Christmassy

Hello!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

I hope y'all had a good Christmas day. I know I had a good time. Presents this year were great. I have a new phone which is awesome! It's really cool and I love it! It actually matched my Christmas dress:) Anyways, now it needs a name. I can't think of any yet but I'm sure it'll come to me.

Also, mum got my brother a remote control helicopter (that big baby) and he loves it so yay! :)

Little brother got a bunch of stuff again this year. I swear, we're spoiling him. But hey, he's 3 and completely adorable so it's all good. We got them matching superman t-shirts:)

Anyways, we went to Melaka. The entire family, extended and dysfunctional. We stayed at one of the villas in Kota A Famosa. It was huge and it has a pool! We had lots of fun.

On the first day, we went to the safari and later at night, we went to 'Cowboy Town'. The safari was not too bad. The truck ride was very bumpy and the trucks were spewing pollution all over the place, those poor animals. But other wise, it was ok. the Wild West Show was not family friendly and not something I enjoyed but oh well.

Cowboy Town, on the other hand, was much better. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant (in Cowboy Town, how weird is that) and then played a bunch of fun fair games. We won a medium sized prize worth 1500 points!

The next day, we went to the water park. Dillon had fun in the wave pool while we, (bro, Krissie and I) enjoyed the slides. We managed to convince Dillon to come with us on the Family Raft slide with aunty and he did but he was really scared (he's scared of everything, even flies!). He cried a bit after the slide but he then enjoyed watching other people slide down.

Once we got back to the villa, Krissie and I played pool tennis for a couple more hours. We both ended up sun burnt, Krissie got it worse than me. Black licorice and red licorice, brother calls us :)

At night, we went for dinner at a fancy Thai restaurant. The food was delicious and it was reasonably priced too. And mama wore her new dress!!

So, that's about it for Melaka. I'm still really tired. I think I need a holiday to recover from this holiday. Grr.

:)

A Week of Thursdays

Howdy folks!

It's been very Christmassy here at home. I've been baking cookies and wrapping tons of presents. 'Tis the season!

I have, this week alone, baked 2 different kinds of cookie, made a chocolate tart and wrapped approximately 22 presents. I feel accomplished:) I still have 2 more batches of cookies to make and a couple more presents to complete. But hey, Christmas is still 3 days away.

OMGLOB!

I JUST REALISED THAT CHRISTMAS IS THREE DAYS AWAY!

THREE DAYS!

THREE!

AHHHH!!! :)

Ok. I have calmed down.

I am really excited about this Christmas. I'm actually baking more than one cookie. I usually just make one batch of butterscotch melts and mum buys the rest. But this year, we're not getting any from outside so it's up to me to make sure that the coffee table is stocked with cookies!

Which is why I have made 2 different types of cookies so far. The usual butterscotch melts and chocolate meringue cookies. I still have to make the peanut cookies and coffee snow melts. So, yes, this Christmas is definitely special.

The other thing that makes this year special, at least for me, is that I've actually managed to get presents for everyone on my list. It has worked out beautifully. :) I made an effort and it paid off! I still have a couple more gifts to get but it is considered done.

So, good Christmas:)

Have I mentioned how excited I am?

I think I have.

Anyways, I want to watch Supernatural but I have them on DVDs and my laptop doesn't have a CD player therefore I can only watch it on TV. And that can only happen when I have control over the TV. In this house, I rank the lowest on the remote control controller list. So, not much hope. But 'tis ok because I have till 7th of January. :)

One more thing. Back when I still had classes, I had Thursdays off. And right now, this whole week just feels like one long Thursday. Everyday is Thursday!

Till we meet again.
Allons-y!

Focused on Focusing

Have you ever read something you wrote when you were so full of emotions in the past and just cringed? Either because it was a bad piece of writing or you were over reacting or maybe you just can't believe you could have ever felt that way.

It's weird isn't it?

I was reading something I wrote a few weeks back and I can't believe I wrote what I did. The things I said and the emotions I was feeling; it was all so intense and I never thought I'd say those things. I never want to again, either.

I guess sometimes you have to get it out of your system. All those feelings and emotions that aren't necessarily what you feel all the time. Not who you are always, just in the moment. Not a good moment, either. Which is why I love writing. Because I can write and write and make sure I mean what I say. I can make sure I keep these moments of un-me-ness away from people.

Some would say that's not a good idea and that we should be who we are, in good moments and bad, and I agree. But I think moments like these are better left in the closet. Because it's not you. And words can cause a lot of hurt. So sometimes, it's better not to let the world into your head.

Just a thought.

Anyways, I have lots to watch this next few weeks before the semester starts. I'm finally at series 7 of Doctor Who, which is super. I'm also going to start on season 1 of Supernatural. AND, I have a few movies to watch too. So, entertainment, check.

OH! I'm also in the middle of 3 novels right now. One of the dark hunter books by Sherrilyn Kenyon, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen and The Hobbit. Lots to focus on :)

It's going to be a fantastical Christmas.

The Next Step

Hi there, cyberworld.

I hope you've been fine.

I have an exam tomorrow. To be honest, it's the one I'm most worried about. I did okay in the assignments for this subject (tiny bit above average). Definitely enough to pass with credit (hopefully) but I'm worried about the exam. The essay section is daunting. Hmm.

I have stuff mind mapped, though. This is helping me more that I thought it would. I read a chapter and highlight important details. After that, I mind map the entire chapter. Then I read the mind maps as a refresher. It's good. My mind mapping skills are abysmal because I use lots of words and no pictures at all but it does work for me, so I'm happy.

Anyways, I realised today that talking really helps. I mean, I've always known this but I guess I forgot. After talking to Pete today, I remembered and I feel a lot better. Less.. heavy. Y'know? I think having a sounding board - someone other than yourself to talk to, a different perspective - really helps. It's like the fog is cleared away a little more and I know what needs to be done. I have no idea where I'm going still but I know what the next step is and really, that's all you need, isn't it? The next step.

So I know my next step and I shall move forward with it.

For now, though, it's Christmas. I have a list of gifts to get and I shall get them all this year. I don't know what kind of Christmas it's going to be this year but I'm pretty sure it'll be memorable.

Which reminds me, I have to read that chapter on memory now. Happy Christmas, y'all! :)

Study Week

Ahh!

I tried mind mapping for 113. It does help but it also makes the entire subject look so skeletal and incomplete. So, it's weird.

And there's an essay  for the exam too, which is freaking me out. I mean, sure, I can write but I don't think I'll be able to cite anything and that worries me. How do you write an academic paper without references? So, that's going to be though.

Grr.

Also, studying alone is not at all very motivational. I feel like I'm forcing myself to study and it's not what I like to do. Forcing myself to study, I mean. I want to study because I want to, you know? As opposed to studying because I'm forced to. It's just no fun at all.

Ergh.

The Christmas tree is up though. So that's good.

Oh, I think I'm sabotaging myself. I'll tell you more once I'm done reading about it in 113. 

Till then. Adieu.
I has reading to do!

Dancing Like The Doctor

Last time I was here, it was November!

So, days have been ok. The sketchy week kinda dragged on for a while but I think it's almost over now. Day's aren't sketchy anymore but I can't guarantee that they're free from spasms of emotional turmoil. Still, pretty good.

I'm now on series 6 of Doctor Who. I like Eleven. I was reluctant to start series 5 because Ten was just perfect in so many ways and I didn't want to be disappointed by Eleven. I mean, what if he was less awesome?? Also, I've read some stuff online about people not being very happy about the kind of Doctor Eleven is and the series in general. So, I was worried.

But I soldiered on and I'm glad I did!

Yes, personally, I think series 5 started a little slow on the emotional upheavals but Eleven is adorable. He's got his own style and he's quirky in ways that Ten never was. Also, he's changed a bit in the general character. The Doctor has always been a no weapons kinda Time Lord. No guns, no violence. Always try and save everyone.

It's different with Eleven . Yes, he doesn't use guns but he's ok with other people using it and he doesn't try as hard to save everyone. However, I don't think this is bad characterisation. I think it's more like the Doctor has evolved. He's been through so much and this is who he is now.

Also, I really like Eleven's inherent weirdness. He's a big 5 year old. Arrogant too but he's earned the right to be. Eleven is twitchy and restless and awkward. It's fun to watch! Matt Smith is doing really well, I think:)

Phew. That's a lot of Doctor Who. Anyways, the series picked up and the emotional upheavals have arrived.  The Van Gogh episode was killer. It really was. I can't wait to finish series 6 so I can move on to the current season :)

Anyways, school has been good. This is the last week of classes for the semester. Which means, exams are next! Fourteen weeks of lectures and it all comes down to 4 days of exams. Oh well. I'm not to worried. I have a plan of action:)

What matters right now is the book sale tomorrow! BIGBADWOLF! ROSE! (That's a Doctor Who reference. Don't mind me:))

So yea, book heaven tomorrow! EHHHE:)

OH! I showed my brother all the sonic screwdrivers online. I want! Ten's, Eleven's, River's (the one Doctor gave her in the future), and the Master's laser screwdriver. I shall collect them! (Which reminds me, Davina has small Dalek thingys!!! AHHH! EXTERMINAAAATE!)

