Goodnight, Raggedy Man

I had the urge to write so here I am.

So many thoughts. But first, Doctor Who. 

This Christmas we said goodbye to the Eleventh Doctor, the amazing Matt Smith and his delicate eyebrows. When I was on a Doctor Who marathon to catch up with the latest episodes back in season 7, I was sad that we saw so little of Christopher Eccleston as Nine. Then I fell in love with David Tennant as the Tenth. Watching him leave was a sob fest in my room. He was beautiful and perfect and I didn't want someone new to take over his name. I was thoroughly against it!

But Davina told me to continue and I did. And before the end of the first episode of Matt Smith as the Doctor, I was hooked. Matt delivered a brilliant performance and till this day, my favourite line from him is, "I'm the Doctor. Basically, run." His first episode; The Eleventh Hour.

He was the boy, the playful one, the cheeky little imp. The quirky dancing, the bow tie, the desperate attempt for a simpler life by forgetting all the pain, the big sad eyes framed with almost no eyebrows and the flappy hands when he speaks. These are the things I'll miss most with Matt Smith gone. He was a fantastic doctor in his own right and no one can convince me otherwise.

Now, throughout the year, I've read tonnes of reviews of the show written by fans. Mostly praising Matt for his continuously brilliant acting and berating Moffat (the head writer) for all the plot holes and shoddy characters. I agree with some of the criticism of Moffat. His writing is obviously misogynistic at times and some of the plot holes are just way to big to ignore. However, I think the Christmas special addressed a few of those plot holes (while creating a few more which I'm sure the fans will pick up on once they're done mourning Matt's goodbye). 

One plot hole I've noticed was the whole regeneration thing. Eleven explained that Ten used one regeneration but kept the same face and the War Doctor used one regeneration as well even though he didn't call himself The Doctor. So that makes Eleven technically the thirteenth doctor. No more regenerations. So he resigned himself to growing old. 

However, there was a point in series 7 when he gave River some regeneration powers to heal her broken hand and he also tried to regenerate when River (as the impossible astronaut) shot him. Where did he get those regenerations from? Major. Plot. Hole!

I'm not too sure but I think those regenerative stuff came from River herself who gave it to him in Let's Kill Hitler (or the episode after that?) when he was dying or something and there was a robot Amy Pond? So perhaps that's the explanation for Eleven being left with no more regenerations in this Christmas episode?

Anyways, the Time Lords supplied him with a whole new regeneration cycle (so another 12 regenerations?) which left him able to change into the Twelfth Doctor (PETER CAPALDI). Cool. But what about the Time Lords? What about Gallifrey? Are they ever coming back to this Universe? Will the Doctor ever see them again? Why was Clara in the same flat as Rose was? Does that mean something?

ALL THE QUESTIONS!

Either way, Matt is gone and I'll miss him a lot. And I think for Whovians, especially those who got into it with the reboot, these Whovians will always equate bow ties with Doctor Who. Matt made bow ties cool. And stetsons. And though no one ever said it, skinny jeans and suspenders. He was our hipster doctor.

On the other hand, I can't wait to see what Peter Capaldi will turn into a trend.

We've only seen him for a few seconds at the end of the Christmas episode. Some people swear that he kept his Sottish accent. I hope so! That's both sad and exciting. Sad because character-wise, he probably developed a Scottish accent in memory of Amelia Pond. Exciting because SCOTTISH ACCENT!

I'm not sure though. He didn't say much so we'll have to wait till August to find out. I'm really excited about Peter Capaldi being the Doctor. I have no idea who he is and I've only watched one movie with him in it (I only watched it because I found out that he's going to be Twelve and I wanted to know him on screen). I'm pretty sure I'm going to like him as the Doctor. He seems promising, really. And I can't wait to see Clara and him interact! Plus, he's got huge eyebrows (which is something I hope Clara points out in the upcoming series).

8 months. 8 months till the next series. In that time, Supernatural season 9 would have ended, so would Sherlock season 3, Game of Thrones season 4 and Hannibal season 2. Also, I'd be done with my second year of university. So many things will end before the beginning of a new era on Doctor Who. 

PETER CAPALDI!

Band Girl

Well look at that. It's been more than a month.

This semester is finally over, thank God. It's been quite a long semester, relatively speaking. I was quite ready to flop on the floor by the end of week 8. But of course, I couldn't. I had 14 weeks altogether to get through. 201 was fun. I learnt a lot and Ms. Winnee was a great lecturer. 209 was ok. I didn't participate in class as much as I should have but I did enjoy the class. I can't say the same for Malaysian Studies, though. That was horrible, as expected. I'm just glad to be done with it (I won't know for sure til I get the results but I think I passed. SO, NO MORE!). 205 was interesting. Engaging, to say the least. Dr. Chua tried very hard to help us change the way we think; going from always finding the correct answer to opening our mind to the possibility of multiple answers that are neither right nor wrong. She had me wishing that all teachers would adopt her method of educating.

School aside, things have been ok. I've not been thinking very much but I think I'm heading there. I've started reading again too. Yes, it's been a little bit of a struggle. Dan Brown's Inferno was no issue but the sixth installment to the Hitchhikers Guide is a little harder. I'm reminding myself to read it whenever I have nothing else to do (which is a lot of the time now that I'm on break). Mama bought me quite a few books from the sale recently so I have a bunch more books to read. I still have the ones from last year too. That's one of the the goals I've set for myself this semester break. Read more.

The others are; make perfect caramel sauce, snail mail christmas cards, make macaroons and paint more (specifically: make typography posters but I think I'll widen that to just any kind of painting).

I've made caramel sauce. It came out a little thicker than I wanted so I'm going to have to do that one again. The thick caramel is pretty good so I'm going to save it for the center of my macaroons if I ever manage to make them. Or I might just eat it plain.

I'm not going through the rest of the list because that would be immensely boring. Instead, I'm going to state something I've learnt about myself. I like bands. Yes, this may seem a little obvious to others but I've only just realised this. the kind of music I like is usually band stuff (not boy band). I like Simple Plan, Yellowcard, Coldplay, Linkin Park. I like the collaboration of many instruments and styles and just music by bands. The only solo artist I can confidently say I like is Ed Sheeran. His music is beautiful and I'd listen to his entire album on repeat, no issue. His voice is just amazing and the songs he write are incredibly poetic. But then there are bands who rock out and sing about everything under the sun, both silly and emotionally draining. So yeah, I'm definitely a band girl. :)

OH also! We're going to Singapore this weekend! I'm really excited! I've never been there so I'm looking forward to it! On the down side, there'll be a disruption to the water supply tomorrow and possibly the following few days as well. I am prepared for stinky.

Quote I found in the book I'm currently reading (though I think the author took it from somewhere else):
For every action, there will be an equal and opposite reaction.

Let Your Subconscious Speak!

Righto, time for another post.

I am happy today:)

I had a dream two nights ago and I feel really good about it because I think I understand myself a little more. Dreams, according to Freud, are the "royal road to the unconscious". The foundation of Freudian psychology is the unconscious mind and how we, humans, are driven to behave the way we do by our unconscious mind which is regulated by our conscious and subconscious minds. When we dream, our unconscious mind takes over and it incorporates things from our life, both conscious and subconscious. So Freud felt that analysing and interpreting dreams would be a good way to tap into your unconscious mind. 

I agree, somewhat cautiously, with Freud. When we're thinking about something a lot, we tend to dream about it. When we have a problem and we decide to 'sleep on it', our subconscious works to solve it and sometimes that process manifests itself in the form of dreams. We then wake up with this revelation, the sudden light bulb idea which isn't sudden at all because your brain has been working on it while you were asleep.

So this dream taught me a few invaluable lessons. There were subplots in my dream too but that's not important right now. 

Let's get to the point, shall we.

This dream I had involved things and people from my life as well as stranger elements like a big and clinically white room. I won't recount the dream here but the essence of it was this: I was presented with something I had always been afraid of and that something taught me to: 1. Not be afraid of it anymore because my reasons for being afraid of it were stupid, 2. what I want is not what I always thought I wanted, and 3. it then showed me what I actually do want. The details are irrelevant. 

