, deep blue. As for the top of my hair, I want it to be really dark blue; blue black.

I'm so excited about this. Mostly because I'm going to do it myself. No salon. No expensive stylists.

I've watched so many videos on how to bleach and dye hair. I've watched tutorials on using different types of bleach and how to get the ombre effect. I now have a lot more information about hair dyeing than I did this morning. I know about different strengths of bleach and different brands of hair dye. I know why I should use foil and I know how to get an even colour.

I JUST WANT TO START PUTTING ALL THIS NEW FOUND KNOWLEDGE TO GOOD USE!

I am so restless. I just really want to dye my hair. It's so exciting; dyeing my own hair. It's so exciting to think that I'm going to have blue hair soon. It's so exciting to know that Vill is going to have some purple in her hair. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS EXCITING except the waiting. The waiting sucks.

And the only silver lining I can find is delayed gratification.

I will definitely love the blue hair so much more after all this waiting.

NOW PLEASE

I've also been thinking about actually having blue hair. Being a student, this would be great. I think I'll look nice with blue hair and I'd have so much fun telling people that I did it at home. AND, I would probably be more confident about dyeing my hair more often. I'm still in uni. I might as well make the most of it.

I doubt I'll be able to have funky hair in most jobs in Malaysia.

Speaking of jobs, I haven't found anything that I could possibly apply for that is related to my psychology degree. It's kind of sad. So I don't want to think about it more on this post. Maybe another post in the future.

I WANT BLUE HAIR NOW PLEASE

Metaphysics and My Reality

I'm taking a Philosophy of Life and Death class this semester. It's mentally taxing and extremely intriguing. We talk about many philosophers and what they have said or written about life and death. We talk about contemporary ideas on philosophy and we challenge our own ideas on meaning and everything else related to philosophy.

The best (and worst) part about this class is that I start each lesson feeling confused and eager and by the end of it I'm confused and lost. 

For now, we've gone into metaphysics. We're talking about reality and the nature of it. There are a few main hypotheses about reality posed by a few philosophers; duality, computer mediated, creation and a combination of all three. (I was gonna link you to things but it's more of a bunch of links for each theory so you can go here to look at it all and more)

Personally, I really like the duality hypothesis. It makes sense to me and I like what it implies about reality.

Basically, we have the external, physical world and the internal reality which is our mind (thoughts, ideas and perceptions). Reality is the physical and the mental aspects coexisting. Two separate aspects, that is, where the mind is somewhat in control of the body and the physical world but it is also limited to the environment we are in because the mind responds to outside stimuli quite a bit.

What do I think is reality? What is my take on the nature of reality?

I don't fully know yet. I do think that whatever I'm about to say isn't original. I've collected thoughts and ideas from other people, other thinkers, and merely pieced some parts together to fit my understanding.

Reality is the life I lead. It is true for me. The limited space/environment that I am in is my reality and the knowledge and information I can access adds to that reality. The physical world is a huge part of my reality and it has a major impact on my internal world, which in itself is vast and seemingly infinite. I cannot discount science because I do think that it provides us with some form of understanding of the world we live in. However, I cannot say for certain that science is accurate because every form of measurement was conceived in relation to everything else in the world. Which means that science is only accurate in relation of everything else. Measurement is what we humans created so that we could have some structure. So if we meet an alien race, their measurements would likely be entirely different to ours. That brings up an issue because if science is only accurate in relation to everything else, we will need to make sure that everything else is accurate in order to say that our science is accurate. But how do we do that? The whole concept of measurement is that it is done in relation to everything else. This then renders science inaccurate or at least, unreliable in the grand scheme of things, at least in my reality. 

So what is accurate? I don't think anything can be accurate; at least not by my understanding. Accuracy is what we say it is and nothing more. Who is to say, then, that reality is not that as well? Following that train of logic, reality is what we say it is. Reality is subjective. And so my reality is what I make it, within the confines of my knowledge and experience. If my external experience of the world has led me to an internal conclusion of the presence or existence of God or a divine/supreme/supernatural force, then that becomes my reality. 

That also means that I have to accept that other people have their own subjective reality. On the one hand, if I'm saying that I create my own reality, I can argue that these other realities that are subject to other people are merely my own creation. If I create my own reality, I also create the reality of others around me because they are just part of my creation of reality. A paradox.

On the other hand, I'd prefer to think that each person is real in their own right and they each have their own bubbles of reality. These bubbles may coincide or diverge, but they are subject to the person experiencing it. This means that I will have to accept that there are realities out there which are just as real as mine but I may never experience or know; so it is, at the same time, not real to me. Sounds like a multiple reality theory because it is, but this is one where all these realities coexist in one universe. 

Of course, I don't think this long winded explanation is fool proof, nor is it infallible. I'm sure I could raise more questions from my explanation if I thought about it longer. Like, if my mind is my reality, does that mean that everything I know and experience in my mind is real? If so, can I mould my reality to whatever I want it to be? And many other logically sound questions.

I am thoroughly enjoying this class.  *I've been gesturing the thumbs up in my head for everything positive I've encountered these past few day and I don't know why*

Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence

At one point in my life, I thought I could be more than just a statistic. I thought I could be a person who is more than just another person. I thought that maybe I could be smarter than the average person or really talented in one thing, perhaps ambitious and successful, maybe even funnier than most people. However, the older I get, the more I feel like those things are never going to happen.

I don't feel talented. I know I'm not ambitious. I definitely cannot make a living out of being funny.

What I feel is this: I am nothing more than a statistic. I am not an anomaly, I am not an exception. I am merely average and I am not more.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with being average. Some people live for being average. Most people don't even think about it and that is why they are average. But me, I don't want to be average. I want to be special. I want to be different. I value difference.

But I'm not. I can study and be smarter, sure, but not exceptionally smarter. I can keep painting and getting better but I don't know that I'll ever be able to make it my life's work.

And on the other hand, I believe that with hardwork and patience, I can be anything I can. I can be exceptional and incredible.

Then I go back to feeling like I can't do any of those things. It's a cycle, you see. And I need to find a way to get out of it.

And then I think about this quote I saw online: 

You make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions - a person's archery trainer

It makes sense to me, with a little adjustment. I feel lost because I'm focusing on the target (who I want to be) and not on my actions.

I have to stop thinking about all the things I want to be but feel I can't and start focusing on what I'm doing right now to get wherever that is not here.

I have to start doing.

I have to take control of my life and my behaviour and do what I want to do to be the person that I want to be. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me.

Here's another appropriate quote:
But I can't move the mountains for you - Mumford & Sons

Finally, this:
When you’re unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. Your truly happy people, which is to say, your people who truly like themselves, they don’t think about themselves very much. Your unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwellin’ on himself and start payin’ attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence. - Tom Robbins

I have to remember this. One of those light bulb moments that, in hindsight, is totally obvious.

I remember the times when I'm happy. And in those moments, I don't see myself. I remember what's around me, the people, the emotions. I was so happy and it didn't matter that I was focused on other people.

When I'm sad, I'm so engrossed in my own issues and my own agenda that I don't see other people. I forget to remember them or pay attention to the world around me.

Is it that unhappiness makes me self indulgent or does self indulgence make me unhappy?

I supposed I'll have to figure it out on my own.

I have to go out there and do things. Read and learn and do things because I know it will make me happy.