Finally, I'm very excited about this Simple Plan secret santa thing I joined. My secret santa sent me an anonymous message saying that my gift has been delivered! AHH! I can't wait to see it!

AND, I'm going to mail a gift to the one I'm secret santa-ing soon! Just need to get stuff together! This is exciting!

Ok. Food awaits. I'll try not to keep this page un-updated for long ok. Cross my heart.

Here, have this gif of Eleven dancing:

I shall employ this dance move the next time I dance

Sketchy Week

It's been one hell of a week, to say the least.
My emotions were yanked every possible way and I actually went for 3 days without watching Doctor Who.

The only consolation is that this week is almost over. Almost being the operative word. One more day left. And then I start all over again

The week started off ok, just like any other week. I had an assignment due on Wednesday but to be honest, that was the least stressful part of my week. I was typing a lot but ok. Assignment? Meh. I managed just fine.

Emotions, on the other hand.

Things were going wrong left, right and center. Mostly right and center.

I also learnt that my skills of deduction are pretty limited. Really, I'm terrible at deducing. And I also think I'm like an open book. I thought I was pretty good at not showing emotions when I don't want to but apparently not. Well, that's something to work on.

Also, my typing has gone haywire. In this post alone I found a dozen mistakes.

On another note, sometimes I wish. I just wish. I day dream a lot because it's better than reality. Don't you think so?

Anyways, I want to live in a lighthouse. Also, I want a farm. So, that would be a lighthouse (near the ocean, of course) with a farm. I can picture it clearly in my head. I'd like to live in that place one day. Retire there.

Mhm. Ok, that's all for now.
Sorry if this post seems a little sketchy. I hope you had a better week than me. Honestly, I can't wait to get back to class on Monday. I'm dreading the holidays la. Grr.

The Family Of Blood, The Fury of the Time Lord.

So, I'm nearing the end of series 3 now. Of Doctor Who.
Tenth Doctor. Martha Jones.

To be honest, I miss Nine and and I really miss Rose. Nine was fantastic. His reactions, his character. Just fantastic. And then there's the relationship with Rose. Just love. Complete love.

And Ten, his love for Rose is just as great. I mean, technically speaking, it's the same person. Realistically speaking, different people. The relationship they had, man, was it intense. I loved it. And I miss her. And I like the fact that he still remembers her. She definitely had an impact on him.

And Martha. She's really just a travelling buddy to him. He cares about her, for sure, but I don't think he loves her. Not the way he loves Rose. On the other hand, he actually sat down and told her his story. The entire story. Because she asked, well, staged a sit in actually. That's what I like about Martha. She's strong and she never gives up.

But David Tennant, though. He's brilliant. Seriously. He's just so intense. He's witty and sarcastic and quirky. I like how he starts speaking really fast when he's on the verge of a breakthrough. And the anger you can see in his eyes when someone threatens an innocent life. Nine was like that. So is Ten. It's the love. When innocent people people are threatened, he's angry. But when Rose is threatened, nothing can stop him. Nothing.

It's the same with Martha but slightly different somehow.

Anyways, I love the scene when Cassandra takes over Ten's body. David Tennant plays sassy very well. And when Donna suddenly appears in the TARDIS. His face is priceless! AND, AND, the Family of Blood episode.

That one is my favourite so far. The Doctor becomes human, hiding the Time Lord part of himself in a watch because he's being hunted. They (as in him and Martha) need to lay low for 3 months because that's when the Family of Blood will die.

Being human. John Smith. A teacher. And he falls in love. With a nurse. Who is not Martha!

And he's so scared. Just terrified when people are telling him what he has to do. That he has to open the watch and become the Doctor again. He's just terrified. Because he's only human. He has no idea that he's actually a Time Lord. It's the stuff of nightmares to him. Also, he'll have to leave his love.

“I’m John Smith! That’s all I want to be, with his life and his job…and his love. Isn’t that enough?”

John Smith knows that the Doctor cannot settle down. He's a Time Lord. It's a luxury they don't have.

David Tennant though. Seeing him be so normal. falling in love. Being nervous around a lady. Blushing. It's just...

And when he's scared. I can feel the pain.

Martha tries to explain that he told her what to do. To look after him. Keep him safe. But he never told her what to do if he fell in love. And John Smith's reaction to that:

See the pain! Ergh!

So yes, I take my hat of to David Tennant.

Sometimes we just forget how quirky the Doctor actually is. But now we see it. The human part of him. AND let me tell you, this brought me to tears. Seriously.

It's sad though. Because it's true. The Doc never made an allowance for love because he never expected it. That's sad.

Ok. Yes, that's my rant about this episode. Can't wait to watch the next one.

I really love how David Tennant characterises the Doctor. Ad the fury of the Time Lords! That part was terrifying, if you were part of the Family of Blood. That part just proves how powerful Time Lords actually are.

"He never raised his voice, that was the worst thing. The fury of the Time Lord. And then we discovered why. Why this doctor who had fought with gods and demons. Why he had run away from us and hidden. He was being kind. He wrapped my father in unbreakable chains, forged in the heart of a dwarf star. He tricked my mother into the event horizon of a collapsing galaxy, to be imprisoned there. Forever. he still visits my sister, once a year, every year. I wonder if one day he might forgive her. he trapped her inside a mirror, every mirror. If ever you look at your reflection and see something move behind you just for a second, that’s her. That’s always her. As for me, I was suspended in time, and the doctor put me to work, standing over the fields of England, as their protector. We wanted to live forever,so the doctor made sure that we did."

Gave me chills.

So yea. Go TEN!

Being Who-vified!

DAVINA HAS ENHANCED MY LIFE. BLESS HER SOUL!

I've been wanting to watch Doctor Who for over a year now but my abysmal downloading skills and lack of friends who even know what Doctor Who is has severely impeded my progress. But this year, this fun filled year has led me to this moment. I knew this day would come. It's finally here!

Davina, darling Davina gave me 6 series of DW (from the ninth Doctor onwards. I shall look for the earlier ones once I'm done with this).

I started watching a couple of days ago. I'm now 10 episodes in and completely in love. OMG!

There was a lot of pressure for me. I saw a lot about DW on the net and I wanted so badly to watch it and to truly love it. I was a little apprehensive about it. Alas, I THINK IT'S GREAT! Totally awesome!

AHHH!

I'm so happy! I can't wait to finish series 1 and move on to the next!

Nine is adorable. Christopher Eccleston has some serious acting skills. He has this adorable smile; so cheeky and full of life! And in the DALEK episode, he was seriously maniacal. I mean, he totally lost it when he saw the Dalek! I get it, though. The Great Time War and all the Doctor's people are dead at the hands of the Daleks (who are robotic alien type thingys bent on killing anything that's different from them; much like Hitler).

He was great. I love him! Ergh. And ROSE! ROSE TYLER! She's perfect! She's so brave and gutsy and playful. She's brilliant. And I love how it's not always the Doctor who saves the day. It's the ordinary people. It's an important message. Like, no one is unimportant. Nine has said that over and over again. The ordinary is always important.

Ergh.

I found this picture which helps explain what's happening to me:

Exactly this. ^

I haven't reached the bow tie yet but I get the sonic screwdriver, the banana, and the TARDIS. Dunno what the 3D glasses is for though. Enhanced viewing? I don't know.

Have I mentioned how happy I was when The Doctor explained what TARDIS stood for! OMG! Time And Relative Dimension In Space!

But what matters is that I AM IN LOVE WITH DOCTOR WHO! GAHHH!

I like to call this the Who-vification process. I will not consider meself a Whovian until I've caught up on everything. Grr.

Also, my imaginary friends/inner voice/brain/consciousness has decided to adopt an English accent. This is going to be good. Wait till I start with the Tenth Doctor. Bring on David Tennant and his Scottish accent!

:D

Hauntingly Beautiful People Who Ruin My Life.

Beautiful people. Beautiful people everywhere.

And the worst part is that they have no idea the effect they can have on us normal humans. They laugh with immaculate lips and smile with twinkling eyes. They awe us with intelligence and charm us with humour. They simply exist and we are powerless against their perfection. We can do naught but ogle.

WHY??