This lesson came in the form of a person. This person showed me that what I always dreamt of having is not really what I want. All the amazing adventures and excitement, all the crazy fun and all the passion is not what I'm actually craving for. What I want is serenity, gentle love and calm reassurances. As much as I love the idea of a wild west blockbuster Parisian romance, what I really want is the complete opposite. What I want is my own Freddie Page without the drama and commitment issues.

All this time, I was misguided by my own head. I kept imagining incredible adventures with people I love and I've done that so often that I convinced myself it's what I want. I told myself that this is what I keep saying and thinking, therefore this is what I want.

I could not have been more wrong. And my brain decided to clear that up. Thank you, brain.

My subconscious took something I was afraid of (big, scary, too much to handle), put it in the form of a person and then proceeded to show me that I'm not actually afraid of big and scary; that I've been interpreting 'big' and 'scary' wrong all this time. Big and scary turned out to be the gentlest, kindest, most loving creature ever. And this creature then showed me that I wanted big in the form of gentle. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

I wrote the dream down because I want to remember it. The last line explains it perfectly: 

What I want is what he personified in my dream; the calm and comfort that love offers while being paradoxically imposing yet gentle.

I still think that's a bunch of the words swapped for synonyms based on what I wrote above but maybe it helps a little more with the understanding thing.

The whole point of this post is that I've discovered something about myself either by chance or by constant subconscious mulling. I don't know. Maybe both. Whichever it is, I know myself better and I'm better for it. This really made my day, or should I say 'days' since the dream was from two nights ago and I'm still cheery. 

I'm also caught up on my assignments so the only thing that's going to cause me stress is the Malaysian Studies trip but since there's no class tomorrow, I might even be in a great mood for that!

WOHOO!

I DID NOT CRY WOHOO!

THE TIME IS NOW!!

As you can probably tell with the capital letters, I can barely contain my excitement!

I am now, as mama says it, scarred for life. AND IT IS AMAZING!

I finally got myself tattooed! The quote, "I am not alone. I have my imaginary friends" is permanently etched into my skin with black ink.

Yes, it hurt a lot. Needles moving so fast that all you can hear is a buzz and it digging into your skin, embedding ink into your epidermis. I felt like it was vibrating really fast and it was really painful. But totally worth it.

My tattoo artist, Lina, was great. The font she found was beautiful and everything about it is wonderful. And she has beautiful tattoos as well. I can now fully appreciate all the pain a person goes through for a tattoo and lemme tell you, it is incredible. I take my hat off to anyone with a tattoo.

Having said that, I'm definitely going in for another. Not anytime soon, though. I want this one to heal completely first but I'm definitely getting inked again.

Anyways, here it is:

My hairiness is also very obvious but let's ignore that for now and focus on the ink. I AM THOROUGHLY EXCITED ABOUT IT!

MAIL TIME!

THE PAST HAS ARRIVED!

Hehehee.

I got another letter from my past self! :)

I love getting these letters. It's a nice benchmark for the year. It helps me look back on things that have happened over the past year and how much has changed.

I was particularly chatty a year ago. I wrote myself a 2 paged letter. A lot has definitely changed. I've gotten closer to my new friends. so close that they're not even new anymore. Uni is no longer new either. I'm so comfortable there and doing my own thing. I know how to be a university student. The thing that hasn't changed is my excitement over learning psychology, though. That's still pretty much the same and I'm glad that it is. 

Me from a year ago wanted me now to have a tattoo and though I don't have one yet, I will in 3 days! So that's something I can definitely check off my list. I haven't milked a cow, sewn a dress from scratch or gone bungee jumping but I have had English Tea at Ms.Marples in Melbourne! Better one thing than nothing at all.

I wrote myself another letter to my future self. One more year till I hear from me again.

I think it's a beautiful idea. I think everyone should do it. Also, now that I think of it, this moment, this thing of sending letters to myself, it goes really well the tattoo I'm going to get (I'm not alone, I have my imaginary friends). Apt, I'd say.

I wonder what me from the future will be like. Happy, I hope. And a little more confident. Fitter and perhaps eating healthier. A little more motivated too and less restless.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, I'm going to sleep. I know that me from tomorrow is going to be mad at me from today if I stay up any later :P

Ink and No Angel

Two things; Supernatural and Tattoos.

Thing 1: Supernatural.

Season 9 just started and we're 3 episodes in. I really like this season so far. It feels different.

Dean is more forthcoming with his feelings and there's so much going on with Sam. Cas is human now and struggling. I can't wait for more Crowley. And Kevn. KEVIN! He is amazing this season. New generation hunter and part of the family. He's beautiful.

I'm really happy there's still 20 episodes to look forward to.

All the subplots are, in my opinion, a lot more exciting this time. Sam has an angel inside him to help him heal but he doesn't know about it. Said angel doesn't want Cas around, which means Dean has to kick Cas out of the bunker. Kevin is the new Bobby, Crowley is half human, Abaddon wants to be Queen of Hell and is gathering her army, Bartholomew is the new Angel boss, Metatron is still in heaven, Gabriel is coming back. So demons and angels and reapers are looking for Cas and the Winchesters. SO MUCH IS HAPPENING!!

Thing 2: Ink.

I'm going to make an appointment this Saturday. I'm really excited about it! The quote I'm getting is:

i am not alone
i have my
imaginary friends

I want it on my arm that way and have a sort of armband going around. I have an idea for the armband pattern but I will ask the artist if he thinks its ok. He'll know better and probably even come up with a better design. But that's essentially what I want.

I can't wait. Tomorrow is Saturday!

I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing

Hello again.

The next few weeks are going to be really busy for me. I have 4 papers, all due within 2 weeks of each other. On top of that, I have to complete a group project for Malaysian Studies (ergh).

So, I do feel a little heavy.

Besides uni, I've decided to start exercising. Not major stuff, just mini exercises at home. So far, so good. Except that my thigh are amazingly sore right now. I am determined to get in shape, so this is the pain I have to bear.

Anyway, I was supposed to head on to the tattoo place today with my brother to make an appointment but that didn't work out because he (my brother) only had a couple hours of sleep or something. So we postponed. I am a little upset but I'm going with the 'everything happens for a reason' explanation. I now have more time to solidify my idea. I know the essence of what I want to get. I just don't know what I want it to look like. So this time has given me some space to think. I have it now. I know what I want this tattoo to look like. I'm open to other ideas that the artist might have but I know the general image and that's a relief.

For now, I'm going to have to sit down and gear up for writing. 4 papers is no joke. I have little bits and bobs for each paper, I just need to string them together. All these words and so little motivation. I feel kinda stuck in the mud and slow.

I need to find some sort of kick to get me up and running. Something to get the juices flowing. I don't know what I can do. I've rearranged my room, watched the latest Supernatural episode, baked a tart, blogged, sketched, napped and then stared at the assignment for a while.

Nothing seems to be working. I think all those things I did was really just me procrastinating.

Today, I hate the silence at home. It's solid and pressing. It's slow and demotivating. But I know that when people come back home and start talking, making noise, I'm going to be wishing for silence again. So I suppose it's not the silence. It must be the fact that I'm the only human being in this house right now. That's what bother me; is bothering me. What I want is human presence with silence. Silent company.

On a lighter note, I watched the World Mental Health Day stage production last night. It was pretty good. A friend directed and another friend acted. The PA system was a joke but everything else was pretty cool. So many talented people in this uni. And smart too. (C'mon universe, I get it already. You did good, you don't have to keep reminding me).

People are so intriguing.

Opening That Door.

What would you say or do if someone told you that they would like to know what goes on in your head? If they asked you to volunteer honest insights, not just on current events but on anything at all, would you do it?

Would it scare you to let the world into your head? Would it worry you what they might find or what you might have forgotten was in there all along?

I would be. Scared, that is. My head, my mind; it's my safe haven. The thought of letting people see it, even a glimpse, makes me shiver.

Yet that's what I might do. Might being the operative word.

A couple of friends told me that they'd like to know what goes on in my head. They want to know me better. They want me to share. And I do want to, but what they're asking is for me to talk about things I don't talk about to anyone but myself.

I think that's asking a lot. That's basically walking up to a politician and asking for the keys to the journals they wrote as a teenager. I don't know if I'm going to do it.