My day was littered with beautiful people. Everywhere I turned, I saw a gleaming smile or a heart meltingly beautiful facial structure. Soft, curly hair coupled with stunning eyes; high cheekbones on a slender body; hauntingly deep smile leading up to doe eyes.

Add to that all the talk about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hiddleston, Stiles (from teen wolf), Jensen Ackles, Tom Felton and Rupert Grint. Man, my day was littered with insecurity, inferiority, low self-esteem and a burning desire to go hide under a rock.

I cannot la. I just can't. Urgh.

It's safer to live in my own imagination. At least I won't have to worry about stupid ideas not coming to life. Because that's what happens. All it takes it one little crush on one little beautiful smile, a little attention paid to me and the ideas just flow like a waterfall. The endless streams of possibility that my over active imagination comes up with but which reality cannot deliver.

So yes, imagination nation is safer than reality in this case.

Urgh. Feelings. Emotions. I cannot la.

The Inevitable

There's this thing I do to myself. I get myself all worked up and happy and excited about something, something small. Something that's not even in the realm of possibility. And even though I know it's most probably never going to happen, I still get myself hyped about it because I feel alive and great.

But then, once I start getting myself hyped, I'll end up ruining it all and one day, it'll come crashing down. That particular hope and dream will just vanish into thin air in a puff of smoke due to me being overly self-conscious and thus, counter productive.

This always happens. Always.

And I have no idea how to stop it.

And it's happening now and I don't know.

And sometimes, it feels like I'm making a lot of hay over nothing at all. This is one of those times. Hmm.

I don't know what to do.

At this stage, it's like I have no control over my feelings. I just have to roll with it and hope I don't mess anything up.

Psychologically Artsy and Simply Chuck!

First thought, I understand now why artists come up with their best work when they're feeling their worst. Or very, very good. When you're upset, the emotion is so intense, and creativity flows easily when emotions are intense. Happiness, on the other hand, just general happiness, isn't intense enough to start the flow of creativity. Invoking creativity requires a totally unstoppable kinda happiness.

Anyways, I'm on happy mode. I like my life right now. I like the friends I've made, I like the course I'm doing, I like the people around me, I like my room, I like my laptop and I like my current schedule.

Oh, don't get me wrong. There are still things I need to work on. I feel like I've become a little selfish lately. It's partly the influence of these new friends who are either independent and have parents who like them to be teenagers/young adults, whereas I feel the need to be more involved in what's going on at home. Y'know?  And of course, it's partly me undergoing my development stage of adulthood. I'm finding myself and I've been focusing on 'me' a lot.

I think it makes sense, what I'm doing. But at the same time, I feel like I need to find a balance between focusing on 'me' and focusing on every other aspect of my life. It's important that I find that balance now because I think it'll affect the person I'll be in the future. Balanced now means balanced later on as well. Right?

I've been thinking and I realised that me wanting to step down from LEYP as the head is really the wrong thing to do when it comes to the committee but it might be the right thing to do for me. I am a capable person. I can do good things. I just don't want to. I mean, I prefer not to lead a bunch of people. I can barely lead myself right now so I don't feel like I can contribute anything valuable to them.

Moving on, I like shopping. Maybe a little too much, but I really like finding the right blouse or dress, or shoes or socks. It's always fun to find something that makes you smile and want to use it every day. My style is really evolving now and I guess I'm just trying to make sure I get the right stuff; stuff that suits me. For instance, I love clothes that are flowy, sheer, made of chiffon, and are either short or ankle length (if it's a dress). This is more of an old fashioned kinda style. So, naturally, I gravitate towards second hand stuff.

But nowadays, the general fashion trend for women has started imitating that of the 20's-40's. Collared dressed, flowy skirts, fitting but not tight bodices, flats, polka dots. It's the kinda stuff that I like. Which is a problem because a lot of 'new' clothes look really good to me and I want to buy 'em! But they're just so expensive!

I do love second hand stuff, though, which helps. The only problem is that Malaysia doesn't have many second hand clothes stores. I haven't even seen one. If you know of any, please, please leave a comment! :) I really like buying things from thrift stores. There's always so much history attached to things which just adds value to them.

AND, if there's a piece of clothing I like that doesn't fit well, I can always adjust it. That's like an added bonus: getting to use the sewing machine and of course, occupy my free time!

Which reminds me, I have to start using my sewing machine :P I said before that I need to be proactive and this is a good place to start. I should hone my abysmal sewing skills. Practice makes perfect after all, no?

Speaking of art, I really want to go for some art classes. I want to paint. I want to learn about brush strokes, canvases, sculpting and working with wood or clay. I want to do all these things. I just need to find a place to do it. I feel like I have a pit of creative energy just bubbling away in me that wants to be released. Sure, it'll start of a little wonky, but I'm sure I'll get better at it once I learn to control and channel the creativity.

***

OMG!
Something awesome just happened!
CHUCK JUST REPLIED TO MY TWEET! OMG! OMG! OMG!
This is amazing! No, no. It's stupendous! No! It's SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!!!!
Not only did he reply me, he also had good news about the book; Simple Plan: The Official Story!

I can't even

And of course, this was my reaction:

Yes. That's me.

OH MY GOSH! So yea, this feeling I'm having right now, it's the same feeling I had when Rupert Grint replied to my fan mail and sent me an autographed photo. This, that; same thing. Oh, the intensity of this moment is just.. Ergh.

Wow! Ok. I've calmed down. Really. Wow.

So, where was I? Ah yes, art. I really like art and I want to hone my skills as much as possible. I also want to train my brain to think more creatively. The idea I have for my career is to incorporate art with psychology. So, a therapy centre perhaps. One that provides various types of therapy, including art, music, and drama. Which means I need to ace this psychology degree, get a Master's in counselling and start exploring and throwing myself into various art, music and drama stuff.

To be honest, I wrote this post without the intention of posting it. As I wrote, I realised that what I wrote in it is actually the kind of stuff I wanted to have on my blog but never seemed to be able to write on cue. I found the cure to that; write like no one will read it. (There's a quote that's related to this. I just spent the last hour trying to find it but failed dismally. Ergh).

Anyways, :D

I Do Not Know How to Title This Post. :P

Studying Psychology is basically living through multiple "AHA!" moments a day. It's really great. I learn so much about myself and the people I know. I learn so much about the people around me. My outlook on life is practically changing everyday. New windows are opened and horizons are widened. The sky seems bluer and the grass greener. I like it.

On another note, I realised that I love to shop. Like really. I just want to buy so many things! Luckily I have the will power to not buy everything in sight. Hmmmm. Get a grip Kath! Need to plan out a budget and stick to it.

Growing up is pretty scary, to be honest. Independence and what not.

But, on the bright side, I'm halfway through my first semester as a psych student! Oh, how time flies:)

But then again, I think about growing up an I tremble at the thought. :P

I'm thinking of having a movie marathon during the upcoming one week holiday. Either LOTR, Harry Potter or Tim Burton!

Currently, I'm leaning towards LOTR. I haven't seen it in a while, so that might be good. A Tim Burton movie marathon sounds good too but I might have some trouble finding all the movies. Also, with Tim Burton, I have to decide on whether I want to watch the animated movies or the normal kind. Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

Pfft.

One last thing, I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy Season 6 today and I realised that one of the patients was played by Demi Lovato. She was really good! So, respect to her, man. I never liked Camp Rock but I realise now that she's a great singer and a pretty good actress too. And I like what she stands for. So, yea.

Anyways, I shall go be unproductive elsewhere.

14 Things I Realised

So, I've been thinking (what else is new?) and I've come to realise a few things.

First: I have very bad short term memory. I'm grateful for my phone calender. I still need a new notebook though.

Second: I need to start taking more organised notes in class.

Third: It's ok to be straight forward just to not to the extent of being like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Emotional regulation is the key.

Fourth: I should start watching Doctor Who (which I will once I get Benji back and get the series from Dav)

Fifth: I've been regulating my emotions for a while now, even before I learnt about it in class. It's both good and bad.

Sixth: I know some neurotic people (in the scientific and psychological sense of the word). They're not crazy. They just like to be stressed. Or as Dr. Eugene would say, "They're happy being unhappy."

Seventh: Dr. Eugene is, so far, my favourite lecturer.

Eighth: I'm still unsure about what I want to do with my life but I'm currently content with being a student; a psych student.

Ninth: I WANT a new phone but I may not necessarily NEED one. (blogging through my phone sucks).

Tenth: There's a song, only one, that evokes a huge wave of emotions in me. I never thought of it before but yea, it does.

Eleventh: I have a midterm paper next week (just one) and I'm so excited!

Twelfth: I need silence (or really light, flowy music) when I'm concentrating on something like writing or reading a book.

Thirteenth: I need to learn some tact.

Fourteenth: I have to make the moves if I want something. Being passive has never helped me and that's not going to change. It's time for me to be an active seeker, a go-getter.

That is all. Thanks for listening:)

Upstairs Cafe & Benji

So mama and I went to the Upstairs Cafe just now. It's a really cool place. It's like a combination of Starbucks and Baci Cafe (in Citta Mall); jazz music, delectable desserts and a calm atmosphere. It's not at all dim like Starbucks but not as bright as Baci either. It's a good balance. The prices are quite reasonable as well.

I've actually seen it before and always wanted to go in but never did on account of it being upstairs (duh!). But a couple of weeks ago, mama and I saw 2 of the guys from the cafe (they were wearing chef jackets with the cafe name on it) in PJ looking for plates. They were smoking hot (you can blame Peter for my sudden increase in expressing my thoughts about hot guys). Add to that the fact that HELP has trained me to climb a few flights of stairs each day & there I was!

I really like it there. The coffee doesn't come close to beating Baci but the food and atmosphere makes up for it. I felt really indie, free and calm while I was there. I also felt a sudden urge to express my creativity! :) Of course, it also helps that the guys who work there are super nice, friendly and oh so good looking.
I'm definitely going back there again.

On another note, I cut my hair! It's feels goooood!

On a sadder note though, my laptop (which I've christened Benji) needs to stay at the doctor's for another week. I really want him back :(

AND, if you're interested, I've updated my Bucket List:)

Mind Over Mood

I've been self reflecting a lot lately. Here's what I realised today: I've been letting the sadness win.

There's this quote I really like. "It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win."

I've been forcing happiness and inadvertently, I let sadness take over. Take today, for example. There were so many good moments. So many. It started off with 111 and Ross's admiration of the positivity post-it project. Then speaking in front of everyone during 111, learnt a few tips on goal setting which I think will really help me, had a good lunch, met someone else who's crazy about Simple Plan too, had a ball making art at the CPCS open day, traded sarcasm with Peter, talked about TWW with a fellow TWW fan (difficult to find), played the bible quiz online with mama and I was positively reinforced today (apparently, if I were a guy, my friends would date me! I feel good (^^,). Too bad they like guys).

So, why am I sad? Why am I upset and demotivated?

Because I've been focusing on the few bad moments. I've been dwelling in the dark with my eyes closed and wondering why I can't see. I let those moments consume me. I let it regulate my mood. I have to remember not to let sadness win. It's about being filled with those beautiful moments. Moments that happen without effort. Those moments are what matters. Mind Over Mood.

So, I know now what's been bugging me. I just need to remember: It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win.

EDM: Reaction Formation

We were talking about stress levels in class today. Mr. Justin mentioned creative tension. That's when a leader utilises the stress he/she is feeling and channels it into achieving the goals that were set out. He said that we all need to have is the right amount of stress to get us going. We need to be just stressed enough to want to achieve our goal and strive towards it. Not too little (may be anxious but don't work towards the goal) and not too much (too stressed out to function properly).

Mr.J used the LLS assignment as an example. The assignment is due next Monday and he asked us to imagine how we would feel if the assignment was due on Friday instead; and what it if was due tomorrow. Many people said that they'd be on stress overdrive, which sounds about right. I, on the other hand, said that I wouldn't be stressed, which isn't far from the truth. I actually wouldn't be as stressed as the rest of the class.  I mean, sure it's important to my overall CGPA but I think I'd be able to finish it in time and even if I didn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

So then I asked him, what if someone wasn't the type to feel stressed? He said it most probably meant that whatever needed to be done wasn't important to that person. He went on to explain but my brain went into overdrive right then and I didn't catch what he said after that.

Is that why I feel demotivated? Is this not important enough to me? Is that why I'm so laid back? I mean, yeah, I'm relaxed because I know I still have time and that I'll be able to complete the assignment but does disinterest also contribute to this lack of stress?

I feel substantially upset right now. Am I doing the right thing here?

I don't know. I really don't know.

The next part of the lecture was about positive reinforcement. Mr. J showed us a video about a man who validated parking tickets and his customers. He became well known and he spread positivity around the world (his community) by saying nice things to people to make them smile. One day, he saw a woman and fell in love at first sight, but try as he may, she just wouldn't smile. He gave up for a while.

But then he rediscovered the joy of making people smile. He went back to spreading positivity. Later on, he saw this woman again and she was smiling. She said that when she was young, her mother became sick and she hasn't smiled since then. But one day, a man made her mother smile. And she knew it was him. Her mother was smiling again and so was she.

The rest, they say, is history.

The point he (Mr. J) was trying to make is that everyone wants to be heard; we want people to really see us. Sincerity is important. Nowadays, if someone says something nice to us, we don't take it so well. It may not be true for all of us, but it is for most. The fact is, we aren't used to people being genuinely nice to each other and so we are natural suspicious. It's sad.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't reinforce people enough. Today, all I really needed was some positive reinforcement. I just wanted to feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you know.

That's all.

Yodalicious!

I am having fun at uni, no doubt. I met some really cool people. They're nice and friendly and we trade sarcasm regularly. So, all is good.

But, the assignments are worrying. I can do them, no problem (so far) but I lack the motivation. I do not know where it went! And so I'm slogging through even the simplest of assignments because I'm not excited about it. There has to be a solution to this.

I just haven't found it yet.

Right now, I have to start working on the Leader Report and the Argumentative essay. Both shouldn't be that hard to do and it really isn't; I'm just having some trouble finding the energy to do it. And then there are the group assignments. I'm meeting both my groups next week. Hope it goes well.

Oh! Guess what we did yesterday?

A few of us decided to spread some positivity around KPD yesterday. So we walked around with post-it notes of positivity and stuck in on to peoples cares, bikes and office doors! We wrote stuff on the post-its that we nice, funny, cute and encouraging. The general idea was to spread some love:)

I think we did ok:) We made a lot of people smile (some probably thought, 'Oh, those meddlesome kids!) and we're happy. We should do these things more often!

Anyway, I should really get started. Peace:)

Total Heartbreak.

I'm an idealistic person. I believe in good. I believe that it is possible to make this world a better place. I believe in the simplicity of love.

I live my whole life trying so hard to be compassionate, understanding. I try everyday to not be critical of other people but to be kind. I try to always give people my best listening ear and see things from their point of view. I try not to be mean. I'm constantly evaluating myself and how I treat people. I realise that I can be rude at times and I feel guilty but I do try not to do it again.

I'm a believer in love.

And so it was a real slap in the face for me today when I realised that my brother just doesn't care. All these things I stand for, all my principles, however idealistic they may be; he doesn't care for it one bit. He does not see why he has to be nice especially to strangers. For all I know, he probably thinks that I'm some silly little girl with unrealistic views and ideas about this wholly and irreversibly imperfect world.

With all I stand for, here he is, my own brother who just doesn't see it that way.

And it hurts. It hurts so completely. If my own brother doesn't see how important it is to be nice, then how is the world going to change one person at a time?

He doesn't see how much we all hurt in this world. It's inconsequential to him. Not to me. I see the hurt and I know how important one smile can be. How much one listener can help. It may sound cliché to you but it's really not. Niceness is underrated. Too underrated.

I'm going to sleep today with a hole in my heart because I just found my first unchangeable.

This whole thing is so important to me. So important that it physically hurts. And I've tried but there's nothing I can do about it.

I still have my love, my principles and my ideals. I'm not stopping. I'll change the world myself if I have to. I'll just do it without my brother.

Kelab dan Persatuan, Bro!

Hello there! So, it's been more than a week. And it's not that I don't have anything to write, I just didn't feel like it :P

Anyway, I'm here now. So let's get down to business.

I'm currently working on the first PSY 111 assignment. It's kind of driving me crazy. I have no earthly idea if I'm writing what needs to be written and I don't know if my paraphrasing is good enough. The Turnitin thing is kinda confusing me and scaring me too. Also, it's due next week and I'm only halfway done!

Then there's also the LLS 101 assignment  It's a report on 2 leaders (of my choice). I have to write about their leadership styles and 2 of their dominant Big 5 personality traits. Bad news; I haven't chosen my two leaders yet, let alone start researching them. Oh no.

I think I'll survive, though. So no real worries.

I went for the Help Therapy Club meeting today. I joined 'cause they mentioned art therapy and play therapy, both of which I'm really interested in. It was ok but not what I expected, really. They seem to focus more on laughter yoga and bringing in speakers. I don't know if that's what I really wanted. I actually thought that they have regular art therapy sessions and play therapy too. But apparently not.