Part of me feels like it's about time I spoke my mind more and opened up to people. But another part of me, a seemingly bigger part, feels like I'm entitled to my privacy and should not give it up just because someone asked me to.

I really don't know what to do. I have not decided. Maybe I can share just a few things. Nothing grand, nothing big. Just tiny things in all honesty.

Dyou think that's reasonable?

Fulfill Your Own Prophecy, Why Don't You!

This week seems like it's going to be a relaxing one. The calm before the storm. I still have 3 group projects to complete but we're only really starting them all next week. So for now, I'm just sitting here, wondering what to do. I suppose I could study. And maybe watch more tv shows (I have quite a few to catch up on). OR, I could do what someone once told me to; make a list of things that I like to do and go do them.

I might attempt a little bit of everything. (Update: I did some chores and then watched half a season of Haven. Whooo!)

But first I want to talk about something.

(I'll be right back, the washing machine just beeped)

I'm back.

What I wanted to talk about is how everyday, we are faced with cruel reminders of things we cannot have. I'm not talking about an iPad or a BMW. When I say things, I mean love, peace, understanding from that one person who means the world to you. You cannot always have these things.

Sometimes, you come so close only to find out that you will only ever be able to see it, but never have it.

I feel like this sometimes. I think and rethink and overthink. I get sad and I get angry. And then I realise that I should use these reminders as motivators. The universe says I can't have that? Fine then. I'll get something else, just as good or maybe even much better.

Because there's no use moping around, being sad that I didn't get what I felt I needed. Moping will not solve any of my problems. It will not get me to where I want to go. So basically, turn that frown upside down. You attract what you believe in and practice. Essentially, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

There's a line in my social psych textbook that I really like. It says, "To strengthen our convictions, it helps to enact them. In this way, faith and love are alike; if we keep them to ourselves, they shrivel. If we enact and express them, they grow."

Little nuggets if wisdom from psychology textbooks.

I really like that line. It taught me a lot about this uncomfortable dissonance I've been feeling about my faith. I need to make a choice and stick to it. I need to be what I want to be. And that works with everything else too. If I want peace, I have to embody peace, I have to give it and show it. The same goes for love.

So that is what I will try to do.

One last thing, I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from a friend. He said he thought of me when he read this quote from Emilie Autumn's book, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls:

"You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why  you are in so much pain."

That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me, as far as I can remember.

Ergggh.

Just as I was done proof-reading my last post, a few more thoughts popped into my head. Since I haven't been writing and sharing much information here, I decided that I might as well write them out.

Ironically, the first though was that writing really helps me gather my mind. As I've mentioned before, my mind races like a bunch of trains just crisscrossing, jumping from one track to another, changing directions and colour so fast that I sometimes end up just staring into blank space, trying to make sense of it all.

Writing helps me organise my thoughts. It helps me lay it all out and understand. When I write, I think. When I write, I feel better. I feel calmer. It's like I can finally see clearly and I know what my mind is telling me.

So yes, writing helps. Writing is good. NEVER STOP WRITING! When in doubt, write.

The other thing that I thought of was that I'll be turning 22 in a few months. 5 months to be exact! I can't really wrap my head around it. I haven't even gotten used to the idea of being 21. When I was 13, I thought 21 year olds were all mature. I thought they were wise and that they have it together. Boy, was I wrong!

Someone obviously forgot to deliver the manual on how to be 'all that' on my 21st birthday. I feel very much like I did when I was 13. The only difference is that I know a few more things about a few more things and that I can choose what clothes to wear. Everything else feels the same. I'm still terrible at socialising, I'm still stubborn as ever, I still don't know how to pay taxes, and I don't read the newspaper. So you can see why I might be a little edgy about turning 22. At this point in time, age really does feel like just a number. I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm 21. I am legally an adult. I don't feel like I'm 21, though.

Finally, I realised that I've been saying 'Oh my Lord!' a little too much. I'm annoying myself. I say out loud and I say it in my head almost all the time. I don't even know were I picked it up from. And there's this sing-songy tune that goes along with that phrase when I say it. Seriously, it is so annoying. I cringe every time I say it yet I cannot seem to stop saying it. That's cognitive dissonance, right there.

I need a new phrase to over-use.

"Ergggh!" is the main contender at the moment with "No, you don't understand!" coming in a close second.

I think I might go with "Ergggh!" because "No, you don't understand!" implies that no one else can understand what I'm feeling or thinking which is not true. That phrase might end up wearing off a lot faster than the current one. "Ergggh!" it is.

I shall condition myself to the new phrase.

Empathy, bro.

I should be working on my assignment right now but I'm here writing to you instead. I could say that I'm taking a break but let's be honest, I've been on a break for the past 3 hours and right now, I'm extending it. This is my version of procrastination.

I was thinking, you know how I don't really care about what other people may think of me except maybe a handful of people?

Well, I realised that somewhere along the way, I've added more and more people to that list. It's not that I care more about what these specific people think. No. It's just that I've started to worry about how other people may perceive me. I'm letting that get to me.

Now, I know that caring about how people see you is not necessarily a bad thing. I just don't want to be that person. I like being me and not having to live my life according to society's standards. I don't want to have to wake up in the morning and worry about how I look to other people. What I want is to be able to choose to put on eyeliner because I like how it looks.

So that's what I'm going to do. I shall place all anxiety in a box and place it as far away in my mind as possible. I don't want it and I will not let it dictate how I live my life.

Anywho, that assignment I should be working on; it's about counselling. Specifically, questioning skills. I really like the class. It's informative and very helpful not just to aspiring counsellors but to individuals. It makes you really think about how you respond to people, how you listen to them and how you react to them. I never knew that listening behaviour was so important.

Now, every time I'm speaking to someone or listening to a friend, I am acutely aware of my body language and theirs. I try to make sure I convey that I'm listening to them without actually saying, "HEY I'M LISTENING TO YOU". I pay attention to them, their eyes, body language. The greatest bit is that by just paying a little more attention to your conversational partner, you find that you actually have the ability to empathise.

Empathy is immensely important, I think , in any relationship. Being able to relate to a person and what they're going through is the best thing you can do to make them feel loved. You don't even have to provide a solution. Just listen to them, understand their point of view and pay attention.

During practices in class, I realised that being heard makes me feel a whole lot better. Sure, as counsellors, we want to guide people to solutions they already have in their minds. We want to help them grow and develop. We want to help. But as a friend, just a normal friend, you want to listen and empathise. seriously, that is golden in a conversation.

Now, I better get back to writing.

I have a full day tomorrow. I made a to-do list. Here's to hoping I will follow it!

Listen as the Clock Ticks

Even though this class is quite dull sometimes, Counselling Skills is one of the most helpful class I've taken so far in terms of practical applications.

Learning how to listen and empathise. Learning how to distance your personal views and opinions in order to fully comprehend where someone is coming from, their issue from their point of view.

I find myself consciously using these newly learned skills and techniques. I don't know if I'll ever use them in a professional setting but I do believe that this class is very helpful even in real life situations. I'm aware of my body language, my tone, my ability to track the story I'm being told. I make sure to maintain appropriate eye contact.

The downside to this is, however, that I'm suddenly much more aware of other people's body language and tone of voice. I'm becoming critical of how people respond when I'm speaking to them. I know that we all have our own styles in attending to a person but I feel like I can spot when someone is not exactly listening to me. I know when they don't care and when they're distancing themselves. All that kind of sucks.

***

I saw a bunch of my secondary school friends. I forgot how much I like spending time with them. We're a funny bunch of people. And to be honest, most of them grew up really well. Some strapping lads and stunning ladies they turned out to be.

I've never been one for keeping in contact with people. I'm not very good with birthdays and all but I am definitely glad that I still have them around. They make me laugh. We're all so different. Yet we're all the same; united under the same classroom.

***

Finally, I've actually been keeping to my to-o list, lately. I'm on track with my weekly readings and I'm pretty much in control of all my assignments. This is a little bit of a shock to me (which is why it warrants a mention) because I usually just end up with to-do lists scrawled on random bits of paper that I never follow anyway.

I feel organised and on top of things. I'm glad I've been able to do this. Now all I have to do it make sure I keep this up. I don't want to be falling into that deep pit of procrastination again, do I? The answer is, of course, no. 