And I got the concept wrong too. When they mentioned play therapy, I thought of play acting not actual playing with toys. I was wrong. When they say play therapy, they mean actual playing. I dunno. I probably won't join the committee but just take part in the different therapy sessions that they conduct.

I want to be active in a club but I don't think this is it. I'm looking out for the go kart club, the CSS (they were supposed to contact me but nothing so far. Hmm..) and the mind games club. See how it goes la. I want something interactive and something I can be passionate about. Those three clubs mentioned above seem to fit the profile for now.

Why mind games? Because I love puzzles and of course games are fun. Also, I'm interested in merging psychology with games. So, this is a good setting for that. At the least, I'll be having fun:)

Why CSS? I owe it all to La Salle. My love for CSS started there and I want to be part of a CSS again. I really miss it as part of my life. I feel it adds to who I am; somehow completes me.

Why go kart? I have a need for speed! :)

*sigh*

Ok, that's it for now. More to come:)

Oh! One last thought, I really want to eat at a gourmet restaurant one day. Just to try the good food in a posh environment. Just once la.. :P

One Gobsmacking Week

Here I am, sitting in front of the desktop after just finishing with my assignment, still riding the high of completing the first assignment of my university life, being totally gobsmacked, if it is indeed at all possible to be totally gobsmacked, at how much can happen in just a week.

Let me start at the beginning, for where else can I start but at the beginning. But then again, it's not that I start at the beginning but that the beginning starts where I choose it to begin ("Stop beating around the bush and get to the point" I bet that's what you're thinking). My last post was a week ago and since then, much has happened.

First off, I dropped my laptop (talk about getting straight to the point). My innate clumsiness, in league with Newtons precious gravitational force, was all out with a personal vendetta against my laptop. I was trying to get from the hall to my room while carrying a textbook and the laptop. Whatever happened next happened so fast that before my neurons could connect to other neurons to make sense of it all, the laptop was lying face down on the ground. 

I was, of course, in panic mode. I collected my things and went into the room to assess the damage. Bad news: the textbook's front cover was folded and oh, there's a huge dent on the laptop. OMG! Panic mode went into hyper drive. Everything seemed fine except for the obvious dent. But the next day, the mouse wasn't working. And so, my barely 2 weeks old laptop is now at the doctors for some minor surgery. They say it's treatable but she'll have to live with the scars. I just hope she makes it. 

Moving on, I had my first taste of biological psychology last week. I was a little apprehensive about it which, as it turns out, I had every reason to be but as complex as the subject seems, it's a hell of a lot interesting as well which makes up for the 32 new words I had learn in the span of 3 hours. The brain really is an amazing thing. Just learning about it makes me appreciate God even more. Even the most beautiful sunsets pale in comparison to the wonder that is the human brain. I can't wait to delve deeper into this. Also, Mr Alex played a clip from Pinky and The Brain during class. It was the one where Pinky sang the brain song. It was stuck in my head for days. *Brain stem! Brain stem!*

Another awesome creation of God which I feel compelled to mention is none other than the incredible Joseph Gordon-Levitt. A few of us went to watch Premium Rush on our day off. I have to say, I never though that watching a bike messenger cycling around the streets of New York trying to escape villians could be so exciting. He was great, as only JGL can be. He's good looking in the guy-next-door-with-a-twist kind of way. He's also got this charming smile and certain je ne sais quoi which makes him oh so attractive.

It was a really good movie. The actors were all great. Sure, the story line was quite basic but the movie was delivered in such an entertaining way. It was funny and emotional as well as action packed, all at once. Basically, all you need to make a great movie. I read somewhere that the director, Rian Dawson, wrote the part of Wilee specifically for JGL. I guess that helped a lot with the success of the movie.

One last thing. There's a freshman lunch that the new psych students have to attend this Saturday which has got me looking for a wand. It's a formal lunch and the theme is 'Harry Potter'. So you can understand why I'm excited. I mean, c'mon, it's Harry Potter! How can I not be excited? :) We're supposed to come in formal attire and they're giving us robes to wear when we get there. So cool, right! I can't wait:)

Anyways, that's it for now. I think I had more to write but it's now past 1am and I'm getting sleepy. Ciao.

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

The colour: Yellow. 

The WHO estimates that about a million people commit suicide each year. That's one death every 40 seconds or 3,000 suicide deaths every day. For every person who dies by suicide, 20 people attempt to take their own lives. The number of lives lost to suicide exceeds the number of lives lost due to homicide and war combined. Even so, the number of suicide could be more due to the fact that many suicides are hidden among other causes of death such as car accidents and unwitnessed drownings.

This is a serious issue. It need just as much exposure as breast cancer awareness and any other causes we've been fighting for over the years. It is especially important for young people. According to the WHO, suicide is one of the leading causes of death among the young.

In conjunction with World Suicide Prevention Day, the IASP (International Association for Suicide Prevention) has drawn up a list of things we can do to be part of this cause. Most of these ideas revolve around conducting exhibitions, conferences and forums for the general public. If these are too big a scale for you, the IASP also has smaller ideas that might work.

Among those ideas are, wearing Yellow on the day (10th Sept, TODAY!) to promote the cause and bring awareness to the issue. Also, you can light a candle by the window at 8pm in support of WSPDay, bringing awareness about suicide prevention and in memory of loved ones, or just anyone, lost to suicide.

This is an important day to me. I do not personally know anyone who has committed suicide or attempted to. But I know some people, friends (if you would allow the use of the term), who go through a tough time and are cutters. They are depressed and some have tried to end their lives. Naturally, this hits close to my heart.

So, I'm going to don the yellowest clothes I have and tell anyone who will listen about WSPDay. I'm lighting a candle at the stipulated time and I hope you could do the same. This is one of the biggest social issues we are facing now. It needs as much exposure as possible. 

My prayer goes out to everyone. :)

Going in Blind!

I have no class today so, I thought I'd get a start on one of my assignments. For the Into to Psych class, we have to choose one of the six theories given and write an essay about it. We have to write a clear description and an explanation of the theory as well as provide sufficient research evidence as support.

Sounds easy, or so I thought. I have no idea what to do! I thought I'd write about the Loftus Theory of False Memory. Sounds interesting enough. But I cannot figure out how to write about this. There's something called EBSCOhost which we can use for our research but I don't really know how to use it.

I can put words in the search engine and find related journals but I don't know what I'm supposed to use. I don't know which journal relates to my essay nor which part of a journal I have to cite. There are so many! Hopefully, things will be a lot clearer once I have the textbook. At least then, I'll have some point of reference.

There's also the whole APA formatting thing. I looked it up and I don't think it'll be much of an issue, but still, it seems intimidating.

I'm going to have to pluck up the courage and ask for help. But then again, who do I ask???

Hiring Now: Angry Mob. Pitchforks and Flaming Torches Required

If you have been living in Malaysia this past month or so, you would know about the rape case against national bowler, Noor Afizal Azizan. You would know that he was convicted of raping a 13-year old girl in 2009. You would also know about the outrage felt by the public when he was bound over for five years on a RM25,000 good behaviour bond. This, even though he was found guilty by the Sessions Court for statutory rape. I'm sure this outrage needs no explaining.

Apparently, the judges (The Court of Appeal's 3-member panel) decided that public interest would not be served as the perpetrator has a bright future as the national bowler. Also, they mentioned that it was consensual sex. Erm, do you understand the term Statutory Rape??

Cue the pitchforks.

Really? This is what our judges do now? Let a rapist roam free on account that he has a bright future? Keeping in mind of course that this is for the public's interest? What bright future would that be, exactly? Having Malaysia represented in international bowling events by a rapist? That's a good one. And what of the victim? The trauma she went through, the pain and suffering? All that counts for nothing now because the person who assaulted her now roams free. Also, how is this good for the public or the country? What message are you sending to the public, to rapists and to victims of rape?

These are my questions. Of course, there are more where those came from but I'm unable to type them all out on the account of my ultimate disbelief at the courts decision.

Following this, a few days ago, another rapist was set free when the courts bound another man for RM25,000 after being found guilty for statutory rape. They cited the same reasons as in the previous case. A bright future, consensual sex, blah, blah, blah.

And so, another rapist roams free.

Cue the burning torches.

Today, this headline caught my eye: Kindie owner in rape case freed.

My first thought was, "What nonsense!". (That's a favourite phrase of mine)

This, in my opinion, is happening because the decision by the Court of Appeals to set Noor Afizal Azizan free has opened a flood gate for rape cases all over Malaysia. Every young adult can now plead the "I have a bright future" case. They can use that argument and any other arguments they may be able to concoct which stems from that single bad decision made by 3 judges. Judges, by the way, who are suppose to uphold the law. They just threw this law out the window, down the drain and threw dung on it. Then burnt it to ashes.