Countdown:

27 days till Supernatural season 9

73 days till Doctor Who 50th Anniversary

11 days till my first assignment is due

2 days till the ERB assessment.

LISTS ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL!

Awkward Smile and Confused Eyes

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty dejected yesterday and in the past few weeks.

I wrote my feelings out on a piece of paper (typed out on an electronic paper but those are just minor details) and it felt good to get the words out of my head.

This morning, I was feeling a little better. Still gloomy but not terribly so. As the day went by, I laughed a little, on social cues. Then I laughed a little more because people were being funny. And eventually, I started laughing because I wanted to.

My lecturer was funny, my friends were funny, my new friend was funny and even though the sky accurately reflected my morning mood, my heart felt lighter.

I did kinda sink a little before I left uni. I had a good day and the thought of being locked inside my own head again was a little daunting. My heart reflected the sky, just then.

So I got on the bus after a calming hug from Peter. I tried very hard not to scowl. I focused on my  new shoes and kept telling myself to  lighten up. It was a mantra in my head. The bus went along it's merry way, headed towards the LRT station.

Then a guy boarded the bus. He took out a deck of cards and started to shuffle it in like a gazillion different ways. Sometimes he stumbled, sometimes he was so quick. Being the tactless little weasley that I am, I just stared at his hands, shuffling the deck, flipping cards and doing tricks.

He saw me looking and so he said he had way too much free time on his hands. Then I watched him practice a little more. After a minute or so, he asked me to pick a card from the deck. He did a little 'magic' trick where he shuffled the deck and found my card.

I saw the trick though and I told him so (yea Kath, strike at a guys ego before you even introduce yourself. Genius).

Anyways, we started talking a little after that. He's name is Joshua and he's an ADP student. He's been shuffling cards with style for about 6 months and he thinks I look like I'm 18 years old (What's new? When he said that, I just said, "Yea, I know." Perfect, if I wanted to sound arrogant.) I told him I was from Shah Alam and he proceeded to say something in terrible BM (he admitted he was terrible at it ok) and I said I've heard worse (not much worse, to be honest, but one point to me for not damaging his ego even more).

Then we reached the station and went our separate ways.

What I realised the whole time was that I couldn't help myself from smiling this really awkward new person smile (which he had on as well). That's ok. To be expected. But my smile was accompanied by thoroughly confused looking eyes. That's how I greet new people when I'm on my own. I smile awkwardly and look at them like I'm a confused Castiel trying to figure out how to work sarcasm in season 4 (a Supernatural fan might get that reference. If you are not an SPN fan, then it simply means I looked very, very, very confused)

.I should work on my socialising skills.

On another note, the experiment meeting went well, I think. We managed to decide on a few important details. We're making progress and I think we can pull this off. I sure hope that our research is sound. If it's not..... NO. It is sound. We're covering all the bases. EVERYTHING, EVERY BASE SHALL BE COVERED!

I thank God for this good day. I felt him today, in all the joy. Not so much in religion though, just God.

No To Research

It's like there's so much stuff in my head. I can feel it trying to push it's way out. All the words and thoughts and emotions. I can feel it expanding and pushing against my brain, my eyes.

I haven't written anything in a while and I realised that this is what happens when I don't write. I internalise and it kinda hurts my brain. I almost feel as if I'm imploding and exploding at the same time.

Anywhere, here's me releasing some pressure. Let's start with a statement.

I do not like researching.

That's pretty much a bad thing to say at this point of my university education, yes? Yes. It really is.

50% of HELP's Bachelor of Psychology course is centered on research. 50% of my assignments involve research. And I absolutely abhor it. Learning is fun. I love reading my textbooks and looking up the latest finds. What I don't like is pouring over journals trying to find gaps in the research and reading through a million paragraphs talking about significant results.

So I am a little sad about that. I'm only doing it because I have to and I know that's not what good research is built on. I have to want it. I have to like researching. But I don't. So either I learn to like it or I push myself to do it as well as I can.

One thing I've always wanted is learning the proper skills required to be a counsellor. That, however, is going about as bumpy as the road outside my house. The lecturer is doing her best to guide us but so far, I still feel so lost. I think I have to just be a little more patient. I know that practicing helps so I hope that in time, I'll be a more confident about counselling.

Anyways. that's something. My head feels a little lighter now. Back to reading journals for my experiment work. Ergh.

Wandering Wonderer

I am wide awake. Therefore, I've been thinking.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, I want a farm and a Psychology degree. But how do I get there? 2 more years till I get my degree. But what about the farm? How do I get there? What do I do right after my degree?

I have no idea. I do know that I don't want to spend more time studying. I know the importance of getting my masters but I do not want to get into it so soon. No. I've already spent 15 years studying and I have 2 more years ahead of me. I want a break.

But what do I do?

I cannot honestly choose a career path based on what little know? I mean, do I know what being a doctor is or what a therapist has to do?? I want to try things before deciding. I want to work in a vineyeard or a mill. Or both. I want to pick tea leaves and care for victims of war. I want to counsel children and tend to horses. I want to be a clerk and a cook.

I want to try everything I can. I want to discover the world. I want to figure out what interests me. Right now, I have no passion. Nothing really drives me.

That's the problem.

And I have no idea how to fix it.

At the moment, it seems like I'm headed to be coming a nomadic soul-searcher. That doesn't sound too bad, really.

Create

Once again, my brain is working faster than I can type. All these thoughts and emotions are bouncing around in my head at a speed that, I'm sure, is faster than either light or sound.

This coming Wednesday marks the end of my first year at uni. It's pretty exciting. One whole year of studying psychology. It's been great. I've made friends and I've learned so much. To think that I have so much more to learn! Human beings truly are remarkable creatures.

Sometimes, when I remember that I have to write a thesis in my 3rd year, I start to worry. I panic and even consider dropping everything. But then the next day, I go for class and I realise that when the time comes, I'll know what I need to know in order to write an A+ research manuscript. I don't feel so scared after that.

In the mean time, I'm oscillating between being annoying and being annoyed. Sometimes, I'm both. Interesting though humans may be, they're also extremely irritating. I find myself being frustrated by people so often, it's a wonder I don't explode. But then sometimes, I see people and I love talking to them and listening to their stories. To be honest, I prefer listening. I love stories. And I like being around people. They don't even have to speak; just being in the presence of another human being calms me down. And then again, there are moments when people are being people and I just want to be alone.

Anyway, while we're still on the subject of two extremes, I'm torn between being who I am and being who I want to be. I am opinionated, childish, and laid back (too laid back, according to my career counselor). I like who I am. I like being the opinionated, childish young lady who doesn't care about peoples perceptions of her. But then sometimes I feel like I want to be more mature and classy, more accessible, and have something to be passionate about. When I make an effort to be less childish, I feel like I'm living a lie. It's uncomfortable. Yet I want to be mature. That's a pickle if I've ever seen one.

For now, I'm going to keep to who I am and hope that maturity and wisdom comes with age. As for being more accessible; I will work on it on and off, when I feel like it. And passion, I've yet to discover one for myself. Some people have music, some love art, some can talk for hours about biology and politics. Then there's me. I feel very blank. I don't have a passion. Not really. There's not one thing I can talk about in detail, for hours on end (unless you count Harry Potter).

I don't have a clue as to what might interest me. I've never been naturally talented at one thing. My talent, I'd say, is being a quick learner. So I suppose what I need is to find one thing that I love doing and start doing it. But that's the whole problem. I like a lot of things. I like arts and crafts, I like making things with my hands, I like writing (but I know that I lack imagination), I like eating and I like baking. The thing is, I've never been able to just focus on one thing. I prefer doing it all in small amounts.

Also, since I'm more of a learner, I feel a little lost when I bake, paint or write without guidance. Kind of like I'm walking in the dark. I don't like not knowing what to do. So then, I just bake (write and paint) a little, once in a while, without trying too hard because I have no idea if I'm doing it right.

That reminds me of a quote. I cannot remember the exact words but the gist of it is this: once you let go of your fear of making mistakes, then your can create art. What I think it means is that I should not worry about mistakes, mistakes do not exist in art. Art is expression and expression is subjective. There are no mistakes in subjectivity. This reminds me of another quote; stop chasing perfection because it does not exist. I feel that applies to art as well, any kind of art. I just haven't been able to do that.

I suppose the moral is, I should just do what I enjoy without trying to be perfect. I should just create and create till my bones decay. I just need to find the right kind of art.

TARDIS

The moment has arrived! I've been talking about this TARDIS project for a while now and I've probably annoyed the people around me with my relentless ramblings.

Well, it is done!

(and I'm documenting the journey here to live in cyberspace for the rest of forever)

I started out with a rough draft. 

The proportions are off, as you can see

I first planned on making it from scratch. This meant a lot of wood buying, sawing, hammering and sanding. Basically, a lot of work. I was all for it except that my carpentry skills are limited to rookie school projects (for which my grandmother did most of the work on anyway).

Also, I realised that the top part of my TARDIS was a little different that the real one. This called for a little redesigning. I sketched a new TARDIS.

This one has the proportions of a Dalek, but you get the gist.

I ended up with this. Also, I changed my mind about making it from scratch. I decided to pimp a plain cupboard instead. 'Tis cheaper and requires less woodworking.

Mama and I scoured through quite a few furniture stores before I found the perfect cupboard. It's actually a shoe cabinet but the width is just right for this weird diagonal wall that I want to put it up against. It's also tall and has a bunch of shelves. I did remove the original handles, though; they looked too modern. 

As for the top, I managed to convince the father to make it out of plywood. He did all the work and handed it to me in three piece. I glue 'em together with my brother's help.

I asked my father to make the bottom part open-able (that's not the word I'm looking for)

The next step was to find the right paint. Brother and I tried to spray paint the cupboard but it wouldn't stick to the laminated wood. So I got some oil paint instead. I found this blue that looks pretty darn close to TARDIS blue but it turned out to be paler that I expected. Needless to say, I was disappointed. Mama paid RM33 for that can of paint and I didn't want to waste it. I thought of just buying a small can of brighter blue to make this one better, bluer. When I got to the store, though, I found the right blue. The closest to the bluest blue that I'd ever find here and in short notice, so I just had to get it. It's perfect. (I'll use the other can of paint for something else).

Before painting, I had to glue on some wires to the doors to make the square thingys. I know that makes no sense. You see, the TARDIS doors has four big square indents kinda like windows. The top box is a window and the following three are just there. Since I have no idea how to make indents on wood, I used wires to make the outline for the boxes and windows (fake windows, in my case). 

The squares aren't perfectly straight or in line but I like the effect

It gets better now. PAINTING!

The whole thing was painted TARDIS blue (my TARDIS blue). Then I painted the fake windows white. It was a messy affair. Oil paint is sticky and messy. I had blue spots on my legs and my fingers were completely covered in blue paint. I had lots of fun, though. I even painted the inside walls and the shelves as well. This whole affair required 2 whole bottles of thinner to clean up the mess off the floor and my legs and hands.

I think I have some paint on my hair too. Hmm.

I started work on the POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX sign on top while waiting for the shelves to dry. It took me a while to get the words centered but I got there in the end. It looks a little comical because the words look obviously hand painted by someone with unsteady hands but I love it.

The word POLICE is slightly larger that the word BOX

Once everything was painted and dried, I proceeded to put the shelves back in. This was a battle. One of the bottom shelves got a little stuck and kind of scraped off the paint inside. I kept trying to force it in before realising that I should try switching it with another shelf. That worked; but then I had to do some repainting over the damage I had done while trying to force in the shelf.

Now we're getting somewhere:)

At this point, I got my brother to fix new door knobs. I found them in the hardware store nearby. I actually wanted a small, plain knob. The store display had a golden coloured plastic knob that fit my idea. I could just paint it silver or blue, even. However, ass luck would have it, they were out of stock. So I went to another hardwarre store and found these silver knobs that fit really well with the whole look. They would look sleek and modern if they were attached to an overall sleek looking cupboard but since they were on a TARDIS replica, they look pretty old fashioned, which is the look I'm going for. It also adds to the whole animated-ness of the structure. 

Brother's cameo

He loves using the drill. Also, do you see that little bit of wire sticking out on the right? It just refuses to stick! I've attempted to glue it on three times but it stays stubbornly unstuck. I've resolved to letting it hang how it wants to. BE FREE WIRE, BE FREE!

Once the knobs were on, brother crowned the cupboard with it's the top tiers and tada.....!

Don't the knobs look amazing!? (That right there, the "?!" is called a  and interrobang)

BUT WAIT! It's not done yet!

There's still the notice on the door. I found an image on Google, printed it and got it laminated. It says,

Just like the one on the show!

I stuck in on with some double sided tape. Hopefully it stays there.

Tada!

F.Y.I, I was going to post this only when it was completed but I'm having trouble containing my excitement! It is almost done. All I need now is to get something for the light on top of the TARDIS. I want to get a candle holder that looks like an old lantern, maybe paint it blue and place it on top. Once in a while, my TARDIS shall be lit :)

Alas, I have not found my crowning glory. So for now, it shall remain bulb-less. I'll post another picture once I find the lantern.

The outside is perfect. It's all done. It looks comical and animated but I love it. It's the words that give it a slightly wonky feel, I think (and the knobs). You might not be able to tell, but the paint job on this is a little messy in parts. I don't mind it, though. I'd like to imagine that my TARDIS has just got back from a little tussle with a Sontaran fleet.

Moving on, or more accurately, in. I always wanted a chalkboard but wall space is a little problematic since I have a big cupboard on one wall, windows in another and posters everywhere else. Therefore, I decided to paint the inside of the TARDIS doors with chalkboard paint. My very own chalkboard door!

I have not done it, though. That's up next on my TARDIS to-do list, right below the lantern. I thought of painting the insides of both doors but maybe I'll just do one first. If I ever run out of chalkboard space, I'll paint the other.

My TARDIS cupboard; not bigger on the inside but it is beautiful and it is mine. :)

The Impossible Hazy Dream

It is weird. I used to be so confident that I'll be married someday. That I will find my soulmate and we will live a happy and fulfilling life together. I believed so strongly that I will have my own family and that I will live amazing moments with my husband.

Now, however, all I see are impossibilities. I don't see a man in my future. I don't see romance or even a family.

All I see are faded dreams and hazy company. No family. No love. Just dark and light and loneliness. Because I see now how foolish I have been to think, even for a second, that there is actual joy to be had in this world. Not the kind that I pictured, anyway.

The happiness I had imagined was just that, a distorted figment of ny mind. There is no such thing as a happy ending. There is only me. Me and my impossible hazy dreams.

Hannibalism

So, I haven't had the urge to write for a while. Which is why this blog has been a little dead.

What can I say? Hmm. Supernatural is on a break before season 9 starts in October. Sherlock and Doctor Who are on hiatus till November. So I've started watching Hannibal. It's quite entertaining.

The entire show is slowly, in the span of 10 episodes, becoming a horror show. It's got the whole American Psycho feel to it. Hugh Dancy is amazing as Will Graham and Mads Mikkelsen is  incredible as Dr.Hannibal Lecter (though I've noticed that he has something in common with the Eleventh Doctor; aside from being serial murderers, they both lack visible eyebrows).

Anyways, this is what I have been doing with my time. Watching TV. I've also been studying, which is surprising (to me). I have a little more to catch up on with sociology but I'm actually reading out of curiosity. I find the lack of slides or guide a little disconcerting but I suppose I should start figuring things out for myself. After all, life doesn't come with instructions. I'm using the course outline to make sure I read what needs to be read. The textbook is incredibly dry, though. Not even Deadpool's witty sarcasm could cure the completely lack of fun in this textbook.

I have also noticed weirdness but that's a story for another post.

For now, I'm enjoying the twisted insights to a psychopaths mind via Criminal Minds and Hannibal.

I am human, I am human, I am human

Warning: This post is mostly a rant about how socialising sucks.

I thought that as I grew older, it would be easier to deal with other human beings. Man, was I morbidly mistaken.

Why are friendships so hard to maintain? Heck, why are they so hard to start? I know, because the world is filled with people all yearning to be understood but barely anyone is ready to understand.

Why am I irrationally upset? Is this hurt even irrational? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

I have no answer for any of those questions.