This particular law states that it is illegal to have sexual intercourse with a minor who is under the legal age of consent (in Malaysia it's 16, for both genders). This law was formed to protect minors. Well, that didn't work, did it?

The kindie owner was accused of raping a 4 year old. He was sentenced to 20 years in jail. 4 years later, after hearing his appeal, he is freed. In this case, the judge ruled that there was a lax of physical evidence in proving that the rape actually happened. So, I guess that's fair game.

What ticked me off is this statement from the judge, "We must not forget who is involved in this rape allegation, even if she is an adult, in which woman have a tendency to exaggerate about a sexual act".

Cue angry mob. Carrying pitchforks and torches.

Really? Wow.

"Woman have the tendency to exaggerate about a sexual act."

This is debilitating stuff. Debilitating, as in, "I cannot even form complete sentences to express my outrage at how saturated this judiciary is with idiocy".

I sign off with this: If you are a Law Student in Malaysia right now, I urge you to graduate, pass the bar and please, please, knock some sense into the system. I don't think we're going to survive the 21st century if this keeps up.

For now, I'm holding out hope because, as naive as this is going to sound, I still believe that we're not completely lost yet.

(Forgive me if anything has been quoted out of context or if I've misused certain terms of law. Please let me know and I shall do my best to educate myself and correct the mistakes)

Survival is Imminent.

The second day of orientation was a good one. I don't feel so dumb any more! The admin staff explained a lot of things to us. They told us about the online portals and elearning sites. They also explained the PTPTN application process and finally, how to read the schedule! :)

That was what I dreaded. The schedule they gave us was a terrible mess. It included the schedules for all three years. All in one! So naturally, it seemed like there were classes that were overlapping and stuff. And there were tiny little alphabets and numbers on the lower right corner of each little box. So, they pointed out to us which classes were ours and how to understand those little alphabets and letters.

Now, I understand! I know where and when my classes are and I know all the important details. At least, I know enough to move forward. Everything else, I'll figure out as I go along. It helps having those little booklets that the student commission made for us. It's a survival guide. Pretty neat idea, I think. It's got more than enough information to help us around. And the so-called Peer Support Group members are all very friendly. They said to keep in touch and feel free to ask them about anything at all, especially if we need help.

So, I'm heading to class on Monday, full of excitement and a little apprehension of what's in store. It's going to be good. I'm sure it is. :) First class is Leadership and Life Skills (sounds interesting enough) followed by Social and Business Communication (don't know what to think of that). So, 2 lectures on Monday; back-to-back. That's quite a stretch for the first day. I hope I can write fast enough to catch all the important bits of my lectures. I don't want to miss anything. I also for-see myself doing plenty of reading. This should be an interesting week :)

I also can wait for the days when all the clubs and societies are gathered in one place for us to explore. So far, I've set my sights of the Go-Cart Club and Dance Club. I know, I know. Neither clubs have anything to do with psychology, but hey, I want to have fun while I'm here. So, don't worry, I shall make sure I get involved in some psych activities as well.

As for now, I'm going to enjoy my weekend. I hope you do too.

HAPPY MERDEKA!

Bambi-esque

Oh Em Gee!!!

Today's the first day of orientation. We got a tour of the campus, heard a speech from the Dean of Psychology, had the entire staff introduced to us via power point by the Head of the Department and then took an English Proficiency Exercise.

I started out as I expected to. Meaning, I was quiet and reserved. I stayed out of big groups and I just listened to everything. I spoke to a few people and I kept trying to calm the butterflies in my tummy. Pretty standard stuff. But then I realised that the file they gave me was not supposed to be empty. Or actually, that it was supposed to be filled with papers and stuff.

That's when I started to panic. I managed to get what I need from the office but I was already too far gone by then. During the Dean's speech, he ended with a few example cases. Like, there's a 6 year old male who is being disruptive in class and does not pay attention. You have to come up with a diagnosis. Does he have a learning disability, if so, which one. And you have to come up with learning programme that suits his needs.

BAM!

That's the first taste I got. Definitely interesting. And totally new. I had no idea what my answer would possibly be. The Dean said that the point is, Uni is preparation so that by the end of 3 years, we should be able to answer these questions.

And then we went on to the English Proficiency Exercise. I thought, yea, I can do this. I mean, I'm not being cocky or anything, but I can read, write and converse in English pretty well. So, there's a high possibility that I'll do well in this and not have to take English for Psychology 101. We had to answer one of three questions. It was a short essay question. Our answers were to be between 200-250 words. Piece of cake; or so I thought. I saw the questions and my heart dropped.  (Cue second BAM!)

Q1 was the easiest question on the screen. Why did you choose psychology and what do you see yourself doing after you graduate. Questions 2 and 3 had me stumped. They were more psychologically based. I can't remember the exact questions but they were something along the lines of this: What psychological problems do you think this country faces and what do you think is the best way to overcome it. Something like that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I chose to answer question 1. Why? Because I didn't feel intellectually capable of answering either one of the other 2 questions. I have no idea what I think are the psychological problems this generation faces nor do I have any clues or ideas as to how the problem could be tackled.

I felt dumb, to be honest. I felt totally, and completely incapable of answering those questions. I don't know enough. Heck, I don't know anything! I don't read non-fiction books. I don't read psych books. I read fiction. Ask me about how to stop a genius, evil pixie from taking over the world or what a thestral is; those questions I can answer. So, ever since I saw those questions up on the screen, the butterflies in my stomach refuse to calm down. I managed to submit an answer to question one which I hope is good enough to exempt me from the EP101 class.

However, I still feel too dumb. I don't know why on earth I thought I could do psychology. I mean, sure, I did pretty well in STPM but I did Pengajian Am, BM, Econs and English Lit. Non of those subjects have anything to do with Psychology. So, what on earth was I thinking? What did I get myself into?

Here's what popped into my head: That West Wing episode when Josh got shot and had a flashback to when Bartlet just won the elections. Donna was interviewed by someone from a magazine and the writer commented that Donna had a Bambi-esque quality about her. She was told my a White House staffer that there's a nuclear warhead in the Rose Garden, which Donna then told the interviewer who promptly included that piece of information in the magazine. When Donna realised that it was a prank, she said; "I'm too stupid to live!"

Oh man. I hope I can get over this. I really, really hope I can get over this. I want so badly to learn more. My brain is just waiting to be supplied with information. I'm just itching to learn and discover things. HELP encourages their students to not just accept whatever is given to them in the classrooms but to be inquisitive and explore things for themselves as well. I can't wait for that. I just hope I work hard enough to process all this awesomeness. Basically, I hope I don't crash and burn.

Anyway, it's all so exciting. I need to get a laptop soon though, I think. It seems I'm going to be using the computer a lot. So much money. Hmm..

I'd like to end this post with a music recommendation. The band is called "Of Monsters and Men". I know the band name sounds like they sing heavy metal or something but they don't. They make very good music. So, go! Listen to them on Youtube. Try listening to the song "From Finner" first. Bonus: They're Irish! :)

Oh The Colour Purple:)

Tomorrow is going to be my first day at University. I'm as nervous as anything! I have everything ready to go (except my water bottle, which is missing, and my ring, which I seemed to have misplaced). I'm super excited though. There's going to be new people, new adventures. I always hear about how fun life at University is, so I can't wait for some first-hand experience! This is a whole new chapter in my life and I can't wait to turn the page!

Speaking of pages, I have my Kindle back! Wohoo!! Aunty Lucy arrived home on Sunday with my baby Kindle in tow, thankfully. So, I can finally read on it again, not to mention start playing games too:) However,  in these two months of being without the Kindle, I started to read paperback books again so I'm having a little bit of an adjustment issue. I'll get over it soon enough, though. Because I have Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian to read! Muahahhaa:)

Oh, another big announcement: I won a Big Bad Wolf Book Sale Preview Pass!~

Which means, just like last year, I get to go to the sale a day before it's opened to the general public! The sale is going to be even bigger this year, with 3 Million books! The only thing left to do now is to wait for December 6th!:) So, thank you Lt. Black Paw!

Moving on, I dyed my hair! I really wanted to do something to my hair because I was getting kind of bored with it. I didn't want to cut it so, I opted to go purple! :) I wanted a visible purple, like not too bright but just bright enough to distinguish the difference between the black and purple parts. I didn't dye my whole head of hair, by the way. Just the bottom half.

Anyway, here are some pictures of the process, just for fun:)

Prep time. (Fuhh, that's really how long my hair is now?)

Bleaching. (Cz you know, purple doesn't stand out on black)

Adding the colour! (Reading Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception on my lovely Kindle!)

Getting some sort of treatment. I look like I have a UFO lading on my head.