All I know is that I'm upset. I hate being treated like I'm such a terrible friend when in fact, I know I'm not. I don't back stab people, I am honest without being hurtful (at least I always try to be) and I even make an effort to remember important dates (I'm terrible with dates. I'm your stereotypical guy). Yet, I get treated like a bag of yucky rotten bananas.

I don't even want to try and fix this because what is the point of investing your feelings when you're only going to end up hurt anyways?

I am not a bad friend.

I am not the best but I am human and so are you. Is this an excuse? HELL YEAH IT IS. It's also a fact.

I think I deserve better than this. I think WE deserve better than this.

All that talk about accepting people for who they are and not forcing them to change to your idea of a good person but rather letting them find their way to change for the betterment of themselves. What a load of bull.

I am pissed (as you can probably gauge from my writing).

I don't like playing social mind games. Just don't. Be up front with me. I can take it. What I cannot take is all these mixed signals, shadow play and misty intentions.

I'm a simple girl. I like my alone time and my small band of friends. Power play is not what I'm after.

God, socialising is a pain in the nether regions.

Dreadful Subjects, Really.

Well, here I am, sitting on my bed with my laptop (his name is Benjamin and I shall refer to him as Benji from now on) trying to study.

In fact, I've been trying to study for the better part of the last 24 hours. I have an exam on Saturday. Two, in fact. Malaysian Studies and Moral Studies. Both are subjects I'd rather not do but I have to as it's compulsory. 

Both are also extremely boring subjects that make me question why these subjects are required in the first place. I mean, ok. I get why Malaysian Studies. I need to know the basics; what this country is founded upon, the current economic policies and budget, the way a government ministry functions and the twenty five different ministries in the Malaysian government. Fine. You want the younger generation to be well informed. But do we really need to have in depth knowledge on the traditional Malay kingdoms? Do we really need to know what a laksamana does? WHY? This information is irrelevant in this century.

And then there's Moral. Full of ethics and morality. Different teachings and theories, views and beliefs. Ways of thinking. Do you really think I'm going to benefit in any way from knowing the basis of the principle of duty. Do i really need to know the difference between deontic and aretaic judgements? Really? Is that something that a person would use in every day life?

I get that you want us to learn and be well rounded individuals. I get it. But teaching, hell, cramming, twenty different principles, theories and formulas of decision making based on morality is not going to help. Not really. Sure, we learnt a little bit of this and that but none of us is really going to employ any of this new found moral knowledge. I don't think I'll ever use the Hedonic Calculus when making any decisions. 

So, tell me again, why are we being tested on this? 

Oh that's right. This is what it all boils down to. 

A grade. A CGPA. 

In which case, I'm not doing too well. I don't know what my current status is with Malaysian studies but if I had to guess, I'd say I'm passing by a hair. As for Moral, I know for sure I'm only passing by a hair. If I get less than half for my final paper, then I'm done for. I'll need to resit subject. Not a happy thought. 

However, I know this is all my fault. I should've put more effort into it. Read more for Malaysian studies. Focused more on Moral. I was never one for keeping up with current affairs. I suppose this is my lesson. 

Ergh. 

Only Benjamin can save me now. I have notes to read. I can deal with Moral. The notes are quite helpful. In depth stuff. But Malaysian studies will be hell. I have a rough guide, rough notes. I just hope that they're enough to help me score a pass.

Funny, isn't it? How a mere pass was almost an abomonation when in primary school but as you get older, a pass is acceptable, desirable even. Is it because the subjects are tougher or is it because we stop trying so hard?

Conscious Appraisals

I've been thinking (never a good sign, hmm) and I realised that I know where I want to be in the future. As in, I know what I want to be doing, the kind of person I want to be. However, I have no idea how I'm going to get there. The in-between, the journey... it's unknown to me. I have no clue and that scares me a little.

The fear of the unknown.

Someone asked me today if I was scared of anything and I suppose this is my biggest fear. Not knowing. Going in blind.

Also, I was thinking about character building. About how people choose to behave. The traits they choose to have or ones that occur naturally.

I suppose most of us do it unconsciously  We observe people and events in the world. Our experiences shape us. They shape our behaviour and how we react to anything. Either through Classical Conditioning, Operant Conditioning or Observational Learning, we develop traits.

But sometimes, we consciously learn. When we choose to break a habit, we do it consciously. We tell ourselves to do, or not do, something. We make an effort to shape who we are and what we may become.

My question is, how many of us actually do that?

I've learnt by now, that people do not behave in ways we think they might. People always surprise us. Often times, we think that we're the only ones who are weird. We may be the only person, save perhaps a handful of others, who eat apples with peanut butter. However, sooner or later, we find out that the apple-with-peanut-butter eating population is not a small one. There are other people out there in this world, in this huge world, who are just as weird as we are.

That doesn't make us any less special. No. But it also means that humans are not as different from each other as we like to believe. We share common traits. With more than 7 billion people on Earth, you'd be hard put to find one person who has a trait or habit that is unique to them.

Anyway, back to the point. Do we consciously shape our behaviour? I suppose more people do it than what I might originally think.

I know I do. When someone says something to me or if I read a line from a book, something that touches me or hits me profoundly, I tend to take it to heart. Suddenly, I find myself consciously changing. For example, I used to have a really short temper. I was always being teased and I never had any patience for it. I would sulk and get really upset. I'd say things and lose my temper quite a lot. Till one day, my mother told me that I shouldn't take everything to heart. That kids are just playing around and they mean nothing by it so I should not get so angry.

As soon as I heard her say those words, I felt my entire mind just shift. I decided that what my mother said was true and I should not lose my temper. From that day on, I consciously worked on it. Every time I was close to losing my temper, I'd tell myself, "Be calm. Patience. Brush it off."

And I think it worked. I have (or I'd like to believe that I have) my temper in check now (with the exception of my brother; he just hits the right nerve every single time). I don't get touchy when people tease me and I've learnt patience.

Currently, I'm working on "I'm sorry". A friend of mine pointed out that I don't actually sound sorry when I say it. For example, when I tell them that I can't join them for a movie and I apologise, she says that I don't really sound sorry. She feels like it's just something I say, like an automated response.

So, taking it to heart, I decided to change. I say sorry only when I really am sorry or if I can make sure I sound sorry. And when I am sorry, but cannot be sure that other's see my sincerity, then I do not apologise . For smaller things, like declining a movie invite, I don't say sorry because even though I am sorry, it's not grave enough for me to actually sound sorry.

Does that make any sense? No? Well, that's what I thought.

Why should I not apologise just because it doesn't sound like I'm sorry even though I actually am? My face is, when I'm completely focused, disconnected to the emotional center of my brain so my emotions don't show on my face. Which means that even though I truly am sorry for something, I may not actually look the part. But that should not discount or devalue the weight or truth of my apology.

I think it's unfair for anyone to tell me that I don't sound sorry enough.

So now, I have to tell my brain to readjust and stop trying to fix what is not broken. I shall apologise even though I run the risk of not sounding sincere enough. I took those words to heart and I've started to consciously alter my behaviour but now I feel really silly for even doing it in the first place. Now, I have to stop the process.

It's quite confusing.

Sorry for the chaos.

To end this, here's a quote from Doctor Who, The Rings of Akhaten (Series 7, Episode 8) about uniqueness [on a side note, I think this is a beautiful thing to say to someone who might not think they are worth anything]:

All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Galel. And there will never be another. Getting rid of that existence isn't a sacrifice, it's a waste!

Learning

I learnt an important lesson this week. Emotional support. I'm a problem fixer. When someone is upset or whatever, my first thought will be, "How can I fix this? How can I make you not feel sad or upset?".

But I know now that it's not always about 'fixing' a problem. Most of the time when people share their problems and worries with you, it is not to because they want you to present them with a solution. What they usually want is to know that you care. It's knowing that you care about how they're feeling and that you are there for them and that you love them.

At the end of our last Social Psychology lecture, Dr.Chua showed us a video of a couple getting therapy. The husband said something very important. He revealed that he now understands that what his wife wanted from him all along, that is emotional support. When she was upset, he'd shut down because he didn't know how to respond to her. But now he understands that all she ever wanted was for him to be emotionally engaged. She wanted him to know what she's feeling and be her shoulder to cry on.