So, that's the process. I haven't taken a picture of the end result yet. I want to make sure the colour is completely visible, so once I rescue the camera from my brother's car, I shall take a picture:) It's not exactly as bright as I had imagined it to be but I quite like it.

Anyway, I'm excited about it. I really like the colour. I'm thinking of keeping it for a while:) Teehehe:)

So yea, first day tomorrow. I'm pumped. I hope I remember how to write with a pen. I had a little trouble locating my pencil case but it's settled. I'm all set. I definitely have to visit a stationary store soon though, cause my ball point pens are running low of ink. I don't know about notebooks though. I may need them, I may not. That'll just have to wait till I start actual classes.

I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow. I hope it's not boring. And I hope I meet some nice people:)

Anyways, gotta go now. Wish me luck! :)
Sleep well, everyone!!

I want....

Someone to hold hands with.
Someone to kiss because I can.
Someone to watch crappy movies with.
Someone to walk around with.
Someone to play rummy with.
Someone to cuddle up with.
Someone to stroke my hair.
Someone to hug me from behind.
Someone to hold me when I cry.
Someone to buy me random gifts.
Someone to find new music with.
Someone to talk to.
Someone to cook for.
Someone to eat with.
Someone to make art with.
Someone to sit in silence with.
Someone to accept my love.
Someone to nag.
Someone to play under-the-table-footsie with.
Someone to watch plays with.
Someone to take to wedding receptions.
Someone to share a milkshake with.
Someone to stick up for me.
Someone to be my guy.
Someone who wants to be my guy.
Someone who wants me to be their girl.
Someone to love.
Someone who wants me to have their babies.
Someone to be the Carl to my Ellie.
Someone whom I will have forever in my life.

That Someone.

(2nd post of the day)

The Selfish Little Happy Bubble

These past few days have been good. Well, they didn't start out as good but they ended well. Mum and I drove all around trying to get a manicure but almost every place was fully booked. One place told us to come back later but we were really frustrated by then so we just headed home.

We spent so much time just driving around for 3 days but accomplished nothing. We were really frustrated. I reached a point where I didn't want to do anything. We ended up sleeping the days away. Finally, today, our luck changed. We got ourselves manicures and pedicures! Now we know better; make appointments, don't just walk in. So, today was good.

Yesterday was pretty good too. Went shopping with Claudine. We didn't find what she was looking for but we had fun. It's nice to spend the day with Claudine. She's a smart one. Makes me feel like I should read some non-fiction, thought-provoking books just so I can be on her level.

Anyway, we had a bit of an adventure too. As we got out of the monorail, Claudine's glasses fell. So basically, we left the train but the glasses decided to stay. Anyway, the couple that were sitting next to us picked it up and was waving to us through the window. Two seconds later, the train left the station.

Claudine and I decided to head to the next station. We though, hopefully, that they would leave it at the counter. Though, we couldn't be sure which station they were getting out or if they would even give it back. Anyway, we headed there but no luck. So, on to the next station.

We asked the lady at the counter and she was nice enough to call the other stations to check if anyone had handed the glasses in under lost and found. She said we should check back at the station we first got off. We went back and amazingly, the glasses were there. The couple had probably gotten off at the next station and turned back so they could give us the glasses. That was really nice of them. To take time out of their day to do that. So, yesterday was a good day too.

Now, on to the personal segment.

I don't like it when people are always sad. Or always angry. I feel like, I'm happy and I do not want anything to dampen my happiness. And yes, that is very selfish of me.

Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with sadness. Some people are always sad. Bad things always happen to them and sometimes, they're just to hard on themselves and they stress themselves out too much. I'm a positive being and the whole aura of negativity really brings me down. I don't want that right now. So, when there's sadness near me, I just shut down and retreat into my little bubble.

I like being happy and carefree. I love being simple. I'm content. And I'm really happy that I'm feeling this way. Sometimes, I really get down on myself. I've been really sad for not reason. There have been times when I was just constantly sad or angry. I don't know if I was depressed. That seems a lot more serious but perhaps it was a mild form of depression. Anyway, I've been there. But now, I'm in my Happy phase and I want to stay here as long as I can. So, naturally, I try and stay away from the opposite.

I do want to be there for my friends when they need me but at times like these, I feel like I can't talk about the happy moments in my life because it seems more than a little insensitive. Like, I can see the look of, "Well, glad you had a good time, really. But I'm suffering. So, can we focus on the bad for a minute?". That's what it feels like and I don't want to be insensitive towards other people's sufferings. I mean, I want to inhibit the frame of mind you are in so I can offer some real empathy, you  know. Really be there for you in the way you need me too. But right now, I do not want to surround myself with that. I want to be able to have fun with people. I want to be able to talk and joke and make art and laugh.

So, today, this week, I chose to put myself first. I chose to stay in my own little world and avoid the sadness because I'm not ready to let it go.

It hurts me to see people who I really care about be constantly upset. I can't remember them being just happy and carefree. They're in there somewhere but nowhere to be found, not just yet. And I'm tired of it. And I feel really guilty about what I'm feeling, about putting myself first.

But this is it. This is what I'm doing. I need this now. I will not go back to that dark place. And that means I can't be there for people who are in their dark place and I hate it. But that's my choice and I will live with it, I have to.

**
*

On another note, that has nothing to do with what's written above, I've always wondered what it's like to date an actor. Hmm....

You Are Mine

This week, CDM's 3rd newsletter of the year was finally published. This issue focuses on youth. Most of the articles in this issue was written by various youths from CDM. On page 1, the article is by me!! :)

I'm pretty excited about it. It's a great feeling to have your work published, even in something as simple as a newsletter. Everyone who has a copy would have read it. It's amazing, really. :)

Anyways, that's number one. Number 2 is this: Mass today was great. We went in late because our BEC conducted the breakfast sales today so we had to clean up. We managed to sneak in just as father started his sermon.

The gospel today was from John 6: 41-51. It's the "I am the Bread of Life" reading. Father said, during his homily, that we all suffer from some degree of spiritual dryness. He said that sometimes, we feel like nothing is right. Like the whole universe is going wrong and everything is going wrong in your life, your job, your relationships. And you reach a stage when you either just want to numb the pain or that you're so numb and all you want is to be able to feel something again and how some people do that by self-harming.

My eyes were immediately swimming. On Tumblr, I follow some blogs. And I know from what they post that they're good people. But they also go through so much and a surprising number of people suffer from depression and resort to self-harming, just so they can feel something again. I couldn't help but think of them today.

My heart aches for them, all those people in the world, especially the young ones who suffer so much at such a young age. The only way they know how to respond is by cutting themselves. At the same time, I'm amazed at how many of them actually don't want to do it. They just don't know any other way. They try so hard and they help each other out. When someone says that they managed to go for 2 weeks without cutting, then it's cause for celebration. And if they relapse, it's time to flood their inbox with encouragement.

Father said today that this state of being, this darkness we sometimes feel usually means that we also suffer from spiritual dryness. Today's readings are all about how God is our life. He feed us, he is our manna from heaven. "'I am the bread of life,' says the Lord, 'he who comes to me shall not hunger.'" I've never understood a Sunday message so clearly before.

Just listening to father speak really hit my heart in a way no sermon has before. I just want to give everyone a hug, tell them that the world isn't such a terrible place. That happiness and fulfilment is entirely possible, if only we remember that it is.

Today, I was wholly present in mass. And it felt great.

And that song at the end, 'You Are Mine'. I think everyone should have that on their playlist, on shuffle. Because I'm sure that if you do, then God (or the universe or Gods or Goddesses or whatever works for you) will make sure that it plays just when you need it to. If only we remember that in everything we do, God is with us, then we'll always know for sure that there is no such thing as infinite sadness. We will know that joy comes, it always does.

Today, I knew for sure that I'm on the right path in my life. I know what I'm supposed to do.

DLCW: Hero.

I just have to get this out.

Almost every Malaysian was hanging on the edge of their seat yesterday, watching our very own Dato' Lee Chong Wei battle his long-time on-court rival Lin Dan for the Olympic Gold. We all saw him claim the first set with incredible gusto. We saw him fight and keep fighting right to the end. Alas, he lost the next 2 sets and settled for silver.

However, no one can claim that he did not fight till the end. No one can say that he didn't do his best or that he lost his will. LCW fought his way through. It was such a close finish. He made us all very proud. Every Malaysian watching had our hearts broken, not because LCW got silver but because we saw him fall to the ground at the end. He, the only one to win a medal for Malaysia (so far), was upset that it wasn't good enough.

Let me tell you this, it's perfect. He brought his best on that court and he played amazingly. He single-handedly rallied every Malaysian. He speared right through out hearts and found a place among those we call our heroes.