Funnily enough, I thought I understood this after watching the video and maybe I did, but I didn't realise I was doing exactly what the husband did until later. A friend pointed it out. And suddenly, I got it. It's about being there for someone and saying, "Yes, I understand what you are telling me and I am here for you to lean on."

I hope I always remember this.

Moving on, I read this (though perhaps not in so many words) somewhere: "We can get up right now and choose to walk away or change something in our life and there is nothing to stop us yet most us don't"

This got me thinking, maybe it's because we're scared of change. Maybe we feel powerless?

But really, we're not. Far from it. We can change anything we want about our life. All we have to do is start. All we have to do is take one step.

I think most of us are so comfortable with the familiar that we don't try to change anything even if it's bad. It's a sad cycle that I think we need to stop. We have to work very hard at learning that we are in control of our lives and we can be different. We can do what we want and achieve almost any goal. The sooner we learn this, the sooner our children will know that they too are empowered.

The only limits in life are the ones you  make

Music for Numbskulls

Warning: contains strong language.

As a Malaysian, I am utterly and unequivocally infuriated at these ignorant imbeciles. What to they think they’re doing supporting a musical that bashes the LGBT community? I mean come on, how stupid can you be?? And you plan on stuffing these beliefs down the throat of every student in the country?

You bash the LGBTs because you don’t understand them. They ‘go against your beliefs’, you say. You think they’re disgusting and you honestly believe that every LGBT “throws loud parties, takes drugs and has casual sex”? Man, you have gone way past dumb and entered the realm of complete absurdity.

A person’s sexual orientation does not dictate whether or not they’re good people. A homosexual and heterosexual are equally as likely to  “throw loud parties, take drugs and have casual sex”. It’s got nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with your personal morals and principles. 

For the first time in my life, I am going to say that I am appalled and embarrassed at my fellow countrymen. They are staining my beautiful home with their dimwitted nonsense and I want nothing more than to stick every single person involved with this “musical” into a correctional facility. Though I do not hold much hope; some of them are just too far gone.

God bless Malaysia.

p.s: I am also very much annoyed at the fact that they’re using something as beautiful and precious as a musical to spread this disease.

p.p.s: I've had it with LGBTs who poke a stick at straight people who are supportive of them. We don’t support you to show that we’re not homophobic. We do it because we support human rights and we want you to have everything we do. We support the eradication of crippling stigma towards the LGBT community and marriage is just one part of it. So kindly remove that stick from up your behind.

End song.

Being Small and Happy

I was just thinking about this a few days ago. I said before that I don't want to be big. I want a simple life, on a farm. I'm not interested in being a well known PhD holder, world shaker type of person. What I want is a farm, a family and art. I want a simple life and I want to enjoy the simple things in that simple life.

I've been told that I'm special and this 'simplicity' is a waste. I'm bright and smart and kind and I should do all I can to be big and change the world (the world needs a lot of changing, I agree). Sometimes, I believe that. Sometimes I think, "Yeah, I should be big. I should work hard, expand my network and tackle real issues. Be the change." But then I realise that this is not what I want. Yes, the world needs fixing, and yes, I can help fix it, but I'm not interested in being some first class doctor or expert. I do not want to be an ambassador of some cause or the other. Those are all noble deeds but I don't want to be the person to do it.

I'm not one for ambition. I don't have anything against people with big dreams, you go get 'em. But I don't dream big. Not in the same stereotypical way, that is. My big dreams consist of a family, cows and chicken, an art studio/art therapy center, a big garden and a carpentry business on the side. This is what I yearn out of life. This is my goal. My main objective.

Now, this does not mean that I'm just going to sit by and watch the world spiral into a massive state of disrepair. No. What I'm going to do is fix it, one step at a time, in my own little way. I want to start an art therapy center. This method will not fix huge chunks of the world but it's a small start.

This is what I want. This is what I will have for myself. No big press releases, no big titles, no huge fan bases or giant houses. Just little ol' me in my little ol' round farm house running my little ol' art therapy center. All the while, doing carpentry on the side. :D

I think I can still be small and happy. Hey, I know I can be small and happy.

And I will be.

Unfocusedness

I've left for quite a while again. 

Honestly, I have not been motivated enough to write anything even though I usually have a million different thoughts running through my mind on any given day. It seems that whenever I try to write a new post about anything, anything at all, I draw up a blank.

I didn't know why. I was baffled. I thought perhaps my mind was tired or that I was focused on my assignments. But no. That's not it. The reason I have not been blogging much is because I am unable to keep my focus.

It keeps running away from me. My focus. I cannot seem to pay attention for one thing for too long. And by "too long" I mean anything more than 2 minutes (even that's a struggle sometimes). I find my thoughts drifting off every few minutes. I think about nothing at all. Sometimes I think about everything at once.

If I wrote out my thoughts during these moments, I wouldn't be able to find the right words because my brain works so much faster than my fingers can type. My brain thinks in abstract views and everything is somehow related. It's like watching 14 television screens at the same time, each screen showing a different thing. Yet, I understand everything (that's obvious though because it's my thoughts after all, no?)

Anyhow, here I am. I told myself to make sure I post something, anything. I feel like my writing skills are getting a little rusty. Also, my reading habits have been abysmal lately as well. It's taking me more than a week to read one relatively skinny novel. I'm ashamed of myself. Nothing has really captured my attention, you know? I've tried reading so-called interesting books but I've had no luck yet. 

Meh.

OH! I've been reading statistics stuff for the last hour. Or at least trying too. First up, stats is not easy. I understand when I read but the application part is stumping me. We have to run a Pearson's r test using SPSS for our assignment and to be honest, I'm completely lost. I know how to run the test but analysing it is a whole different ball game. I see numbers. I do not know what to do with the numbers but there sure are a lot of it. I'm going to keep trying. The tutorial this Monday is supposed to be on Pearson's r so I hope it helps. 

One other thing before I leave. DOCTOR WHO!:
1. A sonic screwdriver and a poster of "Van Gogh's" Exploding TARDIS is on it's way here as I type this. I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

2. The new episode will be out in 15 days!

3. I am building a TARDIS Bookshelf of my own. I shall keep you posted on the progress. So far, I've sketched the design. My dad and I are still debating on whether to make it form scratch or modify a bookcase. We'll see how it goes.

Allon-sy folks!

Cheese and Rice

How do I even function.

Voglio Roma

I haven't been on in almost a month. To be honest, I've been quite lazy about blogging.

Nothing much has been hapenning. Just school and stuff. This new semester is pretty ok. Very light in terms of assignments but I should really start studying :P Malaysian Studies and Moral studies aren't exactly interesting so there's a fair amount of effort required here. Still, I'm not too worried.

My birthday is this week. Plans are underway for a Very Harry Party :) We have jelly beans and owls, signs and table cloths. I cannot wait!!

Anyways, I've been missing Rome lately. I have this urge to just flee to Rome. I want to be in the city. Yes, it's packed to the brim with people (local and tourists) but I miss the fountains, the cobbled streets, the history, the air, and the Vatican.

I really just want to go back there. Live there, even. I want to stay in a small apartment, get myself a bicycle to go around and work some minimum wage job. I can go to work in the morning then spend my evenings roaming the streets, spending time from fountain to fountain. Reading up on their history and every night, I'll go to St. Peter's Basilica to watch the stars. I'll save up so that I can take a train every 2 months or so to some country side town for fun. Perhaps visit Tuscany. Or even Milan, for a change of city scenery.

I want Rome. I want the Vatican. I want to be there. I miss it so much.

Speaking of The Vatican, the Pope just announced that he's going to resign. He's citing ill health. This is quite shocking. Pope Benedict XVI is the first Pope in over 600 years to resign. He is also the 265th Pope and the first German Pope. Anyways, he officially steps down on the 28th of February.

This will be one for the history books.

Tagging

Peter, Davina and I signed up for a Graffiti Class at Crib KL. I really wanted to go because I've always like graffiti. It's an art form that I really love looking at and can't help but admire the amount of talent and work that goes into each piece. So, this was a perfect opportunity to learn something about graffiti.

The two people we had teaching us was Ian and Mun (Ian a.k.a Turf and Mun a.k.a Kos [as in K-OS: as in Chaos]).

Anyways, they were both really nice and they taught us a lot about the history of graffiti. It's relatively new, starting back in the 1960's. It started off in the US and soon expanded to all over the world. One really great  artist I've heard of is Banksy. He's done some really thought provoking stuff.

Anyways, they got us to start off by coming up with our own tag. Basically, it's a name/signature. For example, Mun's tag would be "Kos". So when paints, he'd tag his stuff with that, basically signing his piece. We had to first pick a name and then start off by writing it down. Then, we were suppose to develop it. Play around with the words, stretch them, tweak them, add stuff to them, and do whatever else to make them look unique. The best part is that your tag doesn't have to be legible to anyone but yourself.

Of course, Pete was in his element. All this sketching and creativity with a pencil thing. Dav and I were like fish out of water. We both started off just writing our names on the paper (because what else could we do, right!?). After a while, with Mun giving a few tips here and there, we both came up with tags that we were happy with:)

For the next part, they divided us into 4 groups and asked us to design a piece for Crib KL. They wanted us to come up with a piece for the word CRIB. We sat outside, in the garden; each of us working on one alphabet. My group wasn't too bad. Our words looked really good on their own but when it was put together, they still looked good but didn't necessarily flow well together. But still ok la.

Mun then showed us how to use the spray cans. He taught us about shadowing and outlining. Filling it and flaring. It was very exciting. After Mun was done teaching, we proceeded to paint our design onto their walls. It was really fun. Davina's group had this triangular house thing going on and Pete's group was inspired by PacMan. The other group was really good too. I think theirs looked like a really graffiti piece compared to all the others.

Davina's group (left) and Pete's group. And next to Pete's group, Peter proceeded to add his tag (the one in purple)

The really nice one (left) and my group. Mun did the 'Q' when he was teaching us. Also, if you look closely, you can see my tag in between my group's piece and Mun's Q, just above the tiny arch.

Anyways, I did the R. I think it looks really ugly but I am proud of it. I'm sure you can see that my groups piece is the worst. No flow, messy and no real idea. And I still like it!

I had tonnes of fun. It's pretty difficult to create art and even more so to do it on walls. My respect and awe for graffiti artists only deepened with this class.

Ok. Done :)
I'm gonna leave you with this piece right here. I have no idea who did it but I think it looks amazing. I can't even draw a face this well with a pencil but these folks can do it with spray cans. Respect.

If you want to go for something like this, check out the CultureRun website. They have tonnes of other classes and workshops you can go for. It's perfect.

People Are Not My Thing

The new DW episode will be out on the 30th of March! 

Ok, now that's out of the way, I can move on to other things. 

I wanted to talk about this semester. I realised that this semester is lighter compared to the last one in terms of the numbers of days I have to go to uni. This semester, I only have 3 days of class which is pretty good because I get a lot more time to work on my assignments. The bad side of it is that I have too much time which leads to a severe lack of motivation.

I have assignments and I am working on it much earlier that I used to but because I have so much free time, I don't feel the pressure to complete said assignments. On top of that, I have way more group assignments this semester (4 in total) which isn't good for motivation either. Every time there's a decision to be made or an adjustment to the project, we need to consult the entire group. That's can be a pain in the rear seeing as the group consists of 5-10 members. I'm sure you would agree that getting 10 university students to agree on something or even meet up for a discussion is about as easy as retrieving the golden egg from a nesting dragon, meaning, not very easy at all.

For one project, we're supposed to design and conduct a non-experimental research project and write out individual lab reports. That's one. Another project requires us to come up with a presentation about the topic of the week (our topic is on alcoholism. Which reminds me, I have yet to download the slides. I'd better do that now). Those projects are done in groups of 5. Now, in groups of 10, we're supposed to experience something 'Malaysian' and report it. For the other, we have to organised some sort of community project thing (like a fund raiser, or exhibition) and then write a report about it. So you see, this calls for some serious commitment from every one.

So far, we've only started the research project and even that is proving to be a pain. We started off ok, coming up with a research idea. However, we've hit a metaphorical bump in the road and we need to redesign out research idea. This is not going to well. We've having a little trouble finding time to meet and our brainstorming sessions via whatsapp is not going very well. 

I really like my group mates but we're not doing to good. We really need to step it up because our assessment date is coming up and we've yet to come up with a plausible research idea. We need to get cracking lest we fail this assignment which would lead to us failing the entire subject. And that's not a good thing because if we fail this particular subject, we have to spend the next semester doing nothing but resitting this subject. I do not want that. 

I hope we manage this. Soon.

Anyways, I know I sound really whiny right now and that I should embrace these assignments and learn to work with groups. I know. And I will try my best because I do think it's important. However, I do think that the 'working with people' part is not what's bothering me so much. It's the 10 people in a group that's got me irked. I can deal with small groups. But 10? Now that's just too many. It's not going to be easy. 

I guess this is a good time to increase my patience level. 

Grr.

Night folks, have a good week! 

The Silence (not the ones from DW)

If you spent the entire day at home alone, hearing nothing but the sound of the fan turning and cars passing by outside - not a peep escaping your lips, not a shimmer nor a sound from another human being; not even another living thing - how would that affect you?

This is how it affects me:

I feel pressed by the silence at times. It's like air that just keeps getting denser and denser, pushing against my eardrums, against my chest till I can't seem to make a sound myself. And if I do manage it, the sound is usually alien to me. Out of space, out of time. Neither here nor there.

I realise that when I spend the day home alone, my internal volume goes up a few notches. The voices in my head, the music in my head and the white noise in my head becomes so much louder than anything else. Sometimes, I get so used to my internal sound that I forget how silent my day really is. I don't need to turn the radio on because I already have music in my head. I don't know what music it is but I know it's there. I cannot make it out yet I know it's there.

In moments such as these, silence is not really silence.

When I'm suddenly yanked back into reality, when external sounds start cropping up around me - external voices, external music, external white noise - I feel assaulted. These sounds pound on my ear drums. I cringe at the volume, no matter how soft it is because external sounds are so much louder than my internal volume can ever be. I get so annoyed and irked by these external sounds.

I mean, yes, I am happy to hear sounds of the real world, but after such a long day in silence, noise can be quite stressful (even if I did kind of hate the silence). It's like I've grown used to the silence, much like when you get used to having cracked lips - it hurts but you know, after some time, to avoid spicy food. You live around this. In that way, I live around silence; until noise becomes the thing that irks me.

That's what silence is when I'm alone.

On another note, I'm currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love". I think it's a beautiful book. I've learned a lot from it. No, not every lesson the author learnt applies to me, but some things do. My favourite so far, is this: Live in the present. I think that's what we've all lost. The ability to live in the present. Sometimes, I think the human race has lost this ability so long ago that babies are now born without it. They don't lose it, they just never had it to begin with.

We're constantly planning ahead, working today for money tomorrow. Our thoughts are basically, 'Oh, one day, I'm gonna be/do _____. One day...." either that or we're dwelling on the past. "Ergh, last night was terrible," "I wish I had done that differently...." You get the picture.

That's really all we ever do. We relive the past and dream of the future. What about today? What about here and now? What about the present? Do we really want to spend our present dwelling on "what if's"?

What we all need to remember is how to live in the present. We need to live today for today and enjoy the moments in the present. What we need to recapture is the ability to worry about "tomorrow" only when "tomorrow" becomes "today". I really believe that if we put our entire soul into living each day in the present, then the future will sort itself out.

Scary, isn't it, this whole concept of 'not worrying about the future'? It is to me, but I think it's necessary. If we want to really be at peace, we should be at peace with our present because the past cannot be changed and the future has yet to happen, so what is there to worry about.

Anyways, this is me today. Just thinking. Always thinking :)

I want to end with this. I found this video that demonstrates to you what schizophrenic people hear when they have auditory hallucinations. This is based on real life accounts. I have to warn you, it's not for the faint hearted. This is very creepy and I cannot even begin to comprehend how they live like this. I stopped after 18 seconds (the entire thing is 3 minutes and 38 seconds long), literally yanking out the headphone and hitting the mute button. But I hope you try, even just for a bit. I am very glad that my inner voices sound nothing like this.

Take care.