LCW apologised, more than once, to us all for not being able to get the Negaraku played at Wembley. To see him shed tears at the end, it tugged at my heart strings. He fought valiantly and to that I think we all owe him. He won us our first medal, he put us on the map. He is an inspiration to us all.

I gotta say, I just feel like giving him a huge hug and telling him that we all love him so, so much and that we appreciate every bead of sweat he shed (that would be about a litre or two, judging by how many times they had to mop the court during that final match).

I found this video on Facebook. Student from UTAR made this video for Dato' Lee Chong Wei. Their salute to him.

Take that and multiply it by the number of every single proud Malaysian (28 million, I think would be a safe bet). This is for you, DLCW.

I hope he sees it and realises just how proud we are of him.

Disappointment.

Let's talk about disappointment. Well, if we could talk that is. But since we can't, let me type about it and you read it.

When I was just a lowly committee member in the youths, I tried to do well. Of course, there were times when I didn't give my full commitment. And there were also times when me and a few others thought that we could do better. Maybe because from our point of view, we saw many a faults in everyone else.

Now that I'm on top, I realised that it's much harder and I understand why it's so hard. Now, I actually thought that those whom I used to see eye to eye with would be there for me but I was mistaken. Right now, the ones who I was counting on are the one who seem to be letting me down repeatedly.

I never thought I would say this but I'm so fed up with them right now. We have a really young committee. Only 4 of us were actually part of the previous committee. So, it stands to reason that we would be the ones to help roll things along.

However, this isn't how it's going. I feel like I'm on my own. The rest of them, the young ones, they're ok. They don't know much and they need guidance but they are committed. The thing is, I cannot do this on my own. I need the help of the older ones but they've left me hanging.

Hmph..

Candied Hearts

So, I was thinking, maybe the reason I'm still single is because God doesn't think I'm ready yet. Maybe He feels I need a little more growing up to do. Maybe He thinks that I could do with a little more life experience before I get into a relationship. Therefore, I'm still single.

Now, I'm not blaming God for my non-existent love life. I'm just saying, that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason and maybe this is that reason. I'm not ready.

I've always thought that I'd be the one to, shall we say, submit, to the will of the world easily compared to any one else I know. I say this because beneath this strong, feministic (pretty sure that's not a word), idealistic, naive-ish (not a real word either) young lady that I am, there lies a sort of insurmountable amount of unclaimed love that even I am afraid of.

I just feel that I'm so full of passion and love, just waiting to be doled out. And I feel, and I think God knows, that if I happen to be in a relationship at this point in time, I might slip. Like, I might just be too much, you know. Do too much. Try too hard, too soon. I don't think I have enough self control yet to be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I might just give too much all at once.

So, for now, I remain alone. I don't know when I'd get a boyfriend or if I'd ever get one let alone be married, but I hope that I learn more self control and that I keep growing up. I've been getting better over these past few years and I feel like I've made real progress. I just hope that God will eventually find me mature enough to handle a relationship.

I really want this. I have so much love to give. So much, in fact, that I'm afraid that I might overwhelm my first boyfriend with it all and suffocate him to death with hugs and sickly sweet little candied hearts. So, for now, I remain here. Because I'm sure no one wants to die a painful death of suffocation by candied hearts.

Anyway, I hope I learn enough so that one day I'll be worthy of somebody's attention and that I'll know what it's like to love someone and be loved back.

I Hate Hamlet!

So, I went for a play last night with mum and Bengs. It was called I Hate Hamlet. Written by Paul Rudnick, directed by Nick Dorian and performed by the T4YP year 5 ensemble as well as some from the alumni.

First of, I gotta say that I really like the KLPAC compound. Just being in the vicinity makes me feel so artsy! :) There's this one building; it's 2 storey's high and both levels are full of arches. It's just incredible. The brickwork walls, the many arches, the grass and the fact that it's kind of in ruins; it's just beautiful!

Anyway, on to the play. I really enjoyed it! I mean, I really don't know much about theatre and performing live but I really enjoyed the show and that's all that matters. The actors were great. I laughed a lot and of course, the script was hilarious.

Nick Dorian, director, was also in it. He played John Barrymore (ghost). He was really good! I've always liked him so, this is a no brainer for me. Obviously, I think he's great. I also really liked the guy who played the lead, Nabil (character: Andrew). I saw him in Twelfth Night a couple of years ago. Back then, he kind of swallowed his words but now he's awesome! And he's got lovely hair! The girl who played the lead's girlfriend was great too. She was very cute. I liked her character very much, almost insane but adorably so.

The story was about a TV actor who was  selected to play Hamlet at the open air theatre in New York. He wasn't confident that he could be a great Hamlet. So then the ghost of John Barrymore appears and convinces him that he'll be ok.

They work on it and he performs. Andrew, as it turns out, was terrible. But there was 10 seconds of greatness and Andrew ends up hooked on theatre. All in all, I loved the jokes and sarcasm. The actors delivered well, in my inexpert opinion.

I love watching plays, so much more than movies. There's just something about watching live shows that is so beautiful. It's art being made right in front of you. Like watching Picasso paint, or Micheal Angelo sculpt. Being right there while art is being created and brought to life. There's nothing like it.

Anyway, I had fun. Of course, one of the highlights of the night for me was passing Nick Dorian when we exited the theatre. I passed right by him! He's pretty tall, or maybe I'm just short. Either way, I was so excited! :)

I mentioned that on twitter and he replied! It was a good end to the week:) He probably thinks I'm a mad fan girl and he wouldn't be far off (I'm not actually mad. I just seem like I am :P ) But anyway, I'm up for more plays, especially if Nick Dorian is in it:) I might say hi next time! :) (Most probably not, I'd be incoherent.... Hmmm..)

Solitary Confinement

So, being back home is great. It's really is. I have my own bed, I know where everything is. I can bake when I feel like it and I can do arts and crafts. The only problem is that I have no 'semangat' to do anything. I'm home alone and I do not like it.

I guess that was the best part about being in Perth. I wasn't alone at home. I didn't exactly do much with anyone but at least I was not alone. There were other people present so I wasn't exactly alone. And that was good.

But now, I'm just watching TV, being stuck in my own head with no drive to do anything. I don't even have my kindle. I left it at Perth. Not to worry, though, 'cause Aunty Lucy will brnring it back with her next month. However, I never expected to miss it this much. I guess  really was using it a lot more than I thought I was.

Anyway, I feel like doing so many thing (cooking, baking, sewing, art) but I'm resigned to sitting in front of the TV while blogging about my solitary lifestyle. Hmph.

In WA....

I'm back!

Perth was great!:) It was nice to see Uncle James again, even though I don't really remember him. They were simply amazing to me. Kept feeding me, took me places. I had a ball. It's winter now so obviously, I was pretty cold (and I hate being cold) but otherwise, it was an awesome visit. 


Somehow, the sky feels nearer. I know that's stupid but that's how it feels. The moon seems a lot closer and in turn, the sky seems nearer too. The stars are all different as well. I could see stars every night. Their house is in a suburban area so the was minimal light pollution which meant that the stars shone in all their glory.

I saw kangaroos and koalas, foxes and owls, wallabies and wombats and even a dancing parrot! I was followed around by lambs for a minute and had my blouse chewed on by a goat. I fed a donkey too! I could not believe how big it's mouth was! Incredible!

They also took me to a chocolate factory (and yes, I obviously bought some chocolates, duh). Right next to that was a vineyard and we tasted wine and cheese. Yum:) Of course, in the dead of winter, the vineyard was bare but the wine was pretty good. And the view was great too.

One thing I really liked was that there were wild rosemary bushes growing everywhere. And the lavenders were in full bloom too. All in all, Perth smelt great! Between herbs, flowers and barbecue, my nose was having a party.

I bought tons of stuff to. Mission accomplished! I found shoes my size, jeans that I like, great blouses, a set of Rummy-O, and even matte nail polish! I spent every penny I had and I regret nothing. Oh, I also bought kangaroo meat back for bro. We're going to cook it tomorrow.

I tasted all three things that were on my list; kangaroo, crocodile and baramundi. My favourite of the three is crocodile, hands down. It tastes a little bit like chicken and totally delicious. Kangaroo isn't too bad and baramundi is really just another fish to me.

Anyway, I had a fun time there. I did miss home very badly but at the same time, I wish I could've stayed longer. I'm glad to be back though. The comfort of my own home, my own bed, the PC all to myself:)

All that's left now is a month more of nothing and then begins my life in Uni. I'm stoked and very nervous about it. It's going to be the start of a new chapter and I cannot wait. I'm pretty sure I'll have a great time. No doubt about that.

As for now, I'm going to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and try own the new nail polish